The past few weeks have been the best and most frustrating days of my life.
Ella just made sense in my life, in a way that no other woman ever had. I never had to wonder if she was with me for me. Ella knew more about me than pretty much anyone else.
And the sex.
Christ, I missed the sex.
I’d never made out in so many closets in my life. Not gonna lie, that also made it kinda hot…as forbidden things tended to be. But I missed the feeling of her body wrapped around me. I hadn’t been inside her since Phoenix, and it was eating me up inside. I would’ve complained about my blue balls, but she’d taken care of that in a closet or two.
But seriously, there were only so many blow jobs and fingering sessions a man could take. I wanted to be inside her again.
Fuck that. What I really wanted to do was publicly claim her. Yell from the fucking rooftops that this amazing woman was mine, so we could stop hiding.
Next tour, we were definitely getting our own bus.
The thought had me freezing in my tracks.
We?
Our?
Fuck, it was too soon to start thinking plurally. Wasn’t it?
Definitely too soon. The grind of tour life and keeping this secret was seriously making me crazy.
“You okay, Jess?” Chase tossed me a concerned look as he jostled my shoulder outside the greenroom.
I had been going through a back hallway toward our private greenroom when I’d had my plural induced mini-stroke. I had to clear my throat before I could talk. “Yeah, just tour crud, ya know?”
“Fuck me.” Chase leaped away and held out his fingers in front of him in a cross. “You keep that groupie STD shit away from me and mine. I’ve never been so glad to be wifed up. I do not miss those days at all.”
“Haven’t you heard?” Xander came up behind me and wrapped an arm around my neck. “Jesse here is losing the bet. Apparently, he’s auditioning for the monastery.”
Chase blinked in surprise. “What the fuck?”
“You’re hilarious, Xan.” Shrugging him off me, I pulled a stick of gum from my pocket as I stalked into our private greenroom. I shoved the gum in my mouth and headed for my rack of clothes.
“Jesse hasn’t hooked up with anyone since at least Phoenix, maybe even LA,” Xander proclaimed loudly from the greenroom door.
I lifted my chin and took a deep breath. Guilt ate me up inside.
“Fuck. No way can that be true.” Chase’s head swung from Xander to me to him and back again. Then he stared at me like I was an alien. “You’re losing the bet?”
I turned my back on them and pulled a shirt off my rack. I wasn’t interested in lying to Chase or talking about the woman I was sleeping with. No one was ready for that truth. It would probably be the end of my friendship with Chase.
There was an unspoken rule between buddies—family was off limits.
And I broke it. A lot. Enthusiastically. Repeatedly.
But Xander wouldn’t let it go.
“We brought these groupies on the bus last night.” Xander paused dramatically and must’ve done something with his hands, but I didn’t see. “And Jesse was nowhere to be seen. Fucker disappeared—alone—into his bunk. Wouldn’t come out, no matter what the girls were doing. And they were very accommodating women. Believe me.”
“WHAT THE FUCK, XAN!” Chase roared. “You’re not supposed to have women on the bus. We all agreed if my sister was going to ride on your bus, that kinda shit wasn’t gonna happen.”
“Shit!” Xander yelped followed by a crash.
I spun around and sprinted across the room to pull Chase off of Xander. Not that Xander was laying back and taking it. Fists were flying almost as fast as the curses.
“Get off me, fucker!”
“You son of a bitch!”
“You’re an asshole. I’m gonna fuck you up!”
I tried to grab Chase, but his arms were moving too fast.
“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!” Wes yelled from behind me.
I grunted as Xander’s fist found my ribs.
The next thing I knew, cold water poured down on us.
Sputtering, I rolled away from the pair and blinked up at Ella, who was standing over us, holding two empty pitchers.
“What the fuck, El?” Chase scowled up at her while wiping water off his face.
She’d somehow managed to nail all of us in our faces, but Xander got the lion’s share.
He sat up coughing. “Fuck. That tastes like ass.”
“You’re asking me what the fuck?” Ella shook her head. “Seriously, Chase? What the hell is wrong with you. You guys go onstage in an hour. Unless you all kill each other first.”
I raised a hand. “To be fair, I was trying to break those two up.”
Ella rolled her eyes and stomped off to the other side of the room where the pitchers had been part of the food spread. Gotta admit, it was sexy as hell to watch her go. That ass of hers bounced and flexed. Fuck. And she’d been so hot and commanding when she’d broken up the fight.
“Hey it’s not my fault.” Xander pushed up then swayed unsteadily on his feet as he pointed at Chase. “That asshole sucker punched me.”
“You fucked up first,” Chase retorted. “You know what you did.”
Xander scoffed. “It’s bullshit. Ella is a grown woman. She knows what goes on while we’re on tour. She saw a hellova lot worse backstage in the old days.”
“Wait, you guys are fighting about me?” Ella’s wide eyes swung from Xander to Chase then me.
I cleared my throat. “Chase found out about the other guys bringing groupies on our bus.”
“Oh,” she whispered as her shoulders slumped in relief.
Not gonna lie. That kinda hurt my pride. She was relieved that Chase hadn’t found out about us?
Fuck.
“Yeah, that wasn’t the agreement.” Chase scowled up at Xander. “You all said you’d be fine not having groupies on the bus. Ella doesn’t need to be around that shit.”
Xander shook his head. “That was before we saw the fucking tour schedule. We haven’t had a night to ourselves in over a week. And every night we pull out of the parking lot way too fucking soon for us to do anything fun. It’s bullshit.”
I snorted as I thought about how they’d brought women on board between Vegas and Phoenix—despite having multiple stops in each city. Not that I was going to point that out. It wouldn’t help anyone.
But for the record, Xander was full of shit.
Chase raised his eyebrows. “Jesse doesn’t seem to have a problem with it.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not saving myself for the second coming or whatever the fuck he’s doing,” Xander retorted.
I ducked my head and scrubbed my hands over my face. Guilt was eating me alive.
“Wait, wait.” Ella raised her hands. “This is what you’re fighting over, Chase? Seriously?”
“Well, yeah. They were supposed to keep it in their pants when we’re on the road. That was the only way I’d agree to have you on their bus.”
“I don’t even know where to start.” Ella stared at her brother incredulously. “How about how I’ve heard way more about your sex life this tour—fuck that, my whole life—than I’ve ever wanted to know?”
Shay groaned somewhere behind us, but I couldn’t look away from Ella’s Valkyrie-like passion as she verbally battled her brother.
“How about you have to stop treating me like I’m still your six-year-old little sister? Do you seriously think I don’t know what happens on tour? That I haven’t seen more than my share of it even before this year? Fuck, Chase. I thought we’d finally settled this. You can’t keep treating me like I’m a kid. It’s bullshit.”
“I’m only trying to look out for you. You’re my little sister.”
“Fuck you. I’m a grown ass woman who’s getting more than her share of sex on this tour too.”
“What?” Chase yelped before his features hardened. “Who?”
“Oh my god. You’re ridiculous. I can’t.” Ella shook her head and stomped toward the exit. “Fight each other. Beat each other up like you’re kids again. I don’t give a shit. I’m done with your bullshit.”
A heavy silence weighed down the room with her exit.
Until Chase broke it by turning to his wife and asking her, “Who the fuck is Ella sleeping with?”
Shay stared back at her husband for a beat, shook her head, and followed Ella’s trail out of the greenroom.
“Fuck!” Chase yelled before stomping off to the bathroom.
“Well.” Wes sighed. “That was awkward. You two got all your feelings out?” He looked between me and Xander.
I lifted my palms. “I’m good.”
“Me too,” Xander groaned, holding his ribs.
“I, uh.” Noah waved from the doorway. “So where’d we land on the whole groupies on the bus rule?”
Later, in the greenroom before the show, I avoided all the hostile vibes and my gladhanding duties. I wasn’t in the mood for everyone’s bullshit, so I made the mistake of reading my texts.
Unknown: You better have my money in New York
Unknown: You definitely don’t want this shit leaking to your adoring public
Unknown: You have five days, asshole
Fun times. I kept blocking him, and he kept popping up. Like Michael Myers. This fucker just wouldn’t go away. A few scenarios ran through my mind of stupid shit I could text him, but I couldn’t get it up to message him back. I was already at full capacity for drama.
And then I saw I had over a dozen unread texts from my mom.
Fuck.
Mom: Why did you get a new phone number? Is everything okay?
Mom: Why can’t you ever answer your phone?
Mom: Barrett and I have set a date!
Mom: Don’t you want to know when we’re getting married?
Mom: Answer your phone please!
Mom: Don’t you want to be there with me on my wedding day?
Mom: Answer your phone!
Mom: June 1st is our wedding day! I checked your tour schedule and you’re off then. I can’t wait for you to walk me down the aisle
Mom: Answer your phone, please
Mom: I need help with a few wedding deposits. The venue needs 10k up front
Mom: It’s a gorgeous historic ballroom in Long Beach with vaulted ceilings and chandeliers. The pictures will be amazing
Mom: Call me when you get a minute
Mom: I also need a new computer. I lent Barrett the last one you got me
And there it was. More demands for money and even a computer. Awesome. My mom was definitely one of a kind. 10k? Shit. For wedding number…honestly, I’d lost count. I thought people just headed to the justice of the peace after wedding number two.
Why we were still pretending that any relationship she was going to have would last forever? I’d be shocked if it lasted longer than this tour. It was ridiculous.
And a new computer too? Fuck. I’d just given her one a few months back. When she’d asked me to help her find one, I’d given her mine. I hadn’t needed it anymore, and it was so souped up, it’d be able to handle anything she needed to do. But of course she’d given it to douchebag stepdaddy wannabe. The writing was already on the wall with that one. Mooch.
I couldn’t wait to meet him. Again.
That was sarcasm, in case you were confused.
“Hey.” Chase slapped my shoulder and grinned like he hadn’t seen me in ten days. Or like I hadn’t just tried to break up his fight an hour ago. “Thanks for having my back in there.”
“Is that seriously how you remember what’d happened?”
“I mean, yeah. You clearly understood the brief. Don’t fuck around while my sister is on your bus. It means a lot that you’re willing to take one for me.”
The guilt pooling in my stomach was making me nauseous. Acid burned the back of my throat.
“But you know the whole monk routine isn’t required, right? I mean, I know how you like you some strange. You don’t have to totally do without on tour.”
I blinked at him. Work, brain! Say something! I blinked again.
“You all right, bro?” Chase waited a beat then bent closer to me. “Everything works, right? There’s not some medical reason for you keeping it in your pants, is there?”
I choked on my own saliva. Straight up choked. Chest burning, I bent over, coughing my ass off. Finally after a minute, I stood and wiped at my streaming eyes. “What the hell, Chase? Really?”
“Well fuck. What else am I supposed to think? I can’t remember a single time you went celibate. I mean, who would, given what we have access to?”
I grunted in reply.
“I’m taking it that means you don’t want to talk about it.”
“Uh, yeah. Not talking about it.”
“Fine. But I am here when you’re ready or if you need to or whatever. You’re my brother. I’m here for you, man.”
It almost felt like an out-of-body experience. Like it should be happening in slow motion or something. Momentous but for the most fucked up reason ever.
“I’m just glad I have you around to help watch out for Ella.” Chase slapped my shoulder again. “You wouldn’t happen to know who she’s hooking up with, would you? No way it’s with someone worthy of her. There’s not a single fucker like that on the tour that I know of. Well, I guess Wes, but he’s married.”
I grunted again, but that was more due to the pain of my stomach acid burning a hole in my stomach than anything else.
There was a special place in hell for someone like me.
“Hit me up if you find out who the fucker is. I’d love to have a little sit down session and tell him what’s what.”
I jerked my chin at Chase in reply just before Shay yelled for him.
“Thanks, man. I’m counting on you.” Chase patted my shoulder. “And let me know if you want to talk about the other thing. I bet Tyler can hook you up with a good doc or whatever. Just don’t leave it too long, ya know? What! I’m coming, Shay. Jeez.”
After another shoulder slap, Chase walked away.
Leaving me standing there alone with my guilt.
My stalker was right—I was an asshole.