Worked hard all day and got loads done. On the walk back from Merrion Square, I feel contented with the applications I have put in. I always send an email attachment application and have a bound hard copy hand delivered. I like to work like that. No confusion. No electronic mix-ups. No: ‘This didn’t attach or that didn’t attach.’ No: ‘I didn’t get that.’ Because it’s all backed up by a silver paperclip in black-and-white in a brown padded envelope. I have no idea if Colin will be home.
I pop into Centra to grab a small bag of microwavable new baby potatoes; there are some chicken breasts and carrots in the fridge – I will do a little mini casserole for us this evening. As I come out of Centra I spot the bridal lingerie shop, Ideals, on the corner. I check out the window display for a split second before I dash through the traffic, push the door open and go in.
* * *
Colin’s car is in the driveway as I open the front door. I haven’t got the kids from Laura’s yet, I still have half and hour. I usually make a quick coffee, get the dinner on and then run down the road. As soon as I open the door I hear my family.
‘Muuummmyyyyyy!’ Mark speeds down the hall and attaches himself to my legs.
‘Hello, baby! Did Daddy collect you from Laura’s, pet?’ I bend down and hug him tightly.
‘Hey there, Mom.’ Jade swings her slim body on the doorframe of the front room. She’s wearing a tweed cap on her head, with thick blonde locks tumbling out of it around her face, with her school uniform. On her feet, they may need to be surgically removed, her trusty Uggs. I take them over the high heel any day, but still. The main thing I can say about the Uggs is they aren’t sexy, and I’m all for any clothes that are in fashion for eleven-year-old girls not being sexy.
During the summer Jade had begged and pleaded with me to buy her one of those revolting children’s bra and knickers set from Penney’s. ‘Absolutely, categorically no way!’ I had told her. There was no debate but we clashed for a long time over it. Karen had three sets in all different colours, she’d shouted at me as we drove away from the shop brown-paper-bagless. She never really forgave me, I guess.
‘Come in here!’ She drags me back to the here and now and believe it or not she is smiling brightly. Her words leave her mouth fast and I can’t hear her American drawl either. Praise the Lord!
I take off my coat and carry my laptop bag and the small bag of microwavable potatoes into the kitchen. The table is laid with cutlery, condiments and plates with a massive cardboard pizza box in the middle. A bottle of wine is open and two wine glasses sit beside it. On the CD player Billy Joel sings about his Piano Man. The heating is on and my home is warm.
‘What the …’ I drop my bags onto the floor, completely blown away.
‘Hiya, love!’ Colin, in his black Adidas tracksuit, chequered tea towel slung over his shoulder, is at the oven.
‘Hi.’ I look at him quizzically.
‘Garlic bread is just ready.’ He bends and opens the oven and the smell is mouth-watering. He flaps the tea towel at the emerging heat. Then he comes over and takes my bags up and puts them on the counter.
‘Well … this is a pleasant surpr—’ I stop myself. I don’t want anything that can be misconstrued coming out of my mouth.
‘Thank you, Colin,’ I say.
‘Mummy, I don’t like garlic bread, can I just have pizza, can I, can I?’ Mark asks tugging at my shirt.
‘Oscar got like another black mark on his card today, you know what he did, Mom? He like totalllllllllllly messed up …’ Jade is talking so fast I can hardly catch any words. The young American has returned.
‘Mummmyyyy, can I? Daddy says I have to try the garlic bread.’ Mark pulls at my arms now.
‘He was like giving crap back to teacher and teacher was, like …’ Jade speeds up.
‘Mummmmyyyyyyy, can I? Can I?’ Mark pulls and pulls.
‘Kids! Stop! Let your mother get in the door, now go and wash your hands. Mark, you don’t have to try the garlic bread; Jade, save your story about Oscar to tell us all over dinner.’ Colin moves to the table and pulls out a chair for me.
‘My lady.’ He bows.
I smile at him and sit as he pushes my chair in. His hair is freshly washed and still damp. He is freshly shaved and smells of shower gel and Hugo Boss aftershave. He takes a piece of my new Winnie the Pooh kitchen roll and places it softly across my lap. Then he pours me a large glass of red.
‘Wow, are they like that every evening? Now relax, Mrs Devlin.’
He is gorgeous, of course he is, I can see that. I think of the new expensive sexy underwear in my bag as I lift my glass. My nose automatically dives in and I inhale cherries and a bitter sweet euphoria. I take a long gulp. The kids come back and Colin serves the garlic bread and pizza at the same time. It’s a Hawaiian pizza, my favourite but not Colin’s – he doesn’t even like pineapple yet he got this for me. Colin rolls his yellow-handled pizza cutter through the dough and he puts generous slices on all our plates.
‘Whoever wants the garlic bread just tuck in.’ Colin sits at the head of the table.
Jade recounts her story of naughty Oscar in her American accent as I plop a huge portion of mayonnaise on the side of my plate. By all accounts Oscar told teacher that he has no right to put his hand on his shoulder. Jade’s hair is now piled up in a messy bun, she’s still wearing her grey school uniform but she’s one of those girls that can wear anything. Her white shirt collar is turned up on one side, deliberately yet casually wrong, the tie perfected ever so slightly loose. A uniform suits her because she somehow makes it her own. I’m suddenly reminded of Colin in his school uniform, they are so alike. I love her so much. I want us to be closer. I want us to be best friends and I don’t care if that’s all sorts of wrong. I want all of her. Maybe I should have got the vile bra and knickers set, she’d love me so much more.
‘Mummy, can I get Dark World Lego for my birthday?’ Mark asks with the longest string of cheese pulling away from his mouth still attached to his slice. I want to say mind the uniform but I don’t. I never ever allow them to eat dinner in the uniforms because I’m the one who has to wash them. I choose to say nothing.
‘Isn’t Dark World for over-eights?’ The mayonnaise covers the base of my slice as I dip more and I bring it to my mouth. Hunger suddenly hits me and this is to die for. Is it possible that I am relaxed?
‘Well, yeah, but, no … but, like, it’s so deadly!’ Mark’s tomato-covered face is pleased with me. ‘And Daniel has it and he’s not even five till after Santie comes!’
‘Daniel has older brothers though, that’s probably why.’ I lift my glass and warm it between my palms before I release the magical end of argument, the two words between mummy and son: ‘We’ll see.’
That’s pleased him no end. He nods and smiles and tucks into another delectable triangle.
‘Karen’s family sit down like this like every night … like, her mom is, like, everyone has to eat together at five thirty. I used to be, like, “Urgh, you mean you all have to sit together while you eat dinner?” But, y’know, this is kinda nice, right?’
‘It really is, love,’ Colin says and it’s not a dig. It’s a fact. I get it.
* * *
We have a lovely family meal with so many laughs and we all get on famously. Colin has made a huge effort, I know that. It isn’t going unappreciated. The kids are still eating but I’m carbed out now so I turn to him.
‘Thanks for this,’ I say softly.
‘No bother at all.’ He smiles.
‘Did you finish early?’ I keep my voice jolly.
‘Well, sort of … not really … Maia took my last appointment.’ He runs his index finger around the edge of the pizza box gathering the leftover cheese.
‘That was nice of her,’ I say.
Colin licks his finger and takes the slice I have left on my plate and I watch him peel the pineapple off.
‘To be honest I think she’s happy of the extra work now that she and Donal have split, she’s a bit lonely I think.’ He raises the slice to his mouth. I sip my wine. He chews, swallows, dabs his mouth with Winnie the Pooh and then says, ‘I’ve put the emersion buttons down for you, so a bath should be ready to run after you have that glass. I’ve emptied the school bags, washed the lunch boxes and I will start with them on their homework.’ Colin wipes his mouth now, and I catch him looking closely at the Winnie the Pooh print on the more expensive, less eco-friendly kitchen roll, but he is saying nothing. I could say it’s Thursday and Jade needs extra help with her after-school Christmas art project on a Thursday, but I don’t. I could say he needs to go through Mark’s hair with the fine-tooth comb after another letter home about nits in the classroom, but I don’t.
I say nothing except, ‘Thanks, Colin.’
* * *
When I emerge from my glorious soak, all coconut smelling, I go into my room to dry my hair. I stand again in front of my slightly opened wardrobe mirrored doors, both reflections stare back at me.
‘It’s going to be OK,’ I whisper to both of me. ‘Tonight you are going to put on some sexy underwear and make passionate love to your husband,’ I mouth to the shocked reflections. Opening the bedroom door I pad quietly downstairs to grab my bag. They are watching Tangled and I can hear Flynn Ryder enquiring about Rapunzel’s day. I sneak back up. If Mark hears me, he will run out. I close the bedroom door and drop my polka-dot robe. I study my body. It’s in good nick – tummy a bit flabby but as I said I’m OK with that. I haven’t been eating much at all lately either so I have lost a few pounds. My breasts are becoming slightly saggy, no longer the pert pair I once had. I am unshaven and wonder should I have shaved. It’s tidy enough but a spot of landscaping wouldn’t have gone amiss. I look at my face. I smile widely. Lines. A lot of small creeping lines. Laughter lines I suppose. Lived-in lines. I take my right hand and slowly pat the skin underneath my chin. I don’t like the look of this. Sagging. Growing an additional chin, it would seem. Like Mother Nature has now decided one isn’t enough. I stretch my neck up and out as I open my mouth and examine my teeth. Just like Owen I am the proud owner of characterful teeth, I suppose. Front two perfectly straight (just as well, as my mother never had the money to send me to a dentist), others slightly overlapping. I step back and look at my feet, Cherry Bomb has now gone from numerous toes. I need a repaint. Turning, I open the Ideals bag that’s laid out on my bed. I remove my purchases; they are wrapped up lovingly in soft gold paper sealed together with a discrete gold sticker that bears the name of the shop. I unwrap the black lace quarter-length bra top and then the lace high-rise boy shorts; I remove the suspender belt and the barely black stockings. I stare at them. It has to be done. I dress in the garments quickly and slide my feet into my black patent Red or Dead high heels before I turn to look in the mirror. I wonder how I will look? I turn slowly and open my eyes.
‘Oh, whoa! Not too bad,’ I whisper to myself. I look damn sexy, if I say so myself. The underwear sucks me in in all the right places and I’ve blow dried my hair into a short but sleek ponytail because it is getting longer and I know Colin likes it back off my face. I’m kind of uncomfortable and on edge but I’m making the effort and that in itself feels strangely right. I’m doing the right thing. I want him to desire me, of course I do, but I wish I could desire him back. I think of Corina’s call after she’d left my office.
‘Hey, it’s me again. I was thinking: OK, sex is a funny one … sometimes we need a little … well, assistance with it. Would you not think of watching a sexy video with Colin? Do what I said, buy the underwear: it will make you feel sexy and then suggest a little blue movie. He’s a man, he will love the idea and it might just turn you on a bit more so that sex with Colin is good.’
I was blushing from head to toe on the other end of the phone. I’m not one to discuss my sex life, never have been, even with Corina who on the other hand is more open than that Dr Ruth.
‘Will you try that for me?’ she panted as she walked to her next appointment.
‘He tried that the other night, showed me some horrible porno, a really young-looking girl; I couldn’t stop thinking of Jade. I was really uncomfortable with it …’ I shook my head to remove the image.
‘So you choose something, something that you like.’
‘I will try, OK … and I do appreciate your friendship, I know I must be a pain in the hole right now.’
‘Ah, stop, it’s life, Ali, it throws curveballs. But you need to be sure you can catch it or else duck, ya know? I might not have the greatest body in the world, or have the face of Cara Delevingne, but I make the best of what I’ve got. Man, the gear I got online to wear the first night with Trevor, it was top-notch sexy! I felt top-notch sexy in it! That’s my point, I think.’
‘I’m walking too, off to the Arts Council offices on Merrion Square, let’s walk and talk?’ I had said and we’d had a great chat on the phone and arranged to meet up next week for coffee and lemon cheesecake at the Pepper Palace when I was back from Amsterdam.
Kicking off the already uncomfortable heels, I leave them by my side of the bed. I grab my polka-dot robe and pull it around me. Tying the belt tight, I flick off all the lights upstairs, saving energy, and head down.
Mother is singing about how she knows best as I slide onto the sofa beside Colin. He isn’t watching with them, he’s on his iPad. I see the red, white and black colours of Manchester United’s website. I wish he could watch the film with the kids and be in the moment. Jade doesn’t like it any more, but it’s the only compromise that she and Mark can come to. Colin refuses to get a second TV so I’m faced with their ‘she wants, he wants’ TV arguments day in and day out.
‘Mmmmmm, you smell great.’ He leans in.
‘Shush, Daddy, this is the ’cary bit!’ Mark shuffles back and settles himself between my legs.
‘He’d climb back inside you if he could,’ Colin whispers in my ear.
The knickers are riding up my bottom and I shift on the couch. I could do with another glass of wine I decide, and I push Mark gently up the rug and I excuse myself to get a ‘drink’.
‘Almost bedtime, lads,’ Colin tells them.
I open the kitchen door and I audibly sigh. It’s in bits. The leftover pizza box and dinner dishes are still uncleared from the table. Dirty plates and glasses piled in the sink. Homework copies and pencil cases scattered all over the place. Sexy momma gotta get her cleaning on. I don’t moan, I just get on with it.
As I hand-wash the last glass and leave it to drip dry, Colin has taken the kids upstairs. It’s late for them on a school night, it’s after nine and they are still hyper. I remove the knickers from my bum with my middle finger, I now feel all sweaty in them and stiff. Colin comes back down.
‘I gave Jade half an hour on the iPad … Oh, I’d have cleared all that up.’ He looks around.
‘It’s fine, I don’t mind,’ I lie through my teeth. Spying the clean but empty colourful lunch boxes on the counter I go to the shelf and remove the wholemeal sliced bread and go about making the lunches. At least the lunch boxes have been emptied and washed. Colin seems satisfied with that as he sits at the table.
‘Maia thought you looked really well today, by the way.’ He wipes crumbs with his cupped hand and scoops them onto the floor. He gets up and gets the sweeping brush from beside the pedal bin. As he sweeps I say, ‘I so didn’t look well today, I hate rushing out the door, my make-up was crap and I felt wrecked all day … but totally my fault!’ I add quickly.
‘Are you all set for Friday, the business trip?’ I swing my head to him but he’s concentrating on a piece of dirt on the floor. He is barefoot now.
‘I am – I’m looking forward to it actually.’
Honesty.
‘Are you? Can’t say I ever look forward to business trips away.’ He rests his finger in his dimple looking at me.
Be nice, Ali.
‘Mmmmm,’ is all I say. The charcoal clouds are gathering. A storm is brewing.
‘Ali, I’m glad you like your job, I really am …’ He props himself up, leaning on the sweeping brush. ‘But I will be honest, I would prefer if you were here for the children after school every day. I can’t help how I feel. That’s just me.’
‘That’s so unfair, Colin.’ I put the butter knife down. ‘I am doing my best.’ I scratch my head.
‘I’m not saying you’re not, at all … I just want you to understand where I’m coming from. When we agreed to have children, it was my understanding that you were going to look after them.’
My breath releases on a high note.
‘I do look after them! What is that supposed to mean?’ My heart rate is speeding up. Adrenalin activated.
‘Calm down, I thought we were going to talk … this is called an adult conversation, stay with me.’ He lowers his voice and replaces the brush beside the bin. Bending, he gets the dustpan and small brush and picks up the dirt.
He is so patronising. I turn back to my bread.
He walks over and stands beside me.
‘How nice was that? A family meal and be honest?’
‘It was lovely … but it took the effort of you getting home early also … also I do eat with them every night, you know?’
He holds his hand up in front of my face.
‘I get that, don’t be nitpicking …’ He wags his finger at me now. ‘I try my best to get home for dinner every night, sometimes I’m just not able, but I’m talking about weekends too.’
‘A-ha, you don’t like me going to lunch on a Sunday with Corina.’
‘I think it’s selfish, Ali.’ He shrugs his shoulders. Nonchalant.
‘But I work all week, like a dog – both with the kids, the house and in my job!’ I’m losing it now.
‘A job, Ali, is supposed to bring money in, your job doesn’t do that. All it does is pay for a stranger, who, after seeing her this evening wrecked out of her brain, is definitely far too old and incapable to watch our kids after school … I’m not sure how you think that’s OK? Don’t yell, that’s all I want to say.’
I slide the butter knife through the softened butter and scrape it onto the bread. His words ring out in my ears. I’m making holes in the bread I’m so heavy-handed with the knife.
‘I love my kids more than anything in the world … more than you …’ I whisper to the bread.
He leans against the fridge door. He didn’t hear me. I continue.
‘I love my job, I love getting out of the house all day, I love watching work being created, dance, theatre, art, whatever. I love working with the inner-city community … with the elderly and the disadvantaged kids …’ I am trying desperately to explain myself once again.
‘Or, you could be watching your own kids growing up.’ He gives back.
‘I am watching them growing up, what are you saying?’ I grip the knife so tightly now my knuckles are protruding from under my tight white skin.
‘Well, aren’t they disadvantaged too by not having their mother here after school?’
‘Oh, please, Colin …’
He interrupts me. ‘And aren’t you missing Jade’s gymnastics show this week?’ He straightens his back against the fridge, pulling the zipper on his tracksuit top up to the neck and back down again.
‘Yeah, I am … God, how will life go on, Colin?’ I slam the butter knife down now. Holes in the bread. Holes in the marriage.
‘I’m just pointing out that I think family should come before “the arts”, that’s all.’ He uses quotation signs with his fingers as he say The Arts.
So I’m supposed to hop into bed with this guy and ride him sideways in half an hour. I can’t stand being in the same room, I can’t hold back any longer. I have to tell him.
‘I don’t fancy you any more, Colin.’ My words release on a shaky breath.
He is standing over me now, fridge rocking slightly from where he has pushed his body off it.
‘What?’ his voice croaks.
The sweeping brush falls over with a bang onto the grey slate tiled floor. I go on.
‘You want us to have an adult conversation, well, there you have it. I … I don’t know why … I just don’t.’ My lip quivers. I can never take this back and I can’t believe I have started this conversation with the children in the next room.
‘You sure you’re just not frigid, Ali, because it’s been some time since I ever imagined that you fancied me. That’s not breaking news, love!’ His baby-blue eyes are blazing in temper. Colin is very angry now.
I need to make sense of what I am saying. I grab his Adidas tracksuit top in my fist, twist the material and in hushed tone, I say, ‘I want to fancy you … I want to desire you … I can I think, if you would just stop … just stop … talking.’
It’s ridiculous. My reasoning is ridiculous. I stare at the missing Cherry Bomb. It’s like me, neither here nor there.
‘Stop talking? Have you lost your fucking mind?’ He grabs my hand roughly and pulls his tracksuit top free from my vice-like grip.
‘Stop irritating me, I mean … here, look!’ I pull open the belt on my polka-dot gown and hold it wide open. His eyes widen.
‘I bought this for you … for us … for tonight … and after the pizza and your help, I was so keen to try and get us back … but then you say the shit you just said about me as a mother and my job and frankly, Colin … I hate you right now …’ I do. I really do.
‘Well, I hate you back, you stupid fucking bitch!’ he screams at me, white spittle escaping and landing in my face.
‘Dad!’ Jade is at the doorway. ‘I heard a crash … I’m – I’m … sorry …’ She turns, runs down the hall.
My hands fly over my mouth and I go to move.
‘Happy now? Leave her! We aren’t finished … Has this lack of desire for your husband anything to do with your little fancy artist gobshite pal?’
‘Where’s Jade gone? Why are you fighting again? I hate when you always fight.’ Mark rubs his eyes at the kitchen door now, his bottom lip covering his top. His little chin wobbling.
‘Answer me!’ Colin shouts into my face again, flecks of spittle all gathered at the sides of his mouth.
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ I move away towards Mark and usher him back inside whispering nothings into his ear. I close the door.
‘Because all this shit started when he joined that fucking spastic zoo.’ His face is blood-red with temper.
This can’t be happening, my beautiful eleven-year-old and tiny five-year-old cannot be subjected to this. I hate myself so much. I need to stop it. Now.
‘Sorry … I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Please stop screaming. Listen, it’s me, I dunno … maybe it is hormonal, maybe … I’ll get checked out by the GP …’ I’m begging with every part of my being.
‘Maybe you need a shrink!’ He moves to the table and pours more red wine from the bottle into my half-full glass.
‘You need to cop on to yourself or you are gonna be sorry.’ He holds back his floppy hair from his eyes.
‘Meaning?’
‘Meaning … I’m watching you.’ He necks the glass of red before continuing. ‘I tried hard this evening because I thought after lunch today that was what you wanted,’ he says now.
‘It is and I do.’ But it isn’t and I don’t. The children. I lower my voice.
‘But I do this every day and night, Colin. Every day I do the school stuff and every night I collect them and I make their dinners, and I do the homework and I watch a movie with them … You ordered a pizza, and it was lovely, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not giving up my job, Colin, because you ordered a pizza mid-week, why should I?’
‘Did you not listen to one word I just said? Because you are a mother first and foremost, I know your own mother was a workaholic—’
I jump in.
‘How dare you! My mother worked to keep a roof over my head and food on the table and made sure I got a good education!’
‘And look at her now swanning, around India, not paying a blind bit of notice to her two grandchildren,’ he scorns.
‘She doesn’t have to … and she always talks to them on the phone. She has her own life to lead, she’s reared her child. She has no interest in raising her grandchildren and that’s her perogative!’ I am shouting now.
He is on top of me now and grabs my arm, not too tightly but I’m alarmed slightly at the colour in his face he has paled now completely.
‘I don’t know why you are trying to break us up, but you are – and if you keep this up, I swear to God you’ll be sorry.’
‘Is that another threat?’ I gulp.
‘It’s not, it’s me telling you to cop the fuck on … I’ll do couples’ counselling or whatever it is we need. I didn’t come from a broken home like you and my kids won’t either. Now go and flit around Amsterdam with your arty pals, look at blobs on a wall, or people throwing shapes in a dark alley, look at old rocks and ooh and ahhh over them, whatever. But you better come back to your real life with a different attitude.’
‘That doesn’t make any sense, my attitude is fine. You want me to give up my job and I won’t.’ I dig my heels in. They won’t be seeing the Red or Dead black patent high heels again tonight obviously.
‘You know what, Ali?’ He is looking me up and down now, like I’m piece of shit on his good shoe.
‘What?’
‘I don’t know who you are any more.’
I throw my eyes up to the ceiling.
‘I’m going up to see our daughter.’
‘Please, Colin … Can I go, please?’ I am clasping my hands together, prayer like, begging him.
‘No. You better get packed, aren’t you leaving early.’ He walks out of the kitchen and shuts the door. I hear him take Mark up from the front room.
I haven’t smoked since I found out I was pregnant with Jade but right now I want a cigarette so badly. I want to scream. I neck some wine from the bottle and grab my phone from my bag under the table.
I pull out the chair and pour the rest of the bottle into Colin’s glass.
With shaking fingers I open Facebook and message Corina.
Just told Colin I didn’t fancy him any more. Send.
The little bubble with the dots appears. She is active and reading.
Oh shit. Are you OK?
No. Send.
What can I do?
Nothing. Send.
Are you still going in the morning?
Yes. Send.
Will I call you?
No. He will be listening. He’s upstairs. The kids heard all the fighting again, I feel so terrible. Send. I choke back the burning tears as I type.
As I type my phone lights up.
A Facebook Messenger message from Owen O’Neill.
I open it.
Three words.
I have to scroll down.
Adjoining rooms baby.
He has added a .gif of the famous restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I message Corina back that I’m going to bed, I will call her from the airport in the morning. I stare at the Facebook message from Owen. Then I do something absolutely insane. I stand up slowly on the kitchen chair. When I have control on my balance I hold the phone in my right hand, extending it out as far and as high up as I possibly can. I unwrap my polka-dot robe and let it slide to the grey slate kitchen floor. Then I take a selfie of me in the sexy underwear and I send it to Owen.