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After Logan had walked out, Wendy hugged her knees and felt guilt overwhelm her. The look in his eyes when he’d finally dropped his guard had resonated with her deeply: that lonely sadness he usually kept hidden, the product of being surrounded by self-centred confident people that were like emotional vampires, sucking your soul out to feed their own self-esteem, leaving you emotionally hollow.
She felt like that all the time. And just like Logan she put up a strong front to cope with it. But she didn’t feel strong inside, she felt miserable and lost most of the time – always wondering if everyone else was faking too or if they were genuinely that happy and successful and fulfilled. Well, now she knew. Logan felt just as hollowed out as she did.
Wendy filled the void with her projects, with saving animals and trying to make the world a better place. Logan filled it with chasing girls and partying with his friends. A totally different approach, but inside they weren’t different at all.
His mother loved him, just like her father loved her, but both their parents were also selfish people.
In the end she and Logan just wanted the same thing, to be loved. To be with someone who gave without taking far more in return.
She had accused Logan of being fake, but actually she was worse; her own extreme defensiveness was much less honest than his approach of grinning and bearing it. They were both pretending they didn’t care, but at least he wasn’t pushing everyone away – he was way more open than she was.
Yes, he had been mean when she rejected him, but she got it now. She’d seen him do it at school and had assumed he was cold and petty, but now she understood that he wasn’t being nasty, he was just covering his hurt. His defence was to go on the attack.
And he hadn’t tried to win her with false promises, he just wanted life to be fun, not filled with self-analysis and depression. And, while she was always angrily punishing her father for not giving her a regular normal life, Logan wasn’t complaining at all, even though he clearly wanted no part of the fame and glamour either.
So, maybe she could learn a thing or two. Maybe she should be more like him instead of resenting him for not reacting like her...
Maybe they could be there for each other, just as friends.
Wait, was she seriously considering this? Being friends with Logan Moss? Letting him in and maybe giving back a little in return?
A smile crept over her face. It didn’t hurt that he was so delicious to look at, and to kiss too.
But she’d just pushed him away, again, and she had a feeling he’d be keeping his distance now. What could she do to bridge that gap?
––––––––
THE RIDE WAS WONDERFUL, and Wendy felt a freedom that was rare. Being out in the fresh air, cantering along the tracks, made her heart lighten. But Logan was being quiet. Too quiet. She wondered if she had genuinely hurt his feelings. He was polite to her, but kept all of his warmth only for his mother. He usually hid his feelings so well that Wendy couldn’t guess if he was really down or if he just didn’t like her at all. It took some of the pleasure out of the day. She actually wanted Logan to go back to being Logan. Amusing, sardonic playboy Logan.
When had she started to like that? It was annoying, but it was him.
Wendy tried hard to talk to him, but he wouldn’t engage with anything more than one-word answers. She didn’t have the confidence to try and master his style of banter; she could only do it by fighting with him, but right now he wasn’t fighting back. The cold front was much harder to handle, but when he fought with her he seemed so much more alive somehow. She felt more alive too. Who would have thought that it would be Logan Moss who made her feel that way?
She wanted it back. She still didn’t want to get involved, but she wanted their antagonistic relationship back. Maybe even a little bit of flirting. What was the real harm in that? She liked the way he eyed her up sometimes, especially when she was dressed differently from normal. Why had she been so dismissive of that? It was like she had been given a super-power and needed to don a disguise to get her powers. Yes, Logan’s attraction to her made her feel powerful. She wanted more flirting and more opportunity to feel that way.
Surely they could keep it as just friends? Friends with banter. That would be nice. But he was wary of her now. She’d kissed him twice, but also rejected him twice. Would he really give her the chance even just to be friends? Would he think she was going to turn around and reject him yet again?
Dinner that night was uncomfortable for Wendy. She didn’t know how Logan managed to act so cheerful when it was now clear to her that he was miserable inside. Or had she mistaken his look? Seen what she wanted to see? Maybe he truly didn’t care. No, she didn’t think that was it. But he was excellent at hiding it.
He laughed and chatted with her father and his mother, even charming Marco as he served the food. Logan’s warm smile encompassed everyone but her. He wasn’t rude, but he remained coolly distant.
She had no idea how to get closer to him again, and it wasn’t until they were in the car on their way back to school that she tried. She and Logan were sat in the back and he was ignoring her in favour of his phone. She hated that phone; he used it like a shield, burying himself in it whenever he didn’t want to talk.
But maybe she could use that?
“Logan?”
“Hmm?” He didn’t look up.
“I know that when we get back to school we aren’t really going to talk to each other again.”
“Right, business as usual,” he said, vaguely.
“But I would like to keep some communication going. Like, if you hear anything from the parents about wedding plans or baby stuff, could you let me know? I think you talk to your mum more than I do with my dad.”
“Sure, well, I’ll see you in the Common Room, and in class.”
“Or you could just text me.” She pointed to his phone.
He glanced up suspiciously. “I could, but you never gave me your number.”
She hid her triumph at getting the result she was after. “Then take it now.” She reeled off the digits while he tapped them in.
“Could you send me a message right now, so I have your number too, just in case?”
He gave her another side glance, then shrugged and sent the message. Wendy felt her phone buzz in her pocket, but didn’t take it out.
“Thanks,” she said, and left it at that.
She turned and stared out of the window, wondering how many days she should leave it before she used his number to start phase two.