7

Rachel tried to concentrate on the litany responses, on the simple, lovely music. On Carol Aubrey’s sons performing their tasks like pros at the altar. Their mom was the talented organist at Mountainview Church in town. Oh, she’d known Carol her whole life, remembered her friend’s struggles to raise fatherless kids after Hank had been killed in a hunting accident.

Fatherless. Her heart churned. It had been a big—make that huge—mistake to come to the chapel. What had she been thinking? To come here with Brayton who inspired way too much warmth, maybe even hope. To come to this sanctuary where Scott and Mary Grace had wed not twenty-four hours before Nick died.

They’d stayed to help comfort her, had cancelled their honeymoon. Sometimes anger still flickered. Nick hadn’t changed only Rachel’s plans. Against the pew, her back stiffened. She didn’t dare catch bride-to-be Charlene’s eye, so happy and hopeful. If she did, she’d lose it big time, the only suitable place of refuge being Brayton’s arms. She forced her mind to the moment at hand.

“…and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Vicar Wegner was saying. “Today’s text comes from Esther chapter four, verse fourteen.”

Rachel’s interest spiked. She’d always loved the Old Testament account of beauteous Esther, the Jewish woman who married the King of Persia and used her position to save her people from the king’s evil officer, Haman.

“Esther shows us, friends, why we can and must trust God. And how to go about it through prayer. Esther was selected to wed a man not of her faith, a man who did not know of her heritage. A powerful ruler whose henchmen sought to exterminate her people, the Jews. An ancient Holocaust, you might say. Doubtless Esther was confused, frightened at the direction God ordained for her life. But He knew best, as He always does despite our feeble human minds that think we know it all. Very feeble human minds. ”

The congregation chuckled.

“In order to plead for her people, Esther fasted and prayed for three days then did the unthinkable: she boldly approached her royal husband in his throne room. Uninvited. This action risked not just his displeasure, but also her death due to her impertinence. But she had no doubt God was walking next to her, holding her up to do the right thing. That He’d placed her here at just this time to get good things done.”

Next to Rachel, Brayton rested his chin in his hands, elbows firm on his knees. Maybe he’d never heard the story of Esther before.

“My friends,” the vicar continued, “Esther’s story shows us why we can and must trust our Almighty God. Our Father and our Friend. Even if we have doubts and confusion, He is there. When we put our hands in His hand, His power holds us firm. He knows what is going to happen tomorrow, next week. Next month, next year. And no matter the outcome, He will care for us, rejoice with us in good times and hold us close to His eternal heart in the tough ones. He will care for us no matter what. All we have to do is trust Him.”

All we have to do…Rachel grumbled as the collection plate passed her, and she tossed in a twenty. Trust Him? Been there. Done that. She’d done it her whole life, through thick and thin. Through the miscarriages and difficult pregnancy, she’d trusted God to give her and Nick a child. She recalled Nick’s glowing face when the at-home test had been positive. When the ultrasound had showed him their son. She’d trusted God to bring Nick safely home from his deployment. And He’d done so.

And up to that moment of Nick with his Silver Star, returning a hero on a tarmac full of waving flags, she’d trusted Him to give her husband and her a normal life in His name.

But instead, He’d bequeathed them months of misery. Stress. Isolation. Through Pastor Hale’s counsel, she’d believed they’d start to make it. She was sure Nick would one day be hers again, that Matty would have his daddy intact.

Until that stupid, fateful day. Oh, yeah. It was an accident. But didn’t somebody important say there are no accidents?

She choked back sobs as the little congregation sang the closing hymn. “Excuse me,” she said to Brayton, and leaving his side, she stumbled from the chapel and back to the van.

As she clung to the vehicle, holding off a wracking sob, something touched her cheek. Something warm, not the chill fall breeze. Not Brayton, either. She could hear his footsteps coming up behind her. She swiped her glove across her face. Ma would have claimed it was an angel’s touch, or better, the Lord reaching down from heaven to reinforce the connection the vicar had just preached about.

Not Rachel. It was the memory of Nick’s hand from a better time, and she smacked it away, too.

“You OK, Rachel?” Brayton had caught up. His voice turned her bones to water.

“Yeah.” Trembling, she leaned against the van, watching the shadows of the fir trees waltzing with each other across the gravel. “It’s just hard sometimes. Scott and Mary Grace got married here, in this chapel. Nick died the next day. It…all came flooding back. Seems I can’t escape no matter where I go.”

For a long while, Brayton kept silent, although his strong warm hand moved to knead the back of her knotted neck.

“I think I know what you mean. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Idaho for quite a while after…Marianne died.”

“So different for me. I could never leave here. But I need to move on. Move out of my mother’s house.” She’d sold the townhouse in Mountain Cove right after Nick died. “Maybe get a place here in Woodside Meadows. I’d be on my own but not as far as town. But…”

Brayton’s fingers slowed, firmness increasing, and his breath seemed to come faster.

“Then maybe the time is right for you,” he said. “And the place. I think it took longer for me, but the time did come when I could face it.” The pressure of his warm hand gentled, and his scent of soap and spice scattered in the wind like pine needles. “You know how the vicar said Esther prayed and fasted for three days before facing Xerxes? She knew it was dangerous, that things would be difficult, but she still faced the unthinkable. She knew it was time. And everything worked out.”

Rachel nodded, but laid her hand over his so he couldn’t move it. “I can understand that. She was trying to save her people. I’d do anything for my family. I just…” She hesitated as she swallowed the pain one more time. “I just can’t rid myself of the notion that I wasn’t Nick’s family any more. I mean, like it was before. I know he loved me, loved Matty, But he also loved his deployment. He just couldn’t seem to let it go. Like he’d left something unfinished in the Middle East.” Her eyelids lowered, her throat thickened. “I didn’t know for a long time that three of his buddies died because he couldn’t reach them.”

“Rachel, survivor’s guilt is a powerful thing.” Brayton’s tone was kind. “I lived it. I live it still.”

“I know that. At least I tried to understand. Sometimes I just wanted everything like it was before. Then I think of all the things I could have said. Could have done. And didn’t. You know?”

“Yes, I do know. I truly do know.” Brayton held out his arms, and Rachel felt no qualms, no guilt about finding herself tight in his embrace. Leaning hard against him, she swallowed tears as she listened to the thrum of his heart. Then she gathered the strength to raise her head from the folds of his jacket and eye him straight on. She loved the feeling of safety and comfort, but her spine skittered with a sense of danger, too. This wasn’t the right time. Her heart was better left guarded.

“But I wonder…” She pulled away a bit and took a deep breath. For a long moment she fought to find the strength to mouth the words that had so often tormented her.

“Wonder what?” Brayton’s arms tightened.

“That maybe he wanted to die.” She spoke almost with no sound.

Brayton’s breathing warmed the top of her head. “No, Rachel. It was an accident. That’s all.”

“He was careless. I can’t get it out of my head sometimes. I just feel so lost.” Grief mixed with anger surged again through her veins, and now tied her words.

“Hey.” Brayton let his lips linger in her hair. “I know how it is to be lost.”

The bridal party came to the van, laughing and prattling.

“Sometimes you find yourself not thinking straight. We’ll talk more back at the ranch,” he whispered in her ear and wiped a tear from her cheek.