Dear Reader,
When How to Talk . . . was first published back in 1980, we had our fingers crossed. We weren’t at all sure how people would react. The format was so different from our first book. Liberated Parents/Liberated Children was the story of our personal experiences. This book was basically a version of the workshops we had been giving around the country. Would parents find it helpful?
We knew how people responded when we worked with them directly. Whenever we’d present a two-part program (evening lecture followed by a morning workshop), we’d find that even before the morning session began parents would be waiting for us—eager to tell how, overnight, they had tried a new skill and how pleased they were with the results.
But that happened because we were there in person—role-playing with the audience, answering their questions, illustrating each principle with examples, using all our energies to drive home our convictions. Would readers be able to “get it” from the pages of a book?
They did. In numbers that astonished us. Our publisher informed us they were printing additional copies to meet the demand. An article in the New York Times reported that of the hundreds of parenting books flooding the market, How to Talk . . . was one of the “top ten sellers.” PBS produced a six-part series based on each chapter. But the biggest surprise came from the amount of mail that filled our boxes. Letters arrived in a steady stream, not only from the United States and Canada but from countries all over the globe, some so small or unfamiliar we had to look them up in an atlas.
Most people wrote to express their appreciation. Many described, in some detail, just how our book had touched their lives. They wanted us to know exactly what they were doing differently now—what was working with their children and what wasn’t. It seemed that parents everywhere, no matter how different the culture, were dealing with similar problems and searching for answers.
There was another theme that emerged in the letters. People spoke of how hard it was to change old habits: “When I remember to use my skills everything goes better, but too often I revert, especially when I’m under pressure.” They also expressed a desire for additional help: “I want this approach to be a more natural part of me. I need practice and support. Do you have any materials my friends and I can use to study these methods together?”
We understood their needs. As young mothers, we had sat in a room with other parents and discussed each skill, and struggled together to come up with the most respectful, effective ways to deal with the endless challenges presented by children. It was because we knew how valuable the group experience could be that we conceived the idea of writing a series of do-it-yourself workshops based on our book. We felt sure that if parents were given an easy-to-follow, step-by-step program they could learn and practice the skills together, on their own, without the help of a trained leader.
Our “master plan” worked. Parents organized groups, ordered our workshop materials, and really were able to use them successfully. But what we hadn’t anticipated was the number of professionals requesting and using the How to Talk . . . program. We heard from psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, educators, ministers, priests, and rabbis.
We were also surprised by the variety of organizations using our materials—domestic-violence crisis centers, drug and alcohol rehabilitation units, juvenile probation departments, the Boy Scouts, state prisons, schools for the deaf, Head Start, and military bases in the United States and abroad. Eventually, more than 150,000 groups around the world had used or were using our audio and video programs.
All during this time, we would receive a persistent request, mostly from social-service agencies, “Parents desperately need communication skills. Do you have any materials that could help us train volunteers to go out into the community and run your How to Talk . . . program?”
What an interesting idea! We wished we did. Maybe at some time in the future we could write a . . .
A phone call came from the University of Wisconsin Cooperative Extension. They had done it! Unbeknownst to us, and in partnership with the Wisconsin Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse, they had obtained a federal grant to create a leadership training manual for our How to Talk So Kids Will Listen Group Workshop program. It seems they had already used it to teach more than a hundred volunteers how to run our workshops for over seven thousand parents in thirteen counties. With great enthusiasm they described the success of their project and their dream of replicating it in every state. Would we look at their manual, make any necessary changes, and join them in a broader publishing venture?
After recovering from the shock of this “too good to be true” offer, we made plans to meet with them and work together. The training manual has just been published.
So here we are today on another anniversary of the book we launched with some trepidation so long ago. No one could have predicted then, certainly not us, that it would have such staying power or that it would take on a life of its own and recast itself into so many different shapes and forms.
Nevertheless, once again we found ourselves with questions. Would How to Talk . . . continue to withstand the test of time? After all, several decades had gone by. In addition to all the mind-boggling technological advances, the whole family picture was changing. There were more single, divorced, and stepparents, more nontraditional families, more homes where both mother and father were out in the workforce, more children in day care. Were these methods of communicating as relevant in today’s harder, harsher, faster world as they were a generation ago?
As we reread our book with an eye on the current scene, we both came to the same conclusion. The principles were more important than ever. Because parents, whatever their status, were more stressed and more guilty than ever—torn between the competing demands of work and family, pushing themselves to fit forty-eight hours into a twenty-four-hour day, trying to do everything for and be everything to all the important people in their lives. Add to that a consumer culture that bombards their children with materialistic values; television that exposes them to explicit sexual images; websites that offer them instant, sometimes unsavory companionship; video games that desensitize them to violence; movies that stimulate them with multiple murders in the name of fun and entertainment, and it’s not hard to understand why so many of today’s parents feel shaken and overwhelmed.
We know full well this book is not a total answer. There are problems that cannot be solved by communication skills alone. Nevertheless, we believe that within these pages parents will find solid support—strategies that will help them cope with the built-in frustrations of raising children; clear methods that will enable them to set limits and impart their values; concrete skills that will keep families close and connected despite pernicious outside forces; language that will empower parents to be firm and nurturing—nurturing to themselves as well as to their children.
We are delighted at the opportunity this anniversary edition presents. It gives us a chance to share with you our current thinking and some of the feedback we’ve received over the years—the letters, the questions, the stories, the insights of other parents.
We hope that somewhere in this mix you’ll find an additional kernel of information or inspiration to help you carry on with the most important job in the world.
Adele Faber
Elaine Mazlish