“Come on, Kayla, you’ve got to focus! What’re you doing, babe?” John asks with a clap of his hands. I hate that we’ve gone to a local clinic to shoot this afternoon. I wish Royce had come along too.
“A common mistake many doctors make is thinking a patient exists who is below their skill level and pay grade. A good physician is willing to treat anyone, no matter what the problem is. Do your best to cure someone,” the doctor bellows to all of us.
I’m having a difficult time concentrating on what he’s saying and what they want us to do for the episode. They give us directions, but I feel as if I’m messing up. Royce won’t get off my mind. There must be a reason why he pulled back so abruptly, but for the life of me, I can’t comprehend what.
Things were great the day before. I never thought I’d actually have sex with him, but it seemed he was just as eager to do it as I was. There was a lot of sexual tension between us, even today, as he was being finicky with me again. I don’t know what to think, and it’s consuming all my energy.
“All right, it’s time to move on. Who can tell me the sequence of admitting a patient? This is basic knowledge, people, you should know this,” the doctor says, making eye contact with all of us. I know the answer, but for some reason I can’t articulate it. My tongue is tied, and for the life of me no words will come out.
Another intern raises their hand, and the doctor calls on him. I listen in embarrassment as he gives the correct answer. Unbelievably, I just let the opportunity pass by. Back at the hospital, I feel like the star of the show. But here, I feel almost out of my element. Is it because Royce isn’t here? There’s no doubt he’ll learn about this. John has a way of spreading news faster than a high school teenager.
The afternoon drags on; every hour ticking by is pure agony. Not only am I more quiet than usual but when I get called out, I say the wrong things. Small mistakes here and there but enough to notice. I’m fumbling; I want to break down and cry; and I’d like to disappear. I feel like this is my first day all over again. I want nothing more than to lock myself in the dorm and forget.
That’s it; I’m going to talk to Royce.
***
“Okay, I think overall it went all right.” John evaluates with a grin as we pack into the vans. “Some of you surprised me. Some in a good way, others in a less than thrilled sort of way. I will not disclose the names. Let’s say some of you stepped up to the plate today while others nearly struck out. It will be interesting to see what happens at this week’s elimination.”
I cringe, knowing he’s referring to me. To make matters worse, I know he’s right. I can’t say I did my best this afternoon. I tried, but managed not to come through. Not for myself, anyway. By the way John is behaving, there’s no denying he’s content with how the day ended.
Ratings; that’s all he cares about.
“Everyone can return to the hospital then go back to your quarters. There is nothing else to do here today. Any questions?” John inquires, looking around the room. You can hear a pin drop. John is intimidating. Most of the time, he is repulsed by the questions we ask. Quickly, we figured out to check with the studio rather than talk to him directly.
“Great! We’ve reached an understanding. You can relax this evening,” he says as he motions to a van. We pile in, but I hold back to get the closest seat to the window to get lost in my own thoughts.
The van door closes and we’re off. I’m glad everyone else gets the hint. I’ve noticed they’re reacting differently toward me. It feels as if they’re holding back after Royce spoke to me this morning, as if they can sense there is something unusual.
I remember what Monique told me before she left. Everyone thinks something is going on between us. Now that we’ve had sex, I am inclined to think they noticed our relationship more than I realized. It seems they know better than to comment, but I am certain there will be gossip once we part.
The ride to the hospital is a quiet one. No one has much to say after the afternoon. I have an impression no one is happy with their performance at the clinic. I hope we don’t have to deal with that again. To be honest, in retrospect, no one did as well as they could have.
There’s no doubt in my mind that this episode will be the talk of the internet when it finally airs, the only thing John desires. For the ratings, he’ll put us through as much drama as he can. I also dread think that he’ll get wind of the fact there is something going on with Royce and me, and he’ll start playing on that as well.
Things like this, I need to disregard. As we pull into the parking lot, I unfasten my seatbelt, eager to get out of the van and back inside as soon as possible. I need to catch Royce; I have to talk to him. I’m prepared it will not go well. No matter what he says to me, I will not break down and cry.
Royce likes people who can hold their composure even when they are dealing with stress. I am an adult. I can handle the truth, no matter what it is. Certainly, I’m not looking forward to it, and my anxiety is through the roof pondering what he will say, but we need to get it out in the open.
I can’t go through another day like today. It’s tough for me to focus, and if I don’t get myself together, I’ll be facing elimination.
I dash though the hall toward Royce’s office. He’s always there after the taping. Curiously, he didn’t go with us to the clinic. He’s probably doing some paperwork or balancing his schedule with the series and his own TV show. He manages both, along with life-saving surgeries, and it makes me admire him all the more.
“Doctor, can I have a minute?” I ask, knocking on the door to his office. There’s no answer, so I knock again, this time a little louder.
“He’s not here,” the secretary remarks from her desk. “He left about fifteen minutes ago.”
“Is he coming back today?” I feel he deliberately left before we got back. He’s avoiding me, and I don’t understand why.
“I doubt it. When he leaves in the afternoon, it’s rare for him to return. Won’t you see him in the morning?” she quizzes.
“Yes, there was just something I need to talk to him about,” I say. She gives me a look and I quickly add, “Certainly, it can wait until tomorrow.”
She seems satisfied. I wish there was a way for me to find him. I don’t know where he lives, and he only gave me the number to his work phone, something he only answers during the day. There’s no way for me to reach him, so I’m just going to have to wait until morning.
I decide to go back to my room and concentrate on my books, though it’s something I need to wrestle up. I’m thinking about the day before and how cheerful I was leaving his office, then compare it to the gloom I’m experiencing now.
This has become rather complicated, and I need to figure out a way to clean up the mess.
It all begins with talking to Royce.