Chapter 4

GIVE UP YOUR EXCUSES

Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anyone else expects of you. Never excuse yourself.

—HENRY WARD BEECHER

MY STORY

I don’t know if I ever saw myself as someone who came up with excuses. The way I saw it, life treated me unkindly, and if I was living a very unhappy life it wasn’t because of me. It wasn’t because I was making up excuses, but because that’s how my life was. I was just being “realistic.”

Everything seemed to be out of my control. In fact, for a very long time I lived under the impression that life was happening to me and that I had no say in it whatsoever. I was just a puppet.

When you get your sense of identity from your past hurts, your wounds and your struggles, it can be quite impossible to acknowledge the fact that maybe you are using what happened in the past as an excuse for why you are not living a happier and more meaningful life in the present.

Even though after that whole incident in fifth grade with my History teacher I started to care about my grades and about my school situation, and even though by the time I finished high school I was one of the top students in my class, for some strange reason I still didn’t fully believe in myself. I still didn’t think I had what it takes to go to a good university.

I remember being in my last year of high school and feeling so scared and so disoriented. Looking at my classmates and seeing how they were all preparing themselves for university, studying very hard and doing their best to make their dreams come true, I realized that I had no dreams and that I wasn’t really passionate about anything. I had no idea where I wanted to go to university or whether I was even going to go to one. All kinds of crazy thoughts were running through my mind:

It would be nice to continue to study Architecture . . . but what if I won’t be able to handle it? What if it’s going to be too hard for me?

The subjects you study while in university are a lot more difficult than the ones you study in high school. And I’m sure I’m going to fail many classes.

No, I really don’t think this is going to work out. I really don’t think I have what it takes to go to university.

Plus, my mom can’t really afford to put me through school in another city, so I should just stay home . . .

If all throughout secondary school and high school I felt safe and quite comfortable with where I was and with how my life was unfolding, once I finished high school, I went back to feeling scared, alone, lost and disconnected. I went back to being that same insecure little girl that I was when my father was alive.

• • •

Thinking that things weren’t going to work out for me if I decided to continue to study Architecture and that my mom couldn’t really afford to pay for my studies and for all the expenses that would come from me living in a different city, I decided to take the easy out. I decided to go to university in my hometown and study History, which I dropped out of after just a few months without telling anyone.

I stayed home for two years after that, feeling like a total failure, damaging my self-esteem and confidence, falling into the trap of thinking that my life was ruined. Instead of using the same mentality I had used in fifth grade when I was so close to failing History class, and instead of looking for ways to make the “impossible” possible, I decided to give up on myself once again, allowing my fears, doubts, limitations and excuses to hold me back in life and forcing myself to walk on a path that wasn’t mine to walk on.

By using one excuse after another and by believing every limiting thought that was running through my mind, I ended up making many bad choices.

After two years of staying home and doing absolutely nothing with my life, influenced by the “good” opinions of those around me, I decided to go to university once again. This time to study Economics, something I was later going to regret.

LESSONS IN LETTING GO

People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.

—J. MICHAEL STRACZYNSKI

A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kinds of excuses—excuses that 99.9 percent of the time are not even real.

We fall into the trap of thinking that we don’t have enough time to do the things we want to do, that we’re not ready to take the necessary steps that will contribute to our growth and happiness, that nobody will help and support us, that we don’t have the necessary resources, knowledge, time and so on. And because of our attachment to all of these excuses and limitations we sell ourselves short, settling for way less than we are worth and living a life that is not ours to live.

• • •

When you’ve lived most of your life in an environment where excuses were part of your everyday existence and where most people perceived themselves as victims of their circumstances, it can be quite challenging not to perceive your excuses, fears and limitations as truths. But you have to be willing to let go of your excuses if you want to create something new, something fresh and something better.

I wasted so many years of my life because of the many excuses I was so deeply attached to. I did things that had no real value to me and lived a life that had no purpose and no meaning.

Thinking that I didn’t have what it takes to continue to study Architecture, that I could never afford to move to a different city, and that I wasn’t really capable of living all alone among strangers, I gave up. I gave up on life and myself without even questioning my thoughts, beliefs and excuses, thinking that that was the right thing to do, that I wasn’t worthy and deserving of a better life and that I shouldn’t even dare to dream of one. And I did that for more than twenty-five years. Using my past as an excuse for why my present wasn’t better and why I wasn’t living a happy, meaningful and balanced life.

Frank, a man in his forties who reached out to me, had a similar struggle.

Having been raised in a rough neighborhood, and constantly exposed to physical, verbal and emotional abuse from his parents, Frank used his past as an excuse to drop out of school and start making a living by selling drugs. That’s what he did for more than fifteen years, even though he was aware that it wasn’t the right thing to do. His excuse was always the same: “I don’t know how to do anything else. I don’t have any skills for making a decent living.”

His life took a different turn when he was involved in a shooting and was severely wounded in the chest. When he was rushed to the hospital, the doctors did everything to save him, and when he was finally stable, he was told that his being alive was a miracle and that he should be grateful for being given a second chance at life. After almost losing his life, Frank decided he needed to stop making excuses, give it all up and make a fresh start. He moved to a different town, went back to school and finished college as one of the top students in the class. He now runs his own business and is living a much happier and more fulfilled life than he could have ever imagined.

There is always a way out. No matter how old or young you might be, no matter how many mistakes you might have made in the past, no matter if you think that you don’t have what it takes to change your life for the better, no matter if you think people won’t support you, if you really want to make something happen, you will put all your excuses behind you and you will find a way to make the impossible possible.

Where there is a will, there is always a way, and once you start giving up your excuses, you will be able to see things clearly. You will find The Way.

THE PATH TO “GIVING UP”

1. All Excuses Are Misalignment

All excuses are misalignment. Words like “difficult,” “risky,” “can’t,” “too weak,” “too dumb” and “too complicated” do not apply to the divine mind. I urge you to reharmonize with energy that can do anything and everything, for this is your original nature.

—WAYNE DYER

Who you are underneath it all knows no limits, no fear and no limitations. And whenever you choose to use all kinds of excuses for why you can’t be, do or have something, you are in fact moving away from your true power, disconnecting from your true self and building a false identity for yourself. An identity that will only weaken you, causing you to see yourself as being small, powerless and insignificant. Your excuses keep you from being true to yourself, from listening to the messages of your heart and soul, and they keep you from remembering that within you lies both the power and the ability to create the beautiful and loving life you deep down know that you deserve to live. And that is why it so important to learn to differentiate between your true self and your mentally constructed self, between what is real and what is not, between what is fear and what is love, between what is truth and what is illusion.

Know that you have your unique path to walk upon, your own purpose to fulfill, and that whenever you attach yourself to your excuses, to your many fears and limitations, you move away from your true nature and away from your life path. You stop being in harmony with who you are, and you start living a life that is not yours to live. And that’s how life starts to become a struggle.

All the discomfort, unease, pain and unhappiness you experience whenever you cling to your many excuses is caused by your efforts to build a false identity and a fearful life for yourself, a life that has no purpose and no meaning, a life that is built on fear and doubt instead of love and trust.

Dare to listen to what your heart has to say. Reharmonize with energy that can do anything and everything and give yourself permission to love, to grow, to evolve and to live your life to the fullest.

Get into the habit of questioning every thought you think and every belief you have, especially those thoughts and beliefs that hold you back in life. Learn to reflect on the things your mind tells you. Learn to assess yourself, your thoughts, your beliefs and your excuses.

Let go of the need to use words like “It’s too difficult,” “It won’t happen to me,” “I don’t have the time,” “I don’t have the energy,” “Nobody will help me,” “I’m too old,” and so on, and allow your courageous heart and loving soul to lead the way.

When we know who we are, we can overcome our fears and insecurities. We surpass our smaller selves . . . The answers to the questions of what to say, what to do, whom to let in, and whom to keep out become a clear and simple matter of listening to our hearts. That inner voice helps us align with our purpose . . . The voice is there. We just need to listen to it. When we do that, we live in fearlessness.

—ARIANNA HUFFINGTON

2. Assess Yourself

It is necessary . . . for a man to go away by himself . . . to sit on a rock . . . and ask, “Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?”

—CARL SANDBURG

In his book Excuses Begone, Wayne Dyer suggests that we should always question our excuses by asking ourselves these two simple yet powerful questions:

“Is it true?”

“Can I be 100 percent sure it is true?”

Grab a pen and a piece of paper and write down all the reasons why you think you are not living the life you deep down inside want to live.

Here are a few examples of excuses:

What if things don’t go as planned?

What will people think of me?

I can’t afford it.

I don’t have the time.

I am too busy. Too old. Too tired.

It can never happen to me.

It never happened before.

My family won’t support me.

I can’t do it because of my past.

I’m not ready.

I don’t have what it takes.

Be open, transparent and fully honest with yourself. Confront, list and question all your excuses. And once you’re done, look over your list and ask yourself:

“Is it true?”

“Can I be 100 percent sure it is true?”

Are you sure that the things you think about yourself, the things you think you can’t do, be or have are true? Can you be 100 percent sure that they are true?

3. Replace Your Excuses with Positive Affirmations

You will be a failure, until you impress the subconscious with the conviction you are a success. This is done by making an affirmation which “clicks.”

—FLORENCE SCOVEL SHINN

Don’t make excuses for why you can’t get something done. Focus on all the reasons why you must make it happen, and in the end you will find a way. If you know the why you can handle any how.

If you know the why you can handle any how.

Start by taking a good look at your list of reasons why something can’t be done. See how you can replace those excuses with positive and empowering affirmations, affirmations that will inspire you to give up all your excuses and start focusing on many of the reasons why it can be done.

Here are some examples:

I don’t have the time I have all the time in the world to do all the things I want to do and more.

I am afraid Fear is just an illusion. Love is the only thing that’s real. If I focus on love, I will be safe.

My family won’t support me My family wants me to be happy, and I know they will support me in my search for happiness.

I am too old Age is just a number. An issue of mind over matter, as Mark Twain said, and if I don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Make the unconscious conscious. See your excuses for what they are—excuses. Take control over your own thoughts and over your own mind.

Replace your many excuses with positive affirmations and then choose to act upon these positive affirmations. Act upon your heart’s desire. Do the things you need to do in order to get where you want to get. Read the books you need to read, contact the people you need to contact, build the skills you need to build. Find the right people. Ask the right questions. Do whatever it takes to move yourself closer to living the life you deserve to live. And trust that with every step you take, your excuses will disappear, your life situation will improve, and you will move closer and closer to the life you want to live.

4. Take the First Step in Faith

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

—MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

Take at least one step each day to move yourself further and further away from your excuses and closer to creating and living a meaningful and happy life.

If there is something you want to do, be or have, and if you feel it in your heart that you and those around you will benefit from your being, doing or having this thing, act on it. Work on making this thing become reality.

Don’t spend too much time thinking about how it will happen and about the many reasons why it can’t happen to you. Instead, focus mainly on the end result. Don’t worry about the HOW. Learn to delegate authority to life itself. Focus on WHAT you want and WHY you want what you want. And know that if your intentions are aligned with who you truly are, and if having your dreams come true will benefit you and those around you, life will lead you in the right direction, taking good care of you and providing you the right tools, the right people and the necessary experiences that will help you reach your destination. So find the courage to take risks, to get out of your comfort zone and to do the things your heart is asking you to do.

Take the first step, and your mind will mobilize all its forces to your aid. But the first essential is that you begin. Once the battle is started, all that is within and without you will come to your assistance.

—ROBERT COLLIER

Follow your inner guidance; trust your intuition. Seek to believe only those thoughts that come from a place of love, power and encouragement. Seek to only act on those thoughts that come from your loving soul and authentic self.

Align your mind with your heart and your body with your soul. Align yourself with who you truly are, and know that by doing so, you will immediately become conscious of the abundant life within you, and all of a sudden all kinds of wonderful things will start happening to you because of you. The right people will start to show up in your life, the right books will “fall” into your hands, the perfect circumstances will be offered to you . . . and before you know it, many of the things you once thought were impossible for you to be, do and have will manifest themselves into your life.

So take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. And in time you will realize that your faith will guide you in the right direction, and as a result of that, life will start showering you with all kinds of wonderful and magical gifts. Gifts that will make your life and the life of those you love so much brighter and happier.