Reflect, Renew, Rebuild The Joy of Confident Living
When confronted with a Goliath-sized dilemma, how do you respond: “He’s too big to hit,” or, like David, “He’s too big to miss”?
We dare not wait for great strength before setting out to do our work, for to delay will weaken us further. Neither should we strain to see the end of the road before embarking on our journey, for every moment’s hesitation eats at our confidence and erodes our courage. However, when we take our first tentative steps toward a worthy goal, rather than depleting our strength, we discover our power has increased manyfold and we see more clearly what our next task must be. This is because God’s reward for a job well done is often a bigger job to do.
We Knew You’d Make It
Here are two stories of courage and confidence.
Stop Kvetching and Start Stretching
Judi, a reporter on an East Coast newspaper, lost her job in a large company layoff. Out of work and dejected, she fell into a three-month depression. Just getting up in the morning to wash her face and brush her teeth took more strength than she felt she could muster.
Judi began taking long, daily walks and praying for the ability to start being her own best friend—even asking God to teach her to compliment herself when she did a good job on the smallest of tasks. One day a friend sent her flowers with a note attached that read, “Hang in there. Stop kvetching and start stretching!”
Judi accepted this pointed counsel from her friend as a wake-up call and took the advice to heart. She started returning phone calls and began to develop her skills with a camera. Before long an editor called and offered her a freelance assignment. That one call was all the encouragement Judi needed to press on, even though there were many setbacks along the way. Her self-esteem grew to the point that she eventually developed the confidence to begin writing her own column for several leading Florida newspapers.
“I am stronger now because of the emotional and mental work I’ve done,” Judi said. “Out of the lemons I was handed, I believe I’ve made a perfectly respectable lemonade.” To this young writer we say, congratulations for hanging in there and for doing the hard work necessary to become strong again.
It’s a Miracle I’m Here
Will, a long-distance bus driver, was spending thousands of dollars a month on his cocaine habit. He finally hit bottom when it was discovered he’d been stealing from his company. Out of work and down on his luck, for some reason Will decided to visit a local city college just to see what the academic world was like. “One thing for sure, I never thought of myself as college material,” said the young man, “and God knows I had zero self-confidence. I couldn’t believe it when one of the teachers I talked to actually told me that I’d make it.”
And make it he did. Along with the required courses for his degree, Will disciplined himself in the study of substance abuse, while at the same time receiving treatment himself. By the time he received his first A, he was well on his way to overcoming his own addiction. At graduation Will was chosen valedictorian for his class. “It’s a miracle I’m here,” he said. “I could never have imagined this. Never.” Later Will won a coveted scholarship and he plans to become a psychologist specializing in substance abuse.
Life seemed to have slammed its doors on Judi’s and Will’s hopes and dreams. But because someone believed in them, encouraged them, and told them they could do it, they took the risk to look beneath the surface and find their God-given potential, revealing untapped reserves of intelligence, giftedness, and imagination.
Fan into Flame Your Gift
I think 2 Timothy 1:6 sums up best the reason to hope: “For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you.” I suggest that you memorize these words of hope and confidence, and then consider them as the theme for this chapter. Being confident means you feel good about what is true about yourself. That’s why the apostle Paul used the words “fan into flame the gift of God.” Timothy’s gift was already there. It didn’t have to be fabricated. It’s just that Timothy had not yet recognized what lay deep beneath his surface. Paul knew what he was talking about when he penned these words of confidence to his son in the faith. He recognized Timothy was inexperienced, timid, and afraid and that he often felt incapable of carrying out his ministry because of his youth. But Paul knew Timothy. He was confident that beneath the self-doubt there was the faithful heartbeat of one of God’s chosen servants who would be used to make his Lord known.
Hundreds of years later Paul’s words still have the power to bring hope to our hearts—if we will allow them to do their good work in our lives. What gift has God given you that is waiting to emerge? Are you willing to take some small risks to discover the much greater, hidden treasures still buried deep within you? What will it take for you to develop the inner confidence to help you make your fondest dreams come true? Are you willing to take some risks—as Judi, Will, and young Timothy did—to propel you beyond the ordinary to do some truly amazing things with your life?
Paul knew Timothy. He was confident that beneath the self-doubt there was the faithful heartbeat of one of God’s chosen servants who would be used to make his Lord known.
In his bestselling book, Empires of the Mind, Denis Waitley puts the issue of taking risks into perspective with a poem that, unfortunately, could be the epitaph for much of humanity:
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Waitley continues,
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At some point in our lives, we all find ourselves burned out, emotionally exhausted, depressed, distressed, and afraid ever to risk again. Things don’t work out as we think they should. Intimate relationships come to an end. Friends and family die, leaving us at a loss. Our children listen to their own drummers and couldn’t care less about our core values. We lose our jobs, our courage, our timing, our hair, and our confidence. We’ve all been there more times than we’d like to admit. But the comforting news is that we are not alone, because this scourge of discouragement has plagued some of the most familiar names in history. Consider these individuals and the challenges they faced.
What made these people—once considered failures—persevere despite insurmountable odds? It wasn’t their education, their good looks, or, in most cases, even their IQ. It was something less tangible. There was something different in their spirit that set them apart. Let’s look together at some of the characteristics of their lives that gave them the confidence to move in the direction of their dreams. If we emulate these characteristics, we will be on our way to becoming strong again.
1. They faced their fears—and conquered them. We now believe there are only two inherent fears: the fear of falling and fear of loud noises. Yet there have been psychological tests given to large numbers of people in which seven thousand fears were identified—all acquired. Most of us develop our confidence by confronting our anxieties and discouragements and determining to do what we have set out to do. When you admit that most of your fears are homegrown, you can then make the decision to stop feeding them, pull them up by the roots, and regain control of your life.
2. They stayed focused and flexible and they had fun! These three attributes will move you closer to your dreams than anything else: focus, flexibility, fun. They will help you do your job with greater confidence, provide you with more wisdom, and make you a more resilient person. Success will probably not come your way overnight. Progress takes time. Achieving anything of significant value not only takes long hours, but it also demands long periods of courage and stamina.
3. They refused to give up on their dreams. Whenever we have a dream, we must realize that there will invariably be dream snatchers lurking in the most unsuspecting places. They may be well-meaning family, colleagues at work, or even those we thought would be the most enthusiastic cheerleaders for our new venture. Surprise! Sometimes we find we’re all alone with our dreams. That’s how Jackie Robinson, Louisa May Alcott, Walt Disney, Joni Eareckson Tada, Leo Tolstoy, and the rest of our parade of heroes felt on more than one occasion. What do you do when people throw water on your ambitions or arrange for rain on the afternoon of your parade? As you ask God to program you with his confidence, you will learn to accept these individuals as temporary obstacles around which you must either walk or run. Never allow them to determine your direction.
4. They maintained a spirit of optimism. The Bible says as a person thinks, so is he (see Proverbs 23:7). To develop a spirit of confidence and optimism, we need to establish and maintain a godly enthusiasm about our goals and dreams and see them as already coming true. To do this, we will give up all things that oppose our goals, focus deliberately on what we want to accomplish, and desire it above all else. What is your burning desire? What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? God is calling you to some act of service, and in his sight it is neither too great nor too small.
When you admit that most of your fears are homegrown, you can then make the decision to stop feeding them, pull them up by the roots, and regain control of your life.
5. They thought with their hearts. Victor Hugo said, “An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.” The amount of thinking required for you to move in the direction of your dreams and see them become reality may vary from project to project. But when you are confident what you are doing is right and that it has God’s blessing, you will get the job done regardless of the amount of thinking time it takes. Leonardo da Vinci thought through and designed the helicopter on paper four hundred years before the first chopper lifted off the ground. Edison thought through the concepts of the phonograph, electric light, an improved telephone, and moving pictures and then turned them into reality. As you allow God to direct your thoughts and ask him to anoint your desires, he will give you the insight and wisdom you need to see your dreams come true.
6. They used their stumbling blocks as stepping-stones. Scott Stuart had been a lifeguard for sixteen years when he became a quadriplegic after a diving accident. Now he works as a lifeguard dispatcher. With every logical reason to be depressed and to see himself as incapable of following his dreams, Scott has instead made it his goal to make the beaches of California accessible to those in wheelchairs through sand-traction surf chairs. He’s already begun a campaign for what he believes “will be one more step toward independence for all disabled people.” When you accept your setbacks as stepping-stones rather than stumbling blocks, you will become stronger and wiser and you’ll discover you are a person who understands the joy of living confidently.
What do you do when people throw water on your ambitions or arrange for rain on the afternoon of your parade?
When you make the decision to accept God’s strength as your strength—even if you must do it without the approval or understanding of others—you will radiate confidence, because your spirit will be too large for worry, too courageous for fear, and too happy to allow the seeds of trouble to take root in your life.
An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.
Victor Hugo
I make it a point to listen to as many audiotapes and read as many books as possible by John Maxwell, one of the finest Christian leaders and communicators today. Maxwell speaks the truth and describes it in ways that are unforgettable. About failure he says that we should not be ashamed of what may appear to be failure because it often means we had courage to try something different, we learned new information, and we now have a better idea of how it should be done. In other words, what some people call failure, we can call a learning experience.
If what we call failure is never final but simply a means of getting closer to our goals, then it stands to reason that the best book has not yet been written. The most beautiful concerto has not yet been composed. The most energy-efficient car has yet to come off the production line. The most effective cancer cure has not yet been developed in the laboratory. And the better you has yet to emerge.
I want to offer you a challenge: What are you willing to do, starting today, to ratchet up your confidence a notch or two? What can you tackle right now to help you deal with your challenges in ways you never thought possible? How can you make your most intimate relationships better and stronger? How can you revisit old attitudes, and perhaps revise them, to help you reach out to those in need in creative, new ways?
As you allow God to direct your thoughts and ask him to anoint your desires, he will give you the insight and wisdom you need to see your dreams come true.
To help you brainstorm on this, I invite you to get out your journal and write your responses to the following:
1. Choose one specific thing to work on immediately that will help you know the joy of living confidently. Describe your objective and how you plan to accomplish it.
2. Identify the habitual ways of thinking that have been holding you back, making you afraid, and keeping you from believing your dreams will come true.
3. Based on what you have learned so far in this chapter, write down what you plan to do to make life’s circumstances adjust to your dreams and not the other way around.
4. Reflect on the Chinese proverb, “Flowers leave part of their fragrance in the hands that bestow them.” Write your thoughts in your journal.
What can you tackle right now to help you deal with your challenges in ways you never thought possible? How can you make your most intimate relationships better and stronger?
5. What is your primary response to the statement, “Becoming more comfortable with myself is a strong sign of growth and inner confidence”?
6. In the past you have often used unreliable maps and timetables and have even chosen nonsupportive traveling companions at times. Write what you now know you must do to find inner healing.
7. Reflect on this Kenyan prayer: “From the cowardice that dares not face new truths; from the laziness that is content with half-truths; from the arrogance that thinks it knows all truths, dear God, deliver me.”
8. When you exchange your mistakes for wisdom and increased confidence, you make an excellent trade because you now know what?
9. What are three fears that have kept you from being confident about your God-given potential?
10. What do you intend to do immediately about these three fears as you develop the confidence to regain control of your life?
11. Always remember that God loves you and forgives you whether you are able to exude confidence or not at this place in your life. In your own words, write a thank-you to God for how much he loves you and for his desire that you use his strength to find inner healing.
Choose Your Battles Carefully
As you work deliberately to develop confidence in your daily living, I urge you to concern yourself with the things you can harness rather than issues that are beyond your control. Perhaps it’s your futile attempts to conquer every one of your challenges that have burned you out, bringing you to the edge of emotional exhaustion. While it is noble to believe you possess the requisite resources to solve each problem that arises in your life, it’s probably not too realistic. You simply cannot do it all. Do only what you can do at first. Then follow your small successes with small risks, which will further increase your confidence and eventually make you strong.
You may need to start with eliminating extraneous information about events and people that are beyond your influence to change—which may mean reducing the amount of television you watch with its stories of economic turmoil, mayhem, and murder. Television may seem to be a relaxing behavior—40 percent of Americans’ leisure time is spent glued to the tube. Yet studies indicate that we actually feel less relaxed and satisfied after a few hours watching TV than we did before.
Ask yourself: Where should the lines of battle be drawn in my life? What activities can I jettison to make room for things and people that will nourish my spirit? Where should I put my energies so that I do not dissipate my strength?
Adventure and Significance
Betty came to see me in my office and explained that she had suddenly come to a critical turning point in her life. She had worked with enthusiasm for many years as a secretary in a leading law firm but was now obliged by circumstances beyond her control to leave her position. It was not going to be easy for Betty to leave her friends, her boss, and the corporate culture that had become such an integral part of her life. She worried that she would not find a position elsewhere that would be as fulfilling and interesting. If she turned to a different occupation, even for a short time, Betty would run the risk of finding it difficult ever to return to the kind of adventure—a word she used often in our conversation—she had been engaged in for so long.
Television may seem to be a relaxing behavior—40 percent of Americans’ leisure time is spent glued to the tube. Yet studies indicate that we actually feel less relaxed and satisfied after a few hours watching TV than we did before.
I asked her, “What do you want most of all in the world?” There was a long silence. Then Betty replied, “I want to do something truly significant with my life.”
Something significant. We talked for more than an hour about the meaning of those words. What does it mean, “something significant”? Is anything ever ultimately significant? Betty hopes so. In fact she is counting on it.
As a counselor I must be careful not to lay on Betty my value judgments of what may or may not be significant for her. If I were to do so, I would be treating her as less than a capable, responsible person. What she needs from me more than anything else is a dialogue. Few people learn to understand themselves in isolation. Understanding comes only in deep encounters with others.
Betty broke the silence, “I know that just because something is good, it will not necessarily be significant. But I’m confident that if I can be and do significant things, I know that what I put my heart to will be good.”
Did you catch the word Betty used earlier in our conversation—the word adventure? Life for this woman has always been adventure—complete with hills and valleys, storms and sunsets, hurts and passion. Once a person without a shred of confidence, weak and ineffective, she learned that it has been through her adventures that she has become the mature woman she is today. Each passing has made her available for other adventures, which have always been more adult and more fruitful. Now another adventure awaits her.
I tell you Betty’s story because our lives cry out for adventure and significance. That’s why we climb mountains, swim in high surf, extreme ski, scuba dive, fly airplanes, go on vacations to exciting places. It’s why we sit wide-eyed with our hearts pounding through our chests as the roller coaster approaches its final ascent just before it leaps into space, where for those few out-of-body moments we can scarcely catch our breath as our hearts fall to our stomachs and we’re lost in the thrill of temporary weightlessness, screaming, blood pressure rising, with adrenaline coursing through our bodies faster than a moving train. Our spirits cry out for these thrills as an escape from our humdrum existence.
The good news is that you and I can have the kind of daily confidence in ourselves that makes real adventures happen in the here and now. It’s not necessary for us to wait until we can get to the nearest theme park to pay our money, stand in line, and get our thrills. The things we’ve spoken of in this chapter are the nuts and bolts of confidence-building that will help you recognize and enjoy some of the greatest adventures you will ever experience.
I say this with confidence because even though I have never met you, I know what you want in your heart of hearts. You, like Betty, want to be significant, and you want to do significant things. Your adventures will help define your significance as much as anything else because they are manifestations of your self-expression. Your adventures will invigorate you, push you beyond yourself, and propel you toward your worthy goals. They will demand that you risk stepping out of the too-safe shallows into the wild white water of life where the real action is, where you will encounter both the exhilaration of victory and the learning that comes from defeat.
Fan into flame the gift of God that is in you. Remember the source of your strength. Aim for excellence, not for perfection, and confidence will be yours.
So press on with confidence. Stay around people who will help you grow. Accentuate the positive. Fan into flame the gift of God that is in you. Remember the source of your strength. Aim for excellence, not for perfection, and confidence will be yours. I invite you to live boldly and confidently with this assurance.
Reflect. When you recognize the true source of your strength and allow God to touch your life, you will demonstrate a confidence that will move you away from exhaustion, unleash your gifts and, in turn, make you a confidence-giver to others. William Jennings Bryan wrote, “If the Father deigns to touch with divine power the cold and pulseless heart of the buried acorn and to make it burst forth from its prison walls, will he have neglected in the earth the soul of man made in the image of his Creator?” With this chapter as your reference point, how do you respond to Bryan’s statement?
Renew. In this chapter we have looked together at some of the key ingredients necessary to live confidently—including never permitting failure to become a habit. Take a moment and consider your present circumstances. Where in your life would you like more confidence? How would you feel and act if you had this confidence. “Be strong, be brave, and do not be afraid. . . . We have the Lord our God to fight our battles for us!” (2 Chron. 32:7, 8 TLB).
Rebuild. To begin to build confidence in your daily life, it’s important that you take immediate action in those areas that once shackled you and kept you from enjoying your God-given freedom. Here are five areas in which you may still be struggling. If so, write in your journal how you are going to build the kind of confidence necessary to deal with that issue in the days ahead.