I stepped forward to the register. “I’ll have a half-caff, triple, venti, soy, no foam latte.”
The woman behind me snorted and mumbled, “At that point, why even bother?”
I turned to her. “Ordering coffee is the only point in the day when I feel completely in control of my own life. Sad but true.”
“Joanna, you don’t need to explain yourself to me, or to anybody else, for that matter. And that is sad.”
I studied her face and came up empty. “I’m sorry, do I know—”
She jutted out her hand. “Shelly.”
I chewed my bottom lip. “Shelly?”
She leaned in closer to me. “Shelly Rivers, aka Mistress Monica.”
Mistress Monica looked completely different without her makeup, wig, and latex jumpsuit. Fresh-faced, dressed head to toe in workout gear, her auburn hair slicked back into a ponytail tucked under a Retreat House baseball cap, she resembled all the other middle-aged moms milling around the resort.
I pushed my sunglasses up on my head. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”
“Honey, this is my day look. You know,” she said, taking a swig of her coffee, “I’ve been thinking about you since my workshop, and wondering how you’ve been getting on here?”
I pointed to the beach. “With views like that, who could complain?”
“You’d be surprised. Do you have anywhere to be? Wanna grab a table and finish our coffees?”
“Sounds great. I have a couple of hours free.”
We found a small table under the patio awning and settled into two large club chairs. “I didn’t realize you stayed through the whole Boot Camp session,” I said, settling down into one of the chairs.
“I’m here most of the summer for one-on-one dominatrix training, as well as the group sessions. My husband and I just love Topsail Island, it’s our own undiscovered paradise. We’re just happy to be out of LA for a couple of months. Plus, our kids are at a sleepaway camp in the Poconos all summer anyway, so why not, right?”
I don’t know what was more surprising, that Mistress Monica had children, or that she had a husband.
“I see that look in your eyes. I’m not someone you’d expect to have a family,” she said.
“If I’m being totally honest, no, I guess you’re not.”
“Yeah, I get that a lot.”
“And he, your husband, he doesn’t mind what you do for a living?”
“Mind? God, no. How do you think we met? Besides, I told you, being a dominatrix isn’t about sex, at least, not for me. For me, it’s about having power and control, not over another person, but over myself. So, tell me, have you heard from that guy that cheated on you since you’ve been here?”
I set my coffee down. “He sent me a text.”
She shook her head incredulously. “And let me guess, it was something pithy and vague, leaving you with a million more questions than answers.”
I held up three fingers. “Three big little words, ‘I miss you.’”
She leaned back in her chair, tapping her long red fingernails against the coffee mug. “I’m sure he does. The more important question, though, is, do you miss him?”
“Is it weak of me if I say I still do?”
“Honey, there are weak loves, but there’s absolutely no weakness in loving someone, even someone who ultimately hurt you. But at the end of the day, what you want is a man that messes up your lipstick, not your mascara. Trust me on that one.”
I relaxed into the chair and let her words sink in.
She set down her drink mug. “I know, I know, wise words coming from a porn star, who woulda thunk it,” she said with a wink.
I smiled. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.”
“How well do you know Louisa Brier? The other day at the seminar, she introduced you as her good friend.”
“We met a couple of years ago. She was coming off a pretty rough breakup and came to a few of my LA workshops. After that, she started sending other friends my way, women trying to get over a heartbreak, who needed a different kind of outlet.”
“And this was after her breakup with Todd Aldrich?”
She nodded. “They’ve come a long way since then. In some ways, Todd’s become the unofficial mascot of this place. Proof you can coexist with your ex.”
“And in all this time…”
“Have they rekindled the flame? I don’t think so. Todd mostly keeps to the kitchen. He works for the hotel, not the Boot Camp. Like I said, according to Louisa, they mostly coexist, nothing more.”
I thought back to what I had seen the night before. They didn’t look like they were coexisting, what they looked, was…cozy.
Mistress Monica swallowed down the last of her coffee and checked her watch. “I should get going. I’m meeting up with a client soon. If you’re free this afternoon, you should come to my workshop, How to Whip Your Life and Man into Shape. Pun fully intended.”
After coffee, I broke the “unplugged” rule and took my phone down to the beach so I could call Merritt for her birthday. I laid my beach towel over a small dune and settled into the sand. Zosia and Emmy were out on the ocean, taking a surfing lesson with Austin. I stood up and waved to them just as the class was paddling out to the break. They each gave me a small wave back, and I turned away to dial my sister’s number. Merritt picked up before the first ring.
“What’s wrong?” she panted.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m calling to wish my big sister a happy birthday, that’s all.”
“You practically just gave me a heart attack. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you ’til sometime next week.”
“I couldn’t let your birthday go by without at least a call.”
The edge in her voice relaxed. “Well, I’m glad you broke the rules. You’ve been on my mind all week, especially after I saw the tabloid photos of Emmy J surfing on Topsail Beach. How are you? Hopefully you took my advice and have been stepping outside of your comfort zone too?”
“Well, let’s see, in the last few days I’ve been oyster harvesting and had a V-Steam, so I’d say so.”
“What’s a V-Steam?”
“Are you telling me that you, a card-carrying lesbian, doesn’t know what a V-Steam is?”
“No, but now I want to. Enlighten me, please.”
“I’ll send you the link from Goop, and Gwyneth Paltrow can tell you everything you need to know about the V-Steam.”
“Looking forward to it. So, how are you, Jo? Really?”
“I’m starting to come out of the fog, but my therapist seems to think I can’t fully address my breakup with Sam until I open up about Mom.”
The phone went silent for a moment before she said, “I think he’s right. God knows I’m not saying what Sam did was okay, but you’ve got to figure out you before you can even begin to understand the motives of somebody else.”
My throat squeezed with the familiar tightening that happened anytime the subject of my mother came up.
Merritt sighed heavily into the phone and continued, “I’ve tried to tread carefully, to not overstep my role, and let you figure out your own way, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ve been really worried about you, especially these last few years. Sam and I used to talk about it a lot.”
“You and Sam talked about me?”
The revelation hit me like a rogue wave. I had no idea she and Sam ever spoke, let alone about me.
Merritt’s voice softened. “When mom died, it was like the light inside of you went off, but you’ve got to stop punishing yourself. It’s time.”
“You don’t understand. You didn’t treat her the way I did.”
“Jo, you were six when she got sick, a baby. I was thirteen. How could you have possibly understood what it meant to be on chemo and everything that followed? It’s not like it is today, the advice back then was to shield you from as much of what was going on as possible.” Her voice softened. “You were a little girl who wanted her mom to come to your tap recitals and field trips, just like all the other moms. Nobody did a very good job of telling you why she couldn’t be there.”
“But I punished her. She was fighting for her life, and I punished her for it. I treated her cancer like something she was choosing over me. I wasted so much time being angry at her that I—” My words caught in my throat, and I knew if I kept talking, they’d spill over into tears. “I should go,” I said, struggling to get the words out. “We really aren’t supposed to be on the phone.”
“Jo, come on.”
“I’ll give you a call again next week, when I get home.”
“I thought you were coming out to California after the Boot Camp? Please tell me you are? I think it’d do you some good.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to take off any more time. I’ll give you a call when I get sprung out of here next week. Happy birthday, Mer. I love you.”
The phone went silent for a few seconds before she said, “Love you too.”