CHAPTER NINE

Access Denied

I was gasping for breath by the time I skidded to a stop at Grandpa’s front door. My hands were shaking as I slid the key into the lock. But, when I went to turn it, it wouldn’t budge. I twisted harder, double-checked that I had the right key – it was no good. I couldn’t get in.

I rang the bell and banged on the door with my fists. No answer.

‘Grandpa! It’s me! I’m here!’ I shouted through the letterbox.

That’s when I saw something inside moving towards me. But it definitely wasn’t Grandpa. It was much too big. The door swung open.

‘Hiii-eeeee!’ said Auntie Uzma like nothing at all was wrong.

‘Where’s Grandpa? Why doesn’t my key work? Why are you back so early?’ I blurted it out all at once, still gasping for breath.

‘Don’t you worry, Humza,’ said Auntie Uzma with a weird smile. ‘Your uncle is going to be just fine. But he has overdone it lately with all his outings and now he must rest.’

‘He seemed fine,’ I replied. ‘Actually, he was more alive than I’d ever seen him.’

‘Well, you have obviously tired him out then. What have you two been up to exactly?’ she asked, her eyes narrowing with suspicion.

‘Uh, nothing. Magic tricks mainly,’ I answered as fast as I could.

‘Well, there will be no more of that. He needs to rest, so you must go home. Here …’ she said, and reached over to a table by the door to pick up a large plate of sweet, sticky jalebis. ‘For your mother. Tell her she has to eat it all. She is still so skinny!’

I accepted the plate of fried treats and backed away from the door. There was no sign of Grandpa in any of the windows. No sign of anything out of the ordinary – unless you count Auntie Uzma’s eerie grin as she stood in the hall watching me. What the hell was going on? What had she done with Grandpa? Why would she change the locks?

I dumped the plate of jalebis in a skip round the corner and ran home. There was no way I was gonna help those aunties fatten up my mum.

I was already shouting before I’d got through the front door.

‘Mum! Where are you?’

There was no answer. I ran through the house, yelling, but there was no sign of her. I figured she must have gone out and I was about to give up when I spotted her from the bedroom window. She was down in the garden, on her hands and knees, beside a big pile of weeds.

I pulled open the window and yelled down to her. ‘We need to stop Auntie Uzma! We need to stop all the aunties!’

She looked startled and clearly had no idea where the voice was coming from.

‘Up here!’ I shouted.

Mum looked up at me, holding a muddy trowel up to shade her eyes.

‘Stop shouting! The whole neighbourhood will hear you,’ she said.

‘Good! They need to hear this. There’s something going on, Mum. The aunties are up to something.’

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, Humza!’ said Mum, shaking her head. ‘If this is your way of getting out of helping Grandpa, it’s not going to work.’

‘What are you talking about? I’m trying to help Grandpa! That’s what I’m telling you! He needs help!’

‘Sounds like the boy wants to weasel out of it,’ came a voice from above my head. ‘He tried to do the same with cricket!’

Craning out the window, I looked up to see my dad ten feet above me on the roof. He was on all fours, with a big fistful of gutter sludge in each hand.

‘Dad, you gotta listen to me,’ I said. ‘Grandpa’s been kidnapped by Auntie Uzma, and we have to rescue him so we can stop the aunties taking over the world!’

My dad looked at my mum. She looked at him. They both looked at me. Then they burst out laughing.

They were still laughing when I pulled the window closed and sat down on the bed. They weren’t going to listen. They would never believe me. I was going to have to get to the bottom of this myself.

The next day, for the first time ever, I was at school before anyone else. I parked myself by the gates and sat waiting for Wendy to arrive. I had to see her before she got thrown back into the headmaster’s office. Kids started piling in before long; aunties too …

I was just starting to think that maybe there were no original staff members left in the place, when I saw Mr Offalbox pull up in his funny little car. I say ‘car’ – it was more like a go-kart. It would have made a perfectly good five-seater for a normal family, but with Offalbox behind the wheel it looked like an ape had nicked a dodgem. He had to take the top down just to get in. Anyone in the back seat would have been crushed to death in minutes. Thank God he didn’t have kids of his own back there.

‘Humza,’ he said, as he passed. ‘Up to no good, I presume?’

‘I’m waiting to see Wendy Wang,’ I replied. ‘She keeps getting in trouble and it ain’t fair.’

‘If it wasn’t fair, she wouldn’t be sent to my office,’ replied Mr Offalbox. ‘Though I admit it was a little unexpected to begin with.’

‘It’s these aunties, man!’ I cried. ‘They ain’t right!’

‘Aunties?’ he said, laughing. ‘What, you mean the volunteers? Come on, Humza. You can’t blame them for your troubles. I tell you, without their help during this staff crisis, the school would have had to close down.’

‘That doesn’t sound so bad to me.’

‘One day, Humza, you’ll thank me for your education.’ He smiled.

‘Yeah, if I live that long,’ I replied.

Mr Offalbox looked genuinely perplexed at this.

‘Just you behave yourself,’ he said, then turned and headed inside.

It was almost time for the final bell to go, when Wendy appeared at the top of the road. She was trudging in like she really didn’t want to be there.

‘Hurry up, Wendy!’ I shouted.

She raised her head and gave a small wave when she spotted me.

‘Hey, Humza,’ she said when she got closer. ‘I suppose you’re after this?’

She pulled the laptop out of her bag and handed it to me.

‘Thanks,’ I said, slipping it into my own backpack. ‘But I actually wanted to talk to you as well. You look terrible.’

‘I hate this place,’ she replied, looking like she might cry. ‘They’ve ruined everything.’

‘I agree,’ I said, ‘and I always kind of hated it.’

I looked around the playground. It was completely deserted. Classes would have started by now. When I felt safe we were alone, I took a step towards Wendy and lowered my voice.

‘Listen, I’m one hundred per cent positive there’s something going on with Auntie Uzma,’ I told her. ‘She’s acting super weird now. She won’t let me see Grandpa – she’s even changed the locks.’

‘Why?’ asked Wendy. ‘What happened?’

‘I don’t know. Grandpa found something. Something important to do with their plan. They’re fattening us up for something. I’ve just got no idea what.’

‘I guess it doesn’t matter. Without any proof, who’s going to listen?’ she said. She looked really beaten down. Even the anger from yesterday had gone out of her.

‘Well, that’s why we’re gonna get some proof,’ I replied. ‘That’s what Grandpa and I were working on before he disappeared. He said he found something to do with the missing teachers. Something about them being on holiday. He tried to tell me, but the line went dead.’

‘Maybe he left a clue somewhere?’ said Wendy.

‘Exactly! That’s what I thought. But now I can’t even get into his house to look.’

‘I don’t see what we can do then. The aunties have got all the power. Everyone thinks they’re heroes for keeping the school open. We’re just kids. No one listens to us.’

‘Come on, Wendy – we’ll get to the bottom of this,’ I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. ‘We have to.’

School that morning was weird. Super weird. On the surface it was the same as it had been the last couple of weeks. Auntie Uzma was doing her usual thing: loads of food, not much learning. But it was different now somehow. I couldn’t help but feel she was watching me. Maybe I was being paranoid, but you would be too with everything I had going on.

We were in the middle of a spelling game where each kid had to stand up and spell a word in front of the class. If you got your word right you got a cake. And if you got your word wrong you got a slightly different cake. I was in line behind Jemima Tunk, who was called up to spell the word ‘delicious’.

‘Delicious,’ said Jemima. ‘D-E-L-I … uh … S-H-O-U-S. Delicious.’

‘Oh, so close, Jemima!’ said Auntie Uzma. ‘I tell you what, because you were so nearly there, you can have a right cake and a wrong cake. How does that sound?’

‘Thanks,’ said Jemima, greedily accepting both cakes.

Man, it was a miracle no one had popped yet. We must have been getting through ten meals a day. Every kid in the room had a tummy now. Umer was working on his third chin. They’d have to start reinforcing the walls soon, to stop the school collapsing.

‘OK, Humza, you’re next,’ said Auntie Uzma. ‘Your word is “caution”.’

‘“Caution”?’ I replied. ‘Like being careful?’

‘That’s right,’ said Auntie Uzma. ‘As in: “to avoid danger, you must show great caution.”’

She was looking right at me, with that weird smile – sweet and threatening all at once. I didn’t know if everyone else could see it, but Wendy definitely could. She looked worried.

‘Why’d I get that word?’ I asked. ‘Everyone else had words like “doughnut” and “fudge”.’

‘They’re just random words from a list, Humza. Nothing to do with you. Now hurry up and spell “caution”.’

It looked like I didn’t have much of a choice. I had to play along.

‘Caution,’ I said. ‘K-O-R-S-H-U-N. Caution.’

‘Oh, that’ll do,’ said Auntie Uzma, and she handed me a cake.

I took it from her and went back to my seat. There was no way I was going to eat it. When she wasn’t looking, I wrapped it up in a napkin and shoved it into my bag. My hand hit something hard. The laptop! I’d already forgotten it was there. Just seeing it made me smile. I thought of Mr Turnbull and all the work we’d put in. I remembered how close we were to getting the track finished and how good it all sounded. I just wished things could go back to how they were.

‘Can I go to the toilet, miss?’ I said.

‘Of course you can,’ she replied, ‘and call me Auntie.’

Yeah, I thought, as I stood up, but maybe you ain’t my auntie after all. Grabbing my bag, I walked out the door as Umer was stumbling his way through the word ‘potato’.

I decided to do the only thing I could think of that might cheer me up. I took Mr T’s laptop to the library, where I knew I could get a bit of peace and quiet, and I sat down in a corner where no one would be able see me. I put on my headphones as the computer loaded up. The audio software was already open, ready to go. There was the track, just as we’d left it; dozens of coloured little boxes stretched out along a two-minute timeline.

I was just about to hit PLAY when I saw her – Mrs Farooqi, the replacement librarian. You know the routine by now: brightly coloured dress, big weird smile, round as a wrecking ball – classic auntie. She was putting cupcakes out around the room for any kid who happened to wander in.

By leaning forward a little and looking through the gap in the bookshelf I could keep an eye on her while remaining out of sight. I figured I might as well get on with listening to the track. If I got caught it’s not like things could get any worse … I hit PLAY.

The beat came in first. Ah, man, it was good. And that bass. I still couldn’t figure it out. So deep. Exploding out and rushing in all at once. I loved it. Then my vocal kicked in. You know what? It wasn’t too bad. Even my performance sounded better than I remembered. I smiled to myself. Felt a little pang of happiness. It wouldn’t last …

‘Ow,’ I said, as a book hit me on the head.

I looked up to find the whole shelf was shaking. What was going on? I craned my head up to see over the books and into the next row, and there she was, Mrs Farooqi, right up against the other side of the bookshelf just ten feet away. She was leaning over like she was in pain or having some kind of seizure. I was about to jump up and check she was OK, when things got weird.

She was making this noise, a kind of groaning sound, coming from deep inside her. She turned in my direction and, for a second, I thought she might see me. But I was tucked far enough back in the shadows. She couldn’t see a thing. I was safe. Or at least I thought I was.

Because that’s when everything changed. Forever …

Mrs Farooqi opened her mouth wide. Too wide. Unnaturally wide.

And there it was. Inside her enormous mouth was wedged a great, fat white eyeball. It was staring out into the room, crammed in there between her teeth. It had to be the size of a tennis ball. It was pulsing with veins and had a large black pupil at its centre.

She began to retch, like a cat with a hairball. And every time she did, more and more of the creature began to slip free. A bulging bag of green, slug-like flesh followed the eye out of Mrs Farooqi’s mouth. What the hell was this thing?

I fell backwards against the wall. I didn’t know what I was looking at, but I knew I needed to get out of there fast. I jumped to my feet and pulled off my headphones. It took me a second to realize it, but I could still hear the track playing. ‘What the …?’

That was when I noticed it: I’d never plugged the headphones in. I must have been playing the track aloud this whole time. How stupid could I be? Blaring away in the corner like that, it was a miracle I hadn’t been caught.

Mrs Farooqi was on her knees now, and at least half a metre of the fat, slimy green slug monster had spilled out on to the floor. Its big ugly eye was looking about in wild panic. It had rows of little stubby green tentacles, running the length of its body. If that thing got free and caught me, who knew what it might do? I had to move fast.

If I went via the reference books and out past early readers, I could stay behind Mrs Farooqi and, with a bit of luck, avoid being seen by the monster. I slammed the laptop shut, scooped it into my bag and ran. But as soon as I did, she stopped shaking. The retching noise ceased and the green creature began to disappear back into her mouth. I didn’t have long.

I was still behind her as Mrs Farooqi began to pull herself to her feet. If she turned round now, I was done for. But, instead, she began to straighten her hair and adjust her dress. I didn’t pause for a second. I dived for the open door and out into the hallway. I ran without looking back.

I was dripping with sweat when I sat back down beside Umer. He knew something was up immediately. So did Wendy. They were both staring at me, wide-eyed.

‘What’s going on, Humza?’ asked Umer, sounding nervous.

‘I … it … she …’ I mumbled.

I just couldn’t find the words. I was in shock. Thankfully, it was nearly break time, because I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. As soon as Auntie Uzma said we could go, I was out the door like a shot. Umer and Wendy had to run to keep up.

‘What happened, Humza?’ said Wendy when we got to the benches on the far side of the playground.

‘She’s a …’ I started. ‘There’s a … it came out of her mouth,’ I said, still struggling to think straight.

‘What came out of whose mouth?’ said Wendy.

‘The librarian, the auntie, Mrs Farooqi,’ I said. ‘She’s got a creature inside her.’

‘A creature?’ said Umer. ‘What kind of creature?’

‘I don’t know, man. I ain’t never seen anything like that before. It was big, and long, and green all over!’

‘Like an alligator?’ said Umer.

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘It looked like a slug.’

‘So a slug then?’ said Wendy.

‘No, it was huge! It had one massive eyeball. It was covered with tentacles.’

They both stared at me for a moment.

‘Like an emu?’ said Umer.

‘What? No! Do you know what an emu is?’ I shouted.

Umer shook his head.

‘Look, I don’t know what the hell that thing was, but it wasn’t like anything I’ve ever seen before, and I’ve watched both series of Planet Earth!’

‘So you’re saying it wasn’t from Earth then?’ asked Wendy.

She was looking at me like I might have gone mad.

‘I know how it sounds, but I swear that’s what I saw. There’s a monster living in Mrs Farooqi!’

I knew that look they were giving me. I’d seen it before, far too often.

‘I’m not lying, guys! You’ve got to believe me!’

‘I don’t know, Humza,’ said Umer, frowning. ‘Remember when you told me Mr Dawbry was a werewolf? I couldn’t come in for a month after that. My parents made me talk to a doctor.’

‘This ain’t like that!’ I yelled. ‘I’m not making it up!’

‘You told me the caretaker was a thousand years old and stayed young by eating children,’ added Wendy.

‘I admit it – I had bad intel on that one. But I’m telling you I ain’t wrong about this. I know what I saw. And if she’s one of those things, then I bet you – the rest are too.’

‘The rest? You mean the aunties? You think this is why they’re acting weird?’ asked Umer.

‘Yeah, I do! It makes sense, doesn’t it? I bet you they’ve all got one of these slugs in ’em.’

‘Well, why haven’t we seen one before?’ asked Wendy. ‘Why just this one time? Why right now?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe it was cos she didn’t know I was there? I was hiding behind one of the bookshelves.’

They were both quiet for a time. They were still giving me that look.

‘I don’t know, Humza,’ said Wendy. ‘I want to believe you, but this is just the kind of thing you lie about.’

‘You believe me, don’t you, Umer?’

He had this anxious little frown on his face. I’d never seen him so conflicted.

‘I …’ said Umer, ‘I mean … I want to …’

‘Ah, man! I swear! On my dad’s life! Hell, even on my mum’s life! I ain’t lying!’

‘What exactly was going on when all this happened?’ asked Wendy.

Her tone had changed a little. I could tell I was getting to her. She was starting to listen.

‘Right,’ I began. ‘So I was hiding in a corner of the library so that I could play the track in peace. Farooqi was on the other side of the room, doing whatever she was doing. Putting out cupcakes or something.’

Wendy and Umer listened intently.

‘I had just put on my headphones and hit PLAY, when she started freaking out. She was falling all over the place, knocking books off the shelves, making these weird noises. And then she starts coughing it up – this massive weird creature.’

‘How did you get away?’ asked Umer.

‘I ran round the side and out the door. Just in time as well, cos that thing started going back into her mouth. Last thing I saw, she had stood up like nothing had even happened.’

‘So it all just stopped?’ said Wendy.

‘Yeah, as quick as it had started,’ I replied.

‘There’s nothing else you remember?’ asked Wendy. ‘It doesn’t matter how small.’

‘Oh yeah!’ I blurted out. ‘I was seriously lucky not to get caught. See, it turned out I’d forgotten to plug in my headphones the whole time. I hadn’t even noticed. I’d been playing the track out loud.’

‘Out loud?’ said Wendy.

‘Yeah, it must have been blaring.’

‘And all this, the whole reaction, it happened during the time the track was playing?’ asked Wendy, looking real intense all of a sudden.

‘Uh … yeah, I guess,’ I replied.

‘The track …’ she gasped. ‘The track did it.’

‘Did what?’ asked Umer.

‘The track caused the reaction,’ said Wendy. ‘It affected the creature somehow. Made it reveal itself.’

‘You reckon?’ I asked. ‘Why would that happen?’

‘I don’t know yet,’ replied Wendy. ‘But it can’t be a coincidence. Maybe something in the frequency of the audio affects them?’

‘You mean they’re allergic to Humza’s music?’ asked Umer, smiling a little.

‘If you like,’ replied Wendy.

‘Shut up, man. No they ain’t,’ I snapped. ‘It probably just came out so it could hear better.’

‘Whatever the reason,’ continued Wendy, ‘it means we can prove it now – prove there’s something going on.’

‘Great! Then that’s what we’re gonna do!’ I said. ‘And it’s gotta be in front of as many people as possible. Then they’ll have to believe us.’

‘We can play it through the loudspeakers in the hall,’ said Wendy.

‘Exactly!’ I shouted. ‘We just need a reason to get all the aunties together at once.’

‘What about the talent show?’ said Umer. ‘That’s coming up?’

‘That ain’t soon enough. We need to do this now,’ I replied.

‘Assembly?’ suggested Wendy. ‘We’ve got one tomorrow morning. I could get the laptop hooked into the speakers this afternoon without much trouble.’

‘Perfect,’ I replied. ‘And I bet I could convince them to let us play the track. Tell ’em it’s a song about eating contests or something. They’d go for that.’

‘But tomorrow morning …’ said Umer, ‘is that going to be enough time?’

‘It’ll have to be,’ I said. ‘We need to get started right away. Wendy, you go see if you can get this hooked up to the sound system.’

I handed her the laptop.

‘Umer,’ I continued, ‘you and me are gonna convince them to let us play at tomorrow’s assembly.’

‘OK,’ said Umer, looking a little nervous.

‘Don’t worry, man,’ I said to him. ‘Once that beat drops, those things are gonna start freaking out. They won’t be able to do a thing to us. The whole school will know they’re real. We’ll have saved everyone!’

We were all smiling now. Suddenly we had a way out of this. We were gonna be heroes!