Chapter 10

GIVE UP YOUR SELF-DEFEATING SELF-TALK

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.

—RODERICK THORP

MY STORY

I had always been a bit of a loner, for better or worse. Often it was in those moments of solitude that I was extremely harsh toward myself, beating up myself with excessive self-defeating self-talk.

I remember when I was younger, in the years that followed my father’s death, my mom would often say to me:

“Dani, go outside. Go get some fresh air. You spend too much time alone in the house. It’s not normal. Go outside and play with the other kids.”

But I rarely did. I felt I was far behind most of the kids in my class when it came to grades and intelligence levels. I believed that I wasn’t as smart as they were. I felt that I needed to spend more time in the house studying and less time outside playing. And the same thing happened once I got back from the U.S.

After a few months of trying very hard to integrate myself back into the environment I had been in, I decided to do what my heart was asking me to do—isolate myself like I used to do when I was a little kid and focus on studying for university and reading as many books as possible.

It did me both good and bad.

After I was done reading the personal development book Danny, my friend and manager, gave me while I was in Orlando, I became very interested in reading and learning more about how to use the power of the mind to change old habits and create a happy life for yourself. So I started reading a lot of books in the field of psychology, psychoanalysis, personal development, spirituality, religion, anthropology and more. I felt like there was something I needed to discover and that all those books were going to help me do just that. That was the good news.

The bad news was that when I locked myself in the house for weeks, not wanting to talk to anyone and not wanting to see anyone, the self-defeating self-talk returned with intensity and nonstop tenacity. I felt like I needed to be alone with myself, away from everyone to face myself, know myself, heal myself and educate myself. I thought that if I could be alone, away from all those I believed were the cause of my pain, I was going to feel better. But I was wrong, because I couldn’t get away from my own internal self-defeating self-talk. I hated my own company.

“Do you realize how pathetic you look hiding here from the whole world?” a nagging and hateful voice inside my head kept saying.

“How long do you think you will be able to sit here alone in your miserable presence? No wonder you try to hide from the world around you. It’s because nobody likes you, right? What’s there to like? Just look at yourself! You’re nothing but a loser. You’re twenty-five years old and you haven’t done anything with your life.”

“Why do you think your father never loved you? And why do you think Stefan left you? Because you’re worthless and nobody will ever love you!”

“You think that just by reading some stupid books on how to be happy, how to cleanse your mind, heal your life and become a better person, you will actually be happier and live a better life?”

“You’re so naive!”

“Stop making a fool of yourself! Put those books aside and accept the fact that you are a poor little loser and that you will always remain a loser!”

Ouch.

I could feel my whole body being poisoned by all the toxic thoughts, by all the self-hate and anger. And no matter how hard I would try to stop myself from hurting myself, I just couldn’t do it.

And so, because I didn’t know what else to do, I started praying.

“God, please make this pain go away. Make it stop! I can’t handle any more pain. It’s too much for me. Too much . . . Please, God. Please help me! Make it all stop. Make it all end . . .”

Even though God never seemed to answer any of my prayers, and even though it felt as if whenever I was talking to God I was in fact talking to the walls, after that night, for some strange reason, I felt a strong urge to write, to start a blog and to write about all that I was going through, all that I was thinking and feeling.

I resisted that urge at first, thinking that I had no idea how to write, or what to write about, but because the urge to write kept “bothering” me, I eventually gave in. And that’s how my blog, PurposeFairy.com, was born. In short, writing became my therapy, an outlet for turning the energy of my self-defeating self-talk into a ritual for positive self-improvement and self-growth.

LESSONS IN LETTING GO

You and I are not what we eat; we are what we think.

—WALTER ANDERSON

Until not so long ago, I never really stopped to think about whether I had anything to do with how unloved I felt.

I never really stopped to think whether my internal dialogue, my toxic, negative and repetitive self-defeating mindset had anything to do with the quality of my emotions, or with how people were behaving toward me.

Thinking that it was always their fault, and thinking that I was nothing but their victim, I failed to realize that I too was responsible for how poorly life was treating me, and that I too was to blame for how unhappy and unloved I was feeling. It took me many years to see how wrong I was.

• • •

A toxic mind has the power to create a toxic life. It has the power to sabotage our happiness, our relationships and our lives, and it has the power to constantly re-create the same painful experiences, either in the same places with the same people, or with completely different people and in completely different places.

Having been raised in a toxic environment, I did my best to re-create those past experiences in my relationship with Stefan and in my relationships with others around me—and with life itself.

It wasn’t until life “forced” me to spend a lot of time alone with myself, away from all those external things, people and experiences I thought were making me feel unloved, unworthy and unhappy, that I was finally able to understand that the only reason all those people, things and experiences were present in my life, and the only reason they had so much power over me, was that I was allowing it.

When you yourself think that you’re unworthy of love, happiness and affection, and when you yourself use all kinds of negative, toxic and self-defeating words to describe yourself, you can’t help but expect those around you to do the same. And through your actions and behaviors, you will do what it takes to make them treat you as poorly as you believe you deserve to be treated.

Amir Ahmad Nasr, whom I mention in the acknowledgments at the end of this book, is a close friend and a fellow author. In January 2014, he suddenly had to leave his comfortable life in Southeast Asia behind because his book was banned there. He fled to Canada for political asylum. While he was there, we would Skype, and he would confide in me how bitter he felt. He was no longer the cheerful and defiant guy I knew in Malaysia, but someone who now engaged in lots of self-defeating talk.

Eventually, though, he realized that his behavior was not doing him any good. It only served to make him feel worse. Many months later, he admitted, “I wish I had been kinder to myself those early months. I couldn’t help but feel like friends I respected were progressing with their lives, and that I had lost, and that my efforts to create some change were for nothing. Little did I know that those individuals I was comparing myself to were going through their own personal hardships. If only more of us engaged in constructive self-critique instead. Truthfully, we should all be kinder to ourselves and to each other.”

It all starts with you. It starts with how you think about yourself, with how you talk to, and about, yourself, and with how you expect to be treated by those around you and by life itself. And once you give up your self-defeating self-talk, once you purify your own thoughts and your heart, the world around you miraculously gets purified as well.

THE PATH TO “GIVING UP”

1. As You Think So Shall You Be

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.

—PEACE PILGRIM

It is said that we have around sixty thousand thoughts per day and that most of these thoughts are negative. We think the same thoughts over and over again, telling ourselves the same sad and depressing stories day after day, failing to realize that in order to create different and better lives for ourselves and those we love, we need to start telling ourselves different and better stories.

Thoughts have great power—creative power. With every thought you craft and shape your life. The life you are now living is the result of all the thoughts you have thought up until this moment. Your present level of self-esteem, your confidence and your sense of self-worth were determined by all the thoughts you have ever thought and all the words you have ever said to yourself.

The quality of your present relationships, the way you look at the world, your beliefs and limitations, your fears and insecurities—they are all the result of the many thoughts you have kept affirming to yourself. You are what you think.

You are what you think.

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.

—PROVERBS 23:7

If the mind is pure and if the thoughts you think are healthy, positive and empowering, no matter how many horrible things happen to you, and no matter how poorly those around you treat you, you will always find a way to use those experiences to propel yourself higher in life and not get caught up in the drama and become their victim. But if your thoughts are negative, toxic and self-defeating, you will continue to be at the mercy of those painful experiences.

2. Put Your Mind Under the Microscope

As you think, you travel, and as you love, you attract. You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.

—JAMES ALLEN

Pay close attention to the thoughts you think and the words you speak. Notice the feelings and emotions your internal dialogue is causing you to feel. Know that if your thoughts are making you feel good, if love flows through you and if you feel centered, peaceful and connected with yourself and the world around you, it means that your thoughts come from a place of love, authenticity and integrity. However, if your thoughts are making you feel unloved, unworthy, anxious and afraid, and if you feel pain and discomfort in your body, your thoughts are most likely coming from a fearful place.

Constantly question your toxic, negative and repetitive self-defeating mindset.

Whenever negative thoughts pop in your mind, take a few deep cleansing breaths and ask yourself:

“If I am made of love and made to love, are any of these thoughts real?”

“If love is the only thing that’s real and fear is just an illusion, is there any truth in this negative and self-defeating self-talk?”

Take your mind off of autopilot.

Learn to recognize when your thoughts are aligned with your loving and authentic self and when they are not. Learn to differentiate between the thoughts that come from a place of fear and the thoughts that come from a place of love—between the thoughts that are meant to keep you in the dark and the thoughts that are meant to bring you back to light. And choose to trust only those thoughts that are meant to get you back on your life path and back to living your life from a place of love, integrity and authenticity.

3. Act Yourself into a New Way of Thinking

If you want a quality, act as if you already had it. Try the “as if” technique.

—WILLIAM JAMES

If you don’t yet have a role model, someone who inspires and empowers you to become a better person and live a happier and more harmonious life, see if you can find this person somewhere out there. It really doesn’t matter if you find this person in books, games, stories or real life experiences. It really doesn’t matter if they are alive or not, if you have ever met them or not. All that matters is for you to find this person and then see if you can model their behavior, thoughts and attitudes.

Whenever you catch yourself going down a rocky path, whenever you sense that your mind is starting to bully you, using negative and self-defeating words to describe you and your life, ask yourself:

“If I were X or Y [the name of a person you admire], how would I respond to this situation?”

“What would be the thought that would run through my mind?”

“What would be my attitude, my behaviors and my internal dialogue?”

Having a positive role model will help give you courage, confidence and a sense of direction. And it will make this process of mind cleansing and mind detox more exciting and a lot easier.

4. Spend Time Alone in Silence

God’s one and only voice is silence.

—HERMAN MELVILLE

Silence is a precious gift. In that space between our words is where we find ourselves. When the mind is quiet, when there are no thoughts and no words to be said, we can hear our own heart talking to us. We can hear our own soul and our own intuition communicating to us.

When we allow ourselves to be quiet, to breathe in and breathe out, without the need to force ourselves into saying another word or thinking another thought, that’s when we can hear our inner voice, our heart and intuition. That’s when we can experience our own divinity, our own beauty and perfection.

Take time from your busy schedule to be alone with yourself in silence, to quiet your mind and to free yourself of all those negative, fearful and toxic thoughts, to get in touch with that side of you that doesn’t need words in order to communicate.

Take time from your chaotic life to contemplate and to meditate; to familiarize yourself with your innermost thoughts and feelings; to know yourself, to accept yourself and to learn how to love yourself; to empty your mind of all thoughts and to be at peace.

Each night, before you go to bed, spend at least ten minutes meditating. Release and let go of all the thoughts you have about what happened during the day and all the thoughts you have about the things you need to do when you wake up. Release and let go of all thoughts of worry, stress and fear.

Let your mind rest, renew, refresh and rejuvenate itself. Let yourself feel the peace, stillness and tranquility that is always present deep within you.

When you wake up in the morning, repeat this process. But this time, meditate on the feelings you would like to feel within you all throughout the day. Envision how you would like your day to unfold, and feel the joy that comes from living each moment with awareness and a deep sense of love and gratitude.

The more you do this, and the more time you spend alone in silence, the more your mind will be cleansed and the easier it will be for you to think thoughts that come from a place of love.

5. Rebuild the Relationship You Have with Yourself

Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.

—LEO F. BUSCAGLIA

Let go of the need for perfection. Let go of all thoughts of self-judgment, self-blame and self-criticism and work on improving your internal dialogue. Work on improving the relationship you have with your loving soul and authentic self.

Look for things to appreciate about yourself, about your life and about those you love. Take time to be alone with yourself, to know yourself and to love yourself, to align your mind with your heart and to craft your life from a place of pure love and high integrity.

Give yourself permission to do nothing; to spend more time in solitude; to think less and to feel more; to love more and to fear less; to express yourself in creative ways, to spend less time criticizing and judging yourself and more time accepting, nourishing and loving who you are.

Surround yourself with beauty and authenticity. Immerse yourself in thoughts that make you feel good, in activities that make you feel alive. Spend your time with people who bring out the best in you, and give yourself permission to be happy.

Offer yourself the love and respect you truly deserve—not tomorrow; not in a year; not when you will lose those extra pounds; not when you will be happier; not when you will have a mate; not when you will have more money; not when you will have more friends; not when you will be more beautiful and not when all your problems will cease to exist; but now!

Ask yourself all kinds of questions about yourself and about your life. Get interested in who you are. Get interested in learning more about what your soul longs for and about what your heart truly desires. And whenever you catch yourself falling into the trap of using negative, toxic and self-defeating words to talk to yourself, take a few deep cleansing breaths and then ask yourself:

“If I had a friend who spoke to me this way, would I still be friends with this person?”

Talk to and about yourself in the same way you would talk to and about someone you love and adore. Treat yourself with the same respect, love and appreciation with which you would treat someone you love and adore. Be kind and loving toward yourself.

Always address yourself with words that are positive, empowering, uplifting and inspiring. Talk to yourself in the same way you would want a dear friend to talk to you. Seek to make the relationship you have with yourself the most beautiful, most loving and most important relationship in your life.

Give to yourself as much as you would want others to give to you. Think of this as the “reverse golden rule.” And know that when you do so the world around you will start replicating your behavior.