I dream I am in Mac’s arms. That it has all been a mistake. That he didn’t really die. We are on a beach somewhere. Hawaii, maybe. And he is kissing me. The warmth of the afternoon sun caresses my shoulders. I feel as though I have died and gone to heaven. Wherever I am, whatever the circumstances, I want this moment to last forever.
The sun shifts and blinds me. It is bright and unwelcoming. I cast my hand up to cover my eyes. When I can see again, Mac stands before me.
I close my eyes to make sure he is not a mirage. When I open them, he still stands in front of me. Aiming my gaze at him, I try to focus, but I cannot comprehend how or in what universe it is possible that he is actually there. “Mac,” I whisper, “is it really you?”
“Yes, it’s me, Virginia,” he says softly.
Confusion swirls around me. I have a hard time putting my thoughts together. I know that Mac is not supposed to be here, but I can’t remember why.
I try to speak, try to tell him that I love him, but the words clog in my throat. I reach for him. He comes to me, takes my hand in his. I close my eyes, savor his touch, and only when I open them again do I notice my surroundings.
I am in the hospital.
I squeeze my eyes shut, try to make sense out of what is happening. And then I remember.
The church. The pain. The baby.
Instinctively, I reach for my belly. A rush of panic slams through me. “My baby. Where’s my baby?” I try to sit up but a jolt of pain lays me flat.
“Ginny, I’m so sorry—”
“No!” I sit up despite the pain. “Oh God, Mac, please tell me my baby’s okay.”
The pain in his eyes tells me my baby is gone. Tears sting my eyes and anger pierces my heart. “No. This can’t be happening,” I say, more to myself than anyone else. “It has to be wrong.” I focus my gaze once more on the man I’ve loved since the first moment I met him and I plead. “Mac, you have to be wrong. Go get my doctor right now.” I jab a finger at the door.
“I’m sorry, Virginia, there’s no mistake. I heard the doctor—”
“No!” I cover my ears. “No, no, no!”
Mac takes a step toward me. I put up my hand to stop him. “This is your fault! Just where in the hell have you been for the past two years? Do you know what I went through when I lost you?” Without waiting for an answer, I go on. “I wanted to die when they told me you were gone. But I didn’t. I went on with my life. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I did it. I was finally happy. Then you show up out of nowhere and now my baby is gone! First you took my faith and then my baby!”
Tears pool in Mac’s eyes but he says nothing. Instead, he cradles me in his arms, holds me as hot tears course down my cheeks and my body shakes with grief. I have no idea what happened to Mac, or why he’s stayed away so long, but I am not angry with him. I am angry at God. For making me believe Mac was dead. For letting me be happy again anyway. For taking my baby. And my father.
And I wonder: is all of this punishment for leaving the church?
The door to the room swings open. Ken rushes in and stops cold when he sees Mac. The two men face each other. Neither one speaks. Finally, Ken steps forward and extends his hand.
“Ken Warner,” my husband says. “Thank you for your help getting my wife here safely.”
“Roger MacKenzie,” Mac says.
Ken studies Mac as though he is sizing up his competition. “Francis told me who you are.” Anger edges into my husband’s voice. “The question is, what the hell are you doing here, comforting my wife? I don’t know where you’ve been, and I’m sorry for whatever happened to you, but you should’ve stayed away. Virginia is happy. We’re happy. You have no place in our lives. Now please leave.” Ken points toward the door.
Mac turns toward me. His gaze skewers me. Whatever happened, whatever has kept him from me, has caused him untold suffering. Even more than my own. I want to reach for him, to hold him again, to make it all better, but I don’t. I will never again be able to make it better for Mac. I love him—God help me, I still love him—but I belong to someone else now. And I love Ken, too.
I turn my back to both men and curl tightly into myself. Nothing will ever be the same after today, for so many reasons. This day has changed me, broken me into a million tiny pieces. And I am not sure I will ever recover.