Chapter 1 GIVE UP THE PAST

One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.

—MICHAEL CIBENKO

MY STORY

Throughout the late 1980s and early 1990s, life for my family and me, in our European home country of Romania, which was transitioning out of Communism at the time, was far from pleasant.

For years, my mom and my siblings were as terrified of my father as I was. So much so that I used to huddle under my blanket, on a small pillow, and with tears in my eyes pray to God to keep me and my family safe.

However, life was very hard, not only at home but everywhere I went.

Kids at school and on the playground were taking turns making fun of me and calling me hurtful names; teachers were looking down on me, giving me the pity look, treating me as if I were less valuable than the other kids in my class; our neighbors were throwing harsh words at me and my siblings, telling us how tired they were of us living in the same building with them and that they wanted us out. Everywhere I went, people seemed to have something against me and my family.

As time went by, I began to think that maybe they were right to treat me so poorly and that maybe I was less valuable than most people.

As a result I began using all kinds of negative, toxic and self-defeating words to describe myself and my life. I grew up thinking I wasn’t a worthy human being. I grew up thinking I wasn’t worthy to be happy, respected and loved. I grew up thinking I was small and insignificant and that I would never be anything else but the girl who came from a “dysfunctional” family and who was now doomed to repeat the same mistakes her parents made and to live a sad and unhappy life.

Then suddenly, after I turned twelve, my father died.

• • •

The power of the past is a strange one. Despite my father’s death, I carried my first twelve years with me wherever I went, allowing the burdens of those times to weigh me down and to keep me feeling trapped, stuck and unhappy.

Because I didn’t know how to release the pain that my father inflicted upon me; because I didn’t know how to accept, embrace, forgive, release and let go of all those past hurts, I continued to allow the past to define me and my life. I continued to suffer.

Worse, if for the first twelve years of my life my father had been my bully, after his death it was almost as if I decided to take his place and become my own bully. I became my own worst enemy.

I started abusing myself and despising my mom, neighbors, teachers and many of the bullies in school and on the playground.

I even got to a point where I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror, I was so lacking in self-love, self-confidence and self-respect.

“Why did you have to drag us through all this mess?” I often yelled at my mother, making sure she knew what a horrible parent I thought she was.

“Why didn’t you leave Father years ago?”

“Why did we have to suffer because of your mistakes?”

“It’s because of you that we are as messed up as we are!”

“It’s all your fault!”

“I will never have a normal life because of you!”

“It’s all your fault, Mom . . .”

“I hate you so god damn much!”

I wanted people to acknowledge me and my pain. I wanted them to understand what I was going through and to come to my “rescue.” But nobody ever did. Nobody.

LESSONS IN LETTING GO

You are not a victim. No matter what you have been through, you’re still here. You may have been challenged, hurt, betrayed, beaten, and discouraged, but nothing has defeated you. You are still here! You have been delayed but not denied. You are not a victim, you are a victor. You have a history of victory.

—STEVE MARABOLI

I used to think I was a victim of my past. I used to think that just because I was born and raised in a very unhappy and violent environment, I was doomed to live that way for the rest of my life.

Well, guess what? I was wrong.

The moment you decide that you have had enough of everything, enough of stress and anxiety, enough of anger and resentment, enough of struggle, lack, pain and poverty, enough of tears, heartbreaks, self-destructive thoughts, behaviors and relationships and enough of all that is negative and toxic, that will be the moment you will finally be ready to take charge of your life and take the necessary steps toward a better and happier life.

• • •

It took me a long time to realize that the only salvation I ever needed was from my own toxic thoughts and from my own self. The moment I realized this truth, I was able to finally open my eyes and see things clearly for the first time in my life.

I remember thinking to myself:

Yes, you were a victim when your father was alive. You were young and couldn’t defend yourself. Once he was gone, the gate to your “prison cell” was opened. You were free to escape and live a happy life. Free from the past and free to build a new life for yourself. But your attachment to all those past hurts kept you inside the “prison cell” your father placed you in the first twelve years of your life, made you believe that you were still a victim of your past and that you would continue to be trapped in the past for the rest of your life.

If there must be madness, chaos and time crunches in your life, then let there be chaos. These things are happening around you; nothing is happening to you. Find the strength and stillness to be the eye inside that storm.

—AMY JIRSA

It’s not easy to go from perceiving yourself as a victim to deciding that you have the power to do something about your life, you have the power to change things around. It’s not easy to accept the pain that you harbor and work on accepting, forgiving and giving up on your past.

It’s not easy to accept the fact that people mistreated you and treated you unkindly in the past and that you were deprived of love, happiness and affection.

It’s not easy to make peace with your past hurts, surrender and let go of it all, but if you do it, your life will be forever transformed and good things will start happening to you, because of you.

Your past doesn’t have to equal your future, unless you want it to.

Ivone, one of my blog readers, understands this truth deeply. After having lost her beloved parents three years ago, she was able to overcome that sense of loss with the help of her loving fiancé, who had always supported her, and gave her the strength she needed to move forward. When she lost him as well, in a car accident, Ivone completely shut down. She felt heartbroken, angry, frustrated and disappointed at God and the whole world because she just couldn’t understand why this was happening to her.

It felt so unfair to be so unhappy and see everyone else go on with their lives as if nothing was wrong. As a result, Ivone became bitter and resentful and started pushing everyone away, including herself. She gave up on her will to live, she gave up on herself, and she gave up on the hope that she was ever going to be happy again. After a while, seeing that she was going down a path of self-destruction, she decided to let it all go—to let go of the pain she was harboring in her heart, to let go of the bitterness and resentment that was poisoning her mind, her relationships and her life, and to accept what had happened. When she did so, not only did she manage to free herself of the heavy burden of the past, she also found the inner strength to make peace with the idea that things don’t always happen the way we expect them to happen, and that’s okay. Now she’s living a peaceful, harmonious life, expressing her gratitude on a daily basis for every experience life sends her way, good or bad.

If you cling to the past and keep on using it as an excuse for not moving on with your life, then yes, your future will be very similar to your past. On the other hand, if you give up the past and allow yourself to be present and engaged in your day-to-day life, while at the same time having a clear vision of what you want your future to look like, then your future will be nothing like your past. It’s all up to you. You have the power to decide. The future of your life is in your hands.

• • •

Isn’t it ironic how we use something as precious as the present moment to fill with past hurts? We think and talk about the past, we think and talk about the future, but we rarely stop to pay attention to the present moment.

We don’t cling to the past because we want to suffer, but because we think that by holding on to it we will be happy. This is the irony.

We cling to the past because the past gives us a sense of identity; it makes us who we are, or at least that’s what we think. Because we haven’t yet learned how to be present and engaged in our day-to-day lives, we continue to craft our lives from a place of limitations—the past—instead of doing it from a place of infinite choices and possibilities—the present moment.

Thank goodness, we have a choice.

THE PATH TO “GIVING UP”

1. Commitment

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

—HELEN KELLER

Make a commitment to yourself:

I (your name),

Make a commitment to myself to work on letting go of what’s behind me and start appreciating what’s in front of me.

I accept and appreciate the past for all the lessons it had to teach me, and I allow my past experiences to make me a better not a bitter person.

I will work on disciplining my mind to be present and engaged in the now, and I promise myself to make the best out of every experience life sends my way, either good or bad.

I promise myself to become a source of inspiration for myself and those around me and to spread love and positivity wherever I go.

I promise myself to live life fully and to always be honest with myself, even at the risk of “offending” those around me.

I give myself permission to forgive, to love and to be thankful for every experience life sends my way.

I give myself permission to turn my wounds into wisdom and my difficulties into opportunities.

I give myself permission to love myself, the people around me and my life.

I give myself permission to make the rest of my life the best of my life.

Sincerely,

(Your name)

• • •

Because of the many years of our past conditioning and the intense training we have in holding on to things, letting go won’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. Be patient and gentle with yourself while working on this process and remember to take one step at a time. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step after all.

There is plenty of happiness waiting for you in your present life, and all you have to do is make a commitment to yourself to give up the past and start enjoying the present moment. Once you commit to making it happen, nothing and no one will be able to stand between you and your happiness.

2. Acceptance

What often screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.

—UNKNOWN

The moment you become attached to how things should be, how people and life should treat you and how your happiness should be packaged and delivered your way, you create a lot of resistance and unhappiness in your life.

Let go of this image you have in your head of how life should have been or how it should be. Discipline your mind to work with you not against you, to lift you up and not to tear you down.

If your past was painful and traumatic, work on healing the wounds that were created. Accept your struggles, your so-called failures and mistakes, your wounds and past hurts. Accept it all. Don’t resist it.

On the other hand, if your past was a glorious and happy one and your present life is far from matching that perfect picture, instead of being bitter and resentful toward your present reality, work on using the same mentality, the same tools and the same principles you used in the past to craft a better life and to reinvent yourself. It can be done, and the proof is your past.

Surrender to what is. Accept the past the way it is, with both the good and the bad. Because only by accepting what happened will you be able to leave it all behind and work on crafting a brand-new life for yourself.

Be willing to work on healing any wounds you might have and let go of any anger and resentment you are holding on to. Give yourself permission to work on forgiving those who might have hurt you in the past and to make room in your mind, body and heart for love, peace and tranquility.

Work on accepting, embracing and forgiving it all, no matter how hard and impossible it might seem. Don’t cling to the pain, and what’s most important, don’t let your past define and limit you. Accept your past for what it was and accept your life for what it is now. Only by doing so will you have the power to change your present life situation.

3. Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that you can do for your physiology and your spirituality. Yet, it remains one of the least attractive things to us, largely because our egos rule so unequivocally. To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds.

—WAYNE DYER

A lot of people think that the moment you decide to forgive someone who once hurt you, the person who receives the forgiveness is the only one benefiting from your kind and charitable gesture, but that’s not the case. I can tell you for sure that the person who will benefit the most is the person who does the forgiving.

Don’t let your mind trick you into thinking that forgiveness is an act of weakness. Contrary to what you have been led to believe, forgiveness is an act of strength.

Forgiveness is an act of strength.

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, to be at peace, to be happy and to be able to sleep at night. You don’t forgive because you are weak but because you are strong enough to realize that only by giving up on resentment will you be happy.

If you hold on to poisonous thoughts like hate, anger and resentment toward someone, you will end up poisoning yourself more than you poison the other person, and you will be very unhappy.

• • •

If others mistreated you in the past, it doesn’t mean you have to continue their work. Look how beautifully Mark Twain talks about this: “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Let go of all the anger, all the toxicity and all the resentment that is poisoning your mind, body, soul and life. If you’re mad, be mad. Don’t hide and suppress your feelings. Let it all out, and once you’re done with being mad, allow forgiveness to enter your heart.

Only by removing all the toxicity from your life will you be able to free yourself from the self-made prison you have been living in for so long.

Fill your heart with love. Forgive and let go. Not necessarily because those who mistreated you deserve it, but because you do. Let forgiveness liberate you from your past. Allow it to take away all the resentment you’ve kept in your heart for all this time and allow it to fill in that empty space with love.

Forgive, release and let go.

Start small and trust that as you work on letting go of all the extra baggage that is weighing you down, you will start to feel lighter and you will gain a lot more clarity about your life. You will feel happier and more at peace with yourself and the world around you.

I personally had a lot of forgiving to do, especially when it came to my father. But the older I got and the more challenges I had to face on my own, the easier it became for me to understand that, in the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”

It was forgiveness that helped turn my wounds into wisdom and my anger, bitterness and resentment into love and compassion.

4. Look for the Lessons

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

—HARUKI MURAKAMI

Don’t look for faults. Look for the lessons in everything that has happened to you. Look for the good in the bad, look for the beautiful in the ugly. Being positive and having a grateful attitude will help you cope with life’s challenges in a healthier and more empowering way.

Be an alchemist.

Follow Kurt Vonnegut’s advice and learn to “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

Take the best out of every experience. Allow your challenges to make you better not bitter. Turn your wounds into wisdom and your difficulties into opportunities. Search for the lessons. Look for the empowering meaning in everything, and when you do so no experience will ever be wasted.

Be a light unto this world. Make light where there was once darkness. Give love to those who have none.

Work on treating everyone with love and compassion, and look to see every person that comes into your life as both your student and your teacher.

Learn from every life experience. Learn from every person. Know that they all have something to teach you.

5. Be Thankful

Be thankful for the bad things in life. For they open your eyes to the good things you weren’t paying attention to before.

—UNKNOWN

Shift your focus from the bad onto the good, from the pain onto the gain, from resentment onto forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. Learn to let go of any regrets and resentment you might be holding on to and look back at your life with thankfulness.

Be thankful to those who mistreated you, for they have showed you how not to live your life.

Be thankful to those who betrayed you. It is because of them that you have learned the power that comes from the act of forgiveness.

Be thankful to those who refused to help you in times of need. It is because of them you have learned how to do it all by yourself.

Be thankful for the difficult times, for they have showed you how strong you can be.

Be thankful for those who labeled, judged and criticized you harshly. It is because of them you have learned that your value and self-worth come from yourself and not from others.

Be thankful to those who gave you no love. It is because of them that you have learned to look for love and approval within yourself.

Be thankful for the many limits that were imposed on you. It is because of them you have learned to break free from all the past conditioning and create your own reality and your own rules.

Be thankful for your past mistakes and failures. It is because of them that you have learned how not to do things. It is because of them that you have learned what works and what doesn’t.

Be thankful for both the good and bad experiences life has sent your way. It is because of these experiences that you have learned some of life’s most valuable lessons.

Fill your heart with gratitude, appreciation and thankfulness and know that a thankful heart is better than a bitter one.

The moment you start appreciating life exactly as it is, life will start appreciating you exactly as you are.