WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Elsie wondered what she was going to do about Janay. She’d been on her mind constantly since they ran into each other at the bar. She wanted to call her, but talked herself out of it.
That morning when Elsie arrived at work, there was a message on her desk. Janay had called. That didn’t surprise her because back in the day when she and Janay were involved, Janay was very aggressive.
She decided to call her back. What harm could it do? Elsie picked up the phone and dialed the number on the message pad.
“Hello,” a male answered.
“Um, hi, may I speak to Janay?”
“Who’s speaking?”
“Elsie.”
“Hold on, please.”
“Hey, you. How come you haven’t called me?” Janay asked immediately. “I’ve been busy working on a new case,” she told her, half truth, half lie. The real reason was that she didn’t think it would be right. She believed she still had unresolved feelings. After all, there was never any real closure between them. On top of that, she didn’t trust herself with Janay.
“Would you like to go out to lunch?” Janay asked.
“Lunch?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“Today.”
“Yeah,” Elsie told her while she wondered if she was out of her mind. She knew she was wrong for accepting a lunch date with Janay. She tried to justify it by saying better lunch than dinner. It was safer in the daytime because she was less likely to do something she might later regret.
“How about I come to your office?”
“No, how about we meet somewhere?” Elsie suggested in return. There was a buzz on her phone. “Can you hold on a second?”
“Yeah,” Janay replied.
Elsie pressed the intercom and asked the temp secretary, “Who’s calling?”
“Someone named Summer,” she answered.
Was this a coincidence or what? Summer and Janay were calling her at the same time. “Tell her I’ll be right with her.”
She clicked back to Janay and told her she’d meet her at one. They agreed on the place and hung up.
Elise picked up the line Summer was on. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to know what you were doing for lunch.”
Something I shouldn’t be doing, Elsie thought. “I’m meeting with a client,” she said.
“I was going to stop by. What time will you be returning?”
“I’m not sure,” Elsie told her.
“Are you bringing any of your things over tonight?” Summer asked. Elsie still hadn’t moved her things in. Although she stayed the night occasionally, they slept in separate rooms for the sake of Winter. When they wanted to be next to each other, they would sneak. Of course, this caused an even bigger strain on the relationship.
“Elsie, is everything okay between us?” Summer asked.
“Of course. Why would you ask me something like that?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like things are changing between us, and not for the better. We don’t do things together like we used to.”
“Well, we can’t. There’s a child in the picture now,” Elsie said, feeling like shit for blaming it on Winter.
“Are you sure that’s all it is?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
“I guess so. Are you staying the night tonight?”
“No. I need to go to my apartment and pack up some things,” Elsie lied. She just wanted to sleep in her own bed.
“So, I won’t get to see you at all today.”
Elsie thought for a moment. “I’ll stop by briefly.”
“Okay.”
“Bye.” Before Elsie could hang up, she heard Summer say her name. She placed the phone near her ear. “Yes?”
“I love you.”
“Same here,” Elsie said and placed the phone on its cradle. She sat down at her desk and stared out the window. Why was she making her life more complicated than it needed to be? If it blew up in her face, it would be her own fault.
Elsie pulled out a case file she was working on and became engrossed in her work. Before she knew it, lunchtime had arrived. She had to admit that she was nervous about going out to lunch with Janay. She knew she was playing with fire.
Elsie and Janay arrived at the restaurant at the same time. While looking over the menu, Janay asked her about Summer. “So, tell me about the woman you’re seeing.”
“What is it you want to know?”
“How about her name?”
“Summer.”
“What does she do for a living? So I can know what I’m up against.”
“What makes you think you’re up against someone?”
“Do you love her?”
Elsie shifted in her seat. “Why don’t you answer some questions for me?”
“Shoot.” Janay leaned back in her chair, ready.
“Are you seeing anyone?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve been concentrating on the club, haven’t had the time.”
“Were you seeing anyone out west?”
“Yes.”
“Well, what happened?”
“I knew I would be coming out here, and I didn’t want a long—distance relationship. I also knew I would be looking you up when I got in town.”
“Oh, you did, did you?” Elsie didn’t believe a word of it, although she wanted to.
“Is that all you have to say?”
“What more is there for me to say?”
“I don’t know. How about you’re glad I’m back?”
Elsie didn’t comply. Instead she looked at her watch. “Let’s order.” She waved the waitress over and they placed their orders.
The second the waitress walked away, Janay leaned over the table and placed her chin in her hands. “Still avoiding the obvious, huh?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You never could be up front,” Janay told her.
“Up front about what?” Elsie had no idea what she was talking about.
“Nothing. Just let it go.”
Elsie wrinkled up her brow, but decided to do just that—let it go. The waitress returned with their food and they made small talk while eating. It really just seemed like they were getting to know one another again.
When they were done eating, Elsie told Janay, “I have to get back to the office.”
“Why don’t you stop by the bar later and join me for a drink?” Janay asked.
Elsie knew she should say no, but she heard herself saying yes. Looking for trouble, her inner voice chastised.
Back at the office, Elsie was surprised when she walked through her door to find an arrangement of flowers. They could only be from Summer, she thought, picking up the card and turning it over. It read: Thanks for lunch. Janay.
Elsie always had been a sucker for flowers. She smiled and wondered when Janay could have done this. It must have been as soon as they hung up the phone that morning.
Elsie looked at the phone and debated whether to call Jewell. She knew Jewell was taking care of her son. She decided to dial Jewell’s number. The answering machine came on. “Hey, Jewell, it’s Elsie. Just calling to say hello, see how everything is going and if you need anything. Give me a call when you get a chance.” She hung up and threw herself into work.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. What Elsie really wanted to do was go home and relax before going to the bar, but she’d promised Summer that she would stop by. She grabbed her briefcase and headed out the door
When she arrived at Summer’s house, the door was wide open, so she let herself in. Winter ran up to her and held out a piece of paper. “Look what I did.” She showed Elsie a picture she had drawn. In it were three people holding hands. “That’s you, me and Mommy.”
Elsie took the picture from her. “That’s sweet.” She kissed her on the cheek then looked around and asked Winter, “Where’s your mom?”
Summer appeared out of nowhere. “I’m right here.”
“Winter, sweetheart, can you leave us alone for a minute?” Summer said, her eyes never leaving Elsie’s face.
“Awww, Mom, do I have to?
“I would like for you to.”
Winter stomped off. As soon as she was out of earshot, Summer asked Elsie, “How come you didn’t tell me Janay was in town?”
Talk about catching someone off guard. At first Elsie was going to deny it, but thought better of it. She decided to play it down. “I didn’t think it was important,” Elsie told her.
Summer looked at Elsie in disbelief. “I can’t believe you would stand here and say that you didn’t think it was important. I think having your ex move back in town is of extreme importance.”
“Not to me,” Elsie lied. “Anyway, that relationship ended years ago. What difference does it make?”
“Maybe it wouldn’t matter under different circumstances.”
“What do you mean under different circumstances?”
“I mean when we were doing better as a couple. When I felt like I was loved, wanted, desired. When I felt like you wanted to be around me.”
Elsie told Summer, “Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have time for a jealous fit. I had a long ass day and I’m tired. I could have gone home and laid down, but I decided to stop by here first, and this is what you greet me with. I’m going home.” She turned to walk toward the door.
Summer grabbed her arm. “Elsie, don’t leave.”
Elsie looked at her, “What, Summer? What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know, but I do know that I’m not crazy. I do know that something is off between us. I feel it in here.” She touched her heart.
“Relationships can’t be perfect all the time.”
“I know that. I don’t expect it to be, but I do expect you to be up front with me,” Summer said. “I’m ready to tell Winter about us.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea . . . at least not right now. We need to figure out what’s going on with us before you bring Winter into it.”
“So, something is going on?” Summer asked.
“I’m going home. I’ll call you later.” Elsie did something she had never done before. She walked out on Summer.
“You made it,” Janay said. She was almost certain Elsie would flake out on her.
“Yes, I made it,” Elsie replied, stepping into the bar.
“You look sexy,” Janay told her.
“So do you.”
They stood in front of one another, neither saying a word, just taking each other in.
Taking her hand, Janay said, “Come on. I want you to meet some people.”
“No, no, I don’t want to meet anyone.” Elsie was afraid that whoever she was about to meet would know Summer. She couldn’t for the life of her figure out how Summer knew Janay was back in town.
“Listen, stop being paranoid and enjoy yourself. Damn. The people I want to introduce you to aren’t even from here. Come on. Loosen up.” Janay pulled her along.
After she hesitated for just a second, Elsie made up her mind to enjoy her night. Tomorrow was another day. When she saw Summer, they would talk and try to figure out what was going on. After a few drinks and a couple of dances, Janay asked Elsie, “Stay with me until closing time.”
Elsie told her she would. After everyone had left, they were sitting at the bar having one last drink. Elsie finished hers off and said, “Well, I guess I’ll be leaving now.”
“Are you okay to drive?”
“Honestly, no,” Elsie said. “I mean, I’m not drunk, but I think it would be just a wee bit safer with me off the road.”
“How about I drive you home?”
“What, and leave my car here?” Elsie didn’t think that was a good idea.
“No, I’ll drive your car. You can bring me to mine in the morning.”
“In the morning? Do you plan on staying the night at my house?”
“If it’s a problem, I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“Okay then, let’s go.”
When they arrived at Elsie’s house, Elsie turned on the television and sat on the couch next to Janay.
“Why are you turning on the TV?” Janay asked. “It’s late, I’m tired, and so are you.”
Elsie stood. “You don’t have to sleep on the couch, I have an extra bedroom.”
“Where is it?”
“Down the hall to the right.” Elsie led the way. When they reached the door, Elsie told Janay, “If you need anything, my room is down the hall.”
Janay stared into Elsie’s eyes. “Okay.”
Once in her room, Elsie closed the door and undressed. She wondered what Janay was doing. She threw on her robe and opened the bedroom door. Janay was at the door about to knock.
Elsie looked in her eyes and immediately wanted her. She held Janay’s face between her hands and kissed her on the lips.
Janay pulled away. “What are you doing?”
“Kissing you.” She went to kiss her again, but Janay pulled back again.
“Are you sure? I thought you didn’t want this.”
“A girl’s entitled to change her mind,” Elsie said.
“Maybe we should wait until you’re sober.”
“I don’t want to wait.”
Janay stepped into the room. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too,” Elsie said and removed her robe. She let it fall to the floor and walked over to the bed. “Come join me.”
Janay stood in front of Elsie and slowly undressed. Elsie could feel her body shivering. She reached out and caressed Janay’s breasts.
Janay removed Elsie hands and put them over her head. She pushed Elsie back on the bed and said, “Let me be in charge.”
Elsie closed her eyes and waited for the wave to arrive.
The next morning when Elsie woke up, Janay was gone. She left a note on the pillow. It read. Didn’t want to wake you. Took a taxi to my car. I enjoyed every bit of you last night. Please call me. Don’t run. We need to talk. Love, Janay.
Looking at the letter, Elsie wanted to smack herself. How could she have been so stupid?