I didn’t think I’d admit this, but I missed Shay being my shadow. After Chase’s throwdown with Xander and my battle with him over my sex life, Shay had stopped asking who I was hooking up with. She said something about not wanting to know, so Chase couldn’t use it against her. I didn’t want to examine that too closely. All I knew was that she was on Team Ella.
She really was the bestest friend.
Shay had lamented how ridiculous my brother had been and vowed to make him make it right. (Not that I cared. I was still too pissed off to talk to him.) Then she’d worked her tailfeathers off getting releases signed, coordinating with Harper or local media. She’d made my job a breeze and left me all the fun of just taking pictures.
But she’d flown out two-ish days ago.
Honestly, all the days were starting to blur together. I couldn’t keep track anymore. I just knew I missed Shay. I had more time to sneak away with Jesse when Shay had been shadowing me.
And I missed having sex with Jesse. I’d finally gotten a taste of him, and it’d been forever ago. Orgasms were great—especially secret ones—but I wanted to feel him above me again, inside me, and that moment when you just held each other after when your breathing synced up, and it felt like everything was perfect…gah. Secret closets and tiny bunks just couldn’t give me that. I wanted it again.
Desperately.
Which was why we were currently in a closet in Charleston.
“How many more days ‘til New York?” I gasped as Jesse slid his fingers out of me.
“Too many.” Jesse rested his forehead against mine. “I’m gonna fucking die if I don’t feel this tight little pussy around my dick again. Soon. Fuck, I should’ve gotten my own tour bus.”
I giggled as I stepped back and tugged my clothing back into place. Orgasms had that effect on me. Hell, Jesse had that effect on me. “That’s ridiculous. And expensive.”
“It would’ve been so worth it,” he muttered as he tucked his miraculously hard again cock into his pants.
I’d spent five minutes on my knees in front of him earlier, and he was already erect again. What I would’ve given to have him inside me now. But we’d already spent too much time MIA. It was only a matter of time before someone came looking for us. And since Shay had already left for her next restaurant gig, we were back to having to cover for ourselves.
I went up on my tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss. He tasted of cherry like the suckers he’d been eating lately. “You couldn’t have known that you’d need a shagging wagon.”
Jesse burst into laughter. “You’re the best kinda ridiculous.”
I was grinning back at him when the door behind him flew open.
“Ah ha!” Xander shouted. All I saw was his euphoric grin and wide eyes in the doorway behind Jesse. Then he blinked and shoved into the cramped closet with us. “Shit.”
I tripped over a mop bucket behind me as the guys crowded into the already tiny space.
Jesse spun around and tried to block Xander’s view of me. “It’s not, uh, shit. It’s exactly what it looks like.”
“What the fuck, Jesse?” Xan spit out. “Are you fucking insane? I knew you weren’t really being a monk. I thought I was catching you in here with Rowan or a groupie or something. Not…this!”
“Right. I mean, I never said I was a monk or whatever. That was all you.” Jesse shrugged. “Unlike some people, I’ve got no problems keeping my mouth shut.”
“Clearly. How long has this been—you know what? I don’t wanna know.” Xander raised his palms. “But this is not cool, man. You don’t fuck around with family.”
“Who says I’m fucking around?”
Xander raised his eyebrows. “The fact that Chase doesn’t know about the two of you pretty much says everything to me.”
“Doesn’t mean I’m not serious about Ella.” Jesse shifted his weight. “I’m just not ready to face Chase about it yet.”
Xander’s eyes widened. “It’s fucked up, Jesse. What the hell were you thinking?”
I waved my hand over Jesse’s shoulder. “Uh, at what point do I get to hop in here and point out that I choose who I sleep with? You guys don’t get to decide something like that for me. Fuck that.”
“I’m not even looking at you, Ella.” A muscle flexed in Xander’s jaw as he stared at Jesse. “But I’m so disappointed in you, El. I thought you were smarter than this.”
“Smarter than what?” I glared at Xander, and my words came so fast it felt like I was spitting them. “Jesse is an awesome person. He’s always been there for me. He’s kind and thoughtful and sexy as hell. So, fuck you and your patriarchal bullshit.”
“This isn’t about who you’re sleeping with because I see you like a big brother, Ella.” And yet Xander still shook his head like a disappointed, patronizing papa. “This is about the two of you fucking with the band. Fucking with our harmony. And fucking with my money. Do you seriously think it’s going to go over well when Chase finds out about the two of you?”
I narrowed my eyes.
“We’ve managed to keep shit together for over a decade, unlike a lot of bands. We put in the work, and you’ve just blown that all up because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants.”
“Fuck you.” Jesse gripped Xander’s shirt in his fist and got in his face. “I don’t give a shit what you say about me, but you will be respectful to Ella. You get me?”
A strained silence thrummed in the tiny closet. It felt like I could taste my heartbeat.
Then Xander gave a tight nod.
I tugged on Jesse’s arm. “Let him go. Please, Jesse.”
After another tense moment, Jesse took a gushing breath, then stepped back into me. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his back.
This wasn’t what I’d wanted. I didn’t want to come between the guys. Break up the band. Fuck.
Fuck.
I heard some shuffling sounds, then Xander cleared his throat. “I’m not the only one who’s going to have issues with this. Fix it. Do whatever you gotta do, but fix it. I’m not losing my life’s work because you and Chase can’t get along. Fix it.”
More shuffling before the door creaked open and then slammed shut.
I took a long, shuddering breath. We breathed together in the closet, sucking up all those toxic fumes as the weight of that scene pressed down on us.
Jesse spun around and wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me tight.
He’d made his choice.
And so had I.
It should’ve been the moment that woke us up. But it wasn’t. So much was on the line with our jobs, with Jesse’s relationships with the guys, and mine too. But we were back to our secret meetups and late-night bunk cuddle sessions. Only now we had to face Xander’s disapproving scowl from the other side of the room.
Even Harper picked up on the tension.
“What’s going on with Xander?” she asked me as she sidled up next to me in Philadelphia during sound check.
I played dumb. “What do you mean?”
“Every time he looks at you, he scowls.”
I laughed unevenly. “Maybe he’s going for that bad boy esthetic. You know, all broody and mysterious.”
Harper cackled. “He already had that in spades. No, this is new. And kinda feels like it’s directed toward you.” She paused and tilted her head. “Did he find out about you and Jesse?”
I had to jump to grab my camera when it almost slipped out of my hands.
“How do you know about that?” I hissed.
“Ella, Ella, Ella.” Harper patted my shoulder. “I know everything. I know that Noah is scoring with the bass tech. I know that Wes is struggling with stuff with his brother. I know that Rowan is sending money home to her grandma. I know that Jesse is trying to quit smoking. I know everything.”
I really wanted to unpack all those calmly tossed out bits—especially the one about Noah—but all I could do was gape at her like a moron.
“But unlike some people, I know how to keep my business and other people’s business on the down low. Something I think Xander needs some lessons in. If he scowls over here one more time, I might just bitch slap him for you.”
I laughed. “Thank you. I think. I, uh, yeah. He found out about us in Charleston. And he hasn’t been exactly nice about it.”
“He’s a knuckle dragging neanderthal. Who you sleep with or do whatever you two get up to in those closets is up to you. You don’t need anyone’s permission.”
I grinned at my new bestie. “Have I told you how much I love you lately?”
“No, but I love you, too.”
“And maybe you need to apply some of that gung-ho-damn-the-torpedoes attitude the next time Tyler comes around. There is absolutely nothing wrong with throwing yourself at someone. Especially someone as good looking as him.”
Harper’s cheeks blazed red. “There is when he’s kinda my boss.”
“Wes is your boss. You and Tyler don’t even work for the same company.” I corrected her then tilted my head as a thought occurred to me. “Actually come to think of it, Jesse is probably more my boss than Tyler is yours. Huh.”
“Jesse has not once tried to tell you what to do. He’s smarter than that. Tyler, on the other hand, bosses me around every time he sees me. I’m not an equal in his eyes. He sees me as a peon.”
“He’s into golden showers?” I blinked exaggeratedly.
Harper gagged. “Gross. I meant—”
“I know what you meant.” I burst into laughter. “And hey, no kink shaming here. If that’s what you’re into…” I backed away slowly with my hands in the air.
“You’re ridiculous!” Harper shouted at me.
Giggling, I turned away and pulled my vibrating cell phone out of my back pocket. My smile widened when I saw Mom on the call display.
“Hey, Mama,” I said after I answered the call. With one hand cupping my phone to my ear, I ran down the aisle to an exit and sweet, sweet silence. Or at least a somewhat quieter location. “Long time no talk.”
“You don’t have to yell!” my mom yelled back.
Wincing, I popped out my earplugs. Holding my phone to my ear again, I apologized. “Sorry. Don’t even realize I’m doing it.”
“That’s okay, Ella Bella. How’s life on the road? Have you met anyone interesting?”
“Mom. We’re so not talking about that.”
“Ooh, so you have. Who is it? Are you guys serious? Monogamous? Or just having fun?”
“Again, we’re so not talking about this.” Leave it to my mom to not get bent out of shape at the thought of me sleeping around on a rock tour. She was awesomeness personified. “How’s things back home? Did you get that puppy you were thinking about?”
“Nah, a puppy would inhibit my ability to stop in on your guys’ tour. Which is my way of saying that I’m meeting you all in New York. Chase already arranged my flights. Or he had that girl, Piper, do it for me anyhow. She’s so nice. Have you gotten to know her?”
“Harper,” I corrected absently as my heart raced. My mom was joining us on tour. In New York.
WHY?!
I was finally going to get to enjoy a hotel room with Jesse for a few days, and now my mom was showing up? I could’ve cried.
“Right. Harper. I knew that. And I know what you’re thinking—I’m not coming out there to check up on you guys. I just miss my family. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen you guys, and I definitely need some time with Shay too.”
“Yeah. No, I get it. I miss you too, Mom.” My heart thumped unevenly. I still wasn’t thrilled with the news though. We seriously needed to get my mom a man in her life. Maybe I’d steal her phone and upload her on a dating app or something. Hook her up with a roadie.
I shuddered at the thought. Then again, maybe not.
“I think I fly in on your second day in New York. Let me check.” There was some rustling on the line. “Yep. Second day. And I think I’ll join you guys in Boston too, but don’t worry. I’m not riding along. Bus life is not for me. Chase—or I should say Harper—arranged a private car service and hotel stays for me. Anyway, I can’t wait to see you guys!”
“I can’t either, Ma,” I said weakly.
“Okay. Have fun. Be responsible. Use condoms. I’ll see you in a few days.”
“See you in a few days,” I repeated. “Love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
“Bye.” I ended the call and just stood there staring into space.
We had two days to come up with a plan. Yay.
I went through the rest of my day on autopilot. The tension was still high and obvious between Xander and Jesse. We were lucky that Chase was still in ‘Missing Shay Mode’ and didn’t notice anything backstage.
But Noah did.
“What the fuck crawled up Xander’s asshole and died?” Noah asked as I picked over the food laid out before the concert.
I almost swallowed my tongue. “I don’t know. You should totally ask him though. And please use those same exact words.”
Noah shrugged and spun around, clearly headed toward Xander.
“No!” I shrieked, grabbing his arm.
“What the hell?”
“That was a joke. Clearly. Gah, do you not get sarcasm?”
“Little-R, you’re so much fun to fuck with.” He plucked a chicken wing off my plate. “So how long has Xan known about you and…” He tipped his head.
I sighed and snagged a few more wings. Apparently it was an open secret now. “Since Charleston.”
Noah hummed as he devoured my wings. He paused and wiped his chin with the back of his hand. “And I’m guessing big bro doesn’t know, since there hasn’t been any nuclear fallout?”
“Ha. No. We’re not ready to tell him yet, but given the number of people who know now, we should probably come up with a plan.”
“Or you know, just stop making out in literally every corner backstage. He’s going to trip over you two one of these days, and it’s not going to end well if that’s how he finds out.”
“We have not been making out in every corner,” I corrected like that was the important part of what he’d said. Then I sighed. “But you’re right. Although every scenario I’ve come up with all end the same way in my mind.”
Noah winced. “Yeah, to be honest, I don’t really see that ending well either. Chase is a pretty easygoing guy unless it comes to family. Or Shay.”
I nodded, and we munched on wings in companionable silence for a few moments.
Noah grabbed his fifth wing off my plate and hitched his shoulder. “I guess you just have to ask yourself if the potential—or maybe make that definite—fallout is worth it.”
I grunted and handed him my still mostly full plate.
The chicken wings weren’t really sitting well in my stomach all of a sudden.
I turned Noah’s words over and over in my head as I went about my work during the concert.
When they hit the middle of their set, Noah jumped up and made a big deal of stripping his shirt off like Jesse used to. I’d asked Jesse back in Florida what happened to his missing striptease act, and he’d said something about letting the other guys have the spotlight. Then he’d grinned down at me and said he’d finally gotten the attention of the only girl who mattered.
Me. I was the girl who mattered.
And I knew. Anything that happened when Chase found out about me and Jesse would be worth it.
Because Jesse was the guy who mattered to me.