How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Now let’s look at another way that parents can handle a persistent disciplinary problem. At the end of one workshop a mother described the difficulties she was having getting her son, Bobby, to come home on time. She told us about his constant excuses, his broken promises, and his broken watches. From the groans of recognition when she spoke, it was clear that her problem was not uncommon.

Before our next session I prepared an exercise for the group. I took the original situation and restated it from what I thought might be Bobby’s point of view. Then I wrote three possible ways that parents might handle Bobby’s chronic lateness.

Please try this same exercise for yourself now. After reading Bobby’s story and each parent’s reaction to it, write down how you think Bobby might feel.

Bobby’s story: I like to play after school with my friends in the school playground. I know I’m supposed to be home by 5:45, but sometimes I forget. Yesterday and the day before, I came home late. My mother was so mad at me that today I made sure to ask my friend the time. I didn’t want my mother to scream at me like that again. My friend told me that it was 6:15. I stopped playing right away and ran all the way home. I explained to my mother that I did remember to ask the time, but it was already too late, and I ran home as fast as I could.

First Parent’s Response:

“I’ve had enough of your excuses! I see now you can’t be trusted. Well, this time you’re going to be punished. Every day next week you’ll come home after school and stay home. And don’t think you’ll sit around watching TV either, because even if I’m not home I’m telling the sitter that there’ll be no television for you. You can go straight to your room now, because dinner is over.”

What might Bobby say to himself?

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Second Parent’s Response:

“Oh dear, you’re all overheated from running. Let me get a washrag and wipe your face. Promise me you won’t ever be late again.

“You’re making a nervous wreck of me. Now go in and wash your hands, and please hurry, because your dinner is getting cold. . . . Oh, maybe Mommy will warm it up for you.”

What might Bobby say to himself?

Third Parent’s Response:

“You’re telling me you made an effort and I’m glad to hear it. But I’m still upset. I don’t want to have to go through that kind of worry again. I expect that when you say you’ll be home at 5:45, I’ll be able to count on it.

“We’ve eaten already. There’s no more chicken left, but if you like you can make yourself a sandwich.”

What might Bobby say to himself?

Obviously there is no way of determining what the real Bobby would say to himself, but you might be interested in hearing the thoughts of the parents in the group who did this exercise. They felt that the first parent was too punitive. (The child would think, “She’s mean. I’ll get back at her.”) The second parent was a doormat. (The child would think, “I can get away with anything with her.”) The third parent was “just right.” She was assertive without being punitive. (Her child might think to himself, “Mom was really mad. I’d better get home on time from now on. Besides, she has confidence in me. I can’t let her down. . . . And I didn’t like having to make myself an old sandwich.”)

With this exercise in mind, the real mother went home and tried this last approach. And it worked—for three weeks. Then Bobby went back to his old habit. The mother was at her wits’ end. As she described her frustration, many questions arose in the group: “What can be done in a case like this?” . . . “Suppose you really have tried everything, and the problem goes on and on?” . . . “What can we do when there seems to be nothing left to do but punish?”

When a problem persists, we can usually assume that it is more complex than it originally appeared. For a complex problem, a more complex skill is needed. Parent educators, labor negotiators, marriage counselors have worked out some excellent detailed methods for resolving difficult conflicts. Here’s the version that I presented to the group.

To Problem-Solve

Step I.	Talk about the child’s feelings and needs.
Step II.	Talk about your feelings and needs.
Step III.	Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution.
Step IV.	Write down all ideas—without evaluating.
Step V.	Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on.