THE DEPARTURE
Stewart knew the time for his departure was drawing near. He viewed the possibility with very mixed emotions. He hated the thought of leaving Michael and not being around his enriching but simple environment. He looked forward, however, with increasing anticipation to moving on with his life. When he decided to venture through the mountains into Wellspring, he knew there would be many possibilities.
Stewart knew, upon leaving home, that he would probably find a career, meet the best friend of his life and, yes, probably find a wife. He had no idea he would meet such a good friend as Michael, this short of a distance into the mountains. He was particularly surprised to find such a good friend with so much difference in age and experience from his own.
While he was thinking, Michael got out of bed, assisted by his crutch, and walked over to the table. He had a distinct limp, yet was beginning to get around the cabin without assistance.” Michael, are you going to be able to hunt and fend for yourself when I leave?”
“Of course, boy. Don’t worry about an old man like me. Shoot, I’m all rested and ready to wrestle a bear.”
“Michael, I wasn’t trying to be nosey, but I noticed some of the material you have written. I think it’s wonderful!”
“I thought it might be useful for me to keep my thoughts recorded. Writing helps me sort out my experiences and find some consolation for having gone through so many of them. Who knows, somebody else might be able to read through it and get something.”
“It seems you have so much to share. I know people will find it useful. If someone could suffer a little less by reading about your suffering, it’ll have been worth the effort. If somebody gains by reading about the injustices you suffered, that may bring some sort of restitution and healing.”
“Well. I hope so. If someone could suffer a little less by reading about my suffering, I suppose the second sacrifice of writing it down is worth the effort. It is kind of like the firewood analogy we discussed earlier. You get warmed when you cut it, and increase your strength and stamina, due to the physical effort. Then the person with whom you share the fire and you both get warmed. I don’t think we go through any of life’s experiences without a purpose. I know I could not write about justice if I hadn’t experienced injustice.”
“I know what you mean. I look forward to reading your work.”
“Stewart, you have been a great inspiration to me. You saved my life, but more importantly you have helped regain my perspective.”
Michael thought for a moment and continued, “You know an injury to our soul is much like an injury to our body. First, it takes time to get over the initial hurt. During that time you have trouble believing somebody could actually treat you in such a way. You feel like you have an open wound. Just like a physical injury immobilizes a person, an injury of the sole causes a person to lose perspective. You are probably less likely to entrust yourself to others after an injury.
“Rational thought is almost impossible, at least in regard to the hurt and injustice. You might be a person prone to settle the score. You might be tempted toward retaliation to the point that you actually feel as if you committed vengeance. Or, you might be a person who closes inwardly.
“The injured person needs time to rest and sort out thoughts. Any important decisions should be delayed or sorted with trusted council. The injury begins to heal as the injured person can forgive. The forgiveness is begun by confessing to another person. The confession is not a detailed account of the wrong, but to admit, to yourself and somebody else, that you lack the ability to forgive on your own effort.
“The final step of healing is restoration or recovery. Like a bodily injury, the person must ease back into active duty. My leg had to mend itself. The bone had to fuse back together. After the fusion, I had to stretch and work the muscle and tendon connected to the joint to begin to strengthen it.
“Injury of the soul also requires action. The injured person must do something for the person who caused the injury. This is the ultimate act of forgiveness. It also places the injured person back into active duty. The inability to forgive does little or nothing to the person you refuse to forgive. An unforgiving attitude hurts and continues to debilitate the person refusing to forgive.
“Isn’t it possible to get accustomed to the pain and almost be afraid you might miss it?” asked Stewart.
“I’m not sure about the psychology of pain, but I know a person can wallow in self pity. You can justify to yourself why you should continue to harbor a grudge. Doing something to demonstrate forgiveness breaks that cycle of self pity as surely as walking and stretching helps a person gain full strength and recovery of an injured limb.”
“What do you think you might be doing about your brother?”
“I’ve been thinking about that. After you have headed for Wellspring, I think I might be heading down to Discovery. I don’t know what I might do, but I have to make the effort to contact him.”
“I should probably stay here until I’m sure you will be well enough.”
“Nonsense boy, you can’t hang around here. You need to be getting to Wellspring. That is where you’ll find your dreams.”
“Since I’ve met you, I’m not so sure I still have those same dreams.”
“You have to go after them. Nobody can give you dreams or take them away. You can only pursue them or forfeit them. I could not let you do that. Sure your dreams change and your realities and perspective change. Your goal is to get to Wellspring. You don’t know what the trail will bring between here and the city. You keep pushing in that direction.
“Edward and I knew a miner who was on a claim next to ours. He worked that claim for three years. He put all his resources and energy into finding a vein. He used all his food and about wore out his second pick and shovel. I think he finally just gave out, because he lost hope.
“We noticed we hadn’t smelled the smoke from his cook stove for a few days. We decided to climb up around the ridge and over to his camp to see that he was alright. We couldn’t find him in his camp, so we went into the shaft. There he was - dead. We decided to bury him there, right in his shaft. As we were digging around to get enough loose aggregate, we saw something shiny. There was the lode of silver. He had been getting so desperate, that he hardly took time to get his lamp and bring it closer to the work. Dim light, no reflection and he could not see the silver ore.”
“What about his claim?”
“There was nothing we could do. We all worked so hard, that we didn’t take time to visit. There was no address or information about family in his personal effects. Without proper paperwork, in an area that has not been surveyed, you die, you abandon your claim. He had literally reached his dreams, but didn’t know it. He’d lost hope because he abandoned the light to guide his path.
“Your dreams are the same way. You might not know exactly what you want, but as you begin to formulate them, you have to stick with it and not give up. When you get closest to your dreams, they will seem furthest from you. Then you will even doubt if they are really your dreams. So, the light that illuminates your journey is the most important constant. You won’t recognize your dreams, when you reach them without the light.”
“I hope you’re right. I just hate to leave you here by yourself. I like to think my motives are only for your welfare, but selfishly, I might be a little anxious of what lies ahead.”
Michael responded, “I don’t think it is the fear of failure or injury we all face, like those night terrors. I think we fear that our dreams, if reached, won’t be as fulfilling as we had imagined.”
“I can see that.”
“Come on boy! We can talk through another winter. We need to get your victuals ready. You probably have an eight to ten day walk ahead of you.”
Michael busied himself, packing hardtack, dried apples, raisins, jerky from the venison Stewart had prepared, sunflower seeds and water. Michael had turned his face so Stewart could not see the tears running down his cheek into his beard.
By Michael’s activity, Stewart came to the stark realization: “This was it!” He would be leaving in the morning. The packing put a damper on their usually bright conversations which would have lasted into the night. “We better hit the hay. You’ll be leaving early in the morning.”
Stewart took a long last look around the cabin. He wanted to cherish this bittersweet moment, this little room and his memories of it forever. He slept without dreams, at least none he could remember. He did not want his last night to go so rapidly. As he awoke, he saw Michael finishing the packing by the light of the lamp. He smelled the coffee brewing on the cook stove and knew he would be eating Michael’s biscuits soon, probably his last real meal until he would reach his destination.
Michael was quieter than usual this morning. Stewart knew why and honored the quiet. Besides, he honestly did not know what to say. Would it seem arrogant to attempt to console another who was saddened by your departure? Was it presumptuous to think Michael was quiet because he was anticipating the departure? Stewart had no answers for his questions.
Shortly, they ate breakfast. Stewart put his possessions together and finished packing as tightly and as concisely as possible. As Stewart finished, he looked up at Michael. Michael was lifting his favorite Winchester from the rack over the fireplace.
“This is yours, boy, you’ll need it.”
“I can’t take that.”
“If there is one thing we have taught each other, it is that we accept a gift as a gift. Besides, you would be disrespectful to not honor an old man’s wishes.”
“I’ll only take it if you hang onto my thirty-thirty carbine until I see you again.”
“Okay, but where I am going, I won’t need the Winchester.”
Stewart did not have to ask. He knew what Michael planned to do. As Stewart left, he felt as though in the few months he spent with Michael, he had changed his perspective more than any other time in his life. In fact, he felt as though the past few months had caused everything he had ever learned, thought, or done to suddenly congeal. He felt as though he had been born again.
As he pondered this idea, he could not shake the thought he had been born for adversity. Stewart remembered what Michael taught him. Michael said, “Believe your dreams, trust your instincts, and doubt your fears.”
Stewart did not view his present thoughts as fears. He knew well enough what fear was. Rather, he reasoned to himself, they were simply an acceptance of the facts and events before they materialized.
He had only felt this way once before. About a year ago he had a premonition of his gramps dying. The thing he feared most was the loss of his gramps. He had attempted to pass the thought as a childish fear. Then within two months, he was shocked but not surprised when his dad sat him down to tell him the news. God had prepared him beforehand for the tragedy.
Stewart and Michael had talked several times about the descent to Wellspring. They figured, in good weather, the trip would take eight to ten days. If he paced himself and did not attempt too much the first day he would be able to cover more ground each successive day. This thought and the sounds and smell of spring caused Stewart’s thinking to return to the farm. In spring, as they began plowing, the horses had to be brought gradually back to the level of work they had achieved per day at harvest.
If the horses were worked too much the first few days, they could be injured or wear-out too soon and then loose more time in recovering. Their best puller, Old Ben, was the slowest to warm-up. In the mornings, especially, in cooler weather, or after he had been worked hard for several days, he was slow to start. He had what Stewart’s dad called “cold shoulder.” Cold shoulder was a stiffness which was very apparent. Once Ben was stretched and warmed by pulling for a while, he could pull longer days and heavier loads than any of the other horses Stewart’s family had ever owned.
Stewart walked about six hours on the first day, watching as the trees and brush became less pervasive and the ridges became rockier. He could see the distinct “edge” called the tree line where the altitude increased so much that not enough air existed for the trees to grow like they did in lower altitudes. He attempted to stay below the tree line if he could. No need to climb over when you could find a way through.
He came to camp early so he could rest and break-in his muscles gradually for the increased strain. He decided he would rest earlier the first day, push himself the second day for about eight to ten hours and get an intermediate day of about six hours again on the third day. He hoped the third day would be about a third of the way. He also planned to alternate the remaining days between long and short days to rest and recover adequately.
On the afternoon of the third day, Stewart found a small clearing in the trees, boulders and brush. He decided this would be a large enough area to camp. As he began setting up his tent, he had an eerie felling. He looked around to see if there was somebody within sight or sound. There was nobody. As he attempted to rationalize the fear, he became increasingly concerned. Although he heard nothing and could offer no physical evidence for his concerns, he could not shake the feeling.
He decided that if there was another person close by, he should have identified himself. If there was a bear or mountain lion in the area, it was stalking him to decide whether or not to attack. Stewart reached slowly for the Winchester. He controlled his fears because he knew an animal could smell fear and decide to attack for that exact reason. Another man, observing with nefarious motives might take the offensive at the sight of the Winchester.
Stewart quietly and cautiously looked around. He could still see nothing. He decided to break camp and get back onto the trail. While glancing over his shoulder in both directions to look for anything out of the ordinary, he was able to be packed and on his way quicker than usual. As he walked, he kept the Winchester in the ready position, as when he was hunting, instead of over his shoulder on the sling.
The trail above the camp site dipped down behind an abrupt ridge that he could not see beyond until he got to the top of it. As soon as he stepped over the crest of the ridge, he noticed a spot where a doe had given birth to a fawn. The doe and the fawn had gone, but some blood drippings and a placenta remained. Almost simultaneously Stewart stood within a few feet of a mountain lion that had come close to the birthing spot, drawn by the scents.
The lion had not noticed Stewart approaching because he was interested in something else. They both hesitated for an instant. The lion sized Stewart up. Before Stewart had a chance to lift the Winchester, the lion was off into the brush. As he stood there, he realized how alert and intense his concentration had been for the past half hour. He could not remember a time when he had been so focused, as every event seemed to play out in slow motion. He felt confident that the lion made his decision, and was not that interested in him. He walked for about another hour before deciding to camp.
As Stewart set up camp, he kept the Winchester handy. He made sure to secure his pack by throwing a rope over a high limb and hoisting it up away from any predators. Although he had survived an encounter with the mountain lion, he was still more concerned about the potential of having an encounter with a grizzly. He took no shortcuts on precautions.
As Stewart sat by the fire, he reflected back on one of his conversations with Michael. Michael had told him about a Bible character named Jabez. He said the story of Jabez was one of the shortest stories in the Old Testament but carried a huge message. Stewart dug out the Bible Michael had given him. Michael had said, “This is small and handy. Take it with you. I cannot even read it with my glasses any more. I can still read my big book with the large print.”
Stewart wondered why men always had to be gruff about things, even when doing something tender hearted. He read I Chronicles four, nine and ten: “Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother named him Jabez, saying, ‘I gave birth to him in pain.’ Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.’ And God granted his request.”
Stewart contemplated all the elements in the simple story that spanned all of two verses. Jabez was honorable. The Bible gave an example of a man asking for a blessing and for his territory to be increased. Finally, Jabez asked for God’s hand to be on him to keep him from causing harm and from experiencing pain. God granted his request.
Stewart thought, “Jabez could be me. I can’t remember the pain I caused my mother in birth, but I can’t shake the felling that I was born for adversity. He kept me from pain and injury this very day, and I hope He will tonight! I have asked for a blessing, although I didn’t know I could admit it until Michael taught me this story. I am stepping out to receive God’s blessing and an increased territory. I also don’t want to cause pain in others.”
Stewart remembered how Michael told him about the birds of the air. They did not toil nor worry. They did not go hungry. Even though God provided worms and bugs for the birds, they still had to go out and collect them. Stewart thought back over years of Sunday school, church, family and school, how he had tacitly learned that to seek one’s potential was wrong. One should be satisfied with his position in life and not seek self glory. Accepting a station or position in life sounded less like fate and more like ‘fatal’ to Michael and now to Stewart.
In fact, Michael had insisted that it was selfish, lazy and motivated by complacency to “accept one’s station and not improve one’s self.” Michael argued that God gave us a free will. Sometimes He has protected us and ordered circumstances to get our attention, but He placed the responsibility of choice upon us. In addition God empowered and inspired people to be all that He had created them to be.
Under humble submission to Him, it would be selfish, lazy and complacent not to ask God to bless us, increase our boundaries, and bring healing, not harm to others. Michael had said, “God inspires and empowers us to follow Him. God is not concerned with our ability or inability, only in our availability.”
Stewart slept well that night and had vivid dreams. When he awoke, he thought, “Long day. I better get started.”
