“Joanna, what are you doing here? And when did you get a dog?” He glanced down at the ground again. “Two dogs?”
“They’re not mine. They belong to the person I’m subletting my apartment from.”
There was no denying he looked good in his causal weekend wear, an unbuttoned white polo shirt with a popped collar, khaki shorts, and boat shoes. His hair was a bit more unkempt than usual, and his eyes were hidden behind trendy Tom Ford sunglasses.
He pushed the glasses to the top of his head. “You know, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for weeks. Nobody would tell me where you were. Not Grace. Not Merritt. Not even Stephen.”
“You reached out to Stephen looking for me?”
“You didn’t give me much of a choice. I thought maybe you went on our honeymoon trip, until I realized I still have your passport in our safe.”
“I was in Topsail Island off the coast of North Carolina.”
“I’ve never even heard of Topsail Island. What’s there?”
“A Boot Camp.”
“A Boot Camp? Like a Benji’s Bridal Boot Camp type of a thing?”
Just as I was about to answer, a large Doberman shoved into my side, practically tossing me into Sam’s arms.
“Jesus, man, watch your dog!” Sam snapped at the Doberman’s owner.
“It’s really crowded, do you want to go find a quieter spot we can talk?” I asked.
“I’d love that. Let me just grab two bags of the pup-corn. Make that three,” he said, taking the bag out of my hand to pay for it. He reached into his pocket for his wallet, switching the leash he was holding from his right hand into his left. I followed the chain with my eyes, down to a small brown Dachshund cowering under his feet. Funny, last time I checked, Sam didn’t own a dog either.
“Here you go,” he said, handing me the bag. “Be careful, that pup-corn’s like crack for dogs. I’m at the market at least once a week picking some up.”
“For your dog?”
“It was a bit of an impulse decision. We’re still getting used to each other.”
Sam picked the Dachshund up off the ground. “Joanna, meet Waldo, Waldo meet Joanna.”
I laughed. “Waldo?”
“He’s a rescue and little skittish around people. He likes to hide in very strange places. The laundry basket. Behind window curtains.”
“Oh, I get it. Where’s Waldo.”
“Exactly.” Sam glanced around the square. “Where can we go sit with these three that’s out of the way?”
I pointed to a café off the corner of 17th street that had outdoor seating. “How about over there? It looks like there are a few dogs hanging outside with their owners.”
He nodded, and we crossed the street to the café. Once there, we asked the hostess for one of the sidewalk tables. She picked up two menus and led us to a high top next to the railing. It was a beautiful afternoon for early August in New York City, with low humidity and clear skies. People flooded the streets walking their dogs, window shopping, strolling to the farmers market, and taking in the sights of the city.
“Your waitress will be right with you,” the hostess said, dropping the menus onto the table. Sam pulled his sunglasses off his head and placed them down beside his water glass. He hopped down from his seat and tied Waldo’s leash to the railing. He reached out his hand, and I passed him Chaka and Khan’s.
“They’re not going anywhere,” he said, securing the dogs with a double knot. He climbed back into his chair as the waitress came over to our table to take our order. Sam motioned for me to go first.
“I’ll take an iced coffee, please.”
Sam turned to me. “You sure you don’t want anything to eat?”
I held up my bag from the Greenmarket. “I picked up a few things to make at home.”
His eyes widened. “You? Cooking? What kind of Boot Camp was this?”
“Very funny.”
“I’ll take an iced coffee too, with an extra espresso shot,” he said to the waitress, who jotted down both our orders.
“You look good, kid,” he said, once she was out of earshot. “I texted you a couple of times over these last two weeks, but you went radio silent on me.”
“I was too busy surfing, meditating, and talking to shrinks about our breakup to respond.”
“You went to a relationship Boot Camp?”
“The Retreat House Breakup Boot Camp, where their program fostering development, empathy, and self-love will help you discover your personal power and bring you the relationship you deserve,” I said, reciting their mantra like a commercial announcer.
“When we were together, I had a hard time even convincing you to go to the chiropractor.”
“I was in a pretty dark place after canceling the wedding, and I needed a break from everyone and everything. I did think about taking our honeymoon alone, but then someone told me about the Boot Camp. Merritt was the one who finally convinced me to go. The resort was device free, so I had lots of time to think about us and what I’d say to you the next time we were face-to-face.”
“And what’d you come up with?”
“So many things. So many things that always boiled down to just two words—I’m sorry.”
The waitress came by with our coffees and set them down on the high top. “Can I get you both anything else?” she asked.
I shook my head.
“No, I think we’re all set,” Sam added.
“I’ll grab a water bowl for the dogs,” she said, picking up the menus off the table.
Sam scratched the back of his neck and sat back, stunned by my admission. “You’re sorry?”
“Yes, I am. I’m very sorry. I’m not saying I forgive you for the affair, but I understand now how we got to that place.”
Sam’s chin vibrated as his eyes welled with tears. “God, Jo, I never expected—”
I continued, “I grew up feeling so alone, and then Samuel Calver, the most popular and interesting boy at Oakridge Prep, singled me out of the crowd and made me feel special and acknowledged for the first time in my life. You became my everything, Sam, and nobody should be somebody’s everything.”
He leaned in closer to the table. “I wanted to be your everything Jo, God knows I tried to be. But there were times it felt like no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough, or maybe I wasn’t enough. At some point, I got tired of feeling like a failure.”
“I know. I looked to you to fill a void in my life nobody could’ve filled, and then got angry with you when you fell short. I put you in a no-win situation. When I think back to all the fights I picked and buttons I pushed, I’m ashamed.”
Sam put his hands over my own. “You were in pain.”
I nodded. “Much more than I even realized.”
“So, this Boot Camp, it helped you, then?”
“It did. I still have work to do on myself, but I finally took those much-needed first steps toward facing all those demons that have haunted me for …I don’t know, for maybe as long as I’ve known you.”
“You know, I can see it in your eyes—you seem lighter, freer, more joyful.”
I studied his face. “You do too.”
“Nah, I’m the same old prig,” he said with a grin. “I want you to know, after that night at the restaurant with Grace, I told Lena everything.”
“And she didn’t kick you to the curb?” I joked.
“Oh no, she did. She kicked me hard.”
“Good for her.”
“Jo, believe when I say Lena didn’t know a thing about you, I swear to god. That’s not who she is. She never would’ve been on board for that. I was just as dishonest with her as with you.”
“I'm not sure that makes me feel better exactly but I appreciate you saying it.”
“I ruined us. I ruined our happy ending.”
“What they tell us in fairy tales, it’s all one big lie you know.”
He narrowed his eyes and his chin came up a little. “What do you mean?”
“True love doesn’t have a happy ending. If you really think about it, true love doesn’t have any ending at all. It keeps on going because both people want it to keep going and are willing to keep working at it.” I pulled my hands from beneath his and set them down on my lap. “I loved you Sam. I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life maybe more than I’ll ever love anyone again, but we both know we stopped working on us, a long time ago. Long before Lena Moore came into your life.”
Tears spilled over the sides of Sam’s eyes. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for all the times I lied to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be honest with you or with myself about how I was feeling, and I’m sorry I wasn’t man enough to face what was happening with us and confront it head on. Mostly I’m sorry I didn’t demand we try harder and do better, we may have even ended up in a different place than the one we’re in now.”
Sam was a straight shooter, he’d always been that way. It was part of the reason people always liked and respected him, and it was also why, deep down, I knew the affair wasn’t indicative of his character, but rather, a symptom of our relationship’s ultimate demise. I searched his pensive face and could tell he meant every word of his declaration.
I dabbed my eyes with the napkin and looked down. Large streaks of black mascara marked the white linen napkin. I held it up to show him. “Mistress Monica told me I need to find a man that messes up my lipstick, not my mascara.”
Sam’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head. “Mistress Monica? The porn star?”
“It’s a long story, involving me and a dominatrix lesson.”
He tilted his head to the side, grinning. “Sounds like an activity from one of our yes dates. You and I had some pretty great adventures together, didn’t we?”
“We sure did. You know, for a long time now, I thought saying goodbye to you would be saying goodbye to my entire life. You’ve been my one constant, Sam. But I know now I can’t walk away and hold on at the same time. My mind’s been at war with my heart long enough, and I’m calling for a cease fire here.”
He held his hands up. “I surrender Joanna. I don’t want to battle anymore either.”
“So, let’s agree to put down our weapons and walk away before anyone else gets hurt knowing what we had was real, wonderful and maybe even once in a lifetime, but over now.”
He wiped his eyes. stood up and untied the dogs from the railing. He handed me Chaka and Kahn’s two leashes.
“Can me and Waldo walk you guys home?” he asked.
“Maybe some other time. I think tonight I’ll be okay on my own.”
He shook his head “Friends kid?”
“Always Sam.”