Chapter Ten

 

An hour later, smelling less like sex and ocean and sadness, and more like lilacs blooming on a spring day, I knocked on Eric’s door. Gone was the darkness, his eyes twinkled at the sight of me decked out in a maxi dress, and I was grateful for the emerging smile and the way he bent down and lifted my hand, delicately kissing my knuckles.

He helped me into his car, and we drove off, taking the winding road south to another bay. I kept my window rolled down and let the fresh air smack me in the face since the switchbacks he drove at a high speed made me nauseous.

Birch Bay Burgers was perched on a rocky outcropping complete with a 300-degree view of the Pacific. It was on the fancier end of places to eat, given its isolated location, but in the grand scheme of things, it was still a burger joint.

Our server sat us beside a railing, where along with the amazing panoramic view, we also had a symphony of waves crashing against the rocks beneath us. In the far southernly distance, a storm battled as flickers of light danced along the horizon. The air was also a little chillier, so I was grateful I’d brought a sweater, and I pulled it tighter around my shoulders.

“Thank you for this afternoon. I couldn’t have had a better day,” I started out saying, after taking a sip of water. Aside from cheap small talk and one-word answers to my questions, there hadn’t been much conversation on the way here.

“Yeah, the waves were perfect.”

A low rumble of thunder sounded in the distance.

I swallowed down the bitter taste of bile rapidly forming in the back of my throat. “Eric, have I done something wrong?”

Finally, he focused on me. “No. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, you just seem… Distant.” Like you got what you needed from me and you’re ready to toss me in the garbage.

He puffed out his chest but turned to view the surf smacking the rocks. “Can I be honest with you?”

Rising bitterness bubbled in my gut. “I hope you will be. I need that.” Oh, how I needed people to be honest with me, rather than whisper behind my back.

“I’m very confused.”

I wrung my hands together on my lap. A part of me was confused as well since I couldn’t pin down Eric and his flipping emotions. “What about?”

“About you and about me.” The breeze floated by and rippled the collar of his unbuttoned shirt as he lowered his chin.

A gust of air sailed out from the depths of my lungs. “I’m not sure I follow.”

“You said you didn’t want anything from me, and you pushed back against my advances, and yet today, you kissed me, and we had the best sex ever multiple times.”

Although he kept his voice low enough for only me to hear, I still couldn’t help myself, and I searched out the nearby patrons to see if anyone overheard. If they did, they didn’t act like it.

“What’s happening between us… it’s complicated.”

“I can uncomplicate it. Real quick.”

The finality in his tone worried me and raised alarms that I had been right in my quick assumption. Eric knew I was an easy score back in the day, and now that he got it, he was through with me. He’d taken some time to do it, but he’d cracked my defenses and entered my heart. And now, he was confused? What was there to be confused about?

I tipped my head and pressed into the back of my chair, unsure of which direction was the best one to take. “I like you; I really do. I think you’re a very sweet guy.”

And it was more than that, but I wasn’t ready to completely voice anything more. An overwhelming feeling of being dumped by a guy I wasn’t even going out with threatened to undo the last vestiges of my strength.

“And here comes the giant but.”

“Not at all.” My foot nervously tapped against the table pedestal. “The thing is…” No matter how I wanted to continue the sentence, there was going to be a but or a however. Damn, I hated when a guy was right. “The thing is…” I sighed again because it hit me, like a bolt of lightning.

Eric hadn’t used me - I’d been the one doing the using. He satisfied my itch, just like the others had done when I was fifteen. Only this time, instead of being only momentarily hurt by their rejection, I was feeling it on a whole other level because… I inhaled sharply. Somewhere along the lines, I’d developed feelings for Eric, which wasn’t at all fair to him. I was a package deal, baby and all, and he didn’t need that.

“I’m only here for the summer, and I’m not even sure if I’m going to be here that long. Coming back to Cheshire Bay was to clear my system and redo the old beach house. Make it ready to rent out to someone else. I knew when I arrived, my being here wasn’t a permanent thing.” There I said it. “Besides, everywhere I go, people still talk.”

Yes, there had been a momentary reprieve when a celebrity appeared in town, but after that, the gossip was still there. The dirty looks, the whispers. It was getting old.

“It’s a small town.”

“With small town mentality. They’ll never forgive me, and they definitely will never forget.”

“Lily, you painted over the town’s name and made a fool out of yourself.”

Not one of my finest moments, but in the end, I owned up to it and spent the next two days scrubbing the paint off.

“Most kids go through a rebellion of sorts, but you, it was like you were out for blood. You were…” He paused and leaned in closer. “An absolute lunatic. And no one can forget that.”

I hung my head as the town proved just how much they hadn’t forgotten over the past few weeks.

Eric kept going. “At the height of your past, there was Jordan. One of us. Who died.” He didn’t need to follow it up with because of you.

A knife to my heart, it twisted and carved, breaking me in a way I’d never dealt with. Just thinking about that incident soured my stomach.

“I’m very much aware, but I didn’t kill him.”

Wicka was a small island in the northern bay. You needed a boat to drive to the far side, and I had managed to find a group of guys willing to take me. After a few drinks, and a couple of doobies, I accepted a dare, and then a double dare from the guy I’d just screwed. Without hesitation, I climbed up to the top of a cliff, with Jordan licking my heels. We both stood at the top breathless, staring down at the dark water while the seven friends chanted below. Then we jumped.

I was fearless back then, and completely foolish and naïve. And also lucky. Damn lucky. I survived the jump, having not checked for any jagged ridges of rocks hidden deep under the water.

Unfortunately for Jordan, who was easily double my weight, lady luck was not with him. He died instantly when he cracked into the ridge, a rock slicing him open from pelvis to chest. He bled out before we found him.

Rumours circulated that it was my fault, and had I not jumped in the first place, the kid wouldn’t have jumped either. After that, at least until I stopped coming around, the area was put under patrol. There wasn’t much danger in anyone going back anyway. No one wanted to be around Jordan’s ghost.

Understandably, it put a total damper on the end of summer festivities and parents were strongly encouraged to keep a better eye on their kids, which meant I wasn’t allowed out of eyesight. Until those eyes couldn’t stay awake anymore, then I was a free bird.

Looking back on my time, I wasn’t a great person. I wasn’t even a good person.

It hurt how Eric brought it up, how he sat there immune to the turmoil raging inside of me.

My voice cracked, and I pleaded with all I had in me. “I didn’t force Jordan to jump. For crying out loud, it was a dare. He didn’t have to take it.” A fresh set of tears blurred my vision. “But you know what, I’ve paid for that mistake over and over again, even though I had nothing to do with it.”

A tampered down rage was building inside of me. “My dad was forced out of town, maybe not in a physical sense, but in a mental one. No one wanted to help him with any projects, his business here derailed, and he had to deal with a rebellious teenager who wanted nothing more than to be loved, and who hunted for alternate ways of getting that need met.”

I’d found a way to get it too. It was always with the guy who showed me the most affection, and after we’d had a quick fix, we’d share a doobie around a campfire, and he’d ignore me having gotten what he needed. You’d think I would’ve learned. But no. It went on that whole summer, until Jordan jumped. Then I had no one.

I stared across the small table at the man before me. Even twelve years later, what happened? I had sex with the guy who lavished his attention on me, and same thing happened. He was pushing me away now that he’d had his fix and reminding me of everything I did wrong. All this time, I’d thought Eric was different.

Instead of saying anything, he leaned back in his chair and surveyed the change in the atmosphere. The air was getting thick with humidity from the approaching storm, and there was a chill breezing over my way.

I leaned back and crossed my legs, keeping my back to the others in the restaurant, debating if I should stay or leave. Leaving was the easy way out but staying with someone who believed the worst about me wasn’t really a better option, especially when I played right into his goal.

Lure her in with sweetness, have some mind-blowing sex, and ditch the bitch.

For a while, I believed I was special, and for a time, I’d considered staying in Cheshire Bay and seeing what could become of us.

How stupid and foolish I had been to hope there would ever be anything more, even if deep down it was all a pipe dream.

“Listen.” I inhaled and crossed my arms over my chest. Everything inside was hurting, and my heart was breaking in pieces. “That summer was the worst one of my life, and if I could change it, I would in a heartbeat. I did a lot of dreadful things, and I wasn’t a great friend. I wasn’t even a good person.”

I searched his eyes which were locked on me. At least he was listening.

“But I’m not that same person. Not completely. I still want the same things – to be loved and to be accepted, and I’m definitely not going to ever find that here.”

My best bet was to sell the house, and like Beth said, tuck my tail between my legs and come home. Oh, how right she’d been. It had been a giant mistake coming back.

“I’m sorry, Eric. I’m sorry you knew me back then, and I’m sorry you can’t see that I’ve changed.” I rummaged through my purse and pulled out some cash, dropping it on the table as I rose.

“Lily, wait…”

Tears fell down my face. “I’m sorry.”

He turned his head away.

I hailed an uber, and on the way back to my place, I texted Beth. “It’s on.”