Chapter 6
GIVE UP BLAMING
We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers—but never blame yourself. It’s never your fault. But it’s always your fault, because if you wanted to change you’re the one who has got to change.
—KATHARINE HEPBURN
MY STORY
I moved to the U.S. in January 2007, to work in the food and beverage department at a four-star international hotel in Orlando, Florida, and build a new and better life with Stefan. Away from home and away from the life I was so accustomed to.
Stefan was so happy and excited. He was so eager to show me all the places he had been during his first trip. He wanted me to be happy, to feel comfortable and to realize that I had made a good decision by moving to the U.S. However, even though I really wanted to appreciate and enjoy the new life I was living, for some reason I just couldn’t do it.
Taken out of my “nest” and away from my comfort zone, I started thinking more and more about how much I wanted to go back home and about how wrong I had been to listen to Stefan.
Because I was not able to adapt to the new environment and the new life I was living, it didn’t take long until in my mind’s eye I started seeing the life I had at home as being so beautiful, so magical and so perfect. I idealized it, and increasingly saw the life I was living in the U.S. as very unhappy.
I seemed to be feeling worse and worse with every passing day. I wanted to go back to my old life.
• • •
For weeks, Stefan and I treated each other with respect and kindness, but all of that eventually changed.
“Stefan, why did you force me to come here?” I bitterly told him one day, masking what I felt with a question.
“Can’t you see how miserable I am in this place? Can’t you see how unhappy I am?”
“I should’ve never listened to you. I should’ve just stayed back home in Romania.”
“I made a huge mistake coming here and it’s all your fault.”
“I just want to go back!”
I never shouted at him, but as I felt the increasing pressure of the changes, I struggled. Without having the necessary skills to cope and adapt to our new environment, and without even realizing it, I started replicating my father’s behavior, doing what my father knew best how to do: inflicting pain on those around him and blaming them for his own inner suffering. I started projecting my anger, frustration and inner turmoil onto Stefan, blaming him for how lost and unhappy I was feeling.
I just couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t make myself stop. I was no longer in charge of my thoughts, actions and behavior. My past programming was.
• • •
After a while, Stefan no longer wanted to spend much time together. He no longer enjoyed being around me. Acting cold and distant, he spent more time in front of the computer than with me.
As for me, feeling disconnected and neglected, I spent more and more time at work, immersing myself in job responsibilities, to forget about the pain I was feeling.
My manager, Danny, a man in his late twenties, and my supervisor, Lecsy, a woman in her thirties, were two positive and inspiring people. They were leaders who treated everyone with lots of love and respect.
They both saw in me things I did not know I had, making me feel as if I was a very valuable and worthy human being, capable of achieving great things.
It was the first time I had the privilege to call anyone my mentor.
Danny and Lecsy were the people who planted a seed in my mind that would later on help me discover more about myself and what I was really made of.
LESSONS IN LETTING GO
The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.
—ALBERT ELLIS
For a long time, I believed that life was something that happened to me and that I had no say in it whatsoever. As a result, I started blaming outside circumstances for why my life was the way it was, thinking that I was never responsible for anything that was happening to me, that I was at the mercy of external circumstances.
I blamed my father for depriving me of love and nourishment; my mother for all the violence I had to go through while my father was alive, as well as for all the pain I had to endure after his death; my boyfriend for not making me feel as happy and as loved as I wanted to feel, and the world around me for being so cruel and unkind toward me.
I blamed everything and everyone, and as long as I continued to do so, I continued to feel like a powerless victim, and perpetuated my own suffering.
• • •
There is no peace in pointing the finger and making others responsible for how you feel and for what your life looks like. There is no peace in giving your power away to forces outside of yourself and making them responsible for the quality of your life. There is no peace in putting your life in other people’s hands and expecting them to live it for you.
Even though our parents, our teachers, our friends, our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our life partners and the whole world might have steered us in the wrong direction through their ignorance and poor behavior, and even though at one point they might have deprived us of the respect, love and affection we deserved, it’s our responsibility to take charge of our lives and steer ourselves in the direction we think we deserve to go. It’s our responsibility to make ourselves feel worthy and loved, to remove ourselves from toxic relationships, places and experiences. And it’s our responsibility to live our lives well, the way we desire.
There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.
—J.K. ROWLING
Blaming is a waste of time and energy. It does no good. Not to you and not to those you are blaming. And the less time you spend blaming, criticizing and complaining, the more time you will have left to heal yourself, your wounds and your life.
If you continue to blame outside circumstances for the way you feel and if you continue to put your life in the hands of other people, you will continue to be at the mercy of other people and you will continue to be a victim of your circumstances.
Raina, a woman in her mid-thirties who has been reading my blog for more than a year, understands this very well.
Having lived with a very controlling and manipulative father, someone who was constantly telling her how to live her life, Raina grew up thinking that love equaled control, and that the men in her life always knew better how she should live. That’s how she ended up in a relationship with a man who not only manipulated and controlled her, but was also living a double life. After being in a relationship with him for more than eight years, planning their future and talking about raising a family together, the moment Raina realized that their entire relationship was built on a lie, her love for him turned into hate. Her passion and dedication turned into blame, anger and resentment.
Not knowing how to deal with all that pain, for a year or so she nearly destroyed her health, her career and her entire life because of all the toxic thoughts and emotions that were piling up inside of her. But when she finally realized that all that blame, anger, hate and resentment was hurting her more than it was hurting him, she decided to stop. Instead of continuing to blame him for everything that happened, she decided to take back her power by assuming responsibility for the part she played in their failed relationship. She worked on giving up blame by forgiving not only him, but also herself, for allowing things to happen the way they did. Today, after being separated from him for nearly two years, Raina is living on her own terms, free from resentment and free from pain. She’s happier than she’s ever been.
Your life is yours to live. Your path is yours to walk on. But if you continue to cling to blame, you will continue to feel powerless.
By letting go of blame and by taking responsibility for everything that you feel and everything that you are, you will spend your life building beautiful things and crafting a happier future.
THE PATH TO “GIVING UP”
1. Take Inventory of Your Blame
Only by much searching and mining are gold and diamonds obtained, and man can find every truth connected with his being if he will dig deep into the mine of his soul.
—JAMES ALLEN
Take the time to look within, to reflect and to acknowledge that there is guilt, regret and blame present in your life. Take the time to acknowledge that you are holding on to something that is causing you to experience pain, anxiety and a lot of unhappiness.
Take inventory of whom you blame, why and for what.
Are you blaming your parents for not being there for you when you really needed them, for not encouraging you to become the person you once wanted to become and for imposing their beliefs and limitations on you?
Are you blaming yourself for not having the courage to do many of the things you wanted to do but didn’t?
Are you blaming the world around you for not being more supportive and more loving toward you?
Are you blaming your partner for treating you poorly and for not loving you as much as you would want him or her to love you? For not making you feel happier?
Are you blaming the economy, the media, the society you live in or maybe the head of your own country for why your life looks the way it does?
Forgive them all. Be willing to make peace with your past and move on with your life.
Don’t burden yourself with unnecessary thoughts, regrets and memories. Let go of blame and make room in your heart for peace and love to enter.
2. Play the “What If” Game
Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.
—ERICA JONG
What if you could go back in time and see it all happening the way you think it should’ve have happened?
What if you used the power of your imagination to see how your life would’ve looked if you had done all the things you are now blaming yourself and others for your not doing?
What if you took the time to contemplate, to meditate and to imagine yourself being, doing and having all those things you now blame yourself and others for depriving you of?
What if you decided to see it all happening in your mind’s eye and to discover whether that was really the life you were supposed to be living?
If you are willing to give this a try, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and imagine yourself doing all the things you once wanted to do but couldn’t.
Feel the feelings that come from having, doing and being all that you once wanted to be, do and have. See yourself surrounded by the people you would’ve surrounded yourself with and see your whole life unfolding in a completely different way.
Allow yourself to see it, to feel it all and to observe it all. Give yourself permission to discover whether that was really the life you were supposed to be living. And when you feel ready, ask yourself:
“Am I happy with what I have created?”
“Would I really enjoy living this kind of life?”
“Is this really me? Is this really my life?”
“Do I want to live this kind of life?”
“Am I ready to do all that it takes to live this kind of life?”
Take the time to really think about these questions. And know that if the life you saw yourself living is the life you wish to be living, you can always start taking the necessary steps to move yourself in that direction. But if the life you saw yourself living is not aligned with who you are at the moment and with how you see yourself living your life, all the more reason to give up blaming and focus on where you truly want to go now.
3. Take Back Your Personal Power
In life, you can blame a lot of people and you can wallow in self-pity, or you can pick yourself up and say, “Listen, I have to be responsible for myself.”
—HOWARD SCHULTZ
The more you blame outside circumstances for what happened to you in the past and for what is happening to you in the present, the more unhappy you will feel and the harder it will be for you to change your current circumstances and improve the quality of your life.
When you blame outside circumstances for whatever you are feeling or aren’t feeling, for whatever you have or don’t have, you automatically become a victim of your circumstances and of all those people you are blaming. You give them power over you, making them seem like giants in comparison to you.
The past is long gone and it can’t be undone, the future is out of our reach, and all that we have left is this moment. So why not use this moment to create the life you want to live instead of blaming outside circumstances for how unhappy you are? Why not use this moment to start crafting a better life for yourself?
You are not a victim.
You are not a victim. You never were and you never will be. But when you cling to blame, you can’t help but perceive yourself as one.
You are a powerful being. You have within you all the strength, knowledge, confidence and wisdom necessary to leave behind all that is toxic in your life and craft a better, happier and more balanced existence for yourself. So give up on blame and choose to make peace with everything that happened to you up until this moment.
Give up on blame and start focusing on creating the happy, loving and harmonious life you truly deserve.
4. Release Your Burdens; Forgive Yourself
Take a walk through the garden of forgiveness and pick a flower of forgiveness for everything you have ever done. When you get to that time that is now, make a full and total forgiveness of your entire life and smile at the bouquet in your hands because it truly is beautiful.
—STEPHEN RICHARDS
Place your hands over your heart, take a few deep cleansing breaths and repeat these words to yourself:
In this moment, I give myself permission to release and let go of all the pain that I have been carrying with me for all this time.
In this moment, I choose to be free from blame, free from pain and free from resentment.
In this moment, I choose to open my heart fully and let love flow in and out of my life.
In this moment, I love myself, I accept myself.
In this moment, I choose to release and let go of all the pain from my heart, my mind, my body and my soul.
In this moment I choose to forgive. I choose to let go. I choose to be free.
Self-forgiveness is such a powerful thing, for it can heal your heart, making room for love to reenter your world, allowing you to reconnect with your inner being in a very deep and meaningful way and to feel the love, the peace and the bliss that is always present deep within you. Self-forgiveness helps you return to a place of peace and tranquility and it helps you look at yourself, your life and the world around you through the eyes of love.
When you forgive, you love, and when you love, you become ONE with your heart and soul. ONE with your own divinity and ONE with the world around you.
The more you forgive yourself for the mistakes of the past, for the pain you have inflicted on yourself and others, knowingly and unknowingly, by clinging to blame and by holding on to all kinds of toxic thoughts, behaviors and attitudes, the easier it will be for you to free yourself from the victim position you have placed yourself in for so long.