Chapter 14

GIVE UP LABELS

When you don’t cover up the world with words and labels, a sense of the miraculous returns to your life that was lost a long time ago when humanity, instead of using thought, became possessed by thought.

—ECKHART TOLLE

MY STORY

Before my article “15 Things You Should Give Up to Be Happy” went viral in April 2012, I was regular Luminita, the “Author Liaison” person promoted to “Product Development Creative Lead” at Mindvalley. These labels didn’t have a strong charge to them. But after my viral blog post, things changed.

Thousands upon thousands of emails, comments and messages from people all over the world poured into my life. People of all ages wrote in to thank me for the work I was doing, and encouraging me to never stop writing. New hires at Mindvalley came to me, asking if I was the PurposeFairy and expressing how they read my blog with their friends back in their home countries.

With all that attention, it wasn’t long until I started to identify myself with what I was doing.

In my mind, I was no longer Luminita, the girl who was working in Mindvalley. I was now the PurposeFairy. I was the blogger who had written the “most viral personal development article in the history of the Internet,” whom everyone seemingly wanted to interview and talk to. The girl who knew what happiness was really all about and who was “wise beyond her years.” And that became my label, my new identity, one which now carried a certain image and set of expectations.

• • •

Soon I felt like I was supposed to embody all the qualities that the PurposeFairy stood for, and whenever I would catch myself thinking a negative thought, whenever I would find myself in a stressful situation, and whenever I would behave in a way that wasn’t aligned with how the PurposeFairy was supposed to behave, I would immediately try to suppress my “inappropriate” feelings and behaviors.

“I am the PurposeFairy now. I can’t be stressed. I shouldn’t think negative thoughts and I shouldn’t have bad days.”

“PurposeFairy is always happy and I need to do my best to be happy all the time.”

Without me even realizing it, I had placed myself in a box, thinking that because I was someone who was writing and sharing her ideas—her knowledge and insights about life, happiness and purpose—I was supposed to skip many of the stages and lessons I still had to learn, to instead become this final, perfect “product.”

Because I was putting so much pressure on myself, constantly trying to censor and keep myself from thinking, feeling, and from being myself, I was quickly forgetting that PurposeFairy was something I was moving toward; she was someone whose traits, qualities, wisdom and values I was learning and was going to embody in time through practice, through trial and error, and through experiencing life with its many ups and downs. I certainly was not going to do it by placing myself in a box and trying very hard to stay there.

LESSONS IN LETTING GO

He who stands on tiptoe doesn’t stand firm. He who rushes ahead doesn’t go far. He who tries to shine dims his own light. He who defines himself can’t know who he really is. He who has power over others can’t empower himself. He who clings to his work will create nothing that endures. If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job, then let go.

—LAO TZU

The use of labels creates a veil in front of our eyes, impairing our sight and causing us to see the world as either black or white, good or bad, rich or poor, worthy or unworthy, and then treat everyone according to the values we give to each label.

Ever since I can remember I have tried so hard to become one with the many labels that were constantly being placed on me, by those around me and by myself, thinking that it was my responsibility to honor those labels and live my life according to the instructions written on the many “boxes” I was constantly being placed in. As a result, I suffered a great deal.

It wasn’t until I started putting a lot of pressure on myself by constantly trying to censor and keep myself from thinking and feeling, from being who I really was, that I finally realized that my place wasn’t in a “box” and that all the labels in the world would never really summarize who I truly am.

• • •

So many people identify themselves with their past, their job, their physical appearance, the money they make, the things they have, their social status, their religion, the country they were born in, with a disease they may have, and the many other labels that are constantly being placed on them by themselves or by those around them. And because of that, they fail to realize that these rigid labels and categories have nothing to do with who they truly are.

Iulian, my sister’s fiancé, understands this truth better than anyone else. When he was seventeen years old, he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The doctors told him and his parents that he only had a few months to live, and because he saw the doctors as authoritative figures who knew everything about his health, he gave up on all the ideas he had about who he really was, and became a cancer patient instead. For the next six months, this was the only label he carried around with him. But one day, through a beautiful and miraculous conversation he had with one of his doctors, he realized that cancer was something he had, not something that he was. And with this simple yet profound realization, he shifted his mindset completely, no longer perceiving himself as a sick person, but rather as a happy, healthy and positive young man who loved himself and his life. That’s what brought him healing. Now, after nearly seven years, Iulian is cancer-free, enjoying his life and thanking God each day for the miracle he performed through him but also for opening his eyes and helping him see himself and others for who they truly are rather than any limiting label that might narrowly define them.

THE PATH TO “GIVING UP”

1. Your Place Is Not in a “Box”

We believe in a personal, unique, and separate identity—but if we dare to examine it, we find that this identity depends entirely on an endless collection of things to prop it up: our name, our “biography,” our partners, family, home, job, friends, credit cards . . . It is on their fragile and transient support that we rely for our security. So when they are all taken away, will we have any idea of who we really are?

Without our familiar props, we are faced with just ourselves, a person we do not know, an unnerving stranger with whom we have been living all the time but we never really wanted to meet. Isn’t that why we have tried to fill every moment of time with noise and activity, however boring or trivial, to ensure that we are never left in silence with this stranger on our own?

—SOGYAL RINPOCHE

We live in a world where people are constantly defining boundaries, using all kinds of categorical and stereotypical labels to separate themselves from those around them, and thinking that based on the labels each individual carries, they will know how to treat everyone. And they will know who are the people they should associate with and who are the people they should stay away from.

When you place yourself and the world around you in “boxes,” and when you label everyone around you based on how they look, what they do for a living, based on their beliefs, physical appearance, social status, sexual orientation, gender, and so on, and label yourself the same way, you create a huge gap between you and the world around you, between your heart and theirs. You forget that we are all in this together, and you cease to remember that who we are underneath it all has no color, no race and no interest in placing everything and everyone into “boxes” and categories and then treating them all according to the instructions written on those many “boxes.”

Most of us were raised to believe that labels are meant to help us become more aware of our value and our own worth, and that they are meant to help us differentiate ourselves from those who are different than us, when in fact, these labels don’t really say much about who we truly are, since they only define our actions and our interactions, our behaviors and attitudes, and not our true nature. Just as the map is not the territory, so too the labels you place on people don’t actually define who they are.

People, places and experiences aren’t meant to be labeled and judged, they are meant to be loved and appreciated, since deep down inside, the nature we all share is love, light and happiness.

2. Labels Deny You the Right to Realize Your True Nature

Once you label me you negate me.

—SØREN KIERKEGAARD

Who we are underneath it all is much grander and much more complex than our conceptual structure of reality, much more precious and a lot more valuable than all the labels that have been placed on us up until this moment, and all the labels that will continue to be placed on us in the future.

Our true nature is fluid and expansive, constantly growing and constantly expanding. And when we use all kinds of rigid concepts and labels to define ourselves, conforming to strict ideas of who we are, we deny ourselves the right to realize our true nature. We deny ourselves the right to be the unique, powerful and loving beings we were born to be. And instead of continuing to be supple as a newborn child, and instead of remaining soft and flexible like water, we become hard and rigid, living our lives from a place of doubt, fear and limitation and continuing to perceive ourselves as being more or less valuable than those around us based on the labels we all carry.

There is so much more to each and every one of us than our name, our past, our partners, family, friends, job, material possessions, and the many categorical and stereotypical labels that the world around us has placed on us. And it’s only by giving up the need to constantly label ourselves, our experiences, our lives and the lives of those around us that we can fully experience and understand this truth.

3. Focus on the Depth More Than the Surface

Do not hover always on the surface of things, nor take up suddenly with mere appearances; but penetrate into the depth of matters, as far as your time and circumstances allow.

—ISAAC WATTS

Put down your label maker and dare to look at the deeper meaning of things. Look beyond the surface. Look deep into people’s hearts and look deep into your own soul.

Look at everything with curiosity, with love and compassion. Understand that there is more to life than what meets the eye. There is more to people, places, experiences and things than what you see at first glance.

Focus on the depth more than the surface; focus on the beauty and the light that is hidden in each and every one of us and less on the darkness.

Seek to understand why things are the way they are, why people behave the way they do, and why you are experiencing the things you are experiencing. Keep an open mind and try to understand the whole of life, not just one small part of it.

4. We Are All in This Together

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a cloud be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

—JOHN DONNE

It’s true that we live in a world where labels need to be used so that we won’t have chaos and madness present all around us. And it’s true that many of the labels we use are meant to help us manage and guide our conduct, to navigate the many decisions we have to make and to contribute to a clear and healthy communication between us. But it’s also true that labels are often meant to divide us from one another, creating a false sense of separation between us, causing us to perceive some people as being more important and more valuable than others.

We are all in this together. This planet belongs to all of us, and there isn’t one human being on this earth who is more deserving than another.

We are all equally valuable and equally important. Even though some of us might be more knowledgeable than others, and even though some people might lead better and richer lives than others do, it doesn’t mean that those people are more important, more superior or more deserving. It only means that they have lived under different circumstances than others have and that they were shaped differently than others were.

So give up labels and make no distinction between people based on age, sex, social status, color, religion or race. Seek to live your life believing in the equality of all.