“I’m telling you, Schatzi, it could work!”
“Not tonight, Gerald.”
“Just posit it, will you? What if we’ve been approaching it all wrong? Open your mind to the idea. Suppose great sex is an absolute value?”
“Like…like forty-one-point-eight-eight-three?”
“Exactly.”
“Please. Can’t you just wrap your head around the concept that you’re a horndog without a clue?”
“You always descend to ad hominem arguments when you run out of data.”
“Gerald, I have data. I’m up to here with data. Every time we try this I get the cramp of a lifetime and you get off and I swear never ever again until next time.”
“If we don’t keep trying we’ll never know. That’s the foundation of research.”
“If we have a dumb assumption, we’ll never get there. That’s because great sex for men, are you listening, Gerald, is an absolute value. I got a woody, I got off. It’s that simple. For women, it’s different because, news flash, Gerald, we’re not built like you. If you were a biologist instead of a mathematician, you might be able to grasp that. But you’re not interested in icky squishy sciences full of nonabsolutes and infinitely multiplying variables.”
“I’m interested in squishy. I have infinite interest in squishy.”
“You don’t even watch when you wash yourself. And you wear those foodservice gloves.”
“You wash your hands when you get mouse brains on them.”
“Mouse brains are not the same thing at all.”
“Duh.”
“You don’t know where they’ve been.”
“You know exactly where they’ve been. You sliced ’em out of the mouse’s head yourself.”
“My body parts are not mouse brains!”
“Inarguably true.”
*snf*
“Don’t you want to know my new methodology?”
“God, you’re persistent.”
“It’s a good one. It’s got…sliding values in a fixed yet elastic relationship.”
“Oo. Talk math to me.”
“Knew you’d like it. Picture this moon rover model as one primary.”
“It’s got wheels, Gerald.”
“This Chewbacca is the other primary.”
“You like me hairy?”
“Stay with me, okay? We take up a fixed yet elastic relationship…we move in a direction, any direction you want…but elastically. We can make microadjustments in the value of the space between us at any moment, see, the proximity of Chewy to the moon rover, and we travel together. The value of our two positions relative to our starting positions changes, but the relationship stays the same.”
“That’s what I’m complaining about.”
“You just have to trust me.”
“That too.”
“You can’t resist a well-designed experiment.”
“I’m…thinking about it.”
“Okay. Here we go. Let’s say female orgasm is a fixed value, but the travel, the distance required to move from position one to orgasm, is variable. That’s our first unknown.”
“You can say that again.”
“You’re interested. You love this.”
“Go on.”
“Our second unknown is the elastic relationship between primary F, that’s you, and primary M, that’s me.”
“Are you trying to break up with me? Because we can do this faster.”
“I thought you wanted to go slower, and no, I’m not trying to break up with you. I want to make you come screaming YES YES YES and leave claw marks on my back. Um.”
“Really?”
“Well, uh, I’m committed. In theory.”
“Claw marks?”
“That’s optional. A hickey would be fine.”
“Huh.”
“Where were we?”
“The elastic relationship between primary F and primary M.”
“Right, right. See, I figured out that while O is a fixed value, the position we start from is always different. Whether you’re in the mood.”
“Whether you watched Charlie’s Angels or not.”
“Hey, it’s not always Charlie’s Angels. If your sister calls, forget it.”
“Stick with your idea.”
“And since I’m pretty much always horny, I figured, what if we move the relative position of primary M closer to the relative position of primary F, rather than the other way around. Because that hasn’t worked.”
“This is really nice of you.”
“Well, you’re always saying, that’s not where you’re at right now. I thought, why not take that literally.”
“Thank you.”
“And we’re not just working in three dimensions here, because if you get a call from that bitc—your sister and you slip into the past about the dork she married—”
“Stole from me.”
“—then you’re in the fourth dimension. Who knows? Maybe O isn’t exactly right here either.”
“Whoa. Wait a minute.”
“Hey, no offense, I’m not making a judgment—”
“No, I mean wait a minute, what if that’s true? What if the value of O for me—you did suggest it’s a fixed value—isn’t really in the present? Or it’s far away or something?”
“Like, you can’t be here with me when you come?”
“Don’t get mad. I have no idea where I am when I come.”
“Really? Now you’ve got me curious.”
“Well, you can stay curious, Gerald. It’s hard for me to talk about it. Sex is so easy for you.”
“Well, it is.”
“See? How can I tell you stuff if you’re gonna say, Dory, that’s too complicated.”
“Schatzi, I’m trying to complicate it. I mean, I’m trying to get used to complicated. How many variables are we talking about, when you get right down to it? Me. You. Our initial positions. The ultimate goal. Phases in between. If you can’t start close to me, I have to move closer to you.”
“Close is good.”
“Do you mind if I unsnap your jeans? Because for this next position you may have to fold a little, and that was a big pizza.”
“You know, sometimes I ask myself is it so cool after all that you’re such a talker.”
“If I don’t make you laugh, you chicken out on me. Learned that recently. Variable L.”
“Are you serious? You assigned a variable for wise-cracking?”
“That would be variable W.”
“The dork my sister married doesn’t talk at all. Just grunts.”
“See, we’re already points ahead. That’s better.”
“You’re just trying to get me naked.”
“I’m leaving my initial position and approaching yours. Now the next phase of calculation toward fixed value O—”
“There’s a next phase?”
“—Of course—involves making elastic microadjustments in the distance between us.”
“It’s a sport bra, elastoboy. It pulls over my head.”
“Ah, thanks. Now, some theorists suggest that you start with the lowest frequencies—”
“Eek! Hey!”
“—And work up, but I’ve been doing some reading in other authorities who advocate a top-down or even side-to-side or lateral microadjustment—kind of like tuning a radio—”
“That works.”
“The key being microadjustment, smaller increments of travel.”
“Oo. Oh. Twist my dials some more.”
“And watch for indicators that we’ve reached optimal proximity.”
“Ummm.”
“Which may shift in value at any moment.”
“Ow! Watch it with that radio dial.”
“Where values for variable W start to increase, regroup and ratchet down the adjustment rate.”
“God, I love it when you talk math.”
“Good, good. Turn over.”
“What?”
“Backrub.”
“Backrub? But I was just—that was—where did you find these ‘other authorities’ you’ve been reading?”
“Cosmo. Ah, variable L again. Optimal proximity restored.”
“Oh god, my neck’s been killing me. How did you know I needed that?”
“Voicemail from your sister makes you tense.”
“That’s not my neck. Um. Do that some more.”
“Like it?”
“Yeah. I don’t get it. Cosmo said to…tune my radio and then give me a backrub?”
“That was my idea. Locate an optimal proximity value, then oscillate back and forth across it along different axes.”
“That’s so annoying.”
“You told me I’m stuck in a rut. So I’m triangulating. I want to determine if the optimal proximity is a value, a range of values, or a predictable velocity of changing values.”
“Mmm. Could you rub my feet?”
“Excellent! And that’s two more points to Cosmo. Their experts said you’d go from back to feet.”
“Slower.”
“Slower it is.”
“Oo, baby, beat me with your T-square. Do I get to adjust proximity too, or do I just lie here?”
“Uh, I think for now Chewy had better let the moon rover come to him. Her. We don’t want the test blowing up in our faces.”
“Man, you are in trouble. I’m gonna want a foot rub every night.”
“That’s doable. So are we ready to reposition and triangulate?”
“You have great hands.”
“Thanks.”
“Take your clothes off, Gerald.”
“Uh, I did say the moon rover’s a little fragile on the controls.”
“It’ll turn me on.”
“Really?”
“Hey, I like to look at skin.”
“Maybe you should keep lying on your stomach.”
“Maybe I should slap you behind the ear.”
“Uh-oh. Variable P—”
“For pissed off. Get naked, Gerald. Okay. Now that’s what I’m talking about.”
“Cosmo said irritation is a sign of sexual frustration.”
“I haven’t bought Cosmo in two years.”
“I’m—nervous. You don’t look at me naked a lot.”
“Because you get naked, I get naked, and two nanoseconds later you jump me.”
“I’m taking this as a positive development.”
“I think you can do that. Did I say I like you naked?”
“Not yet.”
“Okay, Gerald. I love you naked.”
“Okay. Good. New information. Good to know.”
“You’re babbling. Where are we at, vis-a-vis fixed value for O?”
“See, I’ve been thinking about that too. What are you doing?”
“Touching your skin.”
“My knees?”
“You have better knees than I do, Gerald. Fixed value for O?”
“Um, yeah. It occurred to me that since all the action takes place in determining primary F’s current distance from O, and then the tricky bit, microadjusting elastic proximity between primary F and primary M on what I think we can now safely describe as a predictable velocity of changing values for optimal proximity—well, semipredictable—Schatzi, what are you doing?!”
“Demonstrating. I read the dirty parts of your magazines too.”
“Demonstrating?”
“I told you it’s hard for me to talk. Call it show-and-tell.”
“Holy kookamunga. Uh. Can you breathe?”
“Fut up. An’ cake nofe.”
“Oh boy.”
“And did I tell you to keep talking math?”
“Keep—um—oh. Okay.”
“Aggaboy.”
“Well. Take notes, uh. Christ, Schatzi, you’re killing me. Ow! Right. So, so the thing is, what I’m trying to say, I wonder maybe if it’s not getting to that fixed value for O that we should—should focus on but m-maybe instead pay more attention to the t-travel, triangulating across different axes on, on, on optimal proximity for a given value, call it X, and then plotting the travel toward O with as many microadjustments as sah-seem necessary for that instance. By the time we—can you jus—oh boy—Schatzi!”
“Heh. Didja like that?”
“I am so sorry. I warned you the moon rover was liable to blow a—”
“Dummy, that was a demonstration. It’s your turn now.”
“Muh-my turn?”
“You did say you were willing to triangulate across different axes.”
“I did. Yes. I said that. Boy, what if I screw up?”
“Reposition and microadjust proximity as necessary. I can be patient. In the interests of science.”
“Wow. Okay. Lessee, optimal proximity should be—”
“Chewy says, less talk and more demonstration. I’ll tell you how you’re doing.”
“Okay. M. How gis?”
“Get squishy. And more lateral movement. Uh-huh. Gerald!”
“Whah?”
“That was a good ‘Gerald.’ Don’t stop.”
“M-kay.”
“You know how the—oo—faster—not so fast—perfect—current position of primary F relative to O is always—hoo—oh. No, don’t change a thing. Position of, of primary F keeps changing on you? Go, baby! Oo! Chewy getting excited there. So yeah. Can you dial up the velocity a bit? Yeah! So what I’ve been afraid to say. About the current position. Well, this is more about biology than mathematics. Can you—like—oh—picture a—well, a cross b—between Chewbacca and a moo—mooo—too fast—no, that’s perfect—mooooonnnn—yes—Yes—YES! YES YES YES! OH my GOD! Oh, GERALD! Oh, my oh, my omi-omi-omigod.”
“You okay?”
“You did it, Gerald. You attained fixed value of O!”
“We did it.”
“Oh God, we did, we did. Wow.”
“Cross between Chewy and the moon rover? That could be a bit of a borg, couldn’t it? Pfft. Hair in my teeth.”
“Do you mind?”
“It was worth it.”
“No, I mean about the…the borg.”
“The hypothetical borg?”
“Nno, it’s more of a real-time actual borg.”
“Really? Yours and mine?”
“You hate it. Oh, God.”
“Nah. I think we’re gonna make beautiful borgs together.”