“I don’t know, you seem peculiar,” John confesses as he looks at me with his no- nonsense stare.
“You know me well enough to determine if I’m behaving differently?” I challenge him.
“I know you pretty well,” he argues. “We’ve been working together for months.”
“You know what I’m like on screen. Besides, it’s not like we hang out together,” I say dryly.
He shrugs. “All right. Try to find your old self by the time you get on screen today. We’ll add some escalating drama for the interns. We’re in the final few weeks. We need to intensify things to maintain the ratings.”
“I don’t check ratings,” I reply. “I can’t say I care enough.”
“Well, you really should start watching the show. You’ve got a few episodes to catch up on. You could do it in a night if you wanted to,” John says cheerfully. He gives me a few more tips before leaving, and I’m immediately relieved when he does.
I know John. He will eat up the fact that I slept with Kayla and won’t hesitate if he has the chance to get any of it on film. He’s right. My behavior was out of the ordinary. The fact of the matter is that I’m utterly infatuated with Kayla. I can’t get her off my mind. And I don’t want to get her off my mind.
I’m not sorry for having sex with her, not in the least. But it was a mistake. I will not be caught up in a relationship with a contestant from the show, especially not a woman who’s thirteen years my junior. Though, I have to admit, at twenty-four years old she demonstrates a lot of technique.
She may be wise beyond her years, but that doesn’t change the fact that it could turn into a scandal. I don’t want that for either of us. No, as tough as it will be, we have to stop this before it gets more complicated, which means we’re going back to the way it was before.
I won’t be Mr. Nice Guy anymore.
“No, Miss Grid, I’m afraid that’s incorrect. You’re losing your edge, is there any particular reason why?” I ask. The cameras are rolling and it’s clear by John’s expression that he’s thrilled with the drama that’s now unfolding. Kayla looks at me, astonished. She’s not sure how to handle the change in my disposition toward her, and she’s visibly hurt by it.
But I feel I don’t have a choice. I need to keep her at arm’s length no matter how badly I want to pull her closer. I can’t entertain thoughts of us being together when there’s no way it could happen. She’ll finish the series and return home to Chicago. I’ll go back to the life I’ve known for the past five years.
This was only a fling. It’s something I can live with, but can’t continue.
“And, break!” John says at last. All the interns look relieved. Though there are only a few of them left on the show, they’re incredibly stressed. I’m still thinking Kayla will walk away as the champion. All of them hope they will win. Every week each one advances further, and the competition is high.
There is always a break in shooting halfway through the day as John reviews some of the events. Sometimes he wants to go back and expand on certain elements, other times he tells someone to vary what they are doing altogether. The one thing I hate about reality TV is how staged it is.
Kayla makes eye contact with me as soon as we are free to talk, but I ignore her. I turn and head for my office, eager to get out of the same room she’s in. I refuse to look over my shoulder in spite of the fact I feel her eyes on me, and glancing in the reflection of a window, I see a look of confusion on her face.
I feel like such an asshole. She must be terribly confused by the situation, but there’s no way I can talk to her about it. She obviously thought we’d be closer than ever, but with the wall I have to put up, she’ll feel intensely rejected.
“Royce, Royce!” John calls out as he catches up to me in the hall. He’s the last person I want to talk to right now. Well, besides Kayla. I pause for him to catch up to me. “I don’t know what the hell you’re doing, but keep it up. The viewers will love the sudden change in your dynamic with Kayla. It’ll be the talk of the media!”
I’m not really listening to what he says until he brings up the fact that it’s changing the dynamic. I stare at him with raised eyebrows. “What do you mean, it’ll change our dynamic?”
“Oh come on, you don’t have to watch the show to know that the two of you are known for your flirting. It’s been going on for weeks, and trust me, the audience loves it!” John comments, elation in his voice.
“Actually, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say coldly.
He shakes his head. “Ever the professional, right? That’s okay, it’ll help a lot with the sudden change. Picture this! The young, naïve intern who falls in love with the charming doctor is suddenly given a different message.”
A pang rings through my chest. I feel like a bigger jerk than I did before. Admittedly, I have been friendlier with Kayla than I probably should, but I couldn’t help it at the time. I’m not convinced I can help it even now. It’ll be torture to put Kayla and myself through this. It will be worse knowing the entire world is watching this unfold.
“I’m glad you’re happy with how things are going. Excuse me; I have a few things to do before we start shooting again,” I articulate. I want to get away from him as soon as possible, though I have to admit talking to him keeps Kayla away.
“Yes, yes, get it done! Actually, we’re taking a surprise turn with the contestants to see how they handle a local clinic rather than something this intense. Think of it as a genius who can’t tie his own shoes,” John says as he clasps his hands together.
“You’re giving me a free afternoon? That will work great for me. I could use it to catch up on other issues.”
“Great! I’ll let you go and see you tomorrow,” he says enthusiastically. I can’t imagine having that kind of personality, but am relieved knowing I don’t have to see Kayla that afternoon.
“Great,” I grumble. “Have a good day.”
I step into my office before he goes off on another subject, closing the door behind me. I lean against the door for a few moments, trying to gather my thoughts, and sigh. I can’t get Kayla’s look out of my mind, or forget the day before when I had her on top of my desk. I’m as baffled as she is, though I know it’s the right decision.
I have to ignore the feelings spinning in my mind and focus on getting through the series. Kayla is young and beautiful. She’ll forget about me and move on as soon as we’re through. It will not be easy for either of us, but it’s worth it in the long run.
I can’t think about it. I’ve got to move on.
After all, this is the right thing to do, isn’t it?