WHEN Rhodes came in from watering the stock late Sunday afternoon, Will was there.
The house was silent and somehow Will was the last person Rhodes expected to see. The doctor and Rosanne were upstairs with his mother, and Grandpa was huddled before the front room fire.
He stepped into the kitchen and Will was standing beside the stove with a cup of coffee held in both hands.
Will turned and grinned. He said, “Hello, boy.”
For a moment Rhodes could not speak. It was more than surprise at seeing Will back. Last night he’d slept fitfully, dreaming of his mother’s dying, and Will being killed by government men when he was caught with Swamp Taylor’s bootleg shine.
Perhaps he had decided that Will would never come back. But it was not just his being here that made Rhodes speechless. It was the way Will looked.
He looked as if he’d been dragged feet first through hell.
His beard was two days old, rough and matted. His hair stood wild on his head. His clothes looked as if they’d been soaked and were still damp. They were streaked and caked with mud, and mud was covering his shoes and trousers.
His smile was weak and tired. He stood there letting the steam from the hot coffee warm his face. His whole body shivered.
“Will,” Rhodes said. “You better get into some warm clothes.”
Will nodded. “Yes, boy. All right. I’ll go in the downstairs bathroom. You bring me something to wear. I’ll get a hot bath and a shave before I see — anybody.”
The bathroom was steaming when Rhodes carried Will’s fresh clothing into it. Will got out of the tub and rubbed vigorously with a rough towel. He started to dress.
“Your Ma get away to Jacksonville all right, boy?”
“She didn’t go.”
“She didn’t go? Why not?”
“She had a bad day — yesterday. I tried to find you. I couldn’t. The doctor said he would wait before he took Ma to Jacksonville. He wanted to talk to you first.”
Will’s face looked haggard. “I’m sorry boy. Looks like no matter what I try to do — I mess up everything.”
“That’s not true, Will. I knew you had to get some money somehow.”
Will laughed and patted Rhodes’ shoulder. “And I got it, boy. Something I said I’d never do, and — ” he shivered, “I pray God I don’t have to go through it again … But by holy God, I got us enough money to get through.”
“You-didn’t get hurt, Will … They didn’t catch you?”
“I’m here, boy. I made the delivery. All the way across the state. In one of Swamp’s trucks. I had some trouble getting back.” He shivered, shook his head. “I’m here … what did Darl Hollister do when he found out that check I gave him wasn’t any good?”
“Nothing, Will. He hasn’t been here. I kept waitin’ for him. But we haven’t heard from him at all.”
Will finished dressing, stroked his fingers along his newly shaven cheeks. “I better go see that doctor. We can still get your Ma over to Jacksonville tonight.”
“He’s up in her room, Will.” Rhodes followed him from the bathroom. They went down the hall. “Will — ” Rhodes wanted to tell him what Lena had said to the sheriff. Will had to be told.
“Later, boy. I better see that doctor and find out why in hell he never took Lena to Jacksonville like he said he was going to do.”
Dr. Beckwell met Will at the head of the stairs.
“Will,” he said. “You picked a hellish time to stay away from home.”
“Never mind me,” Will said. “Why didn’t you take Lena over there to Jacksonville in that ambulance like you said you were going to? Wasn’t my check any good?”
“The check cleared Will. It wasn’t that.”
“Wasn’t it enough money? It was all I had. More than I had.” His laugh was sharp. “You mean even that wasn’t enough.”
“I told you it wasn’t the money, Will.”
Will drew a deep breath. “All right, Doc. What is it?”
“Dr. Beckwell glanced toward Rhodes. Will put his arm about Rhodes’ shoulder and drew him against his side.
“What is it, Doc?”
The doctor breathed heavily. “It’s the worst, Will. There’s no way to soften it. There’s nothing I can do. It — it has gone too far this time. An operation would be futile. Your wife — is going to die. I thought several times that she would die — during the night, all day. You better go in to see her now.”
Rhodes caught back the sob that welled in his throat. It was like an animal cry of pain. Will tightened his hand on Rhodes’ shoulder.
“Come with me, boy,” the doctor said. He put his arm about Rhodes and started down the steps. “Come downstairs with me.”
Rhodes looked back over his shoulder once. Will was standing there, staring at the floor. He had not moved.
• • •
Will closed the door. In the room was the smell of death. Lena lay in the middle of the bed, like a shadow lost in darker shadows. Her hands were at her sides and they were still.
He went slowly across the room to the side of the bed. He stood there, looking down at her. He did not speak.
At last Lena opened her eyes.
“Will.”
Before he could speak, he saw the fright move into her eyes. She tried to withdraw into the bed.
“Will … I know you hate me, Will.”
“No. Why would I hate you?”
“For what I’ve done to you.”
“You haven’t done anything to me, Lena.”
“Yes. Oh, yes, I have. You don’t have to be nice any more, Will. You don’t have to spare me any more. You don’t have to say things you don’t mean.”
“I just want you to get well, Lena.”
“No. I know. I’ve known for a long time now. They never did get it all, Will. The — doctors — they’re not that smart. They tell you — they are. But they know better. It kept growing — no matter what they did. It got ahead of them — it got too far ahead of them. They never kept me alive, Will — you did. Always you did. Because I loved you so much — even when you never loved me at all.”
“Don’t talk.”
“I’ve got to talk. It’s what I’ve waited for. You — were gone so long. Remember when you’d go away, Will, after we’d been married a while? I knew. Then I knew. I wasn’t what you wanted. I — I couldn’t satisfy you. I couldn’t give you what you wanted. It killed me, Will. It ate me up inside. No matter what I did — I didn’t excite you … you didn’t want me. And you’d go away — and I’d wait for you to come back, and — I hated you — and the hate ate me away inside. It was that, Will — it doesn’t matter what the doctors say. They don’t know why I’m still alive — so how would they know what is really killing me.”
He sank down beside the bed. “I won’t try to lie, Lena. I’ve never been a good man. I — I’ve just done what I could. I — always wanted to be better. It just seemed there was something in me — I was what I was — not matter how hard I tried.”
“You’ve been good, Will. Better to me ever than I was to you. But — it wasn’t enough. You — didn’t want my love — and I — I didn’t want your goodness. If you’d beat me, Will. If you’d done anything — and loved me — I wouldn’t have been so full of hate … and now — now when it’s too late, I want you to forgive me, Will. I want you to know that — I’ve always loved you — even when I hurt you most, it was because I loved you — and you — didn’t love back. So that’s why I did it, Will. You got to know, Will. That’s why I did it.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, yes. You do. About Tom. Why you killed him. I lied to them, but I made them believe my lies…. I had to — I — I’d rather see you in the — chain gang — than with some other woman after all the — hell I lived through.”
Will stood there, looking down at her. She stared up at him. Her stark eyes filled with tears.
“Poor Will,” she whispered. “You — you’ll just never know how terribly I loved you …”