Chapter 11 GIVE UP CONTROL

The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.

—STEVE MARABOLI

MY STORY

In every instance of transformation, as you have been reading so far, the transformative insight was always one that led me to letting go, surrendering and giving up, in the best sense possible.

And perhaps out of all the self-sabotaging habits of thought and behavior, the one that’s far too common is our desire to control aspects of reality that are actually beyond our control. Things like events, people and, yes, even ex-boyfriends.

Even though I knew that Stefan and I were toxic for each other and would not go back to having the pure, healthy and loving relationship we’d had in the beginning, I couldn’t stand to be alone. You know what they say, misery loves company, and I desperately needed to share my misery with Stefan.

“We are like cat and mouse. We literally almost drove each other mad while we were in the U.S. Why would you want to go back to that?” Stefan would say to me whenever I tried to convince him that we should go back to being a couple. “Can’t you see we’re better off separated? Can’t you see how much better things are now that we’re just friends? It will all be okay eventually. Just be patient, okay?”

But I didn’t want to be patient. I didn’t know how to be patient. And all I kept thinking was that I had to get him back. I was obsessed with this idea of us getting back together, and despite his rejections, I just couldn’t accept the truth.

I kept calling him, I kept texting and checking up on him, acting as if he were my property. I wanted to make sure I had full control over him, over the situation and over everything he was doing. I honestly believed that if I could do so, he would never find somebody else and eventually he would find his way back to me.

But then in the spring of 2011, after I had spent more than one year desperately trying to control his every move, the one thing I feared the most happened.

Stefan got out of his car, started walking toward me where we had agreed to meet on that spring day, and as soon as I saw the look on his face, I immediately knew something was different.

The smile on his face, the sparkle in his eye—they looked so familiar. I knew I had seen them before. And before I could get my thoughts in order, my mouth blurted out the realization.

“Oh my God! You’re dating someone!”

The moment I said those words, his facial expression changed immediately, as if he could anticipate what was coming at him, and before he could say anything, I was in tears and a shambles.

He no longer loved me.

At that moment, I knew that if I didn’t find a way to let go of my unhealthy desire to control Stefan, my past would continue to haunt me. I had to find a way to heal my wounds.

LESSONS IN LETTING GO

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.

—THOMAS À KEMPIS

Over and over I have tried to control how my life unfolded, how people perceived me and how my boyfriend treated me, among so many other things many of us too often attempt to control.

I thought that this was what I had to do in order to keep my life from falling apart, in order for me to find love, peace and happiness. But the more I tried to control everything and everyone, and the more I insisted on making things go my own way, the unhappier I became and the more chaotic my life seemed to get. So I had to stop.

Seeing that I wasn’t getting any healthy and positive results through my obsessive and controlling behavior, I eventually decided to surrender. To let go and just relax into life. I decided to release control—no longer going against the flow, but with it. And the irony is that the moment I decided to release control, the moment I decided to stop trying so hard to make my life work, to make people like me and to make them love and approve of me, that’s when everything started to fall into place. That’s when my life started to follow its natural course—taking me places I had never dreamed of going, meeting people I had never dreamed of meeting and doing things I had never believed myself capable of doing.

• • •

So don’t be frightened, dear friend, if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening within you, and remember that life has not forgotten you; it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, any pain, any depression, since you don’t know what work they are accomplishing within you?

—RAINER MARIA RILKE

Another dear friend of mine, Tharyn, shared with me how he gave up control and allowed life to take care of everything for him. He had just gotten back to his home in the U.S. after working in Southeast Asia for nearly two years. Upon arriving home, he had no solid plans and began searching for what to do next. However, in less than a month, his search became an obsessive and anxious bad habit. He kept trying to control all the circumstances of his next steps, and yet the harder he tried, the more he seemed to struggle and the more difficult his life seemed to get.

After many weeks of anxiety and uncertainty, he decided to surrender. He thought of his previous winding path, and all the miracles that had happened on the way when he allowed things to flow naturally. He made the leap to give up control and put his trust in life once more, to let things work themselves out. Then, out of nowhere, an opportunity arose that took him to a magnificent place he had never known existed. When he let go of the outcome he thought he wanted, he let in the outcome he really needed. Which made him realize that life happens the way it’s supposed to happen, not the way we think and try to make it happen.

Even though things might not always go the way we want them to go, and even though life might not always give us the experiences we want to have, it doesn’t meant that life isn’t offering us the experiences we NEED to have—the experiences that are beneficial for the evolution of our consciousness, the growth of our own souls and the expansion of our whole beings.

Life knows a lot more than we do, because life is a lot wiser than we are. And even though our minds might try to convince us that we need to control everything and everyone, and we need to make sure that things always go our own way, the truth of the matter is that life is meant to be lived, not controlled; people are meant to be loved, not controlled; feelings are meant to be felt, not controlled. And by giving up control and allowing life to guide us, we will be able to experience, understand and know this truth.

THE PATH TO “GIVING UP”

1. Whatever You Need, Life Will Supply

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

—MATTHEW 7:7–8

In the movie The Shift, Wayne Dyer talks about how for the first nine months of our existence, everything we needed for our growth and development was provided to us, naturally and effortlessly.

While we were in our mother’s womb, we didn’t have to fear, control, stress over and worry about what color our eyes were going to be or how our organs were going to develop. We simply surrendered and trusted that everything was being taken care of for us. We trusted the wisdom of life and we trusted ourselves. But as we grew older, constantly hearing that the world around us was a fearful and hostile place, and being exposed to painful and unhappy experiences and circumstances, we slowly but surely began to drift away from that trust. We forgot about our true nature and we began to think that we were all alone and helpless.

Our lives aren’t meant to be difficult, but we make them so by constantly doubting ourselves and interfering with the natural flow of life.

When you think that you are all alone in this world and that you have to work very hard to achieve happiness, you can’t help but live in fear. You can’t help but try very hard to control everything and everyone. You can’t help but desperately try to control how your whole life unfolds. And the more you try to control everything, the more everything seems to get out of control.

Allow life to supply all your needs, not according to your limited expectations, but according to life’s unlimited resources and riches. Trust that just as everything you needed in those first nine months of your life was being offered to you, naturally and effortlessly, everything you need for the rest of your journey here on this planet will also be provided to you in the same beautiful, natural and effortless way the moment you release your worries, give up the need for control and put your trust in life.

2. Trust Your Inner Wisdom

There is a universal, intelligent, life force that exists within everyone and everything. It resides within each one of us as a deep wisdom, an inner knowing. We can access this wonderful source of knowledge and wisdom through our intuition, an inner sense that tells us what feels right and true for us at any given moment.

—SHAKTI GAWAIN

In the same way we trust the sun to shine and give us light; in the same way we trust that our breath, our eyes, our heart, and all our organs will continue to function—in the exact same way we need to learn to trust our inner wisdom, and also the wisdom of life.

We all have an inner GPS to lead us in the direction we are meant to be going. By getting out of our own way and by giving up the need to control, we allow ourselves to act upon our heart’s desire and to do the things that our soul needs us to do.

Learn how to develop, listen and trust this inner voice. Learn to trust your heart and to follow intuition. Trust that there is a natural flow to life, and choose to go with it, not against it.

Instead of believing every fearful thought your mind wants you to think, choose to listen to what your heart has to say instead. Choose to trust your feelings more than you trust your fearful thoughts. Know that if there’s tension and anxiety present within you, you are disconnected from your authentic self. And if you feel peaceful and at ease, if love flows through you, it’s because you have chosen to relax into your true nature, to allow life to guide you and to trust that it will take good care of you, because it will.

3. Do Your Work, Then Step Back

Can you deal with the most vital matters by letting events take their course? Can you step back from you own mind and thus understand all things? Giving birth and nourishing, having without possessing, acting with no expectations, leading and not trying to control: this is the supreme virtue.

—LAO TZU

Think of yourself as a farmer. Faithfully scatter your seeds (wishes) across the field of life, water them down whenever needed and leave the rest to nature.

Allow life to do what life needs to do.

Don’t try to force things into existence. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry. Just trust the process. Trust the wisdom of life and trust that everything is happening exactly the way it’s supposed to happen, because it is.

Do your part then step back.

Allow things to unfold naturally without you trying to control everything that happens to you. Allow life to take its natural course, to take you where it needs to take you and not where you think it should take you. Trust that maybe life’s plans for you are better than your plans.

Let go of fixed plans, rigid beliefs and concepts about how life should unfold, about how things should be, about how people should behave, and keep your mind open to what is.

If things don’t happen the way you want them to happen, based on the image you had in your head, let it go. Trust that maybe things weren’t meant to happen the way you wanted them to happen and that maybe something better is waiting for you not too far from these so-called failures and mistakes.

Give up the need to adjust life according to your own script and instead work on allowing life to guide you. Learn to go with the flow of life and you will end up exactly where you need to be—not where your fearful self thinks you should be, but where your soul knows you belong.

Surrender to what is. Make peace with this idea that people are made to be loved. That things, places, experiences are meant to be enjoyed. That feelings aren’t meant to be controlled and that life is meant to be lived, not controlled. Give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you—situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street—just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are. Allow life to be as it is.