CHAPTER
THIRTY
Observation #83:
Sometimes happiness comes very unexpectedly.
It is perfect in every way. When it turns cold, Dad lights a fire in the fire pit. We all snuggle together in rugs and even a few tiny stars make an appearance. At one point, we all get worried as Gran starts to choke on an olive. But then we realize that the chokes were really laughter and she’s had us all fooled.
“Gran,” I scold her, “don’t do that. It’s naughty.”
“I’m eighty. I can be naughty if I want. Now, where are those little puffy things? I like them.”
We’re all watching in fascination as Gran eats something.
“Will you stop looking? I’m not an exhibit in a zoo,” she huffs.
“Alice says that she’s never seen you eat before,” Lauren says, only visible by her two eyes peering out from a mountain of cushions.
Gran sighs. “Alice can mind her own business.”
The cushions erupt as Lauren catapults upward. “Hurray!”
“What on earth is the matter with you?” Gran asks.
Lauren capers round the garden, a blanket trailing like a cape after her. “You said Alice was real, you said Alice was real,” she repeats in triumph.
“I think it’s time for you to go to bed,” I say, but she sticks out her bottom lip mutinously.
“Let the child stay,” Gran says, “as long as someone fills up my glass.”
I should be studying. I should be checking out more responses to my post. But I decide that just for one evening, I’m better off here.
Eventually, the light fades, the conversation dulls, Lauren falls asleep and Gran complains of the cold. Dad helps her back upstairs and Mum, Cat and I start to tidy up.
A while later, in my room, I check my mail and see how my post is doing. Imogen is in a happy meltdown as she tells me about global reach and the most number of hits she’s ever had. Apparently, I have to start my own blog or YouTube account. She has a vision for me! I enjoy her enthusiasm and like the fact that so many people seem to have read and mostly liked what I wrote. But I think I’ve had enough time going viral. The clip was one false version of me; this was nearer the truth but it was still an artificial version. It was my best, most coherent and thoughtful me. But no one can be like that all the time. I just want to be Jess for a while. No drama, no diets.
Just as I’m thinking about whether to chat to Hannah, her name glows on my phone. I accept the call, and at first, all I get is a torrent of words. “Calm down, Hannah, what’s going on?”
“Oh my God, Zara is having a meltdown!”
Turns out that Matt has left. Left school, left home, left Zara and gone to London to join a boy band. A BOY BAND! Mr. Cool. Mr. I-love-your-dad’s-music-he’s-so-authentic. Just gone.
“And why’s Zara lost it? Isn’t she happy that he’s going on to great and glorious things?”
“No, cos he dumped her first and said he didn’t want to be tied down.”
I suck in my breath. “He’d better watch out. If he does become famous, then she’ll sell her story to the papers as quickly as you can say gold digger.” I think about it a bit longer. “But that’s mean though.”
Hannah’s voice gets a bit high-pitched. “It’s Zara. Don’t be nice to Zara. And don’t even think about being nice about Matt. I know you liked him but he’s left the band without a singer. Alex has gone all moody. They’ve got loads of gigs lined up but now they’ve got no singer.”
I sympathize, but really, a very different thought is in my mind. I end the call to Hannah. My fingers hover over the keyboard. This is the perfect opportunity to text Alex. I’ve been waiting for him to ask me out for coffee. I’ve been on the verge of doing it myself a thousand times. But something’s held me back. I suppose I got it so wrong with Matt that I’m scared to put my heart out there just again.
In the end, I go for a text. I reread and reread. X or no x? Too cheesy? I tweak and retweak and then I just send.
I wait.
It’s getting late.
Surely, he’ll respond.
He’s supposed to like me.
But while my phones buzzes from time to time, Alex’s name never appears.
I am an idiot when it comes to boys. He’s not that into me at all. Not sure how much more rejection my ego can take. Time to sleep.
The moment I wake in the morning, I grab my phone. Still nothing from Alex. I swear not to look at my phone again, but I constantly check on the way to school and as much as I can in lessons without getting caught.
Lunchtime. Finally. Alex.
Heart pounding, I’m about to answer straight away but then I remember that he’s kept me waiting for twelve hours precisely. So at the very least, I can keep him waiting for twelve minutes. But he answers. And he wants coffee. And I want coffee, too. The world suddenly goes all sparkly again.
“What are you smiling about?” Izzie slumps down next to me.
“Oh, nothing,” I say.
“What kind of nothing?”
I peer around. No Hannah. I don’t want to tell her as that might be weird. “I’m going for a coffee with Alex,” I say.
Izzie looks cross. “Alex?”
“That’s what I said.”
“But you liked Matt?”
Now it’s my turn to look cross. “I was an idiot. At the party, Alex tried to kiss me and now he wants to meet up.”
I am clearly not speaking the same language as Izzie as now she says, “What do you mean he tried to kiss you?”
Exasperated, I start to wind her up. “Well, I don’t know if you know what kissing is but when a boy and girl like each other … well, if a girl and girl like each other … hang that, two boys can do it, too …”
“Why didn’t I know this before?”
I stare at her. “Why are you being weird? I’m telling you now.”
“Okay.” But her shrug annoys me. Why do I get the feeling that she’s not telling me something? “When are you meeting him?”
“I was going to meet him after school but we’ve not sorted out the details yet.”
Now she really is cross. “But you said that you’d help me review that topic in Chemistry. You know I can’t do it and we’ve got a test tomorrow.”
I feel my date with Alex slipping away from me. “I did say that, but do we have to do it this afternoon?”
“Jesobel Jones, have we not always promised that we would not be the kind of girls who dump friends for a boyfriend?”
I nod. It’s true, we have.
“So, Alex or me?”
I sigh. “You, of course. I’ll meet him later.”
The sparkliness of the situation has been rather tarnished. But it’s true, I did promise and I keep my word. Time to text back. Anyway, I’m sure it won’t matter if it’s a bit later.
But apparently, it does. Alex is rehearsing later so he can’t make the time I suggest.
And that’s it. He’s gone, and I feel strangely alone.
After studying with Izzie, I still feel strange. Yes, I’ve been a good friend. But being morally virtuous can leave you hollow, so I eat a very large slice of cake when I get home.
“Right, you’re coming running with me.” Cat appears from behind the fridge door like the Ghost of Food Past. “You’ll need to run for an hour to burn that off.”
“What if I don’t want to burn it off? What if I want to watch TV all evening?”
“Then you’ll die of heart failure.” She stares at me eating.
“Go away. You’re putting me off my food.”
“That is precisely the plan. You were doing so well. I hate to see you backsliding.”
I’ve had enough. “You leave me to eat my carb, sugar and fat festival in peace and I’ll run for thirty minutes with you.”
“Forty-five.”
“Thirty-seven and a half minutes. That’s my last offer.”
“Fine.” She starts to slouch off. “But I’ll throw in some conditioning to finish off.”
A while later, Cat and I are pounding the streets again. One day I might learn to run in a pretty way, all swinging ponytail and pert bum. But not today. I’m still going for the red face and unsightly sweat marks. I read that being authentic is all the rage. I run in a very authentic way, or so I like to tell myself.
We run through the park, along the high street and then up past the church hall. It’s where Alex’s band rehearses. I think about going to say hello but then remember the sweat patches and rethink that idea very quickly. Let’s be fair, if someone is turned on by your sweat patches, it’s probably not the sign of a long and loving relationship. Or maybe …
But my silly thoughts are interrupted. Two people are standing outside the hall door framed in light. One is tall and slim and he’s very close to a girl next to him. She’s got long, black, straight, gleaming hair.
It’s Alex.
And that’s Izzie.
And then they hug, haloed in the light. And they don’t let go.
My legs keep running on while my mind tries to process this. So, that’s why she was cross with me? She likes Alex and was trying to put me off. She pulled the friend card. She made me cancel my date. Lots of words to describe her whizz round my mind and none of them are very pleasant.
“Jess?” Cat says.
“What?” I shoot back.
“Is something the matter?”
“No.” I just keep running.
“Only, you look like something’s bothering you.”
“I just keep realizing how stupid I am on a daily basis.”
“Oh,” is all Cat manages.
“Yes, oh.”
She slows down a bit. “Is it the kind of nothing that might feel better by binge-watching a TV show and eating carbs?”
“It wouldn’t hurt,” I admit and we head for home.
But I know that whatever I watch, all I’ll see for the rest of the night is Izzie in Alex’s arms.
Exactly where I want to be.