Chapter 5

GIVE UP YOUR RESISTANCE TO CHANGE

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.

—MAYA ANGELOU

MY STORY

I wasn’t really interested in boys while growing up. Having had a father who showed no love and affection toward me, and having been abused all throughout my childhood years, I developed this belief that all men were cruel and heartless and that I needed to stay as far away from them as possible. And so I made sure not to get close to any boy and not to let any boy come near me. I was strongly resistant to change in this regard, and afraid of being loved or falling in love, thinking that love equaled pain and that if I made the mistake of falling in love with anyone, I would eventually end up just like my mother. And I didn’t want that.

But love is a lot stronger than fear. Love is who we all are and love is what we all seek, and even though I tried very hard to stay away from it, in the fall of 2003, the same year I finished high school and the same year I decided to drop out of university, love was going to smoothly “force” itself on me. Making me realize that there wasn’t a more beautiful and precious feeling than that of loving and being loved.

• • •

It was a chilly evening when Stefan and I first met. I remember seeing him waiting for me in front of this building very close to my place and thinking to myself:

Oh boy. This guy is so not my type.

Why in the world did I agree to this date?

Change seemed on the horizon, and I tried to resist.

But like many times before, I assumed incorrectly.

Even though at first sight he didn’t really look like someone I would be interested in, once our date was over and once I got home, I realized that I actually liked him.

I don’t know if it was his sense of humor, his beautiful mind, his way of thinking and looking at things or his innocent smile and beautiful big green eyes, but what I do know is that I felt that there was something special about him, something different.

He was very charming, affectionate, kind and compassionate—qualities that I wasn’t really accustomed to—and even though I didn’t expect it to happen, after three or four months of dating, I fell head over heels in love with him.

We spent almost three years in that beautiful emotional space. Getting drunk with love, making each other so happy and feeling as if the whole world was ours. Those were probably some of the most beautiful years of my life, the best days of my life. And even though I desperately hoped that things would never change between us and that we were going to stay in love forever, life had different things in store for us.

In the winter of 2005, Stefan decided to go work in the U.S. for six months, leaving me behind and making me feel as if I had lost a very precious part of me. The moment he gave me the news I felt devastated.

We spoke quite often while he was gone, and thankfully, in the summer of 2006 he came home. Not to stay, but to take me with him back to the U.S. to live there together.

• • •

For a very long time I perceived change as something painful and traumatic. Having been exposed to so many shocking and upsetting experiences all throughout my childhood years and having felt so much pain and so much suffering whenever things did change in my life, our home and our family, I began to associate change with pain and suffering. Not wanting to suffer again, and not wanting to be exposed to more pain and trauma, I tried very hard to resist going to the U.S. with my boyfriend.

I felt paralyzed by fear. In those moments fear became a lot bigger and a lot more powerful than the love I had in my heart for him.

“I can’t go,” I kept telling myself daily. And:

“I have to stay.”

“This is where I belong.”

“My home is here.”

“If I stay here, I will be safe.”

Believing that if things remained the same, and if I continued to live my life in the same environment and in the same way, I was going to be safe and protected from life’s many challenges, I resisted signing the contract for the job that awaited me, hoping that by doing so I was going to be forever safe.

LESSONS IN LETTING GO

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.

—LEO F. BUSCAGLIA

It took my boyfriend almost two months to convince me that there was nothing to fear and that change was going to bring us both many great things. And even though I eventually signed the job contract and went to the U.S. with him, I had to face many more struggles and even more resistance before I finally realized the futility of resisting and rejecting change.

We are creatures of habit. Most of us live our lives on autopilot, allowing our old programming, our past fears, excuses and limitations, to run, craft and shape our lives. And because we desperately try to keep things from changing and because we desperately try to keep life from taking its natural course, we inflict a lot of unnecessary pain on ourselves and on those we love.

• • •

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.

—MICHELANGELO

I hear from people from all walks of life who are holding on to something they’ve outgrown—a job, a partner, a relationship with a parent, a memory. They are in pain, but not for the reason they often think. While the pain can feel like it’s coming from the longing for that lost person or emotion, what we’re usually experiencing is the agony of holding on to an impossibility. We are working too hard—and causing ourselves to be miserable. The relief we so dearly need will come not from clinging more tightly, but from letting go.

Life is meant to be fully experienced, with good and bad, with both ups and downs, and the more you try to keep life from happening by resisting and fighting change, the more you will continue to suffer and the unhappier your life will get.

Change is a natural process. You can’t run away from it, just as you can’t run away from life. And if you try, you’ll miss out on life and you’ll miss out on the great opportunity to know yourself, to be yourself and to love yourself.

THE PATH TO “GIVING UP”

1. Be Honest with Yourself

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

—ANATOLE FRANCE

Don’t let your biggest fears get in the way of your biggest dreams. Learn to be honest with yourself. Seek to understand what your feelings regarding change are and why you feel the need to run away from change instead of embracing it.

Ask yourself questions like:

What are my thoughts about change?

What is it about change that I find so distasteful and so unappealing?

What do I think will happen if I let go of my resistance to change?

Am I afraid that if I do change I risk losing my sense of identity and that maybe I won’t like the person I become?

Am I afraid that if I step into the unknown and if I start doing things differently I might fail and I won’t be able to live with all that guilt and shame?

Do I fear getting hurt and being laughed at?

Am I afraid that if I give up my resistance and invite change into my life I might have to leave behind things, places and people I love?

What am I so afraid of?

Discover what the reasons are behind your resistance and it will become a lot easier to begin to see change not as your enemy but as your friend.

2. Change Is Inevitable—Resisting Change Is a Losing Game

Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.

—SHUNRYU SUZUKI

Whenever life wants you to move in a different direction, whenever you are “asked” to leave your comfort zone and step into the unknown, contrary to what your fears will try to make you believe, you are not being punished. On the contrary, you are given the opportunity to know yourself and to be yourself. You are being given the chance to step back on your life path and align with who you truly are. But if you continue to ignore life’s many callings and if you continue to resist change, there will be no remembering. There will be no positive and inspiring transformation taking place within you. There will be no positive change taking place, and your present and future life will continue to be a poor copy of your past.

There’s a natural flow to life, and change is meant to help you go with that flow. Get out of your comfort zone and dare to step into the unknown. Dare to do the things that you are afraid of doing.

Don’t ignore this opportunity. Don’t ignore the chance to remember who you truly are, to bring purpose and meaning back into your life and to live the life you are meant to live. Allow change to take you back home, back where you belong.

Make peace with this idea that everything in life changes. And instead of feeling bitter and resentful toward life and toward change, choose to feel grateful and appreciative toward every experience life sends your way.

3. Assume the Best

Because your own strength is unequal to the task, do not assume that it is beyond the powers of man; but if anything is within the powers and province of man, believe that it is within your own compass also.

—MARCUS AURELIUS

Instead of creating negative and fearful scenarios about how your whole life will fall apart once you let go of your resistance, and instead of imagining how you will make a fool of yourself once you get out of your comfort zone and step into the unknown, assume the best instead. Expect all kinds of wonderful things to always happen to you. Choose to create positive and empowering scenarios in your mind and play these movies in your head as often as possible.

With every day, work on cleansing your mind of the old and toxic programming and making your mind understand that change equals growth and that growth equals excitement and happiness.

Bring awareness into your everyday life. Shift your focus from the things that frighten you to the things that excite you. Assume the best and expect only great things to happen.

Make your mind understand that pain doesn’t come from change but rather from stagnating, from resisting change and from resisting life, from refusing to do the things that your truthful self wants you to do and from acting on daily habits and continuing to live your life on autopilot.

4. Life Is a Process of Becoming

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

—ANAÏS NIN

We go through life to find ourselves, to become ourselves. Through every little thing we do, through every word we say and through every action we take, we are meant to discover more and more about our true selves, about our inner journey, our life path, and about the purpose and meaning of our own lives. And by embracing change and allowing ourselves to move from one state to another, from one place to another, we give ourselves permission to be who we really are. We give ourselves permission to explore, to discover and to constantly create wonderful new experiences for ourselves.

This is what life is really all about.

We are not trees. We are not meant to stay in one place forever. We are meant to move, to stretch, to grow and to constantly go on adventures into the unknown. And we can do this by putting our fears behind us, and by trusting that no matter how far we go, life will always take good care of us—because it will.

We are all here for a reason. Each and every one of us has a purpose to fulfill. We all have a unique and precious contribution to make to this world. And the more we let go of our resistance, of our fears, excuses and limitations, by leaving what’s familiar behind and stepping into the unknown, the more we will be able to realize this truth and the easier it will be for us to contribute and to do the beautiful work that we came here to do.

5. You Will Fall Down, but It’s Okay

What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning—and some of them many times over—what do you find? That you can swim? Well—life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!

—ALFRED ADLER

As you walk through life, you will fall down many times. You will fail and you will make mistakes, but that’s okay.

Don’t be afraid to make “mistakes.” Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t be afraid to fall and don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Have fun in all that you do. Make the best of every experience and every interaction life sends your way and choose to do all things from a place of love.

Always remember that life is a process of becoming and that through every painful and humiliating experience, and through every hurtful and heartbreaking interaction, you discover more about yourself and about who you truly are.

Make peace with the idea of failure and make peace with the idea of mistake. Waste no time on fear and choose to do all things from a place of love. For love is who you are and love is what you are made for. Always remember, as George Bernard Shaw famously said, that “a life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”