I couldn't sleep. I stared into the darkness as thoughts whirled through my brain like startled birds, never landing long enough to settle or be resolved. Four days of fighting for my life. Four days to find and make peace with an inhuman part of myself I still couldn't acknowledge. Four days to figure out whether Atticus had a place in my life. Even meditating didn't help. New worries kept interrupting my mantra and driving away whatever peace I could eke out.
So by four in the morning, I gave up and went to the gym. One of the security team loitered in the hall outside my room, and though he didn't try to stop me, he definitely followed me to the gym. I made a mental note for later — if I had to escape, use a window. I ran on the treadmill for half an hour before Carter showed up to replace the security guy, but I found myself no closer to calm.
Carter remained something of an enigma; we hadn't really spoken since I arrived, though he seemed friendly enough. He got on the treadmill next to mine and started his own warmup, so for a solid twenty minutes we ran in silence except for the thump of our feet and steady breathing. The rhythm helped calm my mind, steady my pulse, until I felt more centered. Certainly not at peace with the universe, but much better than I'd been since hearing of my impending execution.
He slowed and stopped the treadmill, jumping off to retrieve water, so I followed suit. Carter looked like a perfect blend of Atticus and Benedict — a thug like his younger brother, but thoughtful like the lawyer. But he frowned at me like Edgar as he handed me a towel. "How close are you to your leopard? Do you speak to her?"
I blinked. "I don't understand."
The frown deepened. "If you sit quietly and clear your mind, do you know she's there?"
"I don't — I don't know." I drained the water and wondered if perhaps I needed to take my own advice. Me and the leopard, two sides of the same hand. "I don't know where to start."
"Okay." A smile flashed across his face and made him more charming, easy-going. "That's where we'll start. Atticus said you're into kung fu. I'm guessing you meditate?"
"Yeah." I took a deep breath as he retrieved a couple of yoga mats and spread them on the floor, wiping the bottoms of my feet on my calves as I padded over to sit facing him. "I started really young. One of the doctors recommended I try calming breathing to control my seizures."
He nodded, taking up the full lotus pose with remarkable ease, and I had to reassess my impression of the quiet Chase brother. He looked about as flexible as a log, but led right into mindful breathing like a yogi. I concentrated on breathing and let every other concern drift away. It took longer than usual for peace to settle over me, but when it did, I felt energy moving through the universe. I felt connected, whole. Relief almost knocked me out of the lotus position.
Carter murmured in a perfectly even, neutral tone. "When you're centered and you can really feel your breathing, open your mind. Make yourself receptive to the energy. There will be something a little wild there, something that feels familiar but different. Don't try to hold it to you. Just acknowledge it is there."
I did as he said, releasing control with each exhale, until I settled in my own mind to listen. Nothing. After an eternity of not sensing anything, I started to panic. Maybe I was a freak among the shifters and I wouldn't be able to communicate with the wild energy or the leopard or whatever it was. Maybe I failed yet again. Maybe my fate was already sealed.
Calm disappeared and my breath hitched. I fought to regain my balance but Carter said, "Let's take a break."
I opened my eyes, startled to see that an hour had passed. An hour lost and I'd gotten no closer to that damn leopard. I covered my face and flopped onto my back on the cushy yoga mats. Carter stretched out on his mats, at ease in the world. I envied him. I rubbed my temples, fighting back an atrocious headache. "Where did you learn to meditate?"
"Picked it up in high school." Carter sighed. "I got picked on a lot, so I studied Jiu Jitsu. The instructors had us practice mindful breathing before and after class, and it kind of stuck."
I sat up to stare at him. "You got picked on? You?"
He remained sprawled across the mat, his eyes closed. "Sure. It got pretty bad."
"I'm surprised your brothers didn't eat them," I said under my breath. The memory of lion Logan roaring and shaking the walls of the house shuddered through me, and my fingers went cold just thinking of it.
"I didn't tell them." Carter sat up to face me, his expression pensive as he rubbed his jaw. "I didn't tell anyone but Benedict, because I knew he wasn't a brawler."
"But they would have —"
"Oh yeah." His smile twitched. "They would have taken on the world for me, without hesitation. I would have been untouchable, protected." He took a deep breath and braced his hands on his knees, looking at me with endearingly hazel eyes. "But then I would have spent the rest of my life knowing I couldn't stand on my own when I needed to. If I ran, Sophia, I never would have stopped running. Right?"
My heart sank. He was right. Completely right. I took a shaky breath, uncertain why my eyes stung with tears. "Well, if —"
"You didn't have anyone to protect you, I'm guessing." Carter leaned to retrieve a fresh towel and handed it to me without comment so I could dab at my cheeks. His head tilted as he studied me. "And you didn't know how to protect yourself. So you ran. That's okay, Sophia. That's what you needed to do to survive."
I stared at the far side of the gym and struggled to hold my emotions back.
Carter frowned down at his hands, giving me privacy as I wiped my cheeks and turned away. "Maybe that's why the seizures started. The leopard tried to protect you when you felt threatened. She took over and got you out of there. Now you just have to reacquaint yourself. Show her you can look after yourself, and that you have family now to help protect you as well." He made a wide gesture that encompassed the entire mansion.
I took a shaky breath and pushed to my feet, needing to move. "So I can control her, if I figure out how to talk to her?"
"Control is... not a good word for it." Carter stood, stretching, but only watched as I paced a wide path through the gym. "You can't really control the animal side, Sophia. Part of the challenge is recognizing and acknowledging that you don't control the animal, but you can still live in harmony, negotiate boundaries. Remaining centered and connected to yourself and your world is vital. Show her she doesn't need to protect you anymore."
"I don't know how to do that." I looked at him and away.
"We'll figure it out." Carter glanced at the clock on the wall, then rearranged the yoga mats. "Stretching to start, then more meditation. Our goal today is for you to sense her presence. That's it."
"I only have three days," I said. My heart jumped to my throat and tension gathered at the base of my neck. "I can't —"
"Sometimes the smallest step can put you miles ahead. But when you try to run a marathon without being able to make a single lap, you're bound to fail. So we start small."
My feet stuck to the floor, my toes curling under as I watched him. His solid confidence stood in stark contrast to Atticus's frenetic energy and intensity. "Can I do this?"
"Yes." He didn't hesitate.
"Okay." I exhaled and tried to center myself as I returned to the mats.