Chapter 7

GIVE UP COMPLAINING

People who never achieve happiness are the ones who complain whenever they’re awake, and whenever they’re asleep, they are thinking about what to complain about tomorrow.

—ADAM ZIMBLER

MY STORY

If before I moved to the U.S. Stefan was the center of my universe and the love of my life, once we moved, all of that started to change.

Not knowing how to deal with life’s many challenges, I started to rely more and more on him. And before I knew it I was 100 percent dependent on him. I took my hands off the steering wheel and expected him to lead the way, to meet all my needs and desires and to make my life feel complete.

I didn’t know how relationships were meant to be strengthened and how love and support were meant to be expressed. And because of that I did what I best knew how to do. I did what I had seen my father doing to us. I pointed the finger and made Stefan responsible for all the bad things that I was experiencing and all the inner pain that I was feeling.

“Why did you bring me here?”

“This hot, sticky and humid weather is driving me crazy. I feel like I’m suffocating.”

“When I’m outside I’m too hot, when I’m inside I’m too cold . . .”

“I have no air! I can’t live like this.”

“And the food . . . This food here is horrible. It has no taste.”

“How can I live like this? How can I be happy when nothing seems to be going right?”

“Why are things so different?”

“What is wrong with this place? And what is wrong with you?”

“You used to care about my feelings, but now you don’t. You don’t even want to spend time with me anymore. I spend more time with these people from work than I do with you. They seem to care about me more than you do.”

And that’s how I would spend most of my days: arguing, crying, screaming and yelling at Stefan, calling him names and doing my best to hurt him as much as I myself was hurting. I thought that it was his job to make me feel happy and loved, not mine.

• • •

At work, it was a different story. I felt quite fortunate to be paid good money for something that I enjoyed doing.

But the fun wasn’t going to last long. Because after only six months in Orlando, Florida, after six months of working at the hotel, we were about to find out that we could no longer extend our contracts. We had to move to Chicago, Illinois, and work there.

“I don’t want to go,” I kept telling my boyfriend. “I want us to stay here. Please, find a way for us to stay here.”

Once again it felt like I was being forced to leave it all behind, to get out of my comfort zone and step into the unknown.

LESSONS IN LETTING GO

Complaining not only ruins everybody else’s day, it ruins the complainer’s day, too. The more we complain, the more unhappy we get.

—DENNIS PRAGER

Complaining, just like blaming and criticizing, sucks us dry. It keeps us in dark places, and it continues to feed this false idea that our lives will never get better until outside circumstances start to change. But the truth is that it’s not the outside world that determines how we feel on the inside, but rather how we feel on the inside that determines how we perceive the outside world.

If you’re happy and at peace with yourself, and if you know the reason for your existence and the purpose of your life, you have no interest in blaming, criticizing or complaining. Why? Because you’re too busy loving, living and enjoying your life.

It’s those who feel lost, who have no sense of direction and who can no longer remember what their path in life is who go around projecting their unhappiness into the world. It’s those who have disconnected from their own inner peace and who can no longer feel the abundance of love that flows from their hearts who can’t seem to find a way to be at peace with the world around them.

Jason, whom I have connected with through my blog, shared with me his personal experience about giving up complaining and negativity.

Ever since he was a young adult, Jason always seemed to have a reason to complain about everything that was going on in his life. He complained about his health, his family, his relationships, about the economy, about the weather, about his boss, his neighbors, and so on. No matter how much his friends, family and colleagues would try to encourage him, empower him and cheer him up, wanting him to look on the bright side of things, nothing really worked. It was only after his friends and family started avoiding him, no longer wanting to be in the presence of his negativity, that he decided to give up complaining and start looking for reasons to love and appreciate life. It wasn’t an easy lesson to learn, but it was worth it.

Life treats us the way we deep down inside expect to be treated, constantly giving us the things we feel worthy of receiving. And if we don’t like what we see, how we are being treated, if we are not happy with the things we are receiving, we shouldn’t complain. Instead, we should just change the way we perceive things.

We should just adjust our attitudes and behaviors toward every experience and every interaction life sends our way. Because only by doing so will we find the strength, the wisdom and the patience to live our lives like alchemists, transforming all our difficulties into opportunities, our wounds into wisdom and our own darkness into light.

THE PATH TO “GIVING UP”

1. Understand Why People Complain

If you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out . . . Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.

—RANDY PAUSCH

According to Will Bowen, the author of A Complaint Free World, there are five reasons people complain:

First, because of the need for attention. People want to be noticed and they use complaining as a way to “bond” with others.

Second, because complaining removes the responsibility from our shoulders. Pointing the finger seems easier than assuming responsibility and actually doing something about the things that bother us.

Third, because of pride and competitiveness. We tend to think that pointing out the things that are wrong with others will show the world how much better we are. We complain about those who are “less” capable than we are.

Fourth, to exercise power. As Bowen observed, “People often complain to incite others to abandon an alliance and switch to their point of view, and/or build support and power by focusing on what’s wrong with another’s position.” We manipulate our words to manipulate others.

Fifth, to excuse poor performance. When something doesn’t go as planned, we start to complain, placing the blame on someone else but never on ourselves.

It’s very important to understand the reasons behind our constant need to complain. Because once we do, we can begin to let go and take the necessary steps toward achieving inner peace and happiness.

2. Recognize the Price You Pay for Complaining

People won’t have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.

—STEPHEN HAWKING

When you have little or no control over your thoughts, when you believe all the fearful, toxic and negative thoughts that run through your mind, you can’t help but point the finger. You can’t help but complain about everything and everyone.

Complaining is a dreadful addiction that creates a false sense of separation between you and the world around you. It keeps you from connecting with yourself and the world at a deeper level. It keeps you stuck in a place where outside circumstances seem to always control you and sabotage your happiness, health and well-being.

The more you complain, the further and further away you move from those around you but also from your true essence, from that part of you that is always loving and always connected to everything and everyone.

You are an example for those you love. You are a role model for your children. You are an example for your family members, your friends, the people you work with and for every person you come in contact with. Through your words and actions you can either inspire and draw people to you or discourage and push people away. And if the time you spend with them is wasted on blaming, complaining and criticizing the world around you, chances are that they won’t learn much from you. Chances are that they will not enjoy being in your company, and as time goes by they will want to spend less and less time in your presence.

Every word you speak and every action you take impacts you and those around you in a positive or not so positive way. Through your words, actions and behaviors you either create a happy world for you to live in or an unhappy world. That’s how powerful you are.

3. Change Your Attitude, Transform Your Life

There were people who went to sleep last night, poor and rich and white and black, but they will never wake again. And those dead folks would give anything at all for just five minutes of this weather or ten minutes of plowing. So you watch yourself about complaining. What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.

—MAYA ANGELOU

In his book Man’s Search for Meaning the Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Holocaust, talks about the importance of having a positive attitude and outlook on life even in the midst of great pain and sorrow: “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.”

You have the power to choose a positive attitude in any given circumstance and not to be enslaved by all the pain, suffering and unhappiness that surrounds you. Everything can be taken from you but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose your attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose your own way.

It’s true that there is a lot of pain, fear, injustice and ugliness in the world, but it’s also true that there is plenty of love, beauty, wealth and kindness, people who act in compassionate and loving ways toward others, people who have learned to use every experience life sends their way, whether good or bad, and turn it into a positive, inspiring and empowering opportunity.

If there is something in your life that you don’t like, do something about it. Take the necessary steps to change your current circumstances. And if you can’t change them, change your attitude.

Change the way you look at whatever happens to you and around you. Look for the lessons, look for the meaning. Use every experience to propel yourself farther in life and not to get stuck and become even more unhappy.

Embrace a loving attitude. Accept things as they are. Don’t allow your problems to become bigger than you. Don’t allow your complaints to keep you from looking for solutions. Don’t allow your mind to keep you stuck.

4. Ask Yourself, “What Do I Love?”

For the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth—that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

—VIKTOR E. FRANKL

Take the time to ask yourself:

“What do I love?”

“What do I want?”

“What are the things that make me happy?”

“What do I appreciate about myself, my life, the people and the world around me?”

“Do I want to find the solutions to my problems or do I only want to complain?”

“What do I love?”

What do you love? What do you really, really love?

What do you love?

If you spend too much time focusing on the problems, looking for reasons to get offended, you will lose yourself in the process and you will forget about the things that truly matter. You will forget about the things that have the power to resurrect your soul and bring love back into your life.

Your life won’t get better by itself. Your life will get better when you yourself get better. By giving up complaining, by focusing on that which you love and want to have in your life, and by taking the necessary steps to move yourself in a better direction, you will create a more beautiful and happier life for yourself and those you love. And there will be much less for you to complain about.