PROBLEM-SOLVING

STEP I.

Talk about the child’s feelings and needs.

STEP II.

Talk about your feelings and needs.

STEP III.

Brainstorm to find a mutually agreeable solution.

STEP IV.

Write down all ideas without evaluating.

STEP V.

Decide which suggestions you like,

which you don’t like,

and which you plan to follow through on.

 

After outlining to the group the steps of the problem-solving approach, we decided that it would be helpful if we role-played the situation. I played the mother and the real mother played her son, Bobby. Here’s the script of the dialogue we had together, taken from the tape recorder that was on that evening. As you can see, the mother threw herself into her son’s role wholeheartedly:

 

MOTHER:	Bobby, there’s something I’d like to talk about. Is this a good time for you?
BOBBY:	(suspiciously) It’s okay. What is it?
MOTHER:	It’s about the business of getting home on time for dinner.
BOBBY:	I told you, I’ve been trying; but I always have to leave when we’re right in the middle of a game!
MOTHER:	Oh?
BOBBY:	Nobody else has to go as early as me. Nobody!
MOTHER:	Hmm.
BOBBY:	And I have to keep asking everybody the time, cuz my stupid watch is broken, and they always tell me to “Shut up, pest!”
MOTHER:	Oooh, that can hurt.
BOBBY:	Yeah! Then Kenny calls me a baby.
MOTHER:	That, too! . . . So what I hear you saying is that you’re under a lot of pressure from the other kids to stay.
BOBBY:	That’s right!
MOTHER:	Bobby, do you know how it is from my point of view?
BOBBY:	Yeah, you want me home on time.
MOTHER:	That’s part of it, but mainly I worry when you’re late.
BOBBY:	Then don’t worry!
MOTHER:	I wish I didn’t. . . . Look, let’s put our heads together and take a fresh look at this problem and see whether we could come up with some ideas that would be good for both of us. (Mother takes out pencil.) You start.
BOBBY:	I’ll come home late, but you won’t worry.
MOTHER:	All right, I’ll write that down. What else?
BOBBY:	I dunno.
MOTHER:	Hey, I have a thought. I could come to the playground and pick you up.
BOBBY:	No . . . that’s no good.
MOTHER:	We’re writing down all our ideas. Later we’ll decide which we like and which we don’t like. What else?
BOBBY:	(long pause) I guess I could get my watch fixed.
MOTHER:	(writes “Get watch fixed”) Anything else?
BOBBY:	Why do we always have to eat together? Can’t you just leave my dinner for me?
MOTHER:	(writes “Leave dinner”) The days are getting longer now. I suppose we could have dinner fifteen minutes later.
BOBBY:	Only fifteen minutes!
MOTHER:	You’d like it to be more. Hmm. (writes “Eat 15 minutes later”) Any other ideas or should we look at our list now and see what we want to cross out and what we want to keep?
BOBBY:	Let’s look.
MOTHER:	(reads) Possible Solutions Bobby comes home late. Mother doesn’t worry. Pick up Bobby at playground. Get watch fixed. Leave dinner in oven. Eat fifteen minutes later.
BOBBY:	Cross out where you pick me up every day. Kenny would really tease me if you did that.
MOTHER:	Okay . . . Well, I have to cross out. “Come home late,” because the fact is I do worry. But let’s look at this next one. I suppose I could move dinner to six fifteen. Would fifteen extra minutes help?
BOBBY:	No . . . Well, maybe a little.
MOTHER:	And I suppose I could leave dinner in the oven for you occasionally, if I knew ahead of time.
BOBBY:	Yeah, and leave in “Get watch fixed.”
MOTHER:	Well, the problem with that is that this is the second time the watch has been broken, and I think I’d resent having to pay for the repairs again.
BOBBY:	I have money saved. Almost four dollars. Would that be enough to get it fixed?
MOTHER:	Not really . . . but it would certainly help. I suppose Dad and I might pay the rest.
BOBBY:	I’ll be careful, I swear. I’ll take it off if me and Kenny do arm wrestling. . . . And I’ll look at it while I’m playing so I know when to leave.
MOTHER:	You will? . . . Hmm. (looks at list) Well, let’s see what we’ve decided so far. I’ll move dinner up to six fifteen. That’ll give you fifteen extra minutes to play. We’ll put our money together and get your watch repaired. And occasionally, if you let me know in advance, I can keep your dinner warm for you. How does all that hit you?
BOBBY:	Good!

 

At our next session everyone immediately asked Bobby’s mother, “Did you try problem-solving? . . . What happened?”

She smiled and told us that she had tried it that same night, and that Bobby was intrigued with the idea. “It was almost funny,” she said. “What our whole discussion boiled down to was that he hated wearing a watch, but that if the family could eat fifteen minutes later he’d listen for the six o’clock whistle from the firehouse and that would be his signal to start for home.

“And so far,” she said, “he’s kept his word!”

Doesn’t sound too hard, does it? But it is. And the hardest part is not the learning of the separate steps. With a little study, that can be accomplished. The hardest part is the shift we have to make in attitude. We have to stop thinking of the child as a “problem” that needs correction. We have to give up the idea that because we’re adults we always have the right answer. We have to stop worrying that if we’re not “tough enough” the child will take advantage of us.

It requires a great act of faith to believe that if we take the time to sit down and share our real feelings with a young person, and listen to his feelings, together we’ll come up with solutions that will be right for both of us.

There is an important message built into this approach. It says, “When there is conflict between us, we no longer have to mobilize our forces against each other and worry about who will emerge victorious and who will go down in defeat. Instead, we can put our energy into searching for the kinds of solutions that respect both our needs as individuals.” We are teaching our children that they needn’t be our victims or our enemies. We are giving them the tools that will enable them to be active participants in solving the problems that confront them—now, while they’re at home, and in the difficult, complex world that awaits them.

 

ASSIGNMENT

 

I. This coming week, use an alternative to punishment. What alternative did you use? What was your child’s reaction?

____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

 

II. Think of a problem that comes up regularly in your home that might be eased by the problem-solving approach. Find a time that is good for both of you, a place where you won’t be interrupted, and problem-solve with your child.

 

III. Read Part II of Alternatives to Punishment—Comments, Questions, and Parents’ Stories.