Most of the books on child-rearing tell us that one of our most important goals as parents is to help our children separate from us, to help them become independent individuals who will one day be able to function on their own without us. We’re urged not to think of our children as little carbon copies of us or as extensions of ourselves but as unique human beings with different temperaments, different tastes, different feelings, different desires, different dreams.
Yet how are we to help them become separate, independent persons? By allowing them to do things for themselves, by permitting them to wrestle with their own problems, by letting them learn from their own mistakes.
Easier said than done. I can still remember my first child struggling to tie his shoelaces and me watching patiently for about ten seconds and then bending down to do it for him.
And all my daughter had to do was just mention that she was having a quarrel with a friend, and I’d jump in with instant advice for her.
And how could I let my children make mistakes and suffer failure when all they had to do was listen to me in the first place?
You may be thinking, “What’s so terrible about helping children tie their shoelaces, or telling them how to resolve an argument with a friend, or seeing to it that they don’t make mistakes? After all, children are younger and less experienced. They really are dependent on the adults around them.”
Here’s the problem. When one person is continually dependent on another, certain feelings arise. In order to get clear on what those feelings might be, please read the following statements and write down your reactions:
I. You are four years old. In the course of the day you hear your parents tell you:
“Eat your string beans. Vegetables are good for you.”
“Here, let me zip that zipper for you.”
“You’re tired. Lie down and rest.”
“I don’t want you playing with that boy. He uses bad language.”
“Are you sure you don’t have to go to the bathroom?”
Your reaction:
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II. You are nine years old. In the course of the day your parents tell you:
“Don’t bother to try on that jacket. Green isn’t your color.”
“Give the jar to me. I’ll unscrew the cap for you.”
“I’ve laid your clothes out for you.”
“Do you need help with your homework?”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________
III. You are seventeen years old. Your parent says:
“It’s not necessary for you to learn to drive. I’m much too nervous about accidents. I’d be happy to drive you wherever you want to go. All you have to do is ask.”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________
IV. You are an adult. Your employer says:
“I’m going to tell you something for your own good. Stop making suggestions about how to improve things around here. Just do your job. I’m not paying you for your ideas. I’m paying you to work.”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________
V. You are a citizen of a new nation. At a public meeting you hear a visiting dignitary, from a rich, powerful country, announce:
“Because your nation is still in its infancy and is as yet undeveloped, we are not unmindful of your needs. We plan to send you experts and materials to show you how to run your farms, your schools, your businesses, and your government. We’ll also send professionals in family planning who will help you reduce your country’s birthrate.”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________
It’s probably safe to say that you wouldn’t want your children feeling toward you most of the feelings you’ve just written down. And yet when people are placed in dependent positions, along with a small amount of gratitude they usually do experience massive feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, resentment, frustration, and anger. This unhappy truth can present a dilemma for us as parents. On the one hand, our children are clearly dependent on us. Because of their youth and inexperience, there’s so much we have to do for them, tell them, show them. On the other hand, the very fact of their dependency can lead to hostility.
Are there ways to minimize our children’s feelings of dependency? Are there ways to help them become responsible human beings who can function on their own? Fortunately, the opportunities to encourage our children’s autonomy present themselves every day. Here are some specific skills that can help children to rely on themselves rather than on us.
To Encourage Autonomy
1. Let children make choices.
2. Show respect for a child’s struggle.
3. Don’t ask too many questions.
4. Don’t rush to answer questions.
5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home.
6. Don’t take away hope.