Maybe they called it a crush because it was so goddamn painful.
I tried to keep my face blank as I stared across the room of my graduation party to where Jesse was currently flirting with my ‘friend’ Marissa.
I used quotes because no one in high school had ever really been my friend. They all used me to try to get closer to my brother and his bandmates—either because the poser friends wanted to be famous themselves or because my brother’s bandmates were stupid hot.
Case in point, Jesse Mala. My brother’s best friend. Bass player in the Tin Gods. And my lifelong—and painful—crush.
Marissa leaned into Jesse and rested her hand on his chest. Jesse didn’t move her hand, but he did raise his eyebrows. There was something extra in his eyes as they continued to talk. I had to look away. It was just too painful.
Jesse never looked at me that way.
Maybe it was time to accept the fact that he never would.
“Congrats, brat.”
I straightened away from the wall I’d been leaning against as my brother approached with a cigarette in one hand and a carefree grin on his face. “Thanks, Chase.” I rolled my eyes. “‘Cause you know it was so hard to do.”
“Hey, don’t knock it. Not everyone graduates high school. And I remember how tough it was to keep showing up.”
I shrugged. It was hard to accept praise for accomplishing the bare minimum. It wasn’t like I was valedictorian or had a big future planned. I wasn’t going to college. I hated school.
I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do next.
“Just enjoy the moment, El. It goes by so damn fast.” Chase wrapped his arms around me and pulled in for a rare and awkward hug, careful to keep his cigarette away from me. Tears filmed my eyes at the gesture. Somehow my brother always knew when I needed that little something extra. Finally, he pulled back and patted my head in that oh so condescendingly way he had. “No boys and no booze. See ya later, runt.”
And then he walked away in a haze of cigarette smoke, squealing girls, and tough guy air.
I felt so annoyed and loved at the same time.
“Ass,” I muttered at his retreating back.
“Damn, Ella. That’s no way to talk to your favorite guy.” Suddenly Jesse was at my side with that cocky smirk still on his face. It was grating and yet so freaking hot.
“Since when are you my favorite guy?” I retorted with a roll of my eyes.
He had his trademarked cigarette behind one ear and that auburn scruff on his jawline that I couldn’t help but imagine rubbing against my thighs. Not that I knew anything about that. Both guys I’d been with had only been interested in getting me onto my knees or didn’t have the space in their backseat.
“…you okay?” Jesse waved a hand in front of my face. “Shit, don’t tell me you’re on something? I thought you were smarter than that.”
I blinked. “Wait, what? I didn’t take anything. Are you kidding me? I don’t have a death wish. Ma would kill me.”
“You got that right.” Jesse’s shoulders jerked with his laugh. “I remember this one time Chase and I stumbled home from a party. She caught us in the garage and…I don’t think I should finish that story.” He coughed roughly and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Why not? It’s not like much has changed, judging by what I saw backstage at your guys’ show last month.”
Jesse winced. “Fuck, if we’d known you were coming—”
“Chase wouldn’t have been so blitzed? Noah and Xander wouldn’t have been snorting coke? You wouldn’t have had three girls climbing all over you?”
He cursed under his breath.
I shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. I know who you guys are. And I know where I fall on the priority list. He sent me tickets, but it was stupid to assume that meant he wanted me to be there.”
“Hey, now that’s not true, bug.” Jesse wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. “You know he didn’t mean the shit he yelled, right? That was the liquor and the drugs talking.”
“Doesn’t make what he said any less true. I know I don’t belong there with you guys. I’m just the little sister. The hanger-on.”
“Fuck that.” Jesse pulled away to stare intently into my eyes. “You belong where the fuck you push your way in. You deserve whatever the fuck you want. Don’t ever settle for anything less.”
I couldn’t help the little hitch in my breath as I absorbed his words. And that look in his eyes. It was even more intense than the moment I’d peeped on earlier with Marissa.
Jesse opened his mouth like he was going to say something more, but nothing came out. His eyes glittered, and I could feel the intensity that was all of him focused on me. His gaze darted down to my lips, and he licked his own.
It was this amazing, huge moment that felt suspended in time.
Jesse saw me.
Jesse finally saw me and wanted more.
Holy shit, was he going to kiss me?
“Jesse!” My brother hollered from the other side of the room. “We’re ready to roll. You coming?”
And the moment was over.
I tore my gaze from his and stared down at the heels I’d thought made me look so grown up. I knew what he was going to say before the words even left his mouth.
“Fuck yeah! Let’s go. Congrats again, bug. We’re all proud of you.”
I nodded without looking up at him. I could feel him hovering next to me for a moment, no doubt waiting for me to acknowledge him.
But I couldn’t. I knew it would hurt.
Of course it hurt even more when I saw him walk out the door with one arm wrapped around Marissa Mccoy.
Fuck my life.