Cops and Narcs
The Road Runner had Wile E. Coyote. Sherlock Holmes had Professor Moriarty. God has Satan. And stoners have The Man—a.k.a. Cops, Pigs, Fuzz, Johnny Law, and what have you.
Until marijuana becomes legal everywhere, stoners have to do all they can to stay one step ahead of cops, narcs, the DEA, and any other federale who would just loooooove to confiscate their weed and give them a police record.
You gotta be careful out there. You just never know who might be lurking nearby, ready to insert themselves into your situation and turn your beautiful day into a bust and a buzzkill. But narcs are not as smart as they think they are. If you follow some simple rules, and if you look close enough for a combination of dead giveaways, you’ll be safe not sorry.
Never deal with someone you don’t know.
Don’t assume that if you ask if someone’s a cop, they have to tell you. A cop might say what he’s gotta say, and lie in court later.
Never assume that if a guy smokes some weed with you it means he’s not a cop. Cops can do drugs while on the job.
If you sense someone is a narc, clam up and bail.
Dead Giveaways
AGE. Narcs are often older than the group they’re trying to bust, yet try to look younger, and try too hard.
BASEBALL CAP. Always fitted, often in rally position.
GRATEFUL DEAD TEE SHIRT. Especially a brand new one.
SHORT BEARD. Cops can’t grow long beards; they often have to testify in court, and always shave for those appearances.
FAKE MUSTACHE. A common ploy for undercovers; not hard to tell.
DIRTY CLOTHES. Dealers aren’t necessarily dirtbags; narcs are, for effect.
FANNY PACK. It’s stereotypical but true. (And besides, whether he’s a narc or not, do you really want anything to do with a guy who wears a fanny pack?)
TERMINOLOGY. Slang terms are sometimes slightly off, as if he’s trying too hard.
BUSYBODY. You see the narc approaching other people before he approaches you.
STANDS TOO CLOSE TO YOU. So your words can be picked up on his recording device.
ACTS HIGH OR DRUNK. Overacts, that is. You can tell.
THEIR FRIEND. There’s always a partner, and the partner always walks up, and they always act like they don’t know each other. Pay attention to signs that they are too familiar.
TOO MUCH TOO SOON. Any stranger who sidles up to you and says he knows where to score bud right off the bat—or asks if you do—is a bit off.
TIME CHECK. Beware those who talk too much; most dealers and buyers just want to get in and get out.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Anyone asking a lot of obvious questions should raise a flag.
WHEELS. Don’t deal with anyone who drives a Grand Marquis or Impala.
HONEY TRAP. A babe narc. Not sure what to tell you with this type of narc; gets us every time.