Lillie’s in the graveyard again, looking for ghosts. She just can’t stay away.
“I’m paying my respects,” she says, but it doesn’t make sense.
These days All Souls Cemetery’s about as forgotten as the people buried in it. The land belongs to some big company now and they’re just waiting for the paperwork to go through at city hall. One day soon they’ll be moving what’s left of the bodies, tearing down all those old-fashioned mausoleums and crypts and putting up something shiny and new. Who’s going to miss it? Nobody goes there now except for the dealers with their little packets of oblivion and junkies looking for a fix.
The only people who care about the place are from the Crowsea Heritage Society. And Lillie. Everybody else just wants to see it go. Everybody else likes the idea of making a place gone wild safe again, never mind they don’t put it quite that way. But that’s what they’re thinking. You can see it in the back of their eyes when they talk about it.
See, there’s something that scares most people about the night, something that rises out of old memories, out of the genetic soup we all carry around inside us. Monsters in closets when we were kids and further back still, a long way, all the way back to the things waiting out there where the fire’s light can’t reach. It’s not something anybody talks about, but I know that’s what they see in All Souls because I can see it, too.
It’s got nothing to do with the drug deals going down. People know a piece of the night is biding in there, thinking about them, and they can’t wait to see it go. Even the dealers. You see them hanging around by the gates, money moves from one hand to the other, packets of folded paper follow suit, everything smooth, moves like magic—they’re fearless, these guys. But they don’t go any further in than they have to. Nobody does except for Lillie.
“There’s been nobody buried there in fifty years,” I tell her, but that just gets her back up. “All the more reason to give those old souls some respect,” she says.
But that’s not it. I know she’s looking for ghosts. Thing is, I don’t know why.
Alex’s problem is he wants an answer for everything. All he ever does is go around asking questions. Never lets a thing lie. Always has to know what’s going on and why. Can’t understand that some things don’t have reasons. Or that some people don’t feel like explaining themselves. They just do what feels right. Get an idea in their head and follow it through and don’t worry about what someone else is going to think or if anybody else understands.
In Alex’s world there’s only right and wrong, black and white. Me, I fall through the cracks of that world. In my head, it’s all grey. In my head, it’s all like walking in the twilight, a thousand shades of moonglow and dusky skies and shadow.
He thinks of me sitting here in the dark, all those old stone mausoleums standing around me, old and battered like the tenements leaning against each other on the streets where we grew up, and it spooks him. But All Souls comforts me, I don’t know why. Half the trees inside are dead, the rest are dying. Most of the grass is yellow and brown and the only flowers in this place these days grow on weeds, except in one corner where a scraggly old rose bush keeps on trying, tough old bugger doesn’t know enough to give up. The stone walls are crumbling down, the cast-iron gates haven’t worked in years. There’s a bunch of losers crowded around those gates, cutting deals, more nervous of what’s here, inside, than of the man showing up and busting them. I come in over the wall and go deep, where the shadows hide me, and they never even know I’m here. Nobody does, except for Alex and he just doesn’t understand.
I know what Alex sees when he looks at this place. I see it, too, at first, each time I come. But after a while, when I’m over the wall and inside, walking the narrow lanes in between the stones and tombs, uneven cobbles underfoot, the shadows lying thick everywhere I look, it gets different. I go someplace else. I don’t hear the dealers, I don’t see the junkies. The cemetery’s gone, the city’s gone, and me, I’m gone, too.
The only thing still with me are the walls, but they’re different in that other place. Not so worn down. The stones have been fit together without mortar, each one cunningly placed against the other and solid. Those walls go up ten feet and you’d have to ram them with a bulldozer before they’d come down.
Inside, it’s a garden. Sort of. A wild place. A tangle of bushes and briars, trees I’ve got no name for and vines hanging everywhere. A riot of flowers haunts the ground cover, pale blossoms that catch the moonlight and hold it in their petals.
The moonlight. That moon is so big in this place it feels like it could swallow the world. When I stand there in the wild garden and look up at it, I feel small, like I’m no bigger than the space of time between one moment and the next, but not the same way I feel small anywhere else. Where I come from there are millions of people living everywhere and each one of them’s got his or her own world. It’s so easy to lose a part of yourself in those worlds, to just find yourself getting sucked away until there’s next to nothing left of who you are. But I don’t have to be careful about that here. There aren’t any of those millions of people here and that moon, it doesn’t swallow up who I am, its golden light fills me up, reveling in what it knows me to be. I’m small in its light, sure, but the kind of small that can hold everything there is to be held. The moon’s just bigger, that’s all. Not more important than me, just different.
Those junkies don’t know what they’re missing, never getting any further inside the gates than the first guy in a jean vest with the right price.
Trouble is, Lillie doesn’t understand danger. She’s never had to go through the hard times some of us did, never really seen what people can do to each other when they’re feeling desperate or just plain mean. She grew up poor, like everybody else in our neighborhood, but her family loved her and she didn’t get knocked around the way those of us who didn’t have her kind of parents did. She was safe at home; out on the streets, I always looked after her, made sure the hard cases left her alone.
I’m working as a bouncer at Chic Cheeks the night I hear she’s been going to All Souls, so I head down there after my shift to check things out. It’s a good thing I do. Some of the guys hanging around by the gates have gotten bored and happened to spot her, all alone in there and looking so pretty. Guess they decided they were going to have themselves a little fun. Bad move. But then they didn’t expect me to come along.
I remember a teacher I had in junior high telling me one time how wood and stone make poor conductors. Well, they conduct pain pretty good, as those boys find out. I introduce one of them face-first to a tombstone and kind of make a mess of his nose, knock out a couple of teeth. His pals aren’t chickenshit, I’ll give them that much. I hear the snickt of their blades snapping open, so I drop the first guy. He makes some kind of gurgling noises when he hits the ground and rolls onto my boot. I push him away and then ignore him. He’s too busy feeling his pain to cause me any immediate grief. I turn to his buddies, a little pissed off now, but we don’t get into it.
“Oh Christ,” one of them says, recognizing me.
“We didn’t mean nothing, Al,” the other one says.
They’re putting their knives away, backing up.
“We knew she was one of your people, we never would’ve touched her. I swear it, man.”
Guess I’ve got a bit of a rep. Nothing serious. I’m not some big shot. What it’s got to do with is my old man.
Crazy Eddie is what they used to call him on the streets. Started running numbers for the bosses back when he was a kid, then moved into collections, which is where he got his name. You don’t want to think it of your own flesh and blood, but the old man was a psycho. He’d do any crazed thing came to mind if you couldn’t pay up. You’re in for a few yards, you better cough it up, don’t matter what you’ve got to do to get the money, because he’d as soon as cut your throat as collect the bread.
After a while the bosses started using him for hits, the kind where they’re making a statement. Messy, crazy hits. He did that for years until he got into a situation he couldn’t cut his way out of. Cops took him away in a bunch of little bags.
Man, I’ll never forget that day. I was doing a short stretch in the county when I found out and I near laughed myself sick. I’d hated that old bastard for the way he’d treated ma, for what he did to my sister Juney. He used to kick the shit out of me on a regular basis, but I could deal with that. It was the things he did to them . . . . I knew one day I’d take him down, didn’t matter he was my old man. I just hadn’t got around to it yet. Hadn’t figured out a way to let the bosses know it was personal, not some kind of criticism of their business.
Anyway, I’m not mean like the old man was, I’ll tell you that straight-off, but I purely don’t take crap from anybody. I don’t have to get into it too much anymore. People take a look at me now and think, blood is blood. They see my old man’s crazy eyes when they look in mine, and they find some other place to be than where I’m standing.
So I make the point with these boys that they don’t want to mess with Lillie, and all it takes is a tap against a tombstone for them to get the message. I let them get their pal and take off, then I go to see what Lillie’s doing.
It’s the strangest thing. She’s just standing there by one of those old stone mausoleums, swaying back and forth, looking off into the space between a couple of those stone crypts. I scratch my head, and take a closer look myself. She’s mesmerized by something, but damned if I know what. I can hear her humming to herself, still doing that swaying thing, mostly with her upper body, back and forth, smiling that pretty smile of hers, short black hair standing up at attention the way it always does. I’m forever trying to talk her into growing it long, but she laughs at me whenever I do.
I guess I watch her for about an hour that night. I remember thinking she’d been sampling some of the dealers’ wares until she suddenly snaps out of it. I fade back into the shadows at that point. Don’t want her to think I’ve been spying on her. I’m just looking out for her, but she doesn’t see it that way. She gets seriously pissed at me and I hate having Lillie mad at me.
She walks right by me, still humming to herself. I can see she’s not stoned, just Lillie-strange. I watch her climb up some vines where one of the walls is broken and low, and then she’s gone. I go out the front way, just to remind the boys what’s what, and catch up with Lillie a few blocks away, casual-like. Don’t ask her where she’s been. Just say how-do, make sure she’s okay without letting on I’m worried, and head back to my own place.
I don’t know exactly when it is I realize she’s looking for ghosts in there. It just comes to me one day, slips in sideways when I’m thinking about something else. I try talking to her about it from time to time but all she does is smile, the way only she can.
“You wouldn’t understand,” she says.
“Try me.”
She shakes her head. “It’s not something to understand,” she says. “It’s just something you do. The less you worry at it, the more it makes sense.”
She’s right. I don’t understand.
There’s a boy living in the garden. He reminds me a little of Alex. It’s not that they look the same. This kid’s all skin and bones, held together with wiry muscles. Naked and scruffy, crazy tangled hair full of burrs and twigs and stuff, peach-fuzz vying with a few actual beard hairs, dink hanging loose when he’s not holding onto it—I guess you’ve got to do something with your hands when you don’t have pockets. Alex, he’s like a fridge with arms and legs. Big, strong, and loyal as all get-out. Not school-smart, but bright. You couldn’t pick a couple of guys that looked less alike.
The reason they remind me of each other is that they’re both a little feral. Wild things. Dangerous if you don’t approach them right.
I get to the garden one night and the trees are full of grackles. They’re feeding on berries and making a racket like I’ve never heard before. I know it’s an unkindness of ravens and a murder of crows, but what do you call that many grackles all together? I’m walking around, peering up at them in the branches, smiling at the noise, when I see the boy sitting up in one of the trees, looking back down at me.
Neither of us says anything for a long time. There’s just the racket of the birds playing against the silence we hold between us.
“Hey there,” I say finally. “Is this your garden?”
“It’s my castle.”
I smile. “Doesn’t look much like a castle.”
“Got walls,” he tells me.
“I suppose.”
He looks a little put out. “It’s a start.”
“So when are you going to start building the rest?” I ask.
He looks at me, the way a child looks at you when you’ve said something stupid.
“Go away,” he says.
I decide I can be as much of an asshole as he’s being and play the why game with him.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because I don’t like you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re stupid.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Guess you were born that way.”
“Why?”
“Have to ask your parents that.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know.”
“Why?”
He finally catches on. Pulling a twig free from the branch he’s sitting on, he throws it at me. I duck and it misses. When I look back up, he’s gone. The noise of the grackles sounds like laughter now.
“Guess I deserve that,” I say.
I don’t see the boy for a few visits after that, but the next time I do, he pops up out of the thick weeds underfoot and almost gives me a heart attack.
“I could’ve just snuck up on you and killed you,” he tells me. “Just like that.”
He leans against a tree, one hand hanging down in between his legs like he’s got a piece of treasure there.
“Why would you want to do that?” I ask.
His eyes narrow. “I don’t want to play the why game again.”
“I’m not. I really want to know.”
“It’s not a thing I do or don’t want to do,” he tells me. “I’m just saying I could. It was a piece of information, that’s all.”
There’s something incongruous about the way he says this—innocent and scary, all at the same time. It reminds me of when I was a little girl, how it took me the longest time to admit that I could ever like a boy, they were all such assholes. All except Alex. I wouldn’t have minded so much if he’d pulled my hair or pushed me on the schoolyard, but he never did. He was always so sweet and polite to me and then after classes, he’d go out and beat up the guys that had been mean to me. I guess I was flattered, at first, but then I realized it wasn’t a very nice thing to do. You have to understand, we’re both still in grade school when this is going on. Things weren’t the same back then the way they are for kids now. We sure never had to walk through metal detectors to get into the school.
Anyway, I asked him to stop and he did. At least so far as I know, he did. I wonder sometimes, though. Sometimes my boyfriends have the weirdest accidents—walking into doors and stuff like that.
This one time Lillie’s going out with this college-type. Dave, his name is. Dave Taylor. Nice enough looking joe, I suppose, but he’s not exactly the most faithful guy you’d ever meet. Happened to run into him getting a little on the side one night, so I walk up to his table and tell him I have to have a word with him, would his lady friend excuse us for a moment? He doesn’t want to step outside, so I suggest to his lady friend that she go powder her nose, if she understands my meaning.
“So what the hell’s this all about?” Dave asks when she’s gone. He’s blustering, trying to make up for the face he feels he lost in front of his girlfriend.
“I’m a friend of Lillie’s,” I tell him.
“Yeah? So?”
“So I don’t like the idea of her getting hurt.”
“Hey, what she doesn’t know—”
“I’m not discussing this,” I say. “I’m telling you.”
The guy shakes his head. “Or what? I suppose you’re going to go running to her and—”
I hit him once, a quick jab to the head that rocks him back in his seat. Doesn’t even break the skin on my knuckles, but I can see he’s hurting.
“I don’t care who you go out with, or if you cheat on them,” I say, keeping my voice conversational. “I just don’t want you seeing Lillie any more.”
He’s holding a hand to his head where the skin’s going all red. Looks a little scared like I’m going to hit him again, but I figure I’ve already made my point.
“Do we understand each other?” I ask him.
He gives me a quick nod. I start to leave, then pause for a moment. He gives me a worried look.
“And Dave,” I say. “Let’s not get stupid about this. No one’s got to know we had this little talk, right?”
“What. . . whatever you say. . . .”
I wonder about Alex—worry about him, I guess you could say. He never seems to be happy or sad. He just is. It’s not like he’s cold, keeps it all bottled in or anything, and he’s always got a smile for me, but there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of passion in his life. He doesn’t talk much, and never about himself. That’s another way he and the boy in the garden differ. The boy’s always excited about something or other, always ready for any sort of mad escapade. And he loves to talk.
“Old castle rock,” the boy tells me one time. His eyes are gleaming with excitement. “That’s what these walls are made of. They were part of this castle on the other side and now they’re here. There’s going to be more of the castle coming, I just know there is. Towers and turrets and stables and stuff.”
“When’s the rest of it going to come?” I ask.
He shrugs his bony shoulders. “Dunno. Could be a long time. But I can wait.”
“Where’s it coming from?” I ask then.
“I told you. From the other side.”
“The other side of what?”
He gives me that look again, the one that says don’t you know anything?
“The other side of the walls,” he says.
I’ve never looked over the walls—not from the garden. That’s the first thing Alex would have done. He may not have passion in his life, but he’s sure got purpose. He’s always in the middle of something, always knows what’s going on. Never finished high school, but he’s smarter than most people I meet because he’s never satisfied until he’s got everything figured out. He’s in the public library all the time, reading, studying stuff. Never does anything with what he knows, but he sure knows a lot.
I walk over to the nearest of those tall stone walls and the boy trails along behind me, joins me when I start to go up. It’s an easier climb than you might think, plenty of finger-and toe-holds, and we scale it like a couple of monkeys, grinning at each other when we reach the top. It’s flat up there, with lots of room on the rough stone to sit and look out, only there’s nothing to see. Just fog, thick, the way it rolls into the city from the lake sometimes. It’s like the world ends on the other side of these walls.
“It’s always like this,” the boy says.
I turn to look at him. My first impression was that he’d come in over the walls himself and I never learned anything different to contradict it, but now I’m not so sure anymore. I mean, I knew this garden was someplace else, someplace magical that you could only reach the way you get to Neverneverland—you have to really want to get there. You might stumble in the first time, but after that you have to be really determined to get back in. But I also thought the real world was still out there, on the other side of the garden’s magic, held back only by the walls.
“Where did you come from?” I ask him.
He give me this look that manages to be fierce and sad, all at the same time.
“Same place as you,” he says and touches a closed fist to his heart. “From the hurting world. This is the only place I can go where they can’t get to me, where no one can hurt me.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t come here looking for sanctuary. I’m not running from anything.”
“Then why are you here?”
I think of Alex and the way he’s always talking about ghosts, but it’s not that either. I never really think about it, I just come. Alex is the one with the need to have answers to every question. Not me. For me the experience has been enough of and by itself. But now that I think about it, now that I realize I want an answer, I find I don’t have one.
“I don’t know,” I say.
“I thought you were like me,” the boy says.
He sounded disappointed. Like I’ve disappointed him. He sounds angry, too. I want to say something to mollify him, but I can’t find those words either. I reach out a hand, but he jerks away. He stands up, looks at me like I’ve turned into the enemy. I guess, in his eyes, I have. If I’m not with him, then I’m against him.
“I would never hurt you,” I finally say. “I’ve never hurt anybody.”
“That’s what you think,” he says.
Then he dives off the top of the wall, dives into the fog. I grab for him, but I’m not fast enough. I hold my breath, waiting to hear him hit the ground, but there’s no sound. The fog swallows him and I’m alone on the top of the wall. I feel like I’ve missed something, something important. I feel like it was right there in front of me, all along, but now it’s gone, dove off the wall with the boy and I’ve lost my chance to understand it.
The next time I come to the garden, everything’s the same, but different. The boy’s not here. I’ve come other times, lots of times, and he hasn’t been here, but this time I feel he won’t be back, won’t ever be back, and I miss him. I don’t know why. It’s not like we had a whole lot in common. It’s not like we had long, meaningful conversations, or were in love with each other or anything. I mean, he was just a kid, like a little brother, not a lover. But I miss him the way I’ve missed a lover when the relationship ends.
I feel guilty, too. Maybe this place isn’t a sanctuary for me, but it was for him. A walled, wild garden, held safe by moonlight and vines. His castle. What if I’ve driven him away forever? Driven him back to what he called the hurting world.
I hate that idea the most, the idea that I’ve stolen the one good thing he had in a life that didn’t have anything else. But I don’t know what to do about it, how to call him back. I’d trade my coming here for his in a moment, only how can I tell him that? I don’t even know his name.
Lillie doesn’t leave the graveyard this night. I watch her sitting there on the step of one of those old mausoleums, sitting there all hunched up, sitting there all night. Finally, dawn breaks in the east, swallows the graveyard’s spookiness. It’s just an old forgotten place now, fallen in on itself and waiting for the wreckers’ ball. The night’s gone and taken the promise of danger away with it. I go over to where Lillie is and sit down beside her on the steps. I touch her arm.
“Lillie?” I say. “Are you okay?”
She turns to look at me. I’m expecting her to be mad at me for being here. She’s got to know I’ve been following her around again. But all she does is give me a sad look.
“Did you ever lose something you never knew you had?” she asks.
“I only ever wanted one thing,” I tell her, “but I never had it to lose.”
“I don’t even know what it is that I’ve lost,” she says. “I just know something’s gone. I had a chance to have it, to hold it and cherish it, but I let it go.”
The early morning sunlight’s warm on my skin, but a shiver runs through me all the same. I think maybe she’s talking about ghosts. Maybe there really are ghosts here. I get the crazy idea that maybe we’re ghosts, that we died and don’t remember it. Or maybe only one of us did.
“What was the one thing you wanted that you never got?” she asks.
It’s something I would never tell her. I promised myself a long time ago that I’d never tell her because I knew she deserved better. But that crazy idea won’t let go, that we’re dead, or one of us is, and it makes me tell her.
“It’s you,” I say.
Did you ever hear someone tell you something you always knew but it never really registered until they put it into words? That’s what happens to me when Alex tells me he loves me, that he’s always loved me.
His voice trails off and I look at him, really look at him. He almost flinches under my gaze. I can tell he doesn’t want to be here, that he wishes he’d never spoken, that he feels a hurt swelling up inside him that he would never have to experience if he’d kept his feelings to himself. He reminds me of the boy, the way the boy looked before he dove off the wall into the fog, not the anger, but the sadness.
“Why did you never say anything before this?” I finally ask.
“I couldn’t,” he says. “And anyway. Look at us, you and me. We grew up in the same neighborhood, sure, but . . .” He shrugs. “You deserve better than me.”
I have to smile. This is so Alex. “Oh, right. And who decided that?”
Alex chooses not to answer me. “You were always different,” he says instead. “You were always the first on the block with a new sound or a new look, but you weren’t following trends. It’s like they followed you. And you never lost that. Anyone looks at you and they can tell there’s nothing holding you back. You can do anything, go anywhere. The future’s wide open for you, always was, you know what I’m saying? The streets never took their toll on you.”
Then why am I still living in Foxville? I want to ask him. How come my star didn’t take me to some nice uptown digs? But I know what he’s talking about. It’s not really about where I can go as much as where I’ve been.
“I was lucky,” I say. “My folks treated me decently.”
“And you deserved it.”
“Everybody deserves to be treated decently,” I tell him.
“Well, sure.”
We grew up in the same building before my parents could afford a larger apartment down the block. My mom used to feel sorry for Alex’s mother and we’d go over to visit when Crazy Eddie wasn’t home. I’d play with Alex and his little sister, our moms would pretend our lives were normal, that none of us were dirt poor, everybody dreaming of moving to the ’burbs. Some of our neighbors did, but most of us couldn’t afford it and still can’t. Of course the way things are going now, you’re not any safer or happier in the ’burbs than you are in the inner city. And living here, at least we’ve got some history.
But we never thought about that kind of thing at the time because we were just kids. Older times, simpler times. I smile, remembering how Alex always treated me so nice, right from the first.
“And then, of course, I had you looking out for me, too,” I say.
“You still do.”
I hadn’t really got around to thinking what he was doing here in All Souls at this time of the morning, but now it makes sense. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to ask him not to follow me around. It gives some people the creeps, but I know Alex isn’t some crazed stalker, fixated on me. He means well. He really is just looking out for me. But it’s a weird feeling all the same. I honestly thought I’d got him to stop.
“You really don’t have to be doing this,” I tell him. “I mean, it was kind of sweet when we were kids and you kept me from being bullied in the playground, but it’s not the same now.”
“You know the reason the dealers leave you alone?” he asks.
I glance toward the iron gates at the other end of the graveyard, but there’s no one there at the moment. The drug market’s closed up for the morning.
“They never knew I was here,” I say.
Alex shakes his head and that’s enough. He doesn’t have to explain. I know the reputation he has in the neighborhood. I feel a chill and I don’t know if it’s from the close call I had or the fact that I live in the kind of world where a woman can’t go out by herself. Probably both.
“It’s still not right,” I say. “I appreciate your looking out for me, really I do, but it’s not right, your following me around the way you do. You’ve got to get a life, Alex.”
He hangs his head and I feel like I’ve just reprimanded a puppy dog for doing something it thought was really good.
“I know,” he mumbles. He won’t look at me. “I . . . I’m sorry, Lillie.”
He gets up and starts to walk away. I look at his broad back and suddenly I’m thinking of the boy from the garden again. I’m seeing his sadness and anger, the way he dove off the wall into the fog and out of my life. I’m remembering what I said to him, that I would never hurt him, that I’ve never hurt anyone. And I remember what he said to me, just before he jumped.
That’s what you think.
I’m not stupid. I know I’m not responsible for someone falling in love with me. I can’t help if it they get hurt because maybe I don’t love them back. But this isn’t anyone. This is Alex. I’ve known him longer than maybe anyone I know. And if he’s looked out for me, I’ve looked out for him, too. I stood up for him when people put him down. I visited him in the county jail when no one else did. I took him to the hospital that time the Creevy brothers left him for dead on the steps of his apartment building.
I know that for all his fierceness, he’s a sweet guy. Dangerous, sure, but underneath that toughness there’s no monster like his old man was. Given a different set of circumstances, a different neighborhood to grow up in, maybe, a different father, definitely, he could have made something of himself. But he didn’t. And now I’m wondering if looking out for me was maybe part of what held him back. If I’d gotten myself out of the neighborhood, maybe he would have, too. Maybe we could both have been somebody.
But none of that’s important right now. So maybe I’m not in love with Alex. So what? He’s still my friend. He opened his heart to me and it’s like I didn’t even hear him.
“Alex!” I call after him.
He pauses and turns. There’s nothing hopeful in the way he looks, there’s not even curiosity. I get up from where I’ve been sitting and go to where he’s standing.
“I’ve got to let this all sink in,” I tell him. “You caught me off guard. I mean, I never even guessed you felt the way you do.”
“No, you don’t. You’re the best friend I ever had. I just never thought of us as a couple. Doesn’t mean all of a sudden I hate you or something.”
He shrugs. “I never should have said anything,” he says.
I shake my head. “No. What you should have done is said something a lot sooner. The way I see it, your big problem is you keep everything all bottled up inside. You’ve got to let people know what you’re thinking.”
“That wouldn’t change anything.”
“How do you know? When I was a kid I had the hugest crush on you. And later, I kept expecting you to ask me out, but you never did. Got so’s I just never thought of you in terms of boyfriend material.”
“So what’re you saying?”
I smile. “I don’t know. You could ask me to go to a movie or something.”
“Do you want to go to a movie?”
“Maybe. Let me buy you breakfast and we’ll talk about it.”
So I’m trying to do like Lillie says, talk about stuff that means something to me, or at least I do it with her. She asks me once what I’d like to do with my life, because she can’t see much future in my being a bouncer for a strip joint for the rest of my life. I tell her I’ve always wanted to paint and instead of laughing, she goes out and buys me a little tin of watercolors and a pad of paper. I give it a go and she tells me I’m terrible, like I don’t know it, but takes the first piece I do and hangs it on her fridge.
Another time I tell her about this castle I used to dream about when I was a kid, the most useless castle you could imagine, just these walls and a garden in them that’s gone all wild, but when I was there, nobody could hurt me, nobody at all.
She gives me an odd look and says, “With old castle rock for the walls.”
So I guess Alex was right. I must have been looking for ghosts in All Souls—or at least I found one. Except it wasn’t the ghost of someone who’d died and been buried in there. It was the ghost of a kid, a kid that was still living somewhere in an enclosed wild garden, secreted deep in his grown-up mind, a kid fooling around in trees full of grackles, hidden from the hurting world, held safe by moonlight and vines.
But you know, hiding’s not always the answer. Because the more Alex talks to me, the more he opens up, the more I see him the way I did when I was a little girl, when I’d daydream about how he and I were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
I guess we were both carrying around ghosts.