As the sun was setting, I put on my heavy coat and walked the cold dusky streets to Bryce’s place. I rapped my knuckles on his front door, many times, more than once. Nobody answered, so I presumed the unit was deserted. His car wasn’t there. But maybe his car is parked in the garage, I thought. And maybe he is at home, but he can’t hear anything because he’s sound asleep.
Or maybe he just doesn’t want to speak with you because he’s fed up with everything.
I wasn’t going to leave without seeing him first. I no longer have a curfew, so I was willing to wait for him all night if I had to.
I tramped over someone’s undernourished flowerbed to the door of unit number two. Its tenant—a portly woman with a shock of unnatural brick-red hair—told me succinctly she’d just got home from work herself. “Besides,” she added with a careless shrug, “I don’t take much notice of next door’s goings-on. That’s why I’m not with the Neighbourhood Watch. He could be a paedophile for all I know.”
I told her thanks anyway and took the thin, craggy footpath round to the front of the property, to the unit situated closest to the street. It was likewise dark and empty.
I huddled in the small nook outside Bryce’s flat, finally convinced that he wasn’t anywhere close by. I didn’t think he was far afield, either.
The wind grew stronger in its ferocity. It lashed my face, buffeted my hair and tugged forcibly at my clothes. Inwardly, I pleaded with him to get home quick. I had a fair idea where he was, but I wasn’t going to worry about it unnecessarily. I had to be certain first.
I’ll ask him as soon as he returns, I thought.
Or maybe I won’t need to ask him. Maybe I’ll know the answer just by looking at his face.
It was approaching eight o’clock when Bryce’s car sped up the drive. He braked hard and killed the lights.
I scrambled to my feet as he got out and shut the door equally hard.
“Bryce?”
He turned at once, in the direction of my voice. His own voice reached out beseechingly to me from the shadows. “Justice?”
“I’m here.”
He rounded the front of the car and walked straight towards me with his arms outstretched.
I recoiled from him, because in the dark he could have been anyone. A complete stranger. A madman about to attack me. But when the so-called madman went to hug me, there was no doubt in my mind it was Bryce. And I felt stupid, even ashamed.
I thrust my science essay at him, stopping him in his tracks.
“What’s this?”
“My essay. I realise it’s past its deadline but…I was hoping you’d be especially lenient. Did you go and see him?” I asked forthright, almost in the one breath.
“Come inside.” He took the essay from me, gripped me by the elbow and guided me away from the door. Then, without looking back at me, he unlocked it and entered the flat.
I followed him inside, fear balling in the pit of my stomach. A lamp came on in the far corner. The cone of light it discharged revealed the lounge room to be the same as I’d seen it last.
I glanced wistfully at the sofa with its large scroll arms and fat scatter cushions. I pictured the two of us lying there again, kissing like all-time lovers engaging in foreplay.
I wafted in the doorway like a capricious ghost and lent him some time to peel off his jacket, to get as comfortable as he was going to get. I stared at his face. Indeed it was Bryce, but never before had I seen him looking quite like he did. His broad shoulders were sagging under an invisible, hefty weight. His normally meticulous hair was dishevelled. He looked angry and sad and defeated all at once, and the situation seemed all the more hopeless and unbearable.
“You saw him, didn’t you?”
“Yes.” He tossed his jacket and the essay onto the couch without saying another word.
“Well?”
He stared silently back.
“You’re just going to let me hang?”
“The little rake confessed,” he said.
I was shocked. “He did?”
“But only because it was safe for him to confess.”
I stepped further into the room. “What do you mean?”
“He knows about us.”
“He what?”
“He’s blackmailing us. He said if you or I report him, he’ll tell everyone who’s anyone about our relationship.”
“But how’s that possible? How does he know about us?”
“He said he tailed you to my office one day—I believe it was Monday—and waited outside until you had left. Judging by the expression on your face, he said he just knew.”
“God, Bryce. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re sorry? What for?” Bryce was incensed. “He’s the one who should be sorry!”
“Who else knows?”
“No one, apparently.”
“What about his friends?”
“No one,” he repeated.
“Where’s the evidence against us?” I tried.
“There’s no need for any evidence, Justice. We can deny it all we want, but if it’s even hinted at that I’ve become involved with one of my students…people will start to question my work ethics, where my priorities lie. I’ll be ruined with or without condemnatory evidence. My reputation will be ruined, and possibly my career. Not to mention your reputation.”
“But that’s not fair!”
“Well, that’s what we’re dealing with.” He stopped. “What about the rape? Is there tangible evidence to confirm the rape took place?”
I shook my head. “I washed my clothes and…I showered. I just wanted to get beyond it.”
He started to pace the room. “Did a doctor examine you?”
“I…no. I was too scared to see anyone or tell anyone besides you about it. I only trust you, Bryce.”
“But you can’t solely depend on me. There are other people out there who can help you more than I can, Justice, who are qualified to help you. What if there’s some—” He hesitated, not wanting to say it out loud. “Internal damage?” he finished with difficulty.
“I don’t think there is.” I sounded bitter, but oddly calm, too. “He followed the standard procedure, according to all the textbooks I’ve read.”
“You mean it was your first? He took your …” Again, he had trouble saying it.
“You knew I was a virgin, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I guessed. It’s just …” He clenched his fists. “That bastard!”
“At least he didn’t mug me,” I said. “I’d rather lose my virginity than this valuable gold watch. I can pawn the watch.”
Bryce came to a standstill between the coffee table and the recliner chair. He looked appalled by what I’d just said. “Justice, how can you talk about it like that? Like it was a joke?”
My eyes watered. “Laugh it off, I say. Get him back another day.”
We were both quiet for a moment. I wiped my eyes and sniffed while Bryce stared at me continually. His own eyes glistened in the lamplight.
“I feel okay. I don’t hurt anywhere now.”
“That doesn’t mean there’s no serious damage. What about transmitted diseases? What if you’re—”
“I’m okay,” I stressed.
“But you’re not sure,” he insisted. “Only a doctor can tell you that you’re okay.”
“You want me to go and see a doctor? I’ll go and see a doctor. And he’ll assure us both that physically, I’m fine.”
“You don’t need to be so confident now. This is a time of uncertainty. You know it as well as I.”
“All right, then. I’ll try harder to be more uncertain and vulnerable, shall I?” I was nearly shaking.
“Justice, don’t be angry with me.”
“I’m trying my best not to let this defeat me!”
He spoke soothingly. “All right. I understand that.”
“If I break down now, Caleb’s won. They all have.”
“You can’t trick yourself into believing you’re okay, though.”
“I am okay.”
“But emotionally and psychologically? Justice, he’s scarred you for life.”
“I’m not as fragile as you perceive me to be.”
“You’re not invincible, either.”
“Nor are you,” I reminded him. “Nor is Caleb. He can be hurt, too.”
“Payback won’t solve anything, Justice. In fact, it’ll make things worse.”
I ignored his cautionary advice. “Did you ask him why he did it?”
“Because you wouldn’t have him,” he replied simply. “Because you’re in love with somebody else.”
Caleb’s motives are unjustifiable, I thought, but they’re true.
Bryce added rancorously, “He called you a whore.”
“I heard him,” I said, my voice finally breaking. “Right after he was done with me.”
Bryce came forward and I let his arms encircle me. I welcomed the embrace. With my chin on his shoulder I closed my eyes while he stroked my hair.
“I hit him,” he explained. “We have that against us as well.”
“Did he hit the floor?”
“After bouncing off the wall like a rubber ball.”
“Then it was worth it.”
He pushed me away, holding me at arm’s length so I could read the gravity of his words etched in his face like stone. “Nothing’s worth it, Justice. Misery isn’t something we want, even when something is done on our behalf to partially make up for it.”
“I’ll talk to him,” I said. “I think I’ll be able to deal with him.”
Like I dealt with Dad.
“You’re not to go anywhere near him. Understand?”
“What if he approaches me?”
“If he comes within twenty feet of you, then he’s a dead man.”
Bryce was only speaking out of spite.
“My sentiments exactly,” I said.
I wasn’t.
He held me tight again, murmured, “You’ve been hurt enough. I warned you that you could be hurt, didn’t I?”
“But I was always aware of that.”
“I wasn’t there to protect you.”
“It’s not your fault. We can’t avoid everything in life that’s bad for us,” I philosophised.
“If only I came after you myself that night.”
“Bryce,” I scolded, “don’t ‘if only’ me.”
I didn’t say anything else about it after that. I brought his face closer to mine and, very subtly, kissed the tip of his nose. I noticed that there were tears in his eyes. I kissed his tears, making them go away. “Where’s your room?” I whispered.
“Justice, you don’t—”
“I want this. I want you, so much.” I planted a soft, lingering kiss on his lips. “Do you want me? Are we still together?”
If he had hesitated even for a split second I don’t know what I would have done. But he didn’t have to think about it. “Yes.”
“Despite what’s happened, Bryce?”
“Despite what’s happened,” he repeated firmly.
“I didn’t deserve that, either, did I? If you tell me that I didn’t deserve it, I’ll believe you. I’ll believe anything you say. You know me, Bryce. You know the part of me that’s suffered. That’s continuing to suffer.”
“Justice.”
“Please, Bryce. Make it all better. Paint me a future that’s worth living. Will you do that for me?”
“Of course I will.”
“You know what that means, don’t you?”
His eyes widened at what I was proposing to him. “Even after what you’ve been through?”
“Especially after what I’ve been through,” I said. “I need you close to me. Closer than you’ve ever been.”
I kissed him harder this time, hoping my actions would persuade him more than my words could. When I finally pulled back, however, he still looked doubtful.
“I think we should wait, Justice.” He sounded a little out of breath. “You need time to think about this some more, to recover fully.”
“I don’t want to wait. Do this for me. Now.”
“I want you, but—”
I put a finger to his lips. “Shh. Do you have protection?”
He nodded.
“Then tell me where your room is, and I’ll lead us to it.”
In his room, we stood beside the bed and I encouraged him to unbutton my shirt, but he remained reluctant to do anything. His brow furrowed, his body tensed, his hands faltered in midair.
“I can’t,” he muttered dismally, his muscle bound arms limp at his sides.
“My brilliant science teacher,” I breathed in his ear. “My brilliant lover.”
Something flashed in his eyes; something inhuman with an animalistic need to feed off another’s flesh. Suddenly he was forceful and demanding. Suddenly it was clear what he wanted.
I didn’t fall onto the bed—I was pushed.
You and I, Bryce, we belong together, I thought.
I won’t let Caleb hurt us anymore. I’ll clean Dad’s blood off the knife and maintain what is just.
I am the right to their wrong, the good to their bad.
And Caleb Brack will no longer be a threat to us, my love.
Caleb Brack will no longer be.