My emotions are everywhere, overwhelmed from the way Hayden’s kissing me right now. The truth about Veronica shocked the shit out of me. In a blink, things went from horribly awful to freaking perfect. I shouldn’t have doubted him, but a part of me feels like it would’ve been karma for what I did to him. Self-sabotage is something I’ve been known to do, always having to fight for what I want but not feeling worthy of it. Having his mouth back on mine after all this time has me feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable, though I can’t say I mind. At least when it comes to him.
Hayden presses our lips together, and I easily melt into him, feeling like it did all those years ago. Except now he tastes like whiskey and smells like cologne. He’s all man, and I want to know what he’d taste like even lower. Years may have passed, but right now it feels like we’re back in high school, and everything is so right.
“I have a secret,” I whisper, needing to tell him the truth. I can’t hold this in anymore.
“I already know your secret, Sav.” He smiles against me then pulls back. Hayden studies my gaze and brushes a hand to my face before tucking a piece of loose hair behind my ear.
How could he possibly know? I know I’ve been drinking, but I’m pretty certain I heard him correctly.
“Is it that I’m not wearing any panties?” I offer with a cheeky smirk. “Because if that’s it, you’d be right.”
I swear I see him blush, but he plays it off and shakes his head at me with an amused grin. “No, but that’s really good to know.”
Chuckling, I take a sip of my wine and study him over the glass. “Okay, then what’s my secret?”
“You lied to me, Sav.”
Setting my drink down, I furrow my brows and gaze at him. When I don’t respond, he continues.
“When you broke up with me,” he clarifies. “You said it was over because you met someone new and that we would never work out being long distance. You told me it was over and to forget you ever existed—which, of course, is fucking impossible—but that’s the story you stood by.” His tone is steady and serious, and I’m scared to ask what else he knows.
Blinking, I swallow, then take a deep breath. I’ve imagined this very conversation so many times that I can’t believe it’s finally happening. A weight I’ve been holding on my shoulders for ten long years is slowly lifting, and I can only hope it doesn’t all come crashing down.
“But that was a lie, wasn’t it?” he asks, not taking his eyes off me.
I look down and nod. “It was.”
“Tell me, Sav.” He tilts my chin up so I’m forced to look at him. “I need you to say it.”
“I had to lie, Hayden,” I choke out. “I’m sorry. I know I hurt you. I was hurting too,” I admit. I remember those months after the breakup and how miserable I was. School kept me busy, but it didn’t dull the ache in my chest. I missed him, wanted to reach out to him so many times, but I knew I couldn’t. “I was trying to protect you.”
“Tell me,” he demands. “I want to hear you tell me.”
“Wait.” I pause. “How did you know? When did you know?” I ask, confused considering I never told anyone except… “Donny?”
He lowers his eyes a bit, which tells me everything I need to know. That little snitch.
“If you knew…why didn’t you reach out to me?” I hesitantly ask.
“I found out a few years after. I didn’t want to interrupt your life, knowing you were going to school and following your dreams. After that, I just lost the courage. Figured by then you’d moved on. I had even convinced myself you’d never come back.”
I swallow at his honesty. The hurt I caused is still evident in his voice, which kills me.
“I wanted to protect you,” I tell him earnestly. “It was the only way.”
“Protect me from what?” He only knows half the truth.
I tuck my lips into my mouth, scared to finally say the words aloud. Donny knew I lied about seeing another guy, but he didn’t know why I lied in the first place. It was painfully obvious I wasn’t interested in dating anyone, but I lied to keep Hayden from making a mistake I knew he’d regret later or worse, resent me for.
“Remember that first Thanksgiving our freshman year? I came home, and we were at your parents’ house for dinner.”
“Yes.”
“I overheard you talking to your dad and Hunter about transferring to New York so you could be closer to me. You said being long distance was getting too hard, and that you could play football at another university.” I remember it like it was yesterday, and it still stings as I remember it.
“My dad lost his shit,” he says.
“Yeah, he did.”
Hunter wasn’t happy about it either. He looked up to Hayden so much at that age. Still does, I’m sure.
“But who the fuck cares? My dad always lost his shit over anything that wasn’t a part of his plan. I was barely speaking to him at that time anyway, but I knew I had to tell him I wanted to transfer.”
“I couldn’t let you do that.”
“So that’s why you lied about seeing someone else? So I wouldn’t follow you to New York?” He winces as if I’d just slapped him, and I feel impossibly worse.
“No, Hayden. Well, yes. I wanted to protect you from making a mistake you’d later regret because I knew football was your life. I knew you got a huge scholarship for playing at CSU, and I didn’t want to be the reason you uprooted and changed your life.” I knew there was no guarantee he’d even get into another school near me, never mind get on the football team. It was the middle of our first year. Too much was at stake.
“You were my life, Savannah. I wanted to move to New York. I hated being away from you, and I thought you felt the same until—”
“Of course I did! I missed you every single day. But knowing that you were going to give it all up for me? I couldn’t let you do that. School and practice made me so busy, I barely had time for me. How could I give us time on top of that? It was too much pressure.”
“So you’d rather make me believe the love of my life was cheating or fell out of love with me instead?”
I shrug, hating this so damn much. “It had to be something big enough for you to let me go. You would’ve tried to convince me otherwise, and I didn’t know if I’d be strong enough to say no then.” I blink away the tears threatening to spill. The guilt weighs so heavy on my chest. “I didn’t know what else to do, Hayden. I was eighteen. I thought I was protecting you by keeping you from leaving a college career I knew you wanted.”
His gaze is hard and unwavering. “I wanted you more.”
“I’m sorry,” is all I can muster. “I really am.”
Hayden clenches his jaw, and I know he’s pissed. I can’t blame him, of course. I hurt him so badly, that much is evident.
“I had always hoped you moved on and found someone amazing. I never knew, though, because I couldn’t bear the possibility of seeing you smiling with another woman. Though I would’ve deserved that pain.” I knew that. It’s why I didn’t like being on social media. Ignorance was bliss when it came to him.
I cover his hand with mine, and he jerks away as if my touch burns. A tear escapes and slides down my cheek. I royally fucked up. It’s why I never had the courage to tell him sooner or to clear the air. No amount of time can heal this kind of betrayal. I was his life, and he was mine.
After long moments of silent, our conversation is done. He’s done.
I slide off the barstool and walk away. Glancing over my shoulder one last time, he doesn’t move. Nothing I say can fix this or take back what I did to him. I don’t know how those days after the breakup were for him, but I knew he was hurt. I was hurting too.
I leave the bar and head to the elevator. There’s nothing more to say.
Once I’m inside my room, I slip off my shoes and try to keep more tears from falling. Hayden Manning was my first love, my first everything, and I broke him.
Just when I’m about to undress and get into the shower, a knock sounds on my door. First, I’m confused, worried it’ll be Veronica again or something, but when I look in the peephole and find Hayden standing there with his hands on either side of the door and his head bowed, I’m stunned. My body shivers as soon as he lifts his head, and I see the look in his eyes.
Pain. Lust. Anger.
All of the above.
Slowly, I open the door and wait with my heart in my throat for him to speak.
Hayden pushes off the doorframe and lunges for me. Cupping my face, he crashes his mouth to mine, pushing into me. I walk backward until we’re all the way in the room, and the door shuts with a loud slam. We move together until the back of my knees hit the bed.
Sliding his tongue between my lips, he captures the moan that releases from my throat. Hayden’s kisses are desperate pleas not to let him go. He devours me, animalistic grunts vibrating against my mouth. The hunger, eagerness, desire—I feel it all.
“Hayden,” I whisper as he kisses my jaw and licks up to my ear. “Don’t stop.”
“Fuck no,” he growls. “Not this time. Not ever.”
He strips me out of my clothes, and I do the same to him. Our movements aren’t calculated, but clumsy and hurried. Hayden lifts me, and I curl my legs around his waist as we fall to the bed. His cock is hard as steel between us, and I don’t want to wait another second to feel him inside me.
Hayden lifts up slightly, my legs widening for him as he licks a finger before rubbing it along my wet slit. The pressure alone has my back leaping off the bed, my hips arching for more. The pad of his thumb circles my clit, the heels of my feet digging into his back.
“I can’t wait anymore, Sav. I want to kiss every inch of you.” His voice rough and gravelly. Deep brown eyes pierce mine as he silently asks for permission.
“I want you, Hayden,” I tell him confidently. “Please.”
With our bodies aligned, the tip of his cock rubs my slick pussy before he slides into me.
“Christ, Sav,” he mutters, and my eyes roll to the back of my head.
“Hayden…” My voice is nothing more than a whisper escaping from my mouth. He feels so much bigger. He’s not the boy I remember. He’s all man. “God, yes.”
He towers over me, wrapping a hand around my neck and pulling me up to meet his lips.
“Fuck. You have any idea how much you ruined me?” He pulls back slightly, then thrusts hard back inside me. My eyes widen in shock at his angry motions. “Wanna know how long it took for me to be inside another woman after you destroyed me? How long it was before I slept with someone else?”
I swallow, my chest rising and falling rapidly. “No,” I beg. I didn’t wanna hear it. I couldn’t bear to even think about him with another woman.
He adds pressure around my neck, his thumb under my chin to keep our gazes locked.
“Three fucking years, Savannah. That’s how long. Three long years, and I was still hung up on you. Only God knows why because I hated you as much as I loved you.” His words come out cruel and harsh, and I wish he’d stop. He’s angry, so angry.
“Please, Hayden,” I cry because I caused him so much fucking grief.
He softens his hold just enough so I can take a deep breath. Grabbing my thigh, he bends my leg so my ankle rests over his shoulder, making him go impossibly deeper. I release a loud moan, unable to control myself as he pounds harder into me, showing me exactly how hurt he is, and I want it, all of it.
“And when that relationship inevitably burned to the ground, I never wanted anything serious again. It wasn’t even her that was the issue. I was still in love with someone who couldn’t love me back.”
“Hayden, this isn’t fair,” I plead. His words hurt, and I know he wants them too, but I already hate myself for what I did to him.
“You’ve got that fucking right, Sav. It’s been ten years. But I haven’t stopped loving you for one second. No matter what I do, who I dated, what I tried telling myself—it all brought me back to you.”
Tears prick my eyes, the mixed sensation of arousal and guilt eats at me. Hayden looks at me as if he wants to hurt me as much as I hurt him, and I want him to do just that. I deserve it.
“I’m so sorry, Hayden. I hope you know how sorry I am.”
“Doesn’t matter, Sav…” He takes my other leg and places it over his other shoulder so I’m nearly bent in half, willingly at his mercy. I fist the sheets, trying to hold on as he pushes us up higher on the bed. The thickness of his cock has my entire body buzzing.
“It does matter,” I manage to say. “There wasn’t a time in my life I didn’t think about you as much as I didn’t want to think about you.”
“You left…” he reminds me. “You didn’t give me the chance to even fight for us. I would’ve fought, Savannah. So fucking hard.”
The tears come thicker now, heavy as they blur my vision. “I left for you, Hayden. I couldn’t let you change your life plans for me.” I want him to understand, to realize it wasn’t an easy decision. There was no closure for me, which hurt the most.
“Why the fuck not?” He leans back on his knees, keeping my legs up in the air. My back arches, feeling him so damn deep, I nearly lose myself right then. Suddenly, he drops my legs and they land with a smack. Hayden leans over me, his mouth inches from mine. “You were my goddamn life. Didn’t you know that?”
“Yes!” I nearly scream in his face, his thrusts never wavering, still rough and deep and unforgiving. “That’s why I couldn’t let you give up your future for me. I knew you would, and I couldn’t live with that. You deserved to do what you loved just as much as I did.”
“So lying was your answer? Making me believe my girl had left me for someone else? Making me think I was nothing to you after all our history together? That’s what you thought was right?” His words are firm, his jaw tense, and eyes dark. I want to reach up and kiss him, to show him how sorry I am. Prove to him I never wanted to hurt him.
“I was a kid, Hayden,” I tell him. “I did what I thought was right at the time. We had two different paths ahead of us. No matter what, one of us was gonna have to sacrifice for the other if we wanted to stay together. I couldn’t allow either of us to do that and risk resentment. I was torn. Can you try to understand that I did what I felt was right at the time?”
I feel the buildup coming, my body so close to release. He looks at me with so much heat, the anger in his eyes fades slowly. I want to make love to him over and over again, prove how much I loved him—still love him.
“And what about now, Savannah?” he asks gruffly. “What do you feel now?”
I bite my lower lip, then release it, keeping our gazes locked. My body tightens, pussy clenching, ready to fall deeper into the abyss with him.
“I feel you. All of you.”