Dani was still shaking as she traipsed back across central Birmingham to her apartment, her head throbbing from pent-up rage, but also from immense remorse.
Of course she understood the seriousness of the situation. A man had lost his life. Was that because of her actions? Well, yes, if she hadn’t chased him he would more than likely still be alive.
Why had she decided to chase him like that? Why hadn’t she called for backup? It was true that there were many things she could have done differently in the situation. That still didn’t mean she didn’t feel aggrieved at the way the force had seemingly turned against her at the first opportunity. Had McNair ever wanted Dani back on the team at all?
By the time she arrived home, Dani was all out of ideas as to where she went from here. What she did know was that she was hungry, thirsty and tired. Her only thought about what to do next was to go inside and eat and drink herself into delirium, to curl up into a little ball and lock herself away from the world like she had done for months. There was no doubt she’d come to find a certain safety and calm in solitude.
Dani bought a sandwich, two packets of crisps, three chocolate bars, two bottles of fruit cider and two bottles of white wine from the corner shop, then made her way up the stairs to her apartment, wryly telling herself that she may as well burn a few calories first. It was barely midday but once inside she poured a bottle of cider into a pint glass half filled with ice and took a big gulp, then went and sat down in the lounge to finish off the food.
It didn’t take her long. Not long after, she relaxed back into the sofa, in silence, staring out of the window at the sky, greying as a storm approached.
‘Where do we go from here, Dani?’ she said, then let out a mocking laugh. ‘Great, and now you’re talking to yourself again, you mad woman.’
Front and centre in Dani’s mind was genuine sorrow and guilt over the death of Dean Harland, not to mention the other people caught up in the mess who would be scarred, both mentally and physically. Yet she also felt hurt and betrayed, and angry. Strangely, the one person she was feeling herself pushed closer to in that moment was someone who had hurt and betrayed her more than anyone else. She really didn’t know why, but after she’d finished her first bottle of cider she picked up the phone and called the prison.
Of course there was no prospect of either seeing or speaking with Ben that day, but with an appointment to see her brother after the weekend, and little else to do for the rest of the day, Dani fixed herself another drink.
Hours later she was still sitting and sipping in silence when the doorbell rang. She groaned, got up and headed to the hall. She looked on the intercom monitor and saw Jason. She thought about not answering, but really she was intrigued. He was like a boomerang.
‘What do you want?’ Dani asked, pressing the speaker button.
He held up a hand gripping a bottle of vodka. Grey Goose at that.
‘Come on up,’ Dani said.
‘It was a shitty thing to happen,’ Jason said.
They were sitting on opposite sofas in the lounge, both holding onto a tumbler of neat vodka with ice. Their third.
‘You know what, I really don’t want to talk about it,’ Dani said. ‘I did what I thought was right.’
Jason said nothing.
‘What’s going on with the case?’ Dani asked. ‘I’m guessing you’ve been put on it instead of me now.’
‘Fletcher’s going to be off any day. McNair needed another DI.’
‘What about DCI Fairclough and the Organised Crime lot?’
‘To be honest, he’s not really too interested. He didn’t know of Reeve or Harland or Ethan Grant, said they must only have been small players. He’s doing what he can to look into people who may have known Reeve or Harland, but so far he’s not given us anything useful.’
‘So where’s the investigation headed?’
Jason screwed his face, like he’d been asked a hugely inappropriate personal question.
‘Maybe we should drop the work talk. Take your mind off it.’
‘Whatever. But I want to know what’s going on still. It’s my case. There’s at least one murderer out there and it matters to me that we catch them.’
Jason didn’t respond to that, and Dani decided to drop it. The truth was, for once she did feel better having him there. At least this time he wasn’t criticising her drinking, and it was surely better to have company for a change than talking to herself.
The day passed by in a blur, and even after darkness had arrived Dani and Jason remained sitting and chatting. With the vodka bottle nearly empty and blood alcohol levels soaring, both Dani and Jason had warmed up, the talk between them more natural and open once they’d decided to leave policing problems aside, and with no mention of Dani’s other problems.
‘Damn, look at the time,’ Jason said, glancing at his watch. ‘I really should be going.’
‘Are you sure? You can stay longer.’
‘My last train was ten minutes ago.’
‘There’s a taxi rank over the other side of the canal, towards Brindley Place,’ Dani said. ‘Or if you can’t make it that far, you can have the spare bed.’
She was glad she’d managed to say the word ‘spare’, rather than ‘your’, even if he was the only person to have ever slept there.
Jason thought for a few moments. ‘No, I think I’ve probably had plenty.’
‘Fair enough. Probably about time for bed then.’
Dani caught the awkward look Jason gave her and she smiled.
‘I didn’t mean the same bed,’ she said. ‘The spare room is all yours, though, if you want.’
‘No, thanks, best to just get a taxi and get home. Busy day tomorrow.’
Unlike Dani, who now had nothing to do. They didn’t say anything more and both wobbled to their feet then made their way to the front door. Jason slipped on his shoes.
‘I know I’m not a shrink,’ he said, ‘but I am a good listener. If you ever want to talk…’
‘I know, Jason.’
‘I know it’s not the best timing, but I’m glad we did this.’
Dani sighed. This was what she’d wanted for a long time. Just to be able to start over, with no talk of their past life together. Why had it taken such a shitty turn of events at work for it to happen?
‘I’m glad we did it too,’ Dani said. ‘You’re always there for me when I need you.’
‘I’d do anything for you, Dani. You know that.’
Jason looked at her with a twinkle in his eye. She was alert enough to know she was pissed, that the alcohol was clouding her better judgment, yet she didn’t break the eye contact.
A short but awkward silence followed, and then Jason leaned forwards. Dani didn’t react or move at all as he planted a kiss onto her lips. He moved back to look into her eyes. Still she didn’t break eye contact. He came back for another attempt. He closed his eyes. She closed hers. Their lips touched.
No. This wasn’t what she wanted. Not now. Not tonight. Not like this.
‘Jason, stop,’ Dani said, moving her lips away from his, but a moment later he was kissing her neck gently.
‘Jason, for fuck’s sake, I said stop!’ Dani yelled.
She hauled her knee up and crashed it into Jason’s groin, then shoved him away as hard as she could. He shouted out in pain and stumbled back, tripping over his own legs and landing on the floor with a thud.
‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ he shouted.
‘Me? What the hell is wrong with you? The one time I just wanted you to be here for me, Jason. And you try to kiss me!’
‘You kneed me in the balls!’
Dani held a hand to her head, exasperated. ‘Jason please… I can’t do this.’
He clambered to his feet, his hands cradling his groin. His face was lined with anger. He grabbed his coat.
‘I know you’re not the same person you used to be,’ he said, the anger in his voice clear, ‘and maybe you’ll never be her again, but it’s about time you opened your eyes, accepted it and just got on with your life.’
‘That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.’
‘Sometimes I have to wonder, though, is it really the head injury that’s made you into… this?’
Dani said nothing, just shook her head. Jason huffed, opened the door and stormed out.
Slamming the door shut, Dani slid down the wall to the floor. Only then did the emotion of the day finally catch up with her. Tears cascaded down her face. She wondered if they’d ever stop.