LORDY, I LOVED THE kids in my class, but it was Monday, and the twenty-four fourth graders in my last class had been in rare form. My coffee was gone before I knew it, and I looked at the clock to see if I had time for another cup. A resigned breath escaped my mouth, and I slouched further in my chair in the teachers’ lounge. Hopefully, the next bunch ran off some of their energy in the P.E. class before mine. Ugh!

“Break’s almost over, girl.” Josie had to go poking me with her proverbial stick. She and I had several education classes together in college at Iowa State, and I loved working with her. We had gotten pretty close, but nowhere as close as Steph and I were. She was from a small town not far from here, but with no jobs available in her area, good old Council Bluffs was the closest area with positions. So, there we were, both dreading going back to class. Mondays were the worst because the kids had been out of their routine for two whole days, and it was like starting at square one with them every Monday.

Giving her the stink eye and sticking my tongue out at her, I got up to rinse out my mug and place it on the drying mat by the sink. Leaning against the counter, I folded my arms and prepared to ask her the question I had been trying to find the words for during our entire break.

“Hey, Josie. Umm, did you still have that room you were trying to rent out?” She had bought a three-bedroom house and usually had two roommates to help with the payment, but Tanya, her second roommate, had gotten married and moved out.

I brushed at an invisible speck of lint on my blouse. Over two months had passed since I returned from Vegas. Two months since, at Trevor and my mom’s hounding, I agreed to “try to make thing work” with Trevor. Of course, not a damn thing was different, and yet I was still with him, so I tried to avoid him as much as possible. Who was this pushover bitch and what had she done with the Becca I used to be?

“Actually, yes, I do. Why? Who do you know that’s looking? Do I know them? It’s not some weirdo, is it? I require references, you know.” She crossed her arms over her chest, tipped her chin down, and gave me the raised eyebrow look. Josie was a darling, but she was very reserved, and I imagined she had been a bit of a nerd in high school. In college, she was quiet and kept to herself unless we had a study group together. She could be super pretty if she would think of getting contacts and doing a little something with herself. It was oh so wrong, but I couldn’t help thinking she was who Trevor should have hooked up with. She was just sweet and kind of, well, plain. Mousy brownish-blonde hair, parted in the middle, straight as a board and long, and no makeup ever topped off her dang-near Laura Ingalls look.

“Well, funny you should ask… it’s me. Most of my references would be the same ones you would use. The only rental reference I have is from when Steph and I were in college.” Suppressing a laugh at her owl-like expression, I gave her a pleading look.

“Uh, yeah, okay. But if you don’t mind my asking, is there something going on? I thought you and Trevor lived together and were like practically married. He’s such a sweet man. Don’t tell me he broke up with you? Or… no way. Don’t tell me you broke up with him?” She was so nice, but evidently easily shocked and amazed.

Why did everyone have to seem so surprised I would want to end things with Trevor? First my mom, now Josie. Couldn’t anyone see what he was like? Maybe it was just me. No, because Steph couldn’t stand him. He didn’t like kids, and he had been condescending to her anytime she and Remi came to visit me until she quit coming. Because he didn’t want children, I wasn’t supposed to want them. It was frustrating. Looking at the clock again, I saw I only had about five minutes to get back to class.

“I don’t really have time to get into it now, but if you’re okay with me moving in, I’d love to be able to do it ASAP.” I clasped my hands in supplication at her and put on my best pout. She started laughing at my antics and told me I could swing by tonight to sign the rental agreement and move in any time after that. Hugging her tightly with a jubilant and profuse “thank you” pouring from my mouth, I told her I would be by tonight and, hopefully, moving in this weekend.

Maybe it was a small thing, but making definitive plans to move out and move on with my life lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. It was as if the skies were a little brighter and my heart was a little lighter.

You would think four days would be more than enough time to discuss with Trevor my plans to move out. Yet, here it was Thursday and I still hadn’t had a chance. Either he wasn’t home, I wasn’t home, or he was “too busy with work” to talk to me. He spent nearly every waking moment in his home office. Well, that was fine. I didn’t need much time to tell him, and I was going to corner him that night. Period.

Dinner was made and waiting for him and the table was set. That seemed like as good a place as any to keep him in one place so I could talk to him. The second hand on the clock seemed to tick by in slow motion. My eyes would not quit looking at my watch, the clock on the stove and the clock in the living room. Sheesh. Five minutes after six. Shouldn’t he be here by now?

The sound of the garage door opening had me rushing to the kitchen to dish up our plates. Trevor came through the kitchen door and set his briefcase by the doorway to the living room. He then came and bussed my cheek and told me dinner smelled excellent. Just the touch of his lips on my skin had my cringing inside, but I told him to have a seat and I would bring his plate over.

We ate in relative silence for a few minutes before I set my utensils down and rested my hands in my lap. A deep breath to gain my composure and calm my nerves was in order. This shouldn’t be that difficult. However, even though Trevor had been boring and a little controlling, he had been good to me, letting me move in with him and not charging me a penny for rent or utilities. He covered everything, telling me it was his job as the man in the relationship. The part of that I never liked was him hinting that I wouldn’t be working after we got married. Considering I had never agreed to marry him, because he had never actually asked, I always left that discussion alone.

“Trevor, I really need to talk to you. We still haven’t discussed our relationship status since I came home. I have really thought about things and—” As usual, he interrupted me.

“Becca, dear, there is really nothing to discuss. I know you were feeling stifled, and that is why I let you go to Vegas before we discussed our relationship. I knew you would feel better after getting away for the weekend and having a little ‘girl time’ with Steph and the girls. Don’t worry, things are still good between us,” he finished. Let me go to Vegas? Was he serious?

“Trevor! That’s not true. Things are absolutely no different with us. Yes, I was feeling stifled. It seems like I have been the one who has changed everything about myself. Initially, I felt like you would be good for me because you were steady and respectable, which I felt I needed to keep me grounded and reputable. We got along well, and then you asked me to move in and things have flowed along, and I got caught up in the current. I feel like I’ve gone so far to the other end of the personality spectrum and it’s not fair to me.” I tried to read his expression, but he just sat there staring at his food. My intent was never to hurt him, and I prayed he was okay.

“So that’s it? You’re just done? Over a year and a half put into this relationship and you’re done just like that? I don’t think you’re thinking clearly, Becca. I think you’re emotional and acting irrational. Maybe Vegas was a bad idea after all. We are good together, and I will not lose you. I really think you should take some time to think about your feelings. There’s no need to rush into a decision.” He slid his chair back and left the table. In astonishment, I watched him pick up his briefcase and walk into his office, closing the door after he entered.

“Why do you keep putting words in my mouth? Who put you in charge of my feelings?” I yelled after him.

My head fell to my hands. What a disaster. Why couldn’t he understand and accept I was done? Was he dense? And why was it me who needed to think about my feelings and decide to stay? A true relationship should have give-and-take with equal input. That was part of the problem with our situation. The other part of the problem was the total lack of chemistry. No magic.

Call me crazy, but if and when I settled down, I wanted it all. This relationship, if you could call it that, was a farce. I wanted love. I wanted insane lust, amazing sex, friendship, and the give and take of a true partnership. Anything less was settling, and I didn’t think I should have to settle any longer.