THE Automobile Association sign announced that the township of Silverstream was still one hundred kilometres away.
Kelly had insisted on driving to give her friend a much-needed break.
‘Tell me about Silverstream,’ she invited. ‘Is it a good place to live?’
‘It’s just your average New Zealand small town, I guess,’ Jessica responded. ‘A few shops and a war memorial on the main street. A few hundred inhabitants. More pubs than churches. A district high school an hour away by bus. Lots of sheep farms around and a good rugby team. A medical centre but no hospital.’
‘That’s where you work, yes?’
‘Yes. I’m the practice nurse. Our GP, Jim Summer is getting on, though. He’s in his seventies so he’s been getting me to do more of the house calls. It was Jim who encouraged me to go nursing in the first place and he’s always got some idea on how I can improve my qualifications. He was the one who found out about the USAR course and persuaded me to apply for it. I qualified as a midwife a while back and then I did a PRIME course two years ago.’
‘Good for you,’ Kelly said warmly. ‘The ambulance service had just started running those courses for isolated rural medical centres when I went to Australia. How did you find it?’
‘It was brilliant.’ Jessica found herself sighing lightly as she remembered the thrill of receiving that qualification. Primary responder in medical emergencies. Jessica had the knowledge and equipment to deal with at least the initial response to any major trauma and medical crises that occurred in and around Silverstream. She wore a pager and had a magnetic flashing light she could attach to the roof of her car. ‘It’s my favourite part of the job now but I only get a decent callout once a month or so.’ Her face lit up. ‘I had a great save a few months ago with an unstable infarct that arrested on me. I had him back in sinus rhythm and conscious by the time the helicopter arrived from Dunedin.’
‘You should be a paramedic.’ Kelly gave Jessica a sideways glance as she slowed the car for an approaching bend. ‘You sound enough like one.’
‘That would be my dream career,’ Jessica confessed.
‘So why don’t you do it?’
‘We don’t run to an ambulance service in Silverstream. They get sent up from Dunedin or we get a chopper for serious stuff if one’s available. They’ve talked about training volunteers to run a service but getting funding for a vehicle and equipment would be tough. It’s not a wealthy area.’
‘So why not move somewhere bigger?’ Kelly suggested. ‘Hey! Come up to Christchurch. Wouldn’t that be great? Ricky could keep going to that special school and you could become an ambulance officer.’ She grinned. ‘And Wendy and I would get to see a lot more of you.’
‘Who would look after Ricky?’ Jessica shook her head sadly. ‘I don’t think it’s even on the cards, Kelly. Not for a few years, anyway. Even without Mum I might still be able to keep up part-time work at the medical centre. Jim is very understanding.’
‘How long have you lived in Silverstream?’
‘All my life. Jim delivered me, in fact.’ Jessica smiled. ‘And I delivered his first great-grandchild last year. Kind of a neat circle.’
‘Jim’s the one making the funeral arrangements, isn’t he?’
Jessica nodded. ‘He’s great. Closest thing to a father I’ve ever had and he’s a bit of a character. My mother didn’t really approve of him. Mind you, she didn’t approve of men, full stop.’
Kelly’s glance was curious. ‘Has it always been just you and your mum? What happened to your father?’
‘I don’t know anything about him,’ Jessica admitted. ‘Mum always got terribly upset when I asked questions so I gave up in the end. Even Jim never found out who he was. Mum arrived in Silverstream about eight months pregnant. She got off the bus with one bag of clothes and no money and promptly went into labour.’
‘Good grief! What happened?’
Jessica chuckled. ‘I was born. The community rallied around and found a house for Mum to rent. She earned enough as a dressmaker and piano teacher for us to survive. And she devoted herself to bringing me up. Nothing else mattered to her.’ Jessica blinked back tears. ‘She was a great mother. I’m going to miss her so much.’
‘I know.’ Kelly took one hand off the steering-wheel to pat Jessica’s knee sympathetically. ‘I’m so sorry, Jess.’
Jessica just nodded. She turned her head to stare out of the side window while she struggled to control the new wave of grief assaulting her. There was something darker mixed with the grief as well. Jessica couldn’t shake the blame she was laying at her own feet. Her mother had been the only family she had ever known and although the devotion had seemed suffocating at times, her attempts to break free had only resulted in disaster. And yet her mother had still been prepared to pick up the pieces and make things right for her again.
Following her teenage dream of becoming a nurse had been the first disaster. The years of training had been her first experience of a larger city and a lifestyle her mother would definitely not have entirely condoned, and she had been justified in her opinion. Jessica might have benefited by absorbing a little more of Norma Drummond’s distrust of men. Then she might not have ended up trying to deal with the emotional deception from a much older man who had never had any intention of leaving a wife Jessica had not known even existed. And she wouldn’t have been subjected to the abuse and threatened consequences that had scared her out of her wits and driven her to promise that she would never attempt to pin a paternity suit on the man. He’d died in a car accident when Ricky had been six months old, and her mother had been grimly satisfied.
‘It’s no more than he deserved,’ she had pronounced. ‘And at least he can’t interfere with our lives. We’ll manage just fine by ourselves.’
And so they had, with Jim Summer’s kindly assistance. Ricky had been born prematurely and had been a sickly baby. Those first years had required devoted care from both Jessica and Norma to ensure his survival. Jessica’s world could well have narrowed again to the point of suffocation if Dr Summer hadn’t kept up the mentorship that had been apparent ever since Jessica had expressed her first interest in medicine. Jim had persuaded Jessica to work as a practice nurse and had gently nudged up the hours she spent away from home. His encouragement had led to the short breaks away to attend courses but it had been Jessica’s idea to disrupt Ricky’s tightly guarded routine to bring her mother and son to Christchurch for the duration of the USAR course. Ricky had never been away from Silverstream and the consequences of Jessica’s decision would haunt her for ever. It had been another life disaster and this time her mother wasn’t going to help her pick up any of the pieces. Jessica was on her own. She brushed away her tears and shook her head.
‘What is it?’ Kelly queried gently. ‘Is it anything you want to talk about?’
‘I went on that USAR course hoping it might change my life in some way,’ Jessica said slowly. ‘I got rather more than I bargained for, didn’t I?’
‘It’s not your fault, Jess,’ Kelly said firmly. ‘It’s happened and it’s awful but you can’t blame yourself.’
‘Maybe not,’ Jessica agreed. ‘But it’s sure as hell changed my life, hasn’t it? Nothing is ever going to be the same.’
The little house on Elizabeth Street was just the same, however. So was Dr Jim Summer.
‘Everything’s hunky-dory,’ he informed Jessica as soon as he released her from a bear hug accompanied by very sympathetic mutterings. ‘The church committee ladies have rallied admirably. The funeral’s all arranged, the flowers have been done and Reverend Barlow will be over later to discuss the service. The ladies are going to put on tea and cakes in the hall afterwards. They might even run to a sausage roll or two, if we’re lucky.’
‘Thanks so much, Jim. I wouldn’t have known where to start with all this.’ Jessica hesitated. ‘Is Mum…I mean, where…?’
‘Norma’s at the funeral home in the care of old Johnno Bates. You can go and see her any time you like.’ Jim chuckled rather wickedly. ‘Let’s hope she’s not looking down on us. She never could stand that man, could she? What was it she used to call him? That’s right. The village vulture.’
Jessica couldn’t help smiling. Trust Jim not to worry about not speaking ill of the dead. Jim was far too honest not to call a spade a spade. Fortunately, he was so genial and such a loved part of the community he seemed incapable of causing real offence.
‘Jim, this is my friend, Kelly Drummond. She’s a paramedic and she was on the USAR course with me.’
‘Delighted.’ Kelly was treated to a warm handshake. ‘Jessica needs some friends. A town this size hasn’t got nearly enough to offer someone with her intelligence and abilities.’
‘Oh, Jim!’ Jessica was embarrassed. ‘Come off it! This town is great. For me and especially for Ricky.’
‘How is the sprat?’ Jim’s lined face crinkled even more with genuine concern. ‘It’s not like you to leave him with just anyone.’
‘Joe’s not just anyone. He’s a good friend,’ Jessica assured him. ‘And Ricky…talks to him.’
‘No!’ Jim’s expression underlined his comprehension of the comment’s significance. Then he grinned. ‘A good friend, huh? Excellent!’
‘It’s not like that,’ Jessica protested, but Jim was busy exchanging an exaggeratedly meaningful glance with Kelly who was grinning broadly. She liked this man.
‘I’ll leave you two ladies to settle in,’ Jim told them. ‘As usual, Norma left it without a hair out of place but it’s been aired and Kay’s left some groceries in the fridge. Just call me if you need anything else tonight.’ He paused at the door. ‘The funeral’s at 2 p.m. tomorrow. Will you be heading straight back to Christchurch?’
‘No, we’re planning to head back on Saturday afternoon. I need to pack up and sort out the house and garden a bit if I’m going to be away for another few weeks.’
‘Hmm.’ Jim seemed reluctant to leave quite yet. ‘Where are you going to stay while the lad goes to this special school?’ His hopeful look was mischievous. ‘With this Joe?’
‘No.’ Jessica flapped her hand. ‘Go away, Jim. You’re not going to turn this into the latest gossip. I don’t know where we’ll stay yet. I’ll figure that out after I get this funeral over with.’
Kelly waited until Jim had closed the front door of the tiny house behind him. ‘You could stay with me at my mother’s place,’ she offered. ‘I’m sure it would be OK.’
‘Thanks, Kelly. I’ll let you know. Joe’s expecting me to stay on Saturday night. He says he’s got plenty of space for both of us.’
‘Oh…’ Kelly’s smile was not unlike Jim’s hopeful expression.
Jessica turned away to hide the colour she could feel creeping into her cheeks but Kelly wasn’t going to let her away with it that easily.
‘You really like Joe, don’t you, Jess?’
Jessica nodded shyly. ‘I suspect it’s entirely one-sided, though, so, please, don’t say anything. Especially to Jim. It was his matchmaking that led to the romantic disaster I had a couple of years back.’
‘Really? Who was that with?’
‘The new district vet. Young, single and good-looking. Jim had plans for us to walk down the aisle within a day of Chris arriving in Silverstream.’
‘You didn’t like him?’
‘Oh, I liked him fine. We ended up getting engaged.’
‘And?’
‘And then he suggested that we leave Ricky for my mother to bring up. We could move on somewhere else and have our own children one day. Normal children.’
‘What a creep.’
‘You said it. Anyway, with the way things are with Joe right now, I’d prefer the way I feel to be our secret.’
‘Sure. I don’t think it’s as one-sided as you think, though. I was blown away when Joe offered to look after Ricky for you.’
‘Why?’
‘Joe has a reputation for…’ Kelly poked her tongue into her cheek as she pondered the most tactful phrasing she could use. ‘Ah…he’s always let people think he’s not keen on kids. Apparently his marriage broke up because his wife wanted children and he didn’t.’
‘Oh.’ Jessica stood very still for a moment and then nodded. ‘I thought there was something like that going on. The way he looked at me in class changed as soon as I mentioned Ricky.’
‘But don’t you see? He’s made an exception now. For a man who supposedly can’t stand being around kids it’s pretty significant for him to offer to babysit, isn’t it?’
‘Maybe he just likes Ricky,’ Jessica suggested. ‘They spent a lot of time together in that truck. Or maybe he feels a connection because he saved Ricky’s life.’
‘Maybe.’ Kelly’s smile was encouraging. ‘But that’s not a bad place to start, is it?’
‘No.’ Jessica had to agree. Even the opportunity of a start was more than she had hoped to get.
Thoughts about Joe and even about Ricky had to be put well into the background as Jessica coped with the preparation and then the ordeal of her mother’s funeral. Many people got up at the end of the formal part of the service to say something about Norma’s life and Jim Summer was, as usual, kind but honest.
‘Norma was a very private person, as we know. None of us knew precisely what brought her to Silverstream but it was clearly an escape from something she wanted to forget. Happily for us, she didn’t arrive entirely by herself and it was my pleasure to introduce young Jessie to the world ten minutes after I met Norma.’ His chuckle echoed around the small church. ‘Hell of a way to get to know someone but I think Norma forgave me eventually.
‘She was a devoted mother,’ Jim continued with a smile at Jessica. ‘And while some of us considered her over-protective, it didn’t seem to do Jessie too much harm in the long run.’
Jessica stared at her hands. Her mother had been over-protective but she herself had never considered it a fault. She tuned out of the next person’s praise for Norma’s contribution to the community’s musical skills as a distant memory surfaced. She’d been maybe seven or eight years old and she had persuaded her mother to let her take horse-riding lessons. Her best friend had attended a riding school and Jessica had been desperately keen to give it a go despite her nervousness. Her mother’s agreement had been grudging.
‘I’m not at all sure about this, dear. Horse riding is dangerous. People fall off and break their necks all the time. I couldn’t bear it if you ended up in a wheelchair for the rest of your life.’
‘I won’t fall off, Mum. I promise. Please, let me do it. Please!’
Her mother had only been worried because she’d loved her so much. That was why she’d come to watch the lesson and why she’d been there within a few seconds of Jessica falling off as she’d lost her stirrup and then her balance at her first attempt to trot.
‘You’re OK. Get back on and try again.’ The instructor was brisk. The rest of the class, including Jessica’s friend Amie, were waiting to continue the lesson.
‘Maybe she doesn’t want to get back on.’ Norma was ready to stand by her daughter.
‘If she doesn’t get back on, even for a short time, she’ll lose her confidence.’
Jessica hadn’t had that much confidence to begin with. The rest of the girls were staring at her. The pony was staring at her. They had all decided she was useless. ‘I don’t want to get back on.’ She struggled not to cry. ‘My bottom hurts.’
Her mother was comforting. At least she’d tried. She could try again if she really wanted to but Jessica didn’t want to risk that embarrassment again. Her friendship with Amie faded rapidly and Jessica joined the school orchestra and choir instead of the pony club. She joined the drama club at high school. It didn’t matter that she never got given a major part. Her mother was always there in the audience, as proud of Jessica’s achievements as if they’d been her own.
Kelly listened to the short speeches. She walked with an arm around Jessica as they went on to the graveside ceremony and then to the adjacent hall for a late afternoon tea. Many tears had been shed but there had been laughter as well, mainly thanks to Jim Summer’s contributions. Kelly could see the affection which the small community had for Jessica; she could understand why Silverstream represented a safe haven. She could also see why the elderly GP felt it was too small a pond for Jessica to thrive in.
‘Whatever will we do without Norma to lead the church choir?’ an elderly woman queried over the tea and cakes. ‘Will you be able to take that on, Jessica, dear?’
‘Maybe.’ Jessica sounded as weary as she looked. ‘But I can’t make any promises at the moment, Dorothy.’
‘Of course you can’t.’ Another woman patted her arm. ‘Now…I’ve got some lovely dahlia tubers I’d saved for Norma. It’ll be time to get them into the garden soon.’
‘Thanks, Ethel. I’ll come and visit you as soon as I have time.’
‘We miss you,’ A grey-haired man said gruffly. He nodded at Kelly. ‘Jessie cured my ulcer. I thought I was going to lose my foot but she came to dress it every day for weeks.’
Kelly wasn’t surprised that Jessica looked relieved when it was all over. Jim escorted them from the community hall back to Kelly’s little house.
‘Now, then.’ He rubbed his hands together as soon as the door was closed. ‘I stashed a bottle of gin in here the other day. I think we could all use a stiff drink, don’t you?’
Jessica excused herself for a few minutes to make a phone call.
‘Joe…Hi. How’s it going?’
‘Ricky’s fine. We’re having a ball. How did today go?’
‘There was a great turnout for the funeral. Mum made a lot of friends over the years.’
‘You sound tired. Are you OK?’
‘I’m exhausted,’ Jessica admitted, ‘and totally wrung out. I’m very glad it’s over.’
‘I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.’ Joe’s tone was gentle. Sincere.
Jessica hugged the thought that Joe would have even considered being there to support her. ‘You’re helping me more than I’ll ever be able to thank you for, Joe. I’ve had a chance to say goodbye to my mother and remember the good things. Even some of the not so good things. If Ricky had been here I would have been far too distracted to deal with any of that.’ She switched gear mentally. Now seemed the right time to start thinking of the present and the future rather than the past. ‘How are you managing? Is Ricky behaving himself? Is his arm OK?’
‘He’s fine,’ Joe repeated firmly. ‘No problems with the arm. I’ve been watching for any signs of swelling in his hand or the cast getting too loose. He doesn’t seem bothered by it at all. It did take him a while to thaw out yesterday, though. He ignored me for an hour or so and sat in the corner and rocked. He was kind of singing to himself as well.’
‘Oh.’ Jessica bit her lip. Ricky looked weird when he did that. People always stared and tutted sadly as they registered the unusual behaviour. It was worse when he hummed and Jessica cringed inwardly as she imagined Joe’s reaction.
‘He snapped out of it when I told him we were running out of time to do any work on the car before he went to bed. He helped me with some wiring and we got the headlights working again.’ Joe couldn’t disguise the pleasure in his voice. ‘You should have seen Ricky’s smile when they finally worked.’
‘Did he sleep all right?’
‘Went out like a light,’ Joe reported. He omitted the fact that he and Ricky had been up till 11 p.m. getting the damned lights to work. It was the kind of detail a mother who stipulated a 7 p.m. bedtime probably didn’t need to know. ‘He slept till 6 a.m. Then I woke up to find him in my bed.’
‘Oh, no!’ Jessica was embarrassed. ‘I’m sorry. He always does that with me but I never thought he would with anyone else.’ In fact, the thought of her son going to someone else for his early morning cuddle was a little disturbing.
‘I didn’t mind.’ Joe was offhand. ‘We got up not long after that, anyway.’ He wasn’t going to admit to the shock the child’s arrival in his bed had been. Or the fact that he had lain there in stunned silence while Ricky had calmly burrowed under his arm and gone back to sleep. Or that he’d drifted back to sleep himself and not woken until 8 a.m. to find Ricky still snuggled beneath his arm.
‘But still…’
‘It’s not as if we haven’t slept together before,’ Joe reminded her lightly. ‘We spent quite a while in that furniture truck, you know.’
‘Mmm.’ Jessica accepted the glass Jim was pushing into her hand. She ignored the knowing smile and wink that indicated Kelly had passed on the information that she was talking to Joe. ‘Is he eating all right? He usually doesn’t in other people’s houses.’
‘He’s eating like a horse,’ Joe assured her. ‘We’re just getting ready to barbecue some sausages for dinner. Ricky’s buttering the bread.’
‘With a knife?’
There was a distinct pause as Joe considered the anxious tone of voice. ‘Bit hard to do it with anything else, isn’t it?’ he asked mildly.
‘He’s very accident-prone.’
‘It’s not a carving knife, Jess.’ Joe decided that the fact Ricky had helped slice the onions was something else she didn’t need to know.
Jessica sipped her drink. Joe sounded calm. Maybe things were under control. ‘What has he been doing today?’
‘We worked on the Mustang this morning. Then I mowed my lawns and when Ricky got sick of helping he went to play with his cars in the sandpit.’
‘You’ve got a sandpit?’
‘Not exactly.’ Joe chuckled. ‘I had a huge pile of sand delivered a couple of years ago when I was planning to fix the driveway. When we pulled out some of the weeds it looked like a good spot to make roads.’ Joe had absolutely no intention of confessing that he’d enjoyed the activity almost as much as Ricky. He hadn’t used his sand-roadmaking skills since primary school. Felt kind of funny. He’d half expected a teacher to appear and yell at them to get back into class.
‘Sounds fun,’ Jessica said.
‘Yeah.’ Joe cleared his throat. ‘Do you want to talk to Ricky now?’
‘Oh, don’t try and give him the phone. He freaks out with voices that aren’t coming from someone he can see.’
‘Hmm.’ Joe glanced over to where Ricky had stopped tearing huge holes in the slices of bread he was trying to butter. He was sawing the table leg with the knife instead. And making that odd humming noise again. ‘OK. We’ll see you tomorrow, then.’
‘Yes. Probably about 5 p.m. I’m going to sort out some of Ricky’s clothes and toys to bring up.’
‘Drive carefully.’
‘Give Ricky a big kiss for me.’ Jessica hung up the phone, colouring slightly as she wondered how Joe would have reacted to the automatic way she’d always finished phone conversations with her mother. She couldn’t imagine the large paramedic kissing her child. In fact, the only person she’d dared imagine Joe kissing was herself. Her cheeks became even warmer.
‘That gin and tonic’s obviously doing you the power of good,’ Jim declared with satisfaction as she returned to the kitchen. ‘You’ve been looking as washed out as my old Y-fronts all day.’
‘Oh, please!’ Jessica grimaced. ‘Kelly does not want to know about your Y-fronts, Jim.’
‘Don’t I?’ Kelly had nearly finished her drink. She grinned at the older man. ‘Is there something I should know?’
Jessica sat down. Kelly and Jim had clearly reinforced their friendship while she’d been on the phone. They appeared to be getting on very well. Too well, maybe.
‘Kelly and I have been having a wee chat about you, Jessie.’
‘Oh?’
Jim looked sombre for a moment. ‘You’re facing big changes in your life.’
‘I know.’ Jessica sighed. ‘I get the feeling that this marks the real transition into adulthood for me. I’m going to have to depend on myself from now on. Ricky doesn’t have anybody else.’
‘He’s got me,’ Jim reminded her. ‘And Kay. Though she’s getting a bit doddery and I’m not exactly a spring chicken any more. Who knows how long it’ll be before I’m pushing up daisies?’
‘A long time, I hope.’ Jessica didn’t like the way Jim was looking at her.
‘I’m going to have to retire, Jessie,’ the GP said carefully.
‘You’ve been saying that for ten years.’
‘This time I mean it. The old ticker’s not behaving itself so well these days.’
‘What? You’ve never said anything about having heart problems.’
‘It’s not serious,’ Jim said lightly. ‘But I do need to slow down a bit. It’s why I advertised the practice a few weeks ago.’
‘Oh.’ Jessica tried to absorb the implications. ‘Have you got someone interested?’
Jim nodded. ‘Keen young chap. His wife’s a nurse.’
Jessica avoided meeting his eye. ‘I guess they’ll want to work together, then.’
‘Eventually. She’s expecting their first baby in a month or two. She won’t want to work for a while yet.’
‘But then I’ll be out of a job.’ It wasn’t a question and the concern on Jim’s face confirmed her assumption.
‘Kelly here tells me you’d like to be an ambulance officer. She also tells me the training programme in Christchurch is first rate.’
‘It wouldn’t be possible. Not with Ricky.’
‘Don’t make things impossible, Jessie,’ Jim said kindly. ‘You’ve always been one to look for the problems, not the solutions. A real worry wart you are.’
‘I know more than one ambulance officer with young children.’ Kelly added. ‘There are some wonderful day-care centres in town.’
‘But Ricky’s different.’
‘Another good reason to live in a larger city,’ Jim said quietly. ‘How much help are you going to find in Silverstream to help Ricky be the best he can be?’
Jessica’s small teeth worried at her lower lip. ‘If I did move, it would be for Ricky’s sake.’
‘Don’t sacrifice your own dreams,’ Jim said sagely. ‘Ricky won’t thank you for it in the long run and you deserve a life as well.’
‘I’ll think about it,’ Jessica conceded. ‘I’ll just wait and see how the next few weeks go. Right now I need to focus on Ricky, not myself. It’s not going to be easy with him trying school for the first time.’
‘I have a feeling it’s going to be exactly what he needs,’ Jim told her. ‘And it might open your eyes to some new possibilities. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are, Jessie. You just need the confidence to use that strength, and now that Norma’s gone you’re going to have to.’
‘I know.’ Jessica took a deep breath. Jim wasn’t to know she’d already recognised that strength. Or that she’d resolved to hang onto it.
‘You can do it,’ Kelly encouraged softly. ‘I know you can, Jess.’
Jessica nodded. Then she smiled. She was too tired to want to think about the future right now but later, just before sleep claimed her, a frisson of excitement sent a tiny shiver down her spine. Maybe she could channel that strength into achieving her dreams. Vague snatches of those dreams caught the edges of her sleepy thoughts. A real school for Ricky and help to overcome his disability. An exciting new career. A relationship that went somewhere. Was it just emotional exhaustion that chased traces of the day’s grief into temporary abeyance or was it some secret belief that at least one of those dreams might come true?
No…not just one.
All of them.