Chapter 8

GIVE UP THE LUXURY OF CRITICISM

When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.

—UNKNOWN

MY STORY

I cried for days, not wanting to leave behind the new life I had created in Orlando, and not wanting to abandon my friends. But eventually, after eight months of living in Florida, we packed our stuff, said goodbye to our friends and drove all the way to Chicago in my boyfriend’s car.

Not long after we arrived in Chicago, once again I began to feel the same discomfort, anger, pain and resentment I’d felt the moment I first arrived in the U.S. But this time, the feelings became more intense, violent and aggressive, and worst of all, much more mutual between Stefan and me.

Now, instead of trying to keep it to himself, my boyfriend began yelling back:

“I’m so sick and tired of your whining, just shut the hell up and let me breathe!”

“Leave me the hell alone!”

And I would immediately start to cry.

I wanted him to acknowledge me and my suffering. But he couldn’t do it anymore. He had his own inner pain to deal with.

• • •

Growing up in an abusive environment led me to assume subconsciously that love equaled drama and that drama equaled love. You see, in the three years that Stefan and I spent in the U.S., I did my best to ”love” him in the same way I saw my father “love” my mom: by making his life feel like a living nightmare and making him regret the day he fell in love with me.

Our whole experience in the U.S. was supposed to bring us closer together, to unite and help us connect in a deeper and more meaningful way, to make our relationship stronger and our love flourish. But none of these things happened.

Sadly, in the two years and a few months we lived in Chicago, we managed to completely damage the pure, innocent and loving relationship we’d once had, and to exhaust any remaining love we had for each other.

As time went by, Stefan and I went from soul mates to cell mates, trapped on the inside by our own fears, insecurities and attitudes of criticism, with the keys to freedom in our hands but with us unable to use them.

We became people who were living in the same house, under the same roof, not because they wanted it, not because they were in love, but because they thought they had no other choice, because they were “forced” by the circumstances they were in to continue to eat together, sleep together and pretend they were together.

After almost three years of living in the U.S., in the fall of 2009, after many ugly fights, a lot of pushing and pulling, screaming and yelling, we both agreed that it was best for us to go back to Romania, back to where it all started.

LESSONS IN LETTING GO

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

—DALE CARNEGIE

People grow together with love and appreciation, not blame, judgment and criticism. Relationships flourish when there’s respect, understanding and support between the people involved, and they perish when those things are missing. But I didn’t know that. I had no idea how relationships were meant to work and how life was meant to be lived.

It took me quite some time until I finally understood that relationships aren’t about making an unhappy person happy, nor are they about making an unloved person feel loved. Relationships are about sharing the love and happiness that is already present within you with each other, growing, improving and evolving together, both emotionally and spiritually.

For all the time we spent in the U.S., I was so blinded by my pain that I couldn’t see what I was doing. I couldn’t see that through my constant nagging and toxic behavior I was poisoning not only myself but Stefan as well.

I criticized him and I criticized the whole world for not loving me, for not treating me the way I hoped to be treated, not knowing that they weren’t the source of my unhappiness, I was.

The same thing happened to Daniel, another reader of the PurposeFairy blog. Ever since he was a little boy, Daniel had constantly been criticized by his parents. He grew up with the impression that criticizing himself and those around him was a normal thing to do. When he got married, he criticized his wife every day, always focusing on the things she did “wrong” and on the things she needed to change so that they could be happy. It wasn’t until his wife threatened to file for divorce, tired of his nagging and criticism, that he finally opened his eyes and understood that if he wanted to save his marriage, he needed to learn how to love and appreciate his wife, not to criticize everything he thought was “wrong” about her. That was the wake-up call he needed. Daniel and his wife managed to heal their relationship and are now instilling in their daughters the importance of mutual respect and care.

• • •

But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally.

—DON MIGUEL RUIZ

How we experience the world is largely a projection of who we ourselves are. Our relationships and our lives are nothing but a construct of our thoughts, ideas and beliefs.

If there’s inner turmoil, unease, pain and past wounds that are not yet healed, consciously or unconsciously we will project all those negative things outside ourselves, and we will attract into our lives the people, places and experiences that will continue to feed our inner shadows and darkness.

Our job is not to criticize what others are doing. Our job is to focus our energy on healing, accepting, loving and embracing all that we are. Because the moment we make peace with ourselves, we also make peace with all those things, people, places and experiences that once caused us to feel hurt, unloved and neglected.

It is only by letting go of the pain we harbor within us and only by filling our hearts with love and compassion that we can see the world as it really is. Only by loving ourselves can we love the world around us, and only by no longer criticizing ourselves will we stop criticizing others.

THE PATH TO “GIVING UP”

1. Recognize That We Are All One

A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

—ALBERT EINSTEIN

On the surface we might all look very different from one another, but at the core level we are all the same. At the core level we are all ONE, connected with one another in a very deep and powerful way. At the core level we are essentially the same, all members of one human race. There is no separation except the separation we create in our minds because of our attachment to fear.

This isn’t an idealistic sentiment. When President Bill Clinton announced the results of the Human Genome Project on June 26, 2000, he noted that upon examining the discovered elementary building blocks in the DNA sequences, scientists had concluded that we truly are in essence the same and members of one larger family. We truly are all ONE.

There is much more to life than what meets the eye. There’s more to each and every one of us than our fearful and judgmental minds want us to believe.

There is much more to life than what meets the eye.

Don’t be fooled by appearances. Seek to understand, accept and embrace the oneness of things. Don’t let your fearful mind strengthen this false idea in your head that who you are is better or worse than everyone else, that who you are is separate from everyone else.

2. Make Peace with Your Own Darkness

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

—MATTHEW 7:3–5

Look around you, at all those people, events and places that you find distasteful, different, ugly and unworthy, and see if you can recognize yourself in them. Every fault you find in others touches a denied weakness in yourself. If the things you see on the outside bother you, it’s only because they reflect back at you the things that are already within you.

Every fault you find in others touches a denied weakness in yourself.

The world is our mirror, reflecting back at us the things that are already within us—the things that are tormenting us, the things we haven’t yet found a way to make peace with and the things we are constantly rejecting and hiding from ourselves.

Bring awareness into your life. Give as much attention to your thoughts, feelings and reactions as you give to those things, people and experiences that cause you to hold on to judgment and criticism.

Pay close attention to your reactions, and whenever you catch yourself projecting your own darkness, your own pain and your own suffering onto those around you, with a smile on your face, silently repeat these words to yourself:

“I am better than this. I can do better than this.”

And choose to do better.

Give up the need to judge and criticize not only those around you but also yourself. Learn to look for the good in people and also in yourself. Accept and make peace with your own darkness so that you can accept, embrace and make peace with everyone else’s darkness.

Heal every part of you that’s in need of healing. Make peace with your imperfections, your fears, doubts and insecurities, and you will be at peace with the whole world.

3. Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect—and I don’t live to be—but before you start pointing fingers . . . make sure your hands are clean!

—BOB MARLEY

Deep down inside we are all the same. We all want to love and be loved, we all want to be happy and to share our own happiness with those we love. No sane person wakes up with the intention to hurt other people or to make their lives harder.

Everyone’s doing the best they know how to do. Everyone has their own story, their own reasons for doing the things they do. And even though at first sight it might look like some people are just horrible human beings, if you look deep within them, beyond their words, actions and behaviors, chances are that you will see more than that.

We are all shaped differently by our environment, by the people we spend most of our time with, by our friends and families, and also by the education we received while growing up. But even though on the surface it might look as if we’re all very different, if we can look beyond the surface and if we can put ourselves in the shoes of those we feel the need to criticize, we might discover that all those differences that we first perceived are nothing but illusions, and that deep down inside we are all the same.

Whether it’s your partner, your children, your boss, the head of your country or just a stranger you meet on the street, instead of impulsively reacting to what they’re saying and doing, put yourself in their position instead. Walk in their shoes for a little while, and imagine what it feels like to live the life they are living, to make the choices they are making. See if you can give up the luxury of criticism and embrace a compassionate attitude instead.

4. Embrace a Compassionate Attitude

People hurt others as a result of their own inner strife and pain. Avoid the reactive response of believing they are bad; they already think so and are acting that way. They aren’t bad; they are damaged and they deserve compassion. Note that compassion is an internal process, an understanding of the painful and troubled road trod by another. It is not trying to change or fix that person.

—WILL BOWEN

Nobody’s perfect. We all have flaws, we all have internal conflicts to deal with, and we all have many hidden wounds that we’re desperately trying to hide or heal. And even though at times, consciously or unconsciously, people might project their darkness, their pain and their suffering onto you and onto the world around them in toxic and unhealthy ways, it doesn’t mean that they are bad people. It only means that they still haven’t found a way to love themselves as much as they want the world to love them.

Give love to all and seek to criticize none.

Treat everyone according to the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Talk to and about others in the way you would have others talk to and about you. Treat the world around you in the same way you would like to be treated: with respect, love, kindness and compassion.

Speak kindly of everyone, including yourself. Seek to understand all things and all people. And if you don’t like what other people are saying or doing, refrain from rejecting, labeling and harshly criticizing them.

Don’t look for things to criticize, look for things to appreciate, both in yourself and in everyone you come in contact with. Trust that everyone is exactly where they’re supposed to be, doing the best they know how to do, learning and growing at their own pace. Give everyone permission to live the best they know how, and pray that they will do the same for you.