sobbing as Mike attempted to comfort her.
“What is it, did I hurt you?” his soothing tone only made her cry harder, “Jane, please. Tell me what to do.”
“Go,” she choked out as she buried her head in her shaking hands. “Just leave.”
He hesitated, unsure if that was what she really wanted. He placed a hand on her back as she jerked away with a small scream, “Fucking leave!” she railed, turning to face him with tears running down her eyes and blurring her vision.
They hadn’t been dating very long, but apparently he knew not to question her in this state. He began gathering his clothes.
“If you need me, just call. Please let me know you’re alright. I’m sorry.”
She knew he had no idea what he was apologizing for—this wasn’t his fault. Jane was the one to suggest they have sex—she never considered herself overtly sexual or desirous, but now that she was eighteen, she wanted to feel normal. And normal 18 year olds had sex. Forcing herself into this was a huge mistake. She was now severely regretting it. As soon as he put himself inside of her, something even deeper inside of her snapped.
Jane ignored him as she continued to whimper, her knees pulled up to her chest as she tried to form herself into the smallest ball imaginable. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to cease existing. She couldn’t stop the images that were flooding her mind. Her psyche could not process it all at once. For a few brief moments she convinced herself that she was actually losing her mind.
“Get it together,” she whispered vehemently. “You can do this, make it stop, make it stop.” Her insides were burning with disgust.
She heard the door to her apartment shut quietly as she let out a shudder of relief—all she wanted in this moment was to be alone. But that was impossible because Dave was right there with her. He was latched on and rotting her brains from the inside out. She felt like tearing at her skin, ripping out her hair—anything to make the memories stop.
Jane showered until the scalding water burned her flesh raw, she shrieked until she lost her voice. The tears continued to fall until there was nothing left. Eventually, it could have been hours, perhaps days, the feeling of fear and horror began to ebb, just enough for another emotion to enter and slide up alongside them—rage.