Chapter Twenty-three: Valediction

Valediction (noun): an act of bidding farewell or taking leave

WHEN ADDISON PUT ON her graduation gown, she chewed the inside of her lip. Annie had been standing behind her, helping curl her hair. As they made her over, Annie advised her to make one lasting impression on the people she was going to leave behind.

“Show em what they missed out on.”

Something about it made Addison’s stomach sink.

“Hey,” Annie ran a finger over her worry lines, “it’s the last time you’ll ever have to see any of those kids. Once you go to college, those people won’t matter.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“High school is just a small part of your life. When you get to college, you’ll realize that.” Their eyes met in the mirror. “I promise, Adds, it gets easier. And you have all sorts of things going for you. You’re ready.”

Addison knew she wasn’t just referring to her hair. She ran her hands over the silken material of her robe with a steadied inhale. “I’m ready,” she repeated, squaring her shoulders as she stood.

 

***

 

Having the last name 'Warren' put her in the position of being one of the last to graduate. It also allowed her to listen to the extensive list of fellow classmates; ones she never even knew existed. With a student body of over five hundred students, she realized how small her world versus the world really was. So many stories, so many plotlines. None of which had a chance to cross.

Pages filled with glimpses of people her consciousness never had time to register. It was too focused on the main characters to bother getting to know any supporting ones. And for what? They all ended with a closing chapter that remained favorable for one, and discouraging for another. Addison let it all go.

“Crisa Elizabeth Grayson,” Principal Cartwright announced. Addison berated herself for how easily her ears picked out the heart-fluttering name. She turned to the stage as Crisa, in a pair of dainty heels and a finely pressed robe, approached the school board. Though there was a smile on her face, Addison knew it was accompanied by a strained neck vein and balled fists. She wondered if it was her natural reaction to everyone moving on, or if it was because Crisa knew she was about to spend another four years being someone her mother wanted her to be.

Addison hoped, unrealistically so, that Crisa would defend what she really wanted. But Crisa still lacked the courage to do anything but trudge across the stage. She searched the crowd for the doctor. The prim woman sat with her back tall and her arms crossed as her daughter gripped Principal Cartwright’s hand. Then Crisa turned to flash a brilliant smile at the camera. Addison realized that even now, everything was staged, all the way until the very last second.

Crisa descended from the platform with a distant look in her eye. She wilted into her seat, head bowed with her focus glued to the diploma in her lap. She sat so stiffly Addison wondered if it was possible for a person to remain permanently frozen. Stuck. Time kept ticking, even if Crisa remained in place. And then, finally…

“Addison Iris Warren.”

She rose, taking her final high school steps, repeating the motions each student before her had. The camera flashed just as she readied a smile, and then it all disappeared. She walked down the aisle, unable to avoid Crisa’s eyes on her. Much to her surprise, instead of turning away, Crisa gave her a fond smile. For a second, it was almost like they didn’t tear each other apart. It made her heart sing. She surprised herself even more by smiling back, carrying the image of Crisa’s pink cheeks with her to her seat.

When the ceremony ended and her tassel hung to the left, her chest expanded. Mentally, she felt complete. Physically, she felt lifted from the ground as a pair of muscular arms encircled her frame.

“Congratulations, Addison!” Uncle Grant grinned as she dangled from his hold. Nick waited for her to return to the floor before enveloping her in a warm hug of his own. The hugging concluded with Annie, who squeezed her so tight she barely managed to breathe. She let out a dramatic cough when Annie released her grip and the sisters shared a laugh.

“That was a very long commencement,” Nick chuckled. “I had no idea your school was so big.”

Addison laughed along. “Me either. Honestly, it always felt kinda small.” Suffocating, even.

“Just wait till college, kid.” Annie gave her a knowing wink.

She felt eyes watching them. When she turned, a weary Crisa was standing by her mother and Michael. She picked at the edge of her diploma while yearning eyes basked in the celebratory group.

Annie watched for her reaction. “Do you want to say hi?”

“It would be the polite thing to do,” Nick added. “But we understand if you don’t.”

“No umm…it’s okay.” She shifted her weight on her feet. “We can just like, say congrats?”

“You’re quite the grown up,” Grant praised, throwing an arm in support around her as they approached the trio.

“Congratulations, Crisa.” Grant’s bearlike stature towered over the doctor and her boyfriend. Opposite of his intimidating size, the smile on his face was genuine as he held his arms open for Crisa. “You look beautiful, sweetie,” he complimented the antsy girl. “Aww, come on, don’t tell me that now that you’re a graduate you’re too cool for hugs. Adults need love too, you know.”

The walls of Crisa’s hesitation fell away as she stepped into his arms. He gave her a whirl, spinning her in the air before setting her back down.

“Thank you,” she said while anxious eyes drifted towards Addison. “Congratulations, Addie.”

Addison had prepared to congratulate her back, but the use of the old nickname set her heart off, “Y…you too. Congrats.”

Pink lips upturned to the left, her beauty mark rising along with it. It was a tiny smile, but still a sincere one.

“Congratulations, Addison.” Denise interrupted their moment. “I haven’t seen you around much and Crisa doesn’t talk to me. Let’s have an update, where have you decided to spend your next four years?”

Addison could feel Crisa tensing as Denise cut right to the point, shameless in her prying. “I’m going to George Washington.”

“Oh,” Denise beamed, unaware of her daughter’s conflicted expression. She turned to face Crisa with a rehearsed smile; one that looked more like a sneer than anything.

“See, Addison is staying close by. She’s a good girl!”

Offense flashed over Crisa’s eyes. Addison resisted the urge to pull her into her arms and shelter her from her mother’s falsified humor. It wasn’t her place anymore. Denise pivoted her attention to Grant and Nick. “You must be so happy she chose to stay at home.”

“I uhh, actually got a scholarship,” Addison chimed in, hoping to diminish the hype the woman emphasized on the proximity to home. “It kinda made it the choice for me.” Her attempts backfired when the woman gave an enigmatic smile.

“Even better! See, Crisa, why didn’t you apply for any scholarships?” Denise’s eyes twinkled with far too sinister a gleam to be taken light-heartedly.

“Mom.” Crisa ground her teeth and Addison could see the half-moon impressions left in her palm from the fist she was making. “Stop.”

Addison wished that for once, just Crisa was enough.

The pretentious woman brushed off Crisa’s attitude with another backhanded comment. “If only Crisa would have chosen an in-state school,” she hummed to Addison’s guardians, looking right past her daughter. “Tuition wouldn’t have been a problem, but she decided to put herself all the way in Florida for God sakes! And it took her forever to decide as well. She kept going back and forth and…”

Addison zoned out after that as her heart plummeted. Florida. She returned to the present when a weight landed on her shoulder. Nick shielded his arms over her and Crisa. “We should be proud of our girls, no matter what.”

She dared a glance at Crisa’s stilted expression. Addison softened her gaze, offering the bit of comfort that she could. Despite the space between them, literally and metaphorically, she could see the barriers in watery blue eyes starting to collapse. They began to shimmer. Addison silently willed Crisa not to give her mother the satisfaction, hoping the girl had one last fight in her.

“Of course. After all, we can’t control them anyway,” Denise purred in Crisa’s direction with a sickening smile. “Right, honey?” The way she said the term of endearment didn’t sound sweet at all and Crisa withered in response.

Nick must have sensed it too, because he tucked the pair closer into his sturdy frame. Addison abandoned her inhibitions, trailing her hand around his back until she met Crisa’s silky robe, giving it a reassuring tug. Rumors be damned. They weren’t going back.

“And we shouldn’t want to.” Grant placed a firm hand on Crisa’s shoulder with a paternal sense of protection.

“Addie, I wanted…” Crisa began, but was cut off when her friends bounded towards them.

The Warren clan shuffled aside to avoid the swarm of new graduates, conversation drawing to a premature close. Crisa’s cap fell to the side from the force of her friends’ attack, all of them speaking at a mile a minute. Even with the tassel askew, she looked adorable. Blonde waves floated, head turning every which way as she tried to comprehend six conversations at once. Blue eyes found hers and Addison half expected her to tear her gaze away again, but she didn’t. She just held it while Addison felt a new set of arms encircled around her waist.

“Hey, Adds!” Ellie beamed, drawing her attention away from Crisa. The elite offered her a small, awkward wave from afar.

“We did it! I can’t believe we’re officially graduated adults!”

“We did.” Addison let out a sigh, not sure if it was more out of relief or disappointment.

“Why the face?”

Green eyes diverted to the bustling group a few yards away.

“Well, hey. Don’t think about her. We’re done with those guys for the rest of our lives! Plus, I’m gonna need you to smile.”

“What? Why?”

Before receiving a reply, a couple looking strikingly like her friend approached. “Addison, parents. Parents, Addison.”

“Nice to meet you,” Mrs. Patel replied. “It’s a shame we didn’t get to until now.”

“Hey, better late than never, that’s what I always say,” Mr. Patel chuckled, reaching out a hand towards her uncles.

“Grant.”

“Nick.”

“And you?” he extended his hand towards the older girl standing by her guardians.

“Annie. The big sister.”

“Lovely to meet you all. I’m sure you’re all very proud of Addison. Congratulations, dear.” He offered her a toothy grin.

“And Ellie, too,” Grant added with respect, “congrats, kiddo.”

Her stand partner or rather, now ex-stand partner, lit up at the felicitations.

“We were hoping we’d be able to get a picture of you two, if that’s alright,” Mrs. Patel piped up.

“Uhh sure.”

“Wait! Could you pretend that you’re playing the drums in the picture?” Ellie’s mother requested of them.

Ellie groaned. “No, mom! You’re so embarrassing.” Addison stifled a giggle, receiving a jab in her ribs from the mortified girl by her side.

“Hey, one day you’ll be thanking us,” Her father reasoned, gesturing for the two to scoot together. “You’ll cherish these fleeting memories.” he held the camera out, finger hovering over the shutter button.

As it flashed, Addison realized that Mr. Patel was right.

 

***

 

‘Better late than never’ had never been so accurate. Addison was hit with a wave of regret as she drove by Homer’s that summer. Not once did she see the green Saturn parked in the lot. It broke her heart to think that Crisa stopped going to Homer’s. Or even worse, left without a final goodbye. She had hoped Crisa would have at least been decent enough to do that. Especially after how civil their graduation had been.

She spent much of her summer with Ellie and a few other acquaintances from school. But she didn’t bother to get to know the newcomers. Not the way she did Crisa. Part of it was because she was afraid to get hurt again. But the logical part of her knew there was no real point. In a few weeks, they’d be off going their separate ways and Addison didn’t really plan to look back. At least, not while she was awake. Her dreams though, had their own agenda. And in them, a recurring blonde played the starring role.

It happened by chance that she passed the Odyssey one last time. She hadn’t had much time to visit between her packing and shopping for her dorm essentials. Her schedule was prioritized by typing ISBN numbers, and gathering plenty of do-it-yourself guides for the next year.

When her little red car puttered by the bookshop, she slammed on the brakes, taking a rather dangerous turn to skid into the parking lot. Cory was standing outside with a ladder under his feet, in the process of hanging a ‘store closing’ sign. She threw open the car door, jogging to the pursed-lipped man.

“What’s going on? Why’s the Odyssey closing?” A wild anxiety coursed through her veins.

“Dad passed away.”

Her expression dropped. Before she could even offer her condolences to the normally aloof man, he spoke again. “You should probably check on your friend.”

“I…” She hesitated, reached around to her back pocket for her phone. She wondered if Crisa would even answer her call.

He shook his head. “She’s inside.”

Crisa’s still here? She flew through the door. When her eyes landed on Crisa, her entire world started to spin again.

“Crisa?”

“Addie?” Red-rimmed eyes met hers in shock. “What’re you…?” And suddenly, they were wrapped up in each other’s arms, tears streaming down their faces.

“It’s too late. It’s always been too late,” Crisa croaked, her breath catching in a desperate a sob.

Addison shattered at the sound, the animosity she felt towards their situation seeping through the cracks. “Homer wouldn’t want to see you crying over him. He loved you.” She tried to encourage Crisa to stop crying while fighting against her own tears. She wasn’t sure if there was an exact reason that she was crying. But she was certain that the many reasons that she was, were the same ones that Crisa carried.

“It’s not just Homer! Venus died right after graduation.” Crisa hiccupped through the words at a hysterical pace, eyes storming in despair. “And then they stopped manufacturing Saturns. I can’t fix it. Everything just stopped. I…I wanted to forget it. But not all of it. Not the good parts. The memories, they…they’re gone.”

“They’re not gone.” Addison attempted to assuage her sadness, feeling a tinge herself at the thought of her own past losses. “You can’t erase memories, no matter how much you try.”

“Especially the bad ones.” Crisa sniffed and Addison knew exactly what she was trying to imply.

They sat in silence. Communication had never been their strongest suit. No longer able to tread around it, she allowed her thoughts to bubble to the surface.

“I just wish you would have talked to me. You have no idea how much that hurt.”

“It still hurts.” Crisa took her hand with a bittersweet smile. “I know.”

Before Addison could respond, Crisa’s phone started blaring. Crisa fumbled as she silenced the device, wiping hastily at her tearstained cheeks.

“I have…I have to head to the airport.”

“Oh.”

Crisa really was leaving. To Florida, no less.

“Uhh, could I walk you out?”

Crisa nodded as the duo exited the small shop, possibly for the very last time. Crisa unlocked her car, rifling through her belongings before retrieving a small plush Drifter. She had almost forgotten.

“I was going to drop him off at your house before I left. I guess this saves me a little more time.”

How ironic, considering how little time they had left? Addison nodded. A set of trembling hands brushed against another as they made the exchange.

“I never did any more than hold hands.” Crisa sighed, eyes trained on their fingers. “That’s why none lasted.”

“Huh?”

“I never did it with any of them.”

“What’re you talking about?” Addison insisted, frustrated with the return of vagueness in Crisa’s reply.

“The boys,” Crisa clarified with effort. “I never slept with them. I just…I couldn’t be with them. I never felt committed. That’s why I hopped from one to the other so much. I guess I was trying to fill a spot that I thought was empty. But no matter how much I tried I couldn’t because it was already taken. And I didn’t want anything…” As her words trailed off, Addison heard the whispered, “but you.”

“Crisa, don’t do this…” her heart couldn’t take it.

Crisa shook her head. “I’m not. I know I messed up, Addie. I just, you needed to know the truth.”

Addison frowned. “I thought you did. Everyone else said…”

Crisa’s dry chuckle stopped her from continuing. “I hoped of all people, you would be the one person who didn’t. You always knew me better.”

“Did I?”

It was a loaded two words.

“Better than I know myself,” Crisa insisted with inquisitive eyes gazing at Addison. “You know, I kept wondering what was wrong with us.”

“There’s nothing wrong with liking girls,” Addison shot down. “Nothing is wrong with us.”

“But there was.” She realized what Crisa was talking about. The lack of communication. Their constant push and pull. Hiding and pretending to avoid the backlash. The horrible fight that had occurred between them. “Maybe we should stop…”

Dating? Seeing each other? Addison thought to herself. “We never even were.”

Defeated eyes rose to meet her measured gaze. “Is that really how you feel?”

“I don’t know what I feel anymore.”

Crisa offered a solemn nod of acceptance, glancing down the street to where the sun set over the horizon. “Funny how you can only see so far,” she observed wistfully, “but never far out enough to really understand how small we are.”

“We still have a lot of growing up to do.”

Crisa leaned in and for a moment, Addison’s heart hammered as she willed it to stop pounding. At last second, Crisa turned just enough to place a chaste kiss on Addison’s cheek.

“Take care of yourself, Addie.”

“Y…you too,” Addison said as Crisa climbed into the foreign vehicle, new and shiny, and nothing like Venus.

“We’ll, uhh, keep in touch?”

“Okay,” Addison obliged, though a part of her was still hesitant to believe that they would. It had been a wasted year and an ephemeral summer. Crisa shifted her sunglasses over her eyes as Addison stepped back.

“Crisa! Wait!” she called after the reversing car, knocking on the window.

“Addie?” It rolled down and Addison could hear the faintest glimmer of hope in Crisa’s voice.

“I just…Why Florida? I thought you would have chosen, like, Cali after everything.”

Crisa sighed. “I was debating between the two.”

“What won you over?”

“Honestly?” Crisa bit her lip. “The memories. Florida made me happy.”

The kiss. “It,” her heart faltered, “it made me happy too.”