Chapter Twenty

SYDNEY

One Month Later

I was standing at the kitchen island crushing up Doritos in a Ziploc bag while humming along to “Suspicious Minds” as it played through my one earbud, my other ear going without the soothing voice of the King since I didn’t want to risk missing the timer on the oven and burning my Mexican Chicken Bake, another new recipe I was trying out for Sunday family dinner.

This would be our fourth one. Meaning this was the fourth new recipe I was experimenting with and testing out on our friends.

It was a risk not sticking to the familiar since I was feeding such a large group, but it was paying off. The past three recipes had all been highly praised and devoured by everyone, meaning the number of recipes I was now comfortable making had doubled since moving to Dogwood.

I had high hopes for the Mexican Chicken Bake.

Not only because of my track record but also because of the delicious aroma coming from the oven as the chicken was baking, and according to reviews, it was an excellent meal to cook ahead of time and warm in the oven when you were ready to consume it.

That was why I chose it for today and why I was cooking it four hours before everyone was due to come over.

Brian and I had plans this afternoon. Important plans. Plans I wouldn’t miss for the world or take any time away from because I had to get home and make a meal.

For the first time in five months, my boy was getting back out on the water.

This was huge.

Huge.

And I was overwhelmed with joy because of it, so much so I’d cried last night when he announced what we were doing today and I’d cried twice already this morning just thinking about our plans.

Last night was unexpected. He’d caught me completely off guard.

We were lying in bed with Sir between us, talking about nothing and everything like we always did, when Brian blindsided me.

He’d been thinking about surfing a lot, mainly because I kept bringing it up hoping it would spark discussion, which never seemed to happen. He’d change the subject or distract me with his mouth pressing to my skin and I’d forget all about it. But it got him to thinking he might be ready to give it a go again, but under one condition.

He needed me there. Me. No one else.

Today was going to be one of those days I’d never forget as long as I lived.

I could not wait.

Setting the one Ziploc bag aside after getting all the chips crushed to the consistency I needed them in, I filled another Ziploc bag with Doritos, sealed it good, flattened it on the counter in front of me, and took my rolling pin over it, breaking apart all the chips.

The song in my ear ended and “Can’t Help Falling in Love” started playing.

I smiled. I loved this song.

Like loved this song, so much so I wanted it to be what Marcus and I shared our first dance to at our wedding.

It wasn’t. We danced to some overplayed top forty hit instead.

Once Marcus shot down my choice saying he wouldn’t dance with me to some old-ass shit his mother probably got down to back in her day, I didn’t really care what we danced to. I just picked something slow I’d heard a hundred different times on the radio, figuring his mother probably didn’t listen to that station and I’d be in the clear of her ever getting down to it.

Looking back, I should’ve told him to shove it and danced by myself to the song I wanted. I never should’ve compromised on that.

Marcus wasn’t worth it.

Getting lost in the lyrics like I always did, swaying my hips slowly and closing my eyes through the chorus, I didn’t see or hear Brian move into the kitchen or step up behind me, only becoming aware of his presence when he snaked his arm around my waist and kissed my neck.

I sucked in as my eyes flashed open, let go of the rolling pin, and squeezed his arm that was holding me.

“You scared me,” I said, sounding a little breathless, then tipped my head to the side and dropped it back, leaning into him.

He brushed my hair behind my shoulder and took the earbud out of my ear.

“What are you listening to?”

I spun around and watched him bring the earbud up to his ear, hold it there, and listen for few seconds while keeping his eyes on me. His mouth tipped up in the corner.

“Should’ve guessed.” He handed the earbud back, doing so while looking amused.

This wasn’t the first time Brian had caught me getting lost in the King. Wouldn’t be the last either.

I pulled my cell out of my pocket, stopped the song, unplugged my headphones, and set everything on the island behind me.

“Smells good in here, babe,” Brian said, turning his head as if he was sniffing the air.

“Thanks.”

He stepped forward and reached around me. I heard chips crunching.

“What’s with the Doritos?”

“Ah.” I slid over so I wasn’t standing between him and the island anymore, picked up the other bag of Doritos I’d pulverized, and held it up, looking at it and explaining, “It’s the topping for the Mexican Chicken Bake. When the timer goes off, I’ll sprinkle these on top then bake it for another ten. It adds a tasty crunch. Plus, it’s totally kid friendly.” I moved my eyes to Brian. “The twins like Doritos, right?”

He shrugged. “They’re kids. Pretty sure they like all chips.”

I nodded, replying, “That’s what I was thinking.”

We both dropped our bags of Doritos onto the island.

“Is your sister still bringing dessert?”

“Last I heard.”

“Good. Only thing we have is popsicles and that’s our thing.”

It totally was.

Brian had gotten us a house with a porch for the sole purpose of eating popsicles together on it. No other reason. It was totally our thing now.

“In terms of Jamie bringing something, I was thinking,” I began, watching Brian’s eyebrows lift in curiosity. “Maybe you could see if he wants to wear his shiny new medal to dinner. I’m sure everyone would love to see it. I know I would. I’ve never seen a World Pro Am Champion medal before.”

Brian stared at me.

“Babe.”

“Mm?”

“Love you.”

I smiled big.

“Love you, too.”

He didn’t smile back. He stood taller, stuck his hands in his pockets of his shorts, and looked at me carefully when he went on to say, “But maybe you need to ease off your girl a little.”

I stuck my hand on my hip and cocked it out.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“It means I think you’re trying to force something that’s not happening. She’s not feeling Jamie,” he replied.

“She’s feeling him,” I shot back. “She just doesn’t want to admit it yet. I’m only helping it along.”

“No, you’re not.”

I cocked my hip out farther.

“Excuse me?”

Brian looked at my cocked hip, then back into my eyes to say, “You’re not helping, Wild. Your girl is a push away from losing her shit during dinner. Look at what happened two weeks ago.”

I thought back to two weeks ago. That was the last meal we shared with both Tori and Jamie since Jamie was in Cali last weekend and didn’t get back until Tuesday. Nothing unusual was standing out about that dinner, and I told Brian that.

“It was a delightful evening. Everyone loved my beef stroganoff.”

He tilted his head.

“You assigned seats with place cards.”

“So?”

“Think you went a little too far with that one.”

“They sat next to each other, didn’t they?” I reminded him. “And it forced conversation. They talked a lot.”

“They argued a lot,” he corrected.

I leaned forward.

“That’s still conversation, Brian.”

He breathed a laugh, shaking his head at me just as my cell started ringing on the island.

It was Tori. Taylor Swift was singing to me.

I made a face at him before spinning around and snatching up my phone. “Hey, what’s up?” I answered.

“Syd, you need to come over here right now, okay? Right now. Don’t say anything to Brian, just get in your car and get over here. Tell me you’re gonna do what I’m asking.”

Tori was panicked, her words were running together she was speaking so fast, and her breathing was tense, quickened as if she was pacing the floor.

“Okay, um,” I stammered, looking up at Brian, who was watching me. I started twirling a lock of my hair. “Can you tell me what’s going on first?”

“No!” she shrieked. “I need you to get over here like I asked!”

“Tori…”

“Please, Syd, okay? Please! Get over here now! This is urgent!”

Wes. His name flashed in my mind.

“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” I told her. “I’ll be right there.”

“Alone! Come alone!”

“All right!” I hollered.

She disconnected the call.

I stopped twirling my hair and stuck my phone into my back pocket.

“What’s up?” Brian asked.

“No idea, but I gotta go over to Tori’s. She’s flipping out about something.”

His brow furrowed.

“She didn’t say what?” he questioned.

I shook my head. Then I pointed behind him at the stove.

“When the timer goes off, can you put the Doritos on top and then bake it for another ten? I’ll be back as soon as I get her settled. Hopefully it won’t be too long. I don’t want to be cutting into what we have planned this afternoon.”

“Do what you gotta do,” he said, stepping closer, grabbing my face and kissing me. “We got time.”

“Okay.” I kissed him back.

Then I grabbed my keys, met Sir at the front door and told him he was staying home, stepped out onto the porch, and jogged to my car.

*  *  *

Tori had the front door swinging open before I even reached it, waving at me to hurry up.

“What’s going on?” I asked when I got inside. “You are officially freaking me out.”

She shut the door, grabbed my hand, and tugged me through the house.

“To preface what I’m about to show you, I need you to know why I was browsing a site like this. You keep forcing me to participate in family dinners and if I have to be around Jamie and his stupidly hot face, I can’t be doing it all worked up. It makes ignoring him a challenge,” she said, pulling me up the stairs.

I stared at the back of her head as we climbed higher.

“What in the world are you talking about?” I questioned, officially confused.

We reached the top of the stairs and Tori directed me down the hall to her bedroom, pushed the door open, released my hand, and moved to stand beside the bed.

Her sheets were messy and she had her laptop opened on it, facing the pillows so I couldn’t see the screen.

“Syd,” she began gently, reaching across her body to grip her elbow. “How well do you know Brian?”

I frowned at her question. This wasn’t about Wes?

“Pretty well, I think,” I replied. “Tori, what’s going on?”

She sat on the edge of the bed and spun the laptop around so it was facing me.

“Did you know he did this?” she asked, hitting a key and waking it up.

I moved closer so I could see what she was trying to show me.

A video was playing with the volume turned down so I couldn’t hear, but I didn’t need sound. I could tell exactly what type of video this was.

A man was thrusting into the woman lying beneath him on a bed, really going at her with vigor by the looks of it. The camera was angled behind them so I could only see his naked back and her limbs and her dark hair fanning out on the white sheet over his shoulder.

I gasped, looking to Tori. “Why are you showing me this?”

“Keep watching,” she said, her expression one of concern and worry.

I did as I was told because of that expression and looked back at the screen.

The man kept thrusting. The woman moved her hands to his shoulders and hitched her legs up higher on his back, her knee-high socks appearing to be the only clothing she’d left on.

Then the camera panned to the side to catch their profiles.

“Oh, my God!” I slapped my hand over my mouth and watched my boy move in and out of the girl he was fucking. Drawn to it because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, I climbed on the bed and hovered over the laptop. “Oh, my God! What is this? Why is Brian on the Internet?” I shrieked, looking to Tori and gripping the sides of the screen.

“It’s a porn site. He’s all over it,” she answered.

Air raced in and out of my lungs. My nose started stinging.

“What do you mean, he’s all over it?” I asked weakly.

“He’s on the home page. Look.”

She reached around the screen, forcing me to let go of one side, and hit the Back button. The video vanished and a website appeared in its place. Xstasy.com scrawled in scripted red font across the top against a black background, and in the center of the screen, there was a still image of Brian taking some girl from behind.

Get Done by Dash flashed below the image.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered, covering my mouth again.

“Dash. That’s what Jamie calls him, isn’t it?” Tori questioned, pulling my eyes up to hers.

I nodded on the verge of tears while I stared at his hands on her hips and his mouth, opened on her neck and sucking.

My stomach rolled and twisted into a knot.

“He’s got his own channel, Syd. I looked. It’s him and the same three girls, it looks like, plus some of just him, you know, going solo. They’re dated. They’re all from this year. Some of them are from just a couple of months ago. Did he say anything to you about this?”

I cut my eyes to her.

She quickly shook her head through a frown.

“I’m sorry. Stupid question. I just…” She swallowed. “I can’t believe he’d keep this from you. He must’ve known you’d eventually find out.”

I looked back at the screen.

I was trembling. My entire body shuddered as I stared at that image.

“Why,” I whispered, my voice shaking. Tears fell to my cheeks. “Why was he doing this? Why? This isn’t who he is. He’s not a porn star. He’s not. He would never do something like this.” I lifted my eyes again. “It wasn’t him. It’s not him.”

“Hon.” Tori reached for my hand. There were tears in her eyes, too.

My best friend never cried.

“It’s not him!” I shrieked, pulling away from her. “It’s not! I’ll show you. Watch.” I started moving my finger over the mouse pad to open up a video when Tori grabbed my hand. “Stop!” I pulled away again. “I wanna see them!”

“You don’t, Syd.”

“Yes I do!” I cried, fighting against her arms, which were reaching for me. “Yes I do! I wanna see them. Let me see them! LET ME SEE WHAT HE’S DONE!” I was screaming. I couldn’t control it.

She slammed the laptop closed, slid it over, and grabbed my shoulders so hard I flinched.

“It’s him. Trust me, it’s him, and you do not want to see that, hon. You don’t.” She shook her head and let her own tears fall. “You don’t wanna see it,” she whispered, her bottom lip quivering. “Honey, please. Please don’t watch.”

I dropped my head and sobbed as my best friend’s arms wrapped around me.

I knew it was Brian. Tori wouldn’t lie and I knew I shouldn’t look.

But I did.

I had to.

“He’s mine. Let me see him,” I whispered brokenly against her hair. I lifted my head, shrugging off Tori easily this time, and reached for the laptop.

She cried with her hand over her mouth as I flipped the screen up and navigated the mouse with my finger.

I wiped at my face.

I was determined to watch every video no matter how many there were or how long it would take me.

I got through three before I ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet.

Tori held my hair for me and rubbed my back.

A true best friend did more than sympathize with your pain. They allowed themselves to feel it, too.

My tears were her tears. We shared them. We cried together.

I emptied my stomach, slumped over the bowl, and wept while dirty images polluted my mind and the mantra my mother used to soothe herself with rang out in my ears.

Don’t get comfortable being happy. It’ll only hurt worse when it’s gone.

I didn’t think her words could touch me. Nothing could touch me.

I had been floating, high above order and reality. Blessedly and blissfully in love.

I thought my mother was spouting bullshit. Her words didn’t have meaning. They would never be true for me.

I was comfortable in my happy. And love? It was beautiful.

Perfect.

Crazy.

Wildly beautiful.

I had thought about calling my mother, if we were speaking, which we weren’t, and telling her she was wrong, that you could be happy without fear of losing it, because I was. I wasn’t scared.

I should’ve been.

God…I should’ve been terrified.

I floated on my cloud of perfect love, delirious and oblivious to the dirty beneath me.

And when I came down, I didn’t float.

I fell. I crashed. And it hurt.

Worse than any pain I’d ever felt.

It was unbearable.

“Where are you going?” Tori asked as I left her in the bathroom after rinsing out my mouth in the sink.

“I need to talk to Brian. I need to hear it from him,” I called out on my way down the stairs.

Her quick footsteps followed behind.

“I’ll drive you. You can’t drive right now.”

“Fine.”

I didn’t have it in me to argue, and I knew I’d be coming back here with Tori anyway so what was the difference?

I saved my energy for the conversation I was about to have.

When we stepped outside, I tossed Tori my keys and slid into the passenger seat. My phone started ringing from my pocket as we pulled away from the house.

I ignored it.

Only one person was most likely calling me right now. I’d been gone awhile and Brian would want to know why.

He could wait to find out. I didn’t owe him a damn thing.

Images of the man I thought I knew filled my head as we drove, ones of him touching and kissing and fucking girls who weren’t me. I put words into his mouth and heard him calling them Wild and Babe and moaning Baby Baby Baby when he was coming. It was torture.

I cried with my head against the window and Tori’s hand in mine.

“Wait here,” I told her after she pulled into the driveway and shifted into Park.

She unbuckled her seat belt, regarding me sadly and uncertainly.

“You sure?”

I nodded, gave her hand one last squeeze, and exited the car.

I’m not sure why I did the next thing I did. Maybe it was because I didn’t feel as if I belonged here anymore. Maybe it was because it was all a dream and I was finally awake. I never really lived here.

I climbed the porch and knocked instead of entering.

Sir barked a few times, then Brian opened the door and flinched at the sight of me.

“Babe, what are you doing?” He reached for me.

I took a step back.

“Can I please come inside?” I asked, wiping a tear away.

He stared at me, taking in my sadness and behavior.

“Wild, what the fuck?”

He made a move to step outside and I halted him with my hand raised.

“Brian,” I began in a warning tone, freezing him in the doorway. “I am asking you if I can come inside. I don’t want to do this out here.”

Something flashed in his eyes then, recollection of what he did or realization of what I knew, I wasn’t sure which, but he suddenly looked as empty as I felt and it took everything in me not to reach out and hold him.

Love is stupid like that.

He silently stepped aside and held the door open for me to enter.

I closed the door, ignoring Sir, who was jumping up at my feet for attention. He gave up after he wasn’t getting it and moved on, leaving me to watch Brian as he padded across the room, rubbing harshly at his face with both hands. He stopped behind the couch and gripped the back of it, keeping his head down and his eyes fixated on the cushions.

“You need to know why I did it,” he said quietly.

“I do, but it won’t change anything.”

His head snapped up at my words.

“Wild,” he whispered.

“Don’t call me that,” I said, fresh tears brimming my eyes as I took a step forward. “You don’t get to call me that. My boy calls me that and you are not him.”

His spine straightened.

“The fuck I’m not,” he growled.

I ignored his defiance and probed for the answers I needed.

“Why, Brian? Why were you doing that and why didn’t you tell me? How could you keep that from me?”

“I was trying to protect you,” he countered, his tone gentler now as he tried to explain. “I didn’t want you ever seeing that. I didn’t want you knowing about it. I knew it would hurt you.” He looked back to the cushions and murmured, “I didn’t think you would ever see it.”

“Well, I did,” I spat, gaining his attention again. “I did see it. I watched you with them. I watched the man I care about more than anything making love to those women.”

“That is not what I was doing.”

“Fine. Fucking,” I hissed. “I watched you fuck those fake, nasty porn stars. I watched it! Do you have any idea what that was like for me? Having my best friend show me something like that? Sitting there not knowing anything about the man I love because he was doing this behind my back for months! I saw you get off on them! I saw enough to make me sick!”

“You think I wasn’t sick going through with it?” he shouted, turning to face me now. “You think that’s the kind of man I am? Fucking for money because I wanted it?” He jammed a finger at his chest. “You think that’s me?”

“I know what I saw,” I replied curtly. “Your dick was hard, so explain to me how you didn’t want it.”

“I had to take a fuckin’ pill to go through with it, Syd,” he spat. “None of that was real. None of what you saw meant anything. I fuckin’ hated it. All of it. I was just doin’ what I had to do.”

“Why?” I asked. “Why were you doing it? I don’t understand…why would you need to do something like that?”

“Because I needed the money.”

“For what?” I yelled, moving even closer as I cried openly for him to see. “Why would you need money?”

“BECAUSE OF THAT FUCKING KID!” he bellowed, his face as red as the center of a flame.

I jerked back. My hand covered my mouth.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

No…

“Brian,” I whispered.

He lowered his head. Fists clenched at his sides, he heaved deep breaths in and out of his nose. He looked as sick as I’d felt watching those videos.

I stood there, crying silently, and waited. I needed to hear it.

He lifted his head.

“There were bills, all right? Thousands of dollars’ worth of hospital bills and that shit was gonna keep piling up for them and I couldn’t just let that happen! I couldn’t do nothing!” he roared. His voice was thunderous. “Not after what I did. I fucked up their lives. I put them there. Me! No one else. Fucking me, Syd! And I was gonna do anything I could to ease some of that burden. Anything. I WOULD’VE DONE ANYTHING!”

I was sobbing, hand to my mouth, while Brian’s entire body shook with the bad he was finally letting go of.

The cords in his neck were bulging. His chest was heaving. Knuckles white.

He closed his eyes, made a choking sound in the back of his throat, then slowed his breath enough to continue on.

“And I did,” he said, jaw tight but appearing slightly calmer. “I did anything. Found an ad in the paper when I was doing a crossword. Gig was paying eight hundred a scene. I saw the opportunity and to me it was the only option. You gotta know…Syd, I wasn’t in a good place. In my head, all that fucking guilt, I wasn’t thinking about how fucked up this was. I wouldn’t let anyone help me. Jamie and Cole offered to give me cash but it wasn’t their fuckup. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t drag people into this shit with me. I couldn’t fuckin’ do that! This was mine! I had to fix this, but I swear to you…I swear to fuckin’ God I hated it. Zoned out, got paid, then delivered the money. I didn’t keep a fuckin’ dime. I wouldn’t do that.”

“I believe you,” I told him, because I did. I believed every word.

He made a move to come toward me, but I kept him back with a shake of my head.

“They knew you were giving them money?” I asked.

That didn’t make sense to me. I still remembered the look on the father’s face that night at Friendly’s when he recognized Brian. That wasn’t how you looked at someone you were seeing frequently because they were handing over cash.

Brian shook his head.

“No. I either stuck it in their mailbox or I gave it to this woman who runs a horse-riding place where the kid is doing therapy. It was supposed to help him so I was making sure he was getting to do that, too. I didn’t want them knowing it was coming from me. I didn’t want to risk them not taking it.”

“So you kept this from everyone except Jamie and Cole,” I offered, feeling my lip start quivering again. “Nice of them not to share it with me.”

“They knew I didn’t want anyone knowing,” he murmured.

I looked away.

That hurt. They were my friends. Friends look out for each other. They should’ve told me.

Brian should’ve told me.

I felt my shoulders drop. Air rushed out of my lungs.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered as more tears fell, looking back to Brian. “This was why, wasn’t it? This was why you didn’t want to know me. You were afraid I’d recognize you from that site.” My eyes widened. “You asked me. You asked me if I recognized you the night of the party. This was what you meant.”

“Knew you’d end it if you knew who I was,” he admitted. “I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t risk you finding out. Figured if I gave you my last name or any other shit, you’d search for me and something might come up.”

“You were selfish,” I put out.

He nodded. He wasn’t disagreeing.

“You lied to me,” I added a beat later.

His eyes got hard.

“I never lied to you,” he returned quickly and with a rough voice. “Not once. I would never fuckin’ lie to you.”

“You didn’t tell me the truth. That’s the same thing as lying,” I shot back, watching his mouth open to speak and cutting him off before that happened. “How long? The whole time? Were you doing this behind my back the whole time you were talking to me? In the beginning when we were just friends and then when we became more, were you with those girls? Did you ever stop? Oh, my God.” I held my face with my hands and cried out, “Are you still doing it?”

“No,” Brian answered with panic in his eyes, crossing the room to get to me and doing so without me stopping him. He grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands away. “Fuck, no, Jesus, I would never do that to you. Look at me,” he ordered, lifting my quivering chin. “I would never fuckin’ do that to you. I stopped after that night you attacked the car. Switched to solos after that. There was no one else.” He held my face. “Once I had you, there was no one else. I swear on my fuckin’ life, Syd.”

Brian wiped my tears away, then his face tensed again through a breath and he did something that completely shocked me.

He stepped back.

I gaped at him.

“Before I tell you this, know I realize how different things could’ve been if I would’ve thought of this option five months ago,” he said. His voice was shaking.

I braced myself, pressing the pads of my fingers to my mouth.

I could barely breathe.

“After that night of the party when I finally got you, when I finally got my girl, I knew I couldn’t keep going to that warehouse and filming, solos or not. I wanted out. I needed another way. I had you and I wouldn’t jeopardize it, so I convinced Jamie to buy me out of Wax.”

My lips parted.

“What?” I asked, blinking up at him.

Brian nodded as if to confirm I wasn’t hearing things.

“Sold my share and gave all the money to that family, and it was a lot of fuckin’ money, Syd. More than I had given them up to that point. I didn’t even think about it. Months ago, selling out didn’t cross my mind. I was so fucked up over this shit, I wasn’t thinkin’ straight. I wasn’t seeing other outs. If I had, I swear to you that’s what I would’ve done. You gotta believe me.”

“I do. I believe you,” I told him, watching his face soften and then eliminating that soft when I bit out, “What I can’t believe is you letting me think, for months, that you still owned Wax. You kept the truth from me, Brian. Again! I was getting everyone to go to the shop my boy owned because I was proud, and that whole time you let me think something that wasn’t true.”

“What could I have said?” he asked tensely, his voice growing louder. “Tell me. What the fuck could I have said to you? Why would I sell out?”

“You could’ve told me the truth!” I screamed. “But you didn’t! You didn’t tell me anything! You kept everything from me!”

“I was trying to protect you!”

“Well, you didn’t, did you? You didn’t protect me! You hurt me worse than anyone ever has!”

He sucked in a breath, then stepped closer, reaching out.

I stepped back.

“No,” I said, my hand raised between us. “You kept everything from me, Brian. You had plenty of time to tell me the truth but you didn’t.”

“I was planning on telling you. I was just waiting for the right time. I needed you to understand…”

“Stop,” I interrupted. “I don’t wanna hear your excuses. They don’t matter.”

He looked away briefly, then met my eyes again. “I’ll fix it,” he rasped. He sounded desperate. “Let me fix it. You know everything now, Wild. Everything.”

“Don’t call me that,” I whispered through my tears, then somehow with a softer voice added, “You lied to me.”

His chin jerked back, then his jaw got hard.

“Never lied to you,” he repeated gently but with eyes that were burning right through me. “Never touched another girl after you gave me that night on the phone. Kept things from you and did that because I thought that was the right move. Didn’t want you getting hurt and would’ve done anything, know this, Syd, would’ve done fuckin’ anything to keep that from happening. Can’t stand the thought of you hurting. From the beginning, couldn’t stand it. Thought about finding that ex of yours and killing that motherfucker more times than I could count. You did me in that night you called me. Lit my fucking world up. Had shit in my life, nothing but shit, then I got you, and fuck, baby, you gave me so much good.” He smiled a little, then lost it to continue on, “So much good, and I didn’t deserve any of it but you gave it. Got dick back but that didn’t stop you. Gave me that good and I took it. I was selfish, I know I was. I couldn’t risk losing you. And I’d apologize if I was sorry for getting your heart but I can’t be sorry for that.” He shook his head as tears filled his eyes again. “I’m trying. Right now, looking at you, I’m trying, Syd. I can be sorry for a lot of things and I am, I regret a lot of shit, but getting you? Fuck that. I’m not sorry. I’m in love with you. I’ll die being in love with you.”

Oh, God.

I cried with my hand to my mouth. My body was throbbing and my eyes were burning.

I wanted so badly to hold him. There was something wrong with me.

And Brian wasn’t finished.

“I fucked up,” he whispered, tears falling down his face. “I fucked up by not telling you that first night I had you in my arms. That I am sorry for. Not giving you what you deserved knowing, keeping shit from you, you finding out the way you did, for the rest of my life I’ll feel this. I deserve to feel it.” He wiped at his face. “Just tell me, Syd, tell me I’m gonna feel it with you next to me because I can’t—”

“Brian,” I cut him off, shaking my head.

He was asking something of me I couldn’t guarantee. Even after listening to his explanation and hearing all he’d just said, even with my heart still reaching for him, I couldn’t guarantee something I wasn’t sure of.

Brian closed his eyes, opened them, and then begged, “Please, Wild. Don’t leave me. It’s over. All of that shit is over—”

“It’s not over,” I interrupted him. “It’s not. Those videos are still out there. Anyone can see them. My mom. Your family. Years from now…” I paused through a sob, the reason behind my pain coming to light and Brian getting it.

He knew what I meant. I saw in the way the saddest boy on earth grew sadder, his body going still and pain sinking in his features.

I didn’t have to say it but I did. I needed him to hear this from me.

“Years from now,” I continued, still crying, “kids will search for anything on the Internet. Being curious, they could search for you, and that website will take them right to those videos, and what would you say? What could you say? They’d see their daddy with somebody else. How could you fix that?” He opened his mouth to speak but I kept going. “Or me?” I asked, breaking into tears again. “I watched three of those videos before I got sick. I saw everything you did with those women. How are you gonna fix that?”

“I will,” he promised, stepping closer.

“You can’t,” I returned, and he froze. “You can’t fix this, Brian.”

“Wild—”

“You remember what you said to me the first time you called? You said if I didn’t want to speak to you anymore, you’d disappear. You’d leave me alone.”

Brian shook his head.

“Don’t,” he urged.

“I’m asking that of you right now,” I told him, trying to sound firm and resolute in my request but finding that to be a difficult task with a voice that wouldn’t stop quaking and a heart that didn’t want me to speak. I powered through the best I could. “I’m packing my stuff and I’m going to Tori’s, and I am asking you to leave me be. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t follow me. Don’t come there. Leave me alone.”

“I can’t do that.”

“You’ll do it, or you’ll never see me again,” I promised.

Brian flinched.

He killed me. Now I was killing him.

“I need time to think,” I said, sniffing and looking around the room. “I might need a lot of time, and I need to do that without looking at you. If I want to talk to you, I’ll reach out. If I don’t…” My voice trailed off.

Sir entered the room from the kitchen carrying his rope toy in his mouth.

God…I was gonna have to leave him, too.

“I’m gonna fix this,” Brian assured me once more, turning my head. “I will fix this.”

I could’ve said something back. So many words danced on my tongue as I stood there staring at the boy who built my heart up just to break it.

You won’t.

You can’t.

I hope you do.

God, please fix this.

Instead, I left him standing there and went to the bedroom, packed all the things I could fit into one duffle bag, slung it over my shoulder, and walked to the front door.

Sir met me there.

Brian hadn’t moved from his spot.

I bent down and loved on my puppy for a minute, whispering to him and scratching underneath his neck the way he liked.

When I was finished, I turned and looked right into Brian’s eyes. Then I said good-bye.

If it was our last good-bye, I wanted it to be one worth remembering. I wanted to see him.

He didn’t say it back.

I opened the door, stepped outside onto the porch, fought back tears, and didn’t let them fall until I got back to Tori’s, back into my old bed, and wrapped in the same sheets that held me while I was falling in love with a boy.