Edgar's words stole my breath like a punch in the chest. I tortured him just by being near him. Everything that might have been peaceful about the house, about him, wisped away and left me adrift. The ache in my stomach from last night only got more intense as he shouted at his brother, and as Logan asked me about my name.
It took all my willpower, and a little extra fortitude from the wolverine as she snarled, to remain upright and calm and talking. To explain rationally and reasonably what the woman alleged. "She heard rumors, probably, that were based on the tiniest seed of truth. The truth is much different, but it's none of her business. Or yours."
The alpha didn't blink, some of his hard edges starting to show. If he thought me a threat, I wouldn't get a chance to finish my list. "Actually, it is my business. So start explaining."
I folded my arms over my chest, trying to protect myself. I would give them everything and get nothing in return but judgment. Already I could see Logan calculating the damage I could do to his family. "A year ago, I wanted to give up on finishing the list. I was exhausted, and I wasn't getting any closer to the end. I wanted something normal, something easy. I found Sam in Texas. He'd been in the program with us, he escaped with us, but left and started his own pack. I just wanted to talk, to get his opinion and maybe his help to find someone on the list, but he asked me to stay. To be his mate."
Edgar sucked in a breath but I couldn't look at him. The deep ache of a bruise paralyzed my chest. Logan didn't blink as I went on. "Sam's gay. He didn't say anything to his pack initially, and as it grew up around him, it became clear that they weren't ready to hear that from him. He was still in the closet, nine years later. He wanted kids, he wanted to stay alpha, and couldn't see a way to do either if he came out. So he asked me to be his prop, his cover." I shook my head, wishing there was a way to make them understand, to make them see. "It would have been easy. I was so tired. And he's a nice guy, a good guy. We tried to make it work, but we were both miserable. He reminded me too much of my mate, of everything I didn't have — and wouldn't have — and I reminded him that he would never get to be with his real mate. The one he really wanted but couldn't have because he was gay."
And with the memory of that misery, as Sam reminded me only of Jake and the gap between what I'd had and what I could have in the future, my heart softened a little toward Edgar. He was right, maybe. It had been torture, eating meals with Sam and wishing he was Jake. Watching movies and wishing he was Jake. Every minute of every day, wishing he was Jake. If that was a sign of things to come, Edgar and I would hate ourselves in under an hour.
Logan frowned at me. "A pack would turn on him for that? Unbelievable."
"Perfectly believable," Ruby said from behind me. I wanted to crawl under the table. No telling how much she heard. But Ruby stood next to me, shoulder-to-shoulder, as we faced the men. "Packs aren't particularly tolerant when you color outside the lines. I still have to kick a couple asses each month to stay alpha, and I'm just female. I'm not gay. I'm impressed he held on as long as he did."
I shrugged, thinking of Sam. "He has a strong personality. A presence. People followed him because he could lead."
"What happened?" Edgar remained a cipher to me, unreadable, as he tilted his head. I wondered if he'd forgotten already what he said, what he shouted at Logan. "Why does she think you destroyed the pack?"
"Because I left. Sam and I agreed it wasn't working, and I took off. I still had Keller hanging over my head, I couldn't sleep and Sam knew I'd never stop looking. When the pack wanted to chase me down and drag me back, Sam finally came out. He did it to protect me." I swallowed the knot in my throat. He was a good friend, and I missed him. Maybe when everything was over, I'd try to find him again. "But when he said he was gay and his true mate was actually one of his betas, the pack splintered. Some immediately challenged him for alpha, others wanted to flat-out kill him, some supported him, others just left. The pack disintegrated, that much is true. But it was because most of them were intolerant assholes."
In the silence that followed, I waited for judgment. Instead, Logan looked at me and said slowly, "Keller? You mean Markus Keller?"
My throat closed and I glanced at Edgar before I remembered I was mostly angry at him. Edgar cleared his throat and leaned against the island. "He's the financier for the experiments. He's the last one on Ivy's list."
"We invested with Markus Keller," Logan said, slow and pained. Like he couldn't believe it. Staring at me like he didn't understand. "A year ago. He needed funds for research on cancer treatments. Gene therapy. Gene — manipulation."
Nausea gripped me and my knees wobbled, I nearly toppled over. Ruby caught me, held me up. My voice came out a croak, more wolf than human. "No. You can't. You couldn't have."
"They did amazing things with skin grafts. Saved a little girl who was burned in a car accident. He said..." Logan trailed off, staring sightlessly past Ruby and me. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't breathe. He gave Keller money. A terrible sound rumbled in the room, grew louder and more intense, until Logan's fists clenched at his sides and a roar tore from his throat that rattled the windows. It knocked me back a step, and Ruby edged a little in front of me.
Edgar tried to shoulder Logan back but the alpha turned, seized the enormous island top — stone or quartz or granite, something impossibly heavy — and hurled it into the cabinets on the other side of the room. Wood splintered, food fell to the floor, the counter cracked into a hundred pieces. Logan roared again, the veins standing out in his throat, his forehead, and Atticus ran in from the porch.
Ruby backed up, pushing me behind her, and moved slowly toward the door. She said under her breath, "We'll wait outside, Edgar. Let me know if you need a hand."
He didn't look back, just waved at her to move faster, and Ruby hustled me out of the kitchen just as another loud crash unsettled the house. Servants and Natalia waited in the hall as Ruby shoved me back. Logan's wife raised her eyebrows. "What the hell is going on in there?"
"Logan." Ruby just shook her head. "I'll explain later. Edgar and Atticus are trying to... reason with him."
More snarling and growling, another series of crashes, and the sound of a body hitting a wall interrupted her. Eloise popped up from behind several maids, her hair in a cloud around her head. "Want me to go in there?"
"No," Ruby and Natalia said in unison, both scowling at the younger woman.
She frowned. "I can slow him down, at least."
Natalia caught sight of me as I leaned against the wall, not trusting myself to stay upright, and looked at Ruby. "Why don't you escort Eloise to the other side of the house, and let Benedict know we need to call the decorator to re-do the kitchen? I'll stay here with Ivy for just a bit."
Ruby didn't blink and even twisted Eloise's arm behind her back to frog-march her away from the continuing crashes and bangs in the kitchen. Natalia reassured the servants and shooed them gently away, laughing about Logan arguing with his brothers, and faced me with her hands on her hips. Her belly looked like it had expanded by a foot even in the last few days. "Okay, honey. Start talking. You look white as a ghost."
I just stared at her, trying to process. They gave Keller money. Funded research. Maybe there were shifter kids locked up at that moment, and Logan's money kept them imprisoned. I could barely force the words out. "He funded the man who took us. Who experimented on us. Logan g-g-gave him m-money..."
My teeth chattered together and nausea surged in my stomach, up my throat, until I choked on bile and regret. Natalia stumbled back, her eyes bright. "He wouldn't. It can't possibly be —"
I went to my knees. Balled my fists up and pressed them against my ears. Wanting to un-hear what he said. To un-know what he'd done.
Another crash, a deeper roar. More desperate. Natalia reached for me, hand trembling. "We should move, honey, it sounds like —"
"Don't cry," a voice rasped next to me, over us, and I looked up to see Edgar. He shook, staring down at me as his control wobbled, and extra arms encircled his chest. A pair of shoes crossed near his waist. Edgar shrugged, tried to get rid of them, and snarled. "Get off me, Carter."
The zen Chase brother, piggyback on Edgar, peered over his shoulder but didn't loosen his grip. "Not until you calm down."
"I'm fine. She's crying. Get off me."
Carter cleared his throat as squealing metal echoed from the kitchen. "Natalia, would you mind checking on Logan and Atticus? It sounds like Logan is still — upset. Your stove might be suffering the consequences."
She wobbled to her feet, hands braced at the small of her back, then wiped her cheeks. "Edgar, I need you to fix this. Do you hear me? Fix it."
He nodded but his eyes never left me, unblinking, and his hands clenched and relaxed, clenched and relaxed. "We have a plan. Keller's dead as soon as we find him. We'll fix it. Make it better."
"Good." She patted his shoulder, then Carter's. Natalia took a deep breath and shook off whatever emotion had paralyzed her, and her voice rang out clear and commanding as she strode into the kitchen. "Logan Chase, put down my cooktop this instant! Why is that ventilation hood on the floor? What did you —"
More grumbling and growling came from the kitchen. I couldn't look away from Edgar, the tears still leaking down my cheeks. My voice cracked. "How much money did he give him?"
"I don't know." Edgar moved his shoulders, scowling at Carter in irritation. "Seriously, Carter. Get off me."
"What are you going to do if I let you go?"
"I'm going to throw you through the fucking window." The lion growled in his voice, more present than the man, and Edgar's nails darkened as they grew. His teeth lengthened, pressed against his lower lip.
"You're scaring her, Edgar." Carter peered at me over his shoulder, widening his eyes when he caught my gaze. Willing me to understand something. "Ivy is frightened and upset because of all the noise and the snarling, and what Logan did. She needs calm and quiet. Don't scare her more, Edgar."
Edgar grumbled, a little subdued but still tense.
I chewed my thumbnail as I tried to interpret Carter's message. I whispered, "I don't like the noise or you throwing things. It's too much."
Edgar nodded. He almost vibrated with the need to reach me, lurching forward a step even with Carter on his back, and held out his hands. "It's okay, Ivy. It's okay."
"You were mean," I said, blinking away more tears. "You said really mean things."
A whine, a mourning cry, escaped his throat. "I'm sorry."
"I understand why you said them." I drew my knees up to my chest and hugged them, hiding my face. "You're a little like torture, too."
Growling started up again in the kitchen, and Atticus called, "Uh, Carter — a little help? I think Logan needs a mantra. Or —"
Another crash and Natalia shouted at him about the fridge. Carter finally released Edgar, staggering a bit as he gained his feet, and ran a hand through his hair. "No, Logan needs tranquilizers. Jesus fuck. Edgar, behave yourself or I swear to God, I will break your legs."
"Keep working on that zen Buddhist act, Carter," Edgar said, but he slapped his brother's shoulder. "Go rescue Atticus."
I stayed curled in on myself as Edgar slid to the floor next to me, leaning back against the wall, and he exhaled in a gust. "I'm sorry, Ivy. It wasn't fair for me to dump all that in the open. It isn't Logan's business. I just wanted him to give us time to... I don't know. Time to figure out what this is, maybe."
My head rested against my knees as I looked at him. "I don't know what this is. Or if we'll have time to find out."
"We can try." He touched my arm where it looped around my knees, trying to tug it away. "We can give it a chance."
I didn't move. "Maybe."
"Come on," he said, shoving to his feet as the shouting in the kitchen grew to a crescendo. "It sounds like Natalia is about to lay down the law, and if we're around to witness it, Logan'll pout for a month."
He pulled me upright and looped his arm around my waist, and I let myself lean into him for a long walk through the mansion.