With heavy feet Sarah returned to the cottage in East Stockwell Street. She slipped down the side passage, avoiding the front where there would be neighbours gathered discussing the tragedy. It was full dark. She shivered. If she wasn’t so cold she would stay outside a while longer.
On pushing open the back door she was relieved to find the kitchen empty, the kettle as always hissing gently on the range. She’d make herself a brew of tea, and find some bread and cheese, if there was any. A strange moaning noise echoed down the narrow passageway, making her hair stand on end. Then someone spoke and it stopped.
It was Ma and her stepfather she could hear in the front room. Should she take them a cup when it was done? She’d yet to tell them Alfie had gone for good, that she’d found herself a position living in and was also leaving after the funeral.
Deciding to take them tea after all, and a slice of the fruit cake someone had brought round, she got down the tray used on special occasions and set it out. The crockery rattled as she carried it towards the parlour. The soft murmur of voices inside told her only her parents were in there.
‘Ma, I’ve brought you some tea. I’ve seen Mr Smithson…’
Jack Rand surged to his feet and closed the space between them. Before she could react he knocked the tray from her grip with one arm and the other threw her backwards.
‘You killed my boy, you and your bastard brother between you. You’re not welcome here. Get your things and get out of my house or I’ll not be responsible for my actions.’
Her legs were trembling so hard she could scarcely stand upright. She glanced over his shoulder for support but Ma’s eyes were closed, her face drained of colour. She’d get no help from her. Before she could answer he raised his hand. The blow knocked her sideways into the open doorway where she collapsed against the wall.
Tears of pain spilt down her cheeks; her mouth was full of blood. If she didn’t get out of the cottage he might kill her. Somehow she dragged herself straight and hurtled up the stairs and into the bedroom she’d shared with her brothers. In a daze she tumbled her clothes onto the patchwork quilt, groped under the boys’ bed for Alfie’s money and tossed it on top of her things.
Snatching her cloak from the peg she swirled it around her shoulders. The sound of raised voices below made her keep moving. She stared down helplessly at the bed; she had no bag to put her things in. How should she take them? In desperation she grabbed the four corners of the quilt and knotted them together. It made an unwieldy bundle but she wasn’t going to leave with nothing.
Dragging her possessions behind her she fled through the back door, across the yard, and into the narrow path that joined her street to the one that ran parallel. Without a second thought she ran towards the rectory. Mr Smithson would understand; he’d protect her until she could start at Grey Friars House.
The door was opened by the same maidservant. The girl’s eyes widened, but without hesitation she grabbed Sarah and led her inside.
‘Here, Sarah, you sit on this bench whilst I fetch the master.’
She did as she was told, too numb to argue. Her teeth rattled in her head; her eyes blurred with tears, too shocked to hear the hurrying footsteps approaching.
‘My dear girl, I should have realised this might happen. Molly shall take you to the kitchen and clean you up. You shall stay here tonight and tomorrow I shall arrange for you to start your employment.’
She nodded, unable to speak. An hour later she was tucked up in bed and had been given a draught of something by the housekeeper to make her sleep. When she woke she didn’t know where she was. The room was unfamiliar; she couldn’t hear her brothers breathing in the darkness. Then she recalled the events of the previous day and stuffed the sheet into her mouth to hold back her sobs.
In sombre mood she dressed when it was light and found her way to the kitchen. Cook smiled sympathetically and placed a steaming cup of tea and a bowl of porridge in front of her.
‘Try and eat something, Sarah. I know your mouth’s painful, but you’ll feel all the better for it. The master sent the boy around with a note last night, and you can start at Grey Friars this morning, as soon as you like.’
Keeping her head lowered Sarah tried to mumble her way through breakfast, but the food refused to go down. She swallowed a few mouthfuls of tea and then replaced her cutlery and stood up. ‘I’m sorry, madam, but I’m not up to eating. I’ll get off now; I’ve got my things with me. Can you thank Mr Smithson for taking care of me?’
‘Bless you, child, it’s what he does. He’s a good man, takes care of his flock like the Good Book says. If you’re sure you’re ready, you go. Would you like Molly to walk round with you?’
Sarah shook her head. Almost blinded by tears she left the rectory, her bundle clutched to her chest. It was only a ten minutes’ brisk walk to Grey Friars; if she hurried she’d not have time to think about what had happened. By the time she reached the servants’ entrance she’d dried her eyes, stiffened her spine, and pushed things to the back of her mind. She knocked on the rear door, praying it would be Betty who opened it. It was.
‘My God! Look at the state of you. Come in, madam says she wants to speak to you, but not today. I’m right sorry for your loss, Sarah. You’ll do better here – you won’t have time to think about it.’
She was led to the backstairs. ‘Here, let me take your bundle. I’ll carry it for you. You’re like to fall if you try to go up.’
Sarah trod on the hem of her cloak, almost pitching back down the twisting stairs, but somehow emerged on the top floor without serious injury. Betty opened the door to the room they were to share, dislodging her overlarge cap, which slipped over one eye. Impatiently she dragged it back more or less straight. ‘I filled the jug this morning. It’ll be cold water mind, but I expect you’re used to that.’
Sarah’s eyes filled. She wanted to be home with everything as it used to be. She didn’t want to be nursemaid in a big house; she wanted Ma.
‘Here, don’t take on. You’ll be all right here. We’ll take care of you. Sit down on the bed. See, the fire’s lit; I’m to bring you up a tray later. Madam says you’re to take today off, start tomorrow when you’re feeling better.’
Sarah slumped onto the bed. Did she want to stay up here on her own with too much time to reflect on what had happened? ‘Betty, I’d like to get started straight away. I’ll tidy myself up and then can you take me down to Mrs Bawtree? The sooner I’m busy the better it will be.’
‘If you’re sure. Nanny Brown is that desperate to have you start – she’ll appreciate you making the effort. I’ll wait for you. You can put your things away later. I don’t reckon you’ll have to work a full day.’
With Betty’s assistance she changed into her smartest dress, put her hair up and changed into the indoor slippers provided with her uniform. They were a bit small, but Betty assured her they would stretch to accommodate her feet after a few days. Her split lip would take days to go down. Satisfied she could do no more, she retraced her steps to the small drawing room.
Mrs Bawtree greeted her warmly. ‘My dear girl, you look quite different with your hair up. I shall say nothing of what you’ve been through these past twenty-four hours. You know I feel for you at this sad time.’
Sarah dipped in a curtsy, grateful no mention was made of her swollen face. ‘Thank you, ma’am. I’m looking forward to working here and I won’t let you down, I promise.’
‘Good girl, I knew I could rely on you. Are you ready to meet Nanny? She’s been with us since Charles was born and runs the nursery beautifully, nothing out of place. Emma Smith, the under nurse, will be the one to show you your duties. I hope you enjoy sharing your accommodation with Betty. You are about the same age. There should be no difficulty making friends with her.’
Mrs Bawtree nodded a dismissal and rang a small brass bell. Sarah stood anxiously watching the door, not sure if she was ready to face Nanny Brown the way she was feeling. She knew that there were four children in the family. Charles, the eldest, was four, the same age as Tommy. There were three others, but she hadn’t been told the names or ages of those.
She didn’t think the mistress was expecting again – she’d not have such a tiny waist if she was – but no doubt there’d be more little blessings over the next few years. There always were. As long as a man and woman shared a bed, children were sure to follow; even she knew that.
She’d often heard shuffling and grunting in the dark as the walls were thin upstairs, but she wasn’t exactly sure what went on between a man and woman. She frowned. The very thought was enough to keep her pure. She didn’t intend to get married, not put herself in the position her ma had; she’d make her life in service, save some of her wages, and by the time she was full-grown she’d have enough to start on her own, maybe a lodging house, or perhaps a small school.
The door opened. Betty appeared and bobbed. ‘Take Sarah up to Nanny.’
‘Yes, madam.’
Sarah doubted she’d ever find her way around the labyrinth of narrow corridors and winding stairs; the place seemed huge in comparison to the home she’d occupied all her life. Betty stopped outside a white door.
‘That Emma Smith’s a bitch. You’ll need to watch yourself with her.’ She knocked loudly. ‘Nanny’s a bit deaf. You have to bang hard or she’ll not hear.’
Sarah had no time to answer. Clipping heels approached and the door opened. A tall, thin young woman, with beaky nose and snapping eyes, regarded Sarah with disfavour.
‘At last. Don’t think crying all over the mistress will do you any good up here, my girl. Get along, Betty – haven’t you got duties elsewhere?’
A hard hand gripped Sarah and yanked her through the doorway, the fingers biting into the soft flesh of her upper arm. Sarah knew it would be a bad move to try and pull herself free.
‘Nanny, here’s the girl at last. Just look at her – her face will frighten the children.’
She was dragged into the nursery and knew better than to struggle. Ma had always told her bullies would give up if you ignored them.
‘You can let go now, Emma. Sarah’s not going to run away.’
The painful grip on her arm loosened and she rubbed the place a few times before raising her head to look at the woman who would hold her welfare in her hands for the foreseeable future.
Nanny Brown was not exactly old, but not young neither. She had a few wrinkles, kind blue eyes, but it was impossible to see her hair colour under the white cap she wore. Nanny was sitting in a rocking chair in front of the well-guarded nursery fire comforting a fractious infant who was sitting on her lap. Hastily Sarah remembered her manners and dipped in a curtsy.
‘Well, Sarah, you’re very welcome. We’re quite run off our feet with four little ones to take care of.’ She pointed to a padded stool and Sarah sank onto it. ‘Go back to your duties, Emma. The boys have been alone quite long enough. I shall talk to Sarah, explain what I expect of her. Later she can come through to you.’
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Nanny Brown was a pleasant sort and seemed to know what her under nurse was like.
‘I know you don’t wish to talk about what’s happened to you, my dear, but I can promise you, you will be well treated here. Now, let me introduce you to our little one. This is Eliza. She celebrated her anniversary last week. She’s cutting back teeth and is miserable today. Normally she’s a sunny little thing.’
Sarah carefully arranged her skirt. She hoped she’d be given a smart grey dress like Emma’s and a clean white apron to wear. She felt grubby and uncomfortable even in her best dress.
‘As nursery-maid it will be your duty to get up at six o’clock to light the fire, and tidy and clean before the children are up. Then you will assist with dressing and washing the three older children and fetch up their breakfast.
‘After breakfast, if the weather is favourable, you will take the children out into the garden for air and exercise. On their return they will attend the mistress in the drawing room for a while. She likes to play with her children when she is not occupied elsewhere.’
Sarah nodded. So far her duties didn’t sound too hard, not much more than she was doing at home to help out and not getting paid for it neither.
‘After dinner, if it’s fine, you go out again with the children and when they come in they will be changed and washed and sit down to nursery tea, which you will have prepared for them. After tea you will help to entertain them with stories and games before they are put to bed, no later than eight o’clock.’
‘Yes, Nanny Brown, I understand. The children are all little ones. I know that Charles is the oldest and he’s four.’
‘There’s Fredrick, who’s three and Arthur who’s two; we’re not expecting any new arrival in the nursery at present.’
The baby had stopped grizzling and turned on the nurse’s lap to stare solemnly down at her.
Sarah smiled encouragingly, leaving her stool to kneel in front of the baby. She didn’t like to offer her hand; she knew it was still a mite grubby. She could hardly believe that she had changed from being the older sister with two younger brothers, to a nursery-maid with strangers, within a day.
Eliza gurgled and offered Sarah her silver rattle. ‘Thank you, sweetheart, but I’ll not take it. My hands aren’t clean enough, see. When I’ve washed them again I’ll come back and play with you.’ The baby stretched out, hitting Sarah on the forehead and making her jerk back in surprise.
‘Now then, Miss Eliza, I’ll not have any of that naughtiness.’ Nanny stared sternly at the baby. Eliza looked up and grinned, attempting to do the same with the rattle on Nanny’s nose.
Sarah scrambled to her feet. ‘Please can I go to my room. I’d like to get myself sorted out and then come down and begin my duties.’
Nanny Brown beamed. ‘Good girl. I like to see someone who’s eager to work hard. Run along now. I expect Betty will be waiting for you outside. You will find your uniform hanging in the closet, but don’t worry about changing today. Come back here as soon as you’re ready. There’s no need to hurry; Emma has been managing on her own for the past week.’
I bet she has, Sarah thought. That under nurse was a nasty piece of work and would manage her if she wasn’t careful. The young woman would try and make her miserable, but she would take no notice, not complain, and hopefully someone else would step in and sort the matter out. That’s what happened when there had been problems at school. She’d kept her head down, not told tales and Miss Harvey, the schoolmistress, always took action eventually and the bullies were severely punished. After what she’d been through these past few hours, being put upon by Emma Smith wouldn’t bother her one jot.
Betty was waiting for her outside the door. ‘I’m right sorry, Sarah, but I’ve got to go back to work. Can you find your way back to our room?’
‘If you’re not to come up with me, I’ll put my belongings away later. Nanny says I don’t have to change into my uniform today, so I might as well get on with it. It’ll take my mind off everything.’
The door to the nursery opened and Emma Smith stepped out. ‘Get about your business, Betty, or I’ll report you to Mrs Hall for loitering.’ The under nurse waited until they were alone before turning her attention to Sarah. ‘Don’t stand there gawping at me. Either go up and change or come in here. I can’t think what the mistress was thinking of, taking on someone like you. I’ll be watching you every second. If you show the children any of your common ways I’ll get you dismissed.’
Sarah was too dispirited to argue. Whatever Smith did, it couldn’t be half as bad as the treatment she’d had from her stepfather. When she went back to see Ma next month things would be different. He would have forgotten his rage like he always did. He’d not harm a hair on Ma’s head. He might have been rough with Alfie and her, but he worshipped the ground her ma walked on. She’d be well taken care of in her absence.
She was jerked from her thoughts by a sharp poke in her arm. ‘Don’t daydream, Sarah Nightingale. I’m to introduce you to the boys and show you where everything is.’
The nursery stretched the full width of the house, having barred windows overlooking the street and the garden at the rear of the house. There was a rocking horse, shelves of books, and various boxes, no doubt filled with more expensive playthings. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like having so much. Ma had made her a rag doll. She still treasured it and it was hidden away in her bundle upstairs in the attic. Alfie had been given a ball but it had fallen to bits long ago.
Three little boys were sitting around a box of bricks, obviously about to build a fort for the little tin soldiers scattered about the floor. Sarah wondered if she should curtsy, then thought better of it. They would have to mind her. It wouldn’t do for them to think of her as someone they could order about.
The oldest, Charles, scrambled to his feet and ran over to take her hand. ‘Nanny said we mustn’t bother you today, Sarah, but Ned and Freddie and I would like you to play with us.’
‘Master Charles, what did I tell you? Sarah has just come in to meet you. She’s not on duty until tomorrow.’
His face crumpled at the sharp reprimand. ‘I beg your pardon, Sarah. I’m Charles, next is Freddie and the little fellow is Ned.’
‘I’m pleased to meet you, all of you. And there’s nothing I’d like better than to play soldiers with you. You can tell me all about yourselves whilst we do so.’ She glanced over her shoulder at the scowling under nurse. ‘Nanny Brown said I could please myself what I did today, and I wish to play with the boys.’
There was nothing Smith could do about it but give in gracefully. ‘In which case, Sarah, I’m going downstairs to collect the laundry. Behave yourselves, boys, or you know what to expect.’
No sooner had the door closed than the three little boys threw themselves into her lap. In spite of her sorrow their delight in having her in their nursery made her laugh. When Nanny came in an hour later Sarah was lying flat on the carpet assisting Ned with an assault on his brothers’ soldiers. She quickly scrambled up and curtsied.
‘I hope we didn’t disturb you with our games, Nanny. We’re in the middle of a battle. I fear that Ned and I’ll be defeated any moment.’
‘My dear girl, it’s far too long since I heard my charges laughing so wholeheartedly. If you’re not bored with them, I shall leave you to play. Eliza is taking a nap, but she is so miserable at the moment I don’t like to leave her for long.’
When the children’s midday meal arrived Sarah was sure she’d made a good start with her future charges. When Charles and Freddie had fallen out, one quiet word from her and they’d stopped, apologised handsomely to each other and the matter was closed.
‘I’m to go down to meet the other staff now, boys. I hope I may come back and play something quieter this afternoon. Perhaps you would like me to read you all a story from one of your lovely books?’
Emma Smith glared at her, as if to say someone like her had no right to be able to read like one of her betters. Leaving the children to drink their vegetable broth, she took the twisting stairs down to the servants’ hall. She hoped the other staff would be more welcoming than the under nurse.