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"Tony, that was sweet of your friend to lend you his car for the afternoon," Mo told him as he drove toward the Mooneys.
Tony snorted. "Swapping vehicles was a necessity. We don't want the Mooneys to know what we're driving. I saw a brand new package of Pointy permanent markers on Shirlene's desk. Can you imagine what they'd do to my truck with those? The markers looked like a box of crayons, which is all they should be allowed in my opinion."
"Speaking of packages, what happened to the original plan you described? Not that it would have changed my mind about getting married by Shirlene, but when did they decide themes were necessary?" Mo asked.
"Shirlene said the traditional theme market was over-saturated, so they had to widen their scope and offer different choices."
"Do I even want to know what those choices are?"
"No, but I'll tell you anyway." Tony thought for a few seconds, trying to recall the various themes from the huge binder Shirlene handed him the previous day. "They offer outer space, nature, western, gospel, and new age themes. I know there's more but I don't remember them."
"Thank you, I've heard enough! I'm sure we got the leftovers."
"Shirlene called it a combo package," Tony corrected.
"Trust me on this," Mo insisted. "I worked for Eugene, remember?"
Tony didn't reply as he slowed down at the intersection that led to the Mooney property. He and Mo both rubbernecked as they turned the corner where a huge sign was posted. "Moose and Tiny" was hand written on a piece of poster board and duct taped to a portable (stolen) traffic sign with an arrow. It was planted in an urn so it could be moved when the wedding was over.
"Well, this is a surprise," Mo said. "And why is there so much traffic?"
He shrugged. "Shirlene offered to send out a 'Wed-n-Text' to fill the seats, but I declined."
"She must have been overcome by the package of new markers. Was she sniffing them when you met with her?"
"Mo, I had no idea she would go ahead with some of this stuff." He gave her a worried look. "I didn't know about the sign. I printed our names very clearly for her."
"I'm sure you did. Your printing is not the problem. The fact that most of the Mooneys can't spell is the real issue."
"Uh, Mo? Do you think we could just pretend it's spelled right?" Tony asked as they neared the Mooney compound.
Mo's eyes did a number of things. They fluttered, twitched, rolled, and narrowed. It wasn't a good sign, and she replied to Tony's stupid question, "Sure. I don't have a problem with it as long as your self-esteem can take it."
Tony's head turned quickly. "What do you mean?"
She widened her eyes. "Do you really want people wondering which one you are- Moose or Tiny?" She grinned as a look of realization passed over his face, followed by one of offense. They both rocked forward in the car when he slammed on the brakes. Cars behind them honked, so he parked on the side of the road to let them pass.
"That could be a problem," he admitted, sounding testy.
"Either one it puts you under embarrassing scrutiny." Soon Mo was giggling, and she pointed to a couple of the hounds running around with plastic neck cones. "I'm going with outer space. What do you think, Tiny?"
"I don't think it's funny," he grumbled.
"You're absolutely right, Moose," Mo teased.
"How can you laugh about it?"
"How can you not laugh? Besides, what else can we do?" she asked. "Oh, wait! Tony, I want to go to our wedding."
"You're kidding! After seeing that sign?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want to attend as a guest. We should at least see what we paid for, right? I never expected I'd have dogs in my wedding. Now I want to see what the combo package really is."
"I think it's a bad idea," he replied. "Besides, there won't be a wedding without a bride and groom."
"We can still have a seat," Mo insisted. "It will be like a talent show, Tony, only without the talent. I'm sure the Mooneys are wandering around in costumes. Come on!" Mo unbuckled her seat belt and climbed out of the car. Tony reluctantly did the same and Mo said, "Next time you take the weedy side. I know what those hounds are capable of doing and I don't want to be the offensive guest. Plus, I like these shoes."
The corners of Tony's eyes crinkled when he smiled at Mo. "You're especially pretty today," he told her. She wore a white tiered blouse, made of soft fabric and a light floral print skirt that floated and swirled with each step. Her shoes were light flats because she was afraid to wear heels to the Mooney property.
She took Tony's arm as they walked the short distance down the road to the driveway. "And you are very handsome," she said with a sigh of admiration. Tony wore a light blue oxford shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow and pressed khaki slacks. Mo was soon distracted by the hodgepodge set up in the yard and she gave him a serious look. "Even without the sign, I'm afraid this just would never have worked, Tony."
"Why?"
"I forgot the Oreos," she said solemnly. They approached a gate and waited in line enter. She whispered, "I wonder if they use a clicker to count heads and then lock the gate? What's so funny?" Being short, Mo couldn't see ahead to the Mooney welcoming the guests.
"You'll see."
The greeter handed them each a plastic flyswatter. 'Moose and Tiny,' plus the date was scrawled in marker on the swatters. "A thank you favor from the bride and groom," he said as he ushered them through. Mo waited for him to holler Next! as he gave her a dirty look for slowing up the line when she stopped in horror at his words.
Tony tugged her arm, and she hissed, "Tony, how much did you pay for these?"
He looked confused and shrugged. "Those weren't on the menu," he insisted.
Mo gave a sniff of doubt. "It's a good thing for you I'm a wealthy woman, Anthony Reese, or you wouldn't be able to afford these lavish thank you gifts." She waved hers at him and the end flew off. "Then again..." She traded with him and batted her lashes. "For the memory book."
"This isn't funny," he said.
Mo looked at the stick he held and agreed. "I'd take it back for one that's not broken. You might need it if you're sitting near the weeds or the food tables."
"You're enjoying my mistake, aren't you?" he accused.
"More than I ever imagined." She dimpled at him as an usher approached and asked them on which side they preferred to sit. He wore jeans, and a cigarette themed T-shirt, with a red bandanna tied around his head. Mo buried her face in Tony's arm, while she left him to answer with a straight face.
"Traitor," Tony whispered as he led her to a row near the back.
"Oh, the plastic chairs are new," Mo mumbled. "Business must be good. Hey, what's that sound?"
"I don't know what they are, but they look dangerous," Tony replied in a quiet voice.
Mo realized the noise came from above and she looked up to see kitchen utensils tied to wire hangers and strung on a line crisscrossing the seating area. "Those must be the New Age theme, like wind chimes. Wait! Those utensils are metal and we got plastic swatters?"
"Just be glad we aren't sitting there." Tony nodded with his head and Mo had another horrifying moment when she saw a hanger with rusty sharp knives, tied point down, swinging across the aisle.
"That would be the in-laws section," Mo whispered as a hush fell over the guests. They turned to see Shirlene make her way to the front platform made of pallets, wearing what appeared to be a white graduation gown. From the sides women joined Shirlene and stood near the back of the makeshift stage. They also wore gowns, but theirs were purple. "They must be the Gospel part of the combo."
Both Tony and Mo jumped when Shirlene banged a hammer on her podium and announced, "Well, it appears the bride and groom are a little tardy. We'll just go ahead and start without them and catch them up when they arrive."
"It sounds like an auction is about to begin." Mo elbowed Tony and raised her brows.
Tony whispered under his breath, "If we had a flat tire we'd have missed our own wedding. Shirlene wasn't kidding when she said two sharp! The choir began humming The Wedding March and two Mooney boys walked down the aisle.
"Western." Mo pointed at the cowboy hats and feed bags they wore around their necks, from which they threw handfuls of peanut shells on the walkway. One of the boys enthusiastically tossed them in the air while the other stopped every few feet to eat one of the peanuts that made it into the bag by accident. After the boys reached the front, they separated, and the choir wrapped up. Then Shirlene took over. A half hour later, Mo had to say Shirlene preached a rousing sermon. It wasn't much in the way of wedding ceremonies, but the sinners were squirming in the hot plastic chairs. To be fair, everyone was squirming by then and Mo wondered if the guests thought it was really worth the free meal.
"Well, normally this is where the happy couple says I do, but I guess we'll skip to the end." Mo waited for applause and was disappointed when Shirlene cleared her throat and the guests sat at attention. Shirlene looked down at a paper, then announced, "Moose and Tiny warmly welcome you to join them... us... for a mid-day treat. Oh- don't forget to bring your chair." The choir started a rousing, hand clapping, foot stomping Gospel song and after that moving ceremony, some of the guests jumped up and shouted, "Amen!" and "Praise the lord!"
"Please tell me they don't have a slimy pool or she'll start baptizing the sinners," Tony grumbled.
Mo wiped the tears from her face and Tony added, "And now we know who is responsible for the wrong names. How could she blow it?"
"Seriously? Tony, you don't really believe she earned the right to that graduation gown, do you? I wonder if it was stolen or bought at a thrift store?" Mo whispered.
After Shirlene and the choir walked up the aisle, the guests followed carrying their white plastic chairs. Mo lingered, reluctant to see what was being served. Tony teased that she was the one who wanted to attend as a guest.
"Come on, Mo. Let's see what's on the menu."
"I'm afraid that will be the Nature portion," Mo warned. "And if nature isn't disguised as food, then I guarantee the flies..."
"What's wrong?"
Mo turned a stunned face in his direction. "Did you hear that couple? Tony, someone was found dead at the new fitness center? Why didn't anyone call me?"
Tony took Mo by the arm again and walked her to the exit. "Because Minnow insisted."
"You knew?" Mo stopped, and he had to pull her arm to get her moving toward the car.
"Yes, I knew. Even if I hadn't received a text from work, Marc texted to let me know. Someone killed Tabby last night, Mo, after everyone left."
"Oh, how awful!" He hesitated and Mo turned back to ask, "What aren't you telling me?"
"Minnow's been arrested."
"What! How could you keep that from me?"
"Mo, that was Minnow's request," he said firmly, glad they reached the car so they could talk without being overheard.
"Tony, we almost got married today."
"Hey, don't sound so disapproving," he protested.
"I didn't mean it like that. It's just with Minnow in jail, and Tabby... I don't even want to say it. We should go see Minnow and Marc."