Chapter Eight

 

I twisted in my seat, giving my full attention to the handsome man across from me. “You see, the thing is, back when I was a teenager, Lily was in full rebellion…”

“Yes, I remember you saying how wild she was, and how your dad had to stop watching her to take care of your mom.”

“That’s right.” I pulled the blanket up higher, even though I wasn’t cold. The patio heater above was raining down plenty of warmth. “Well, Mom always loved Christmas. Like she could give you a run for your money with decorating. Our house was lit up from one side of the lawn to the other, and every room had a tree in it, even if it was just a little one. But on Christmas morning, there would be an extra little present under the tree in our room. It was always the same – a special ornament she found that spoke to her in some way.”

Even in the evening glow, it wasn’t hard to miss his smile. “Sounds like your mom and I would’ve had a lot in common.”

“I’m sure you would have.” I ran the tip of my finger absently around the rim of my wine glass as I wondered what it would be like. Had she not died, the Christmas traditions would’ve carried on. “Her final Christmas, she wanted to come here. To the beach house.”

A tiny tear ripped across my heart, recalling the way Dad carried her up the steps and over to the couch. She was so frail; it was too much work to do on her own.

“And as sure as we set foot here, Lily was gone.”

“She needed to seek comfort in her friends?”

I shrugged, having never seen it that way. “Maybe. Or she just couldn’t stand…”

The words wouldn’t come out. It had been hard watching my mother deteriorate, especially in the time leading up to college when we knew the end was coming. She insisted I still go away but in those three short months her health declined rapidly. When Dad mentioned it was important to have one last Christmas in her favourite place ever, I would’ve been a fool to have passed. All these years, I’d always thought Lily had seen it as an invitation to go partying.

“Lily and me shared the upstairs bedroom, and per Mom’s instructions, we still had to have a little tree in there. Dad had brought both Lily and I’s, and we set them up, knowing full well there wasn’t going to be an ornament under the tree, but still, we pretended.” A lump formed in the back of my throat. “Christmas Eve we all gathered around the couch watching her favourite movie ever – It’s A Wonderful Life – when she started gasping for breath.”

Jesse moved his chair closer and innocently reached for my hand, his thumb stroking the top of my knuckles.

“Dad sent Lily, who had, by a stroke of luck, managed to be around for a short spell, to start the car and warm it up, while I called 911 to have them phone ahead to the closest hospital.”

Ambulance service in a small town was pretty much nil, and the nearest hospital was still an hour away.

“After I hung up, I drove to Spirit Bay as fast as I could, while Dad cuddled in the backseat with Mom. Lily sat beside me, texting on her phone like we were going out for pizza or something.” I didn’t mean for my words to be laced with anger, but yet, after all this time, there it was.

Jesse readjusted the blanket on my lap when I pulled my legs tighter.

“Dad’s sobs from the backseat were really hard to ignore, so I broke all the laws racing her to the hospital. But I wasn’t fast enough. When we got there, the doctors and nurses put her on a stretcher, but she was already gone. She’d died in Dad’s embrace.”

Tears trickled down my cheeks, and I was grateful we were sitting in the dark so Jesse wouldn’t notice.

Deep down, Mom died the way she wanted. She hated hospitals and clinics but had always enjoyed being snuggled into her true love’s arms.

I swiped my hand across my face.

“Lily stayed in the waiting room, fingers tapping a mile a minute on her precious phone, while Dad zoned out. It was days before he truly talked again.” I shook my head at the recall.

He was catatonic, unable to eat or drink much.

“The calendar had flipped into a new date by time we got back to the beach house, but no one was in the mood to celebrate Christmas. Dad seemed incapable of making any decisions, so I was completely thrust into charge. We packed our things, and I drove through the night to get us back to our house.”

“You did all that?”

“I had too. We just left the house as it was. Decorations up, food in the fridge, you name it.”

“Wow. I’m so sorry. I really am. It all makes sense now.”

Tears continued down my cheeks. For years, I hadn’t told anyone the events of that night. Charlie knew of course, he was my husband, and I needed him to understand why I didn’t like Christmas, but other than that?

“Thank you. Thank you for being so kind, Jesse.”

The funny thing was the next morning when I woke on Christmas Day from a brief nap after mom’s passing, underneath the tiny tree in my bedroom was a little red box just for me, and to this day I've never opened it. The gift goes with me with each move, always unopened. I have no idea who bought it or who put it underneath the tree, and I never will because I refused to open it. For some reason, I even made sure it was packed in my suitcase for this trip.

Jesse continued to hold my hand, rubbing the top in a slow, lazy pass. “You know what I think you need?” He looked into my eyes with a deep and genuine concern. “I think you need a day of fun and relaxation, to just unwind and not dwell on the past. Something to help put a positive spin on the holiday.”

I shrugged, not knowing what I needed.

“Aside from breakfast with your sister tomorrow, do you have any plans?”

 

# # #

 

I arrived at breakfast at Lily’s the next morning with fresh homemade pastries and cinnamon rolls and other delightful goodies acquired from the local bakery shop. With the box underneath my arm, I rapped my knuckles against Eric’s door.

“Oh, Mo, I'm so glad you made it.” On Lily's hip was her little boy, Henry. Even tucked into his mom, it was clear how much he’d grown since the last time I’d seen him.

“There he is, my handsome little nephew.” I passed the box of goodies over to Eric who stood behind Lily.

Foolishly, I’d hoped Henry would leap into my arms when I extended them, instead he tucked into his mom and hid his face.

“Well, I guess it has been a while.”

“Come on in, and you can meet the gang. Everyone's all here.”

Lily walked down the hall, and I followed closely behind. Christmas music played on the stereo and the decorations seemed to have multiplied since when, two days ago? It was crazy.

In the tiny kitchen stood the guests, some I recognized, and some were brand new.

“Hey, everyone, this is my sister, Mona.”

The guests quickly went around the room introducing themselves.

There was Beth, Lily's best friend from the city, the interior designer who helped renovate our beach home. She took Henry from Lily and snuggled into him, and an ache formed as I tried not to stare at the easy rapport between them. Guess Beth saw Lily more than I did, and I wasn’t sure why that surprised me so much. And hurt too.

There were Cedar and Mitch, each holding a baby. Their five-month-old twins were named Saffron and Ziggy, unique names until I took a good look at Ziggy – his bald little head with a tuft of hair was just like the cartoon character.

Also joining the group, was a blast from the past – Landon Morris. Landon was Eric's big brother; someone I had frequently run into while out hunting for Lily back in the day. Like Eric, he’d undergone the ugly duckling transformation and was a nice-looking man.

He strode over and wrapped me in a hug as if we were old friends. “My goodness, it’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”

I nodded. “Very much so. You look great.”

“Thanks, so do you.” His eyes raked over my body.

“She’s married, bro, knock it off.” Eric clapped his brother on the back and set the box of pastries on the island, opening it to show off the wonderful goodies inside.

“Isn’t Mona great? Bought out Sylvia’s bakery.” My sister smiled and reached for a chocolate turnover at the same time as I did.

Cocking my eyebrow in her direction that at least we still had a few things in common, I had a bite and listened to the others share their stories and laughter, most of which were holiday focused. Conversations revolved around Christmas plans and the general excitement for the impending nuptials tomorrow.

Eric and Lily had set the wedding time for 4pm to say their vows, with a buffet supper to follow, giving the tightly knit group of people time to celebrate the day with family. And all this time I had thought she didn’t care for the festivities.

“How many are coming?” I imagined the guest list wasn’t too big. It was a beach wedding on Christmas Day, after all.

She pulled out a paper from a folder, one with the full run down on the caterers and rentals and timings for everything. I’ll give credit where credit was due, she was uber organized. My wedding day, I was frantic with worry about all the things that could go wrong but with her own wedding, Lily was ready to shrug them off. I envied that ease.

She tapped the list. “With Jesse now coming, thirty-three.”

“Jesse’s coming?” Cedar asked. “That’s great. Maybe he’ll meet someone tomorrow, then he won’t be so lonely.”

Mitch laughed and whipped a cinnamon bun out of the box. “As in meet someone who he doesn’t already know?”

“Well, it could happen. Christmas miracles and all that.” Cedar took a nibble from a muffin. “I’m glad he’s coming. He’s such a great guy.”

I nodded, trying to contain a smile as I couldn’t disagree with her. “I’m staying at his place while our old house gets repaired, and Lily thought it would be a nice thank you to invite him.”

Cedar faced Lily. “What’s wrong with the house?”

“Broken furnace.”

“You should’ve told me. Mona could’ve stayed with us. We have an extra room.”

I licked my lips, enjoying the heavenly taste of fine chocolate. Somehow, with twins, I suspected there would be even less room at her place than there was at my sister’s.

She dismissed the conversation with a wave as the baby in her arms began to wail. “Excuse me, I think she’s hungry.”

Without a care in the world, she walked over to the couch and lifted her top, nursing her baby as if no one were around.

Landon turned his head away and started making small talk with his brother.

Beth made her way over and sat beside Cedar, asking far too many personal questions about the breastfeeding process. She ended with how excited she was to be trying for baby after her upcoming spring wedding.

I was surrounded by babies and happiness, and while I was thrilled for everyone, the green-eyed monster was rearing its ugly head. They all had what I wanted, and it was really hard to not be jealous because it was no longer in the cards for me. No husband, and thanks to an inhospitable uterus, blocked tubes, and the malfunctioning ovaries of a fifty-year woman, not the thirty-three I was, there’d never be any baby either.

The only thing keeping my tongue at bay was the constant biting of it and thinking about all Jesse and I had shared yesterday.

After our honest conversation last evening, a burden had been lifted from my soul that I couldn't explain. When I woke up this morning, I felt a little happier and although it was Christmas Eve, the lingering sadness had softened a touch. Deep down I knew it was because I had opened up and shared with Jesse, and that in itself was a blessing. There was an unexplainable connection to him, an easiness and naturalness.

Jesse said when my time was done with Lily and Eric to come back to the house and we would go out and enjoy some worry-free, Cheshire Bay excitement. When prompted to explain what he had planned, Jesse said it was a surprise. Then he added it would be something fun and hopefully something that would give me a reason to look back on Christmas Eve with a smile rather than sadness.

Until that time came, my focus was around the revolving conversations about the wedding. It was clear Lily and Eric had planned for everything. Based on all the prep and ideas and vision Lily had for her dream day, it sounded like the most beautifully detailed and perfect wedding, and I was ecstatic how she’d chosen the strip of beach where she’d spend her summers, rather than the standard church, like I had.

More talk about the wedding, and the more I pictured my own second wedding, perhaps someday, maybe. My wedding to Charlie had been a big, big deal. We booked the biggest church in town and filled it with over 250 guests. We rented the largest ballroom downtown and had the best caterers. Our wedding cake was four tiers tall with stairs off to the side, landing on another layer of cake. I suppose in hindsight, the massive production was completely unnecessary. If I had to do it over again, I would do exactly what Lily was doing— a beach wedding was absolutely perfect, and truly, it suited her.

The box of pastries disappeared, the coffee pot had been refilled twice, but everyone was confident in their roles in the wedding. Basically, all we had to do was show up and smile. Everything else would ebb and flow like the waves on the beach.

As Eric put it, “Just enjoy the show.”

There wasn’t anything else to do really. Beth was the Maid of Honour and Mitch the Best Man, and they’d need to sign a couple of things, but other than that, it was planned to be a stress-free day. Definitely a different way to spend the holiday, but maybe that would be okay too.

The small group broke up, and Lily walked me to the front door as much as I enjoyed the company, I was anxious to leave. It was a constant reminder of all I’d lost, and try as I did, jealousy wasn’t a colour I wanted anyone to see me wearing.

“You know, you are more than welcome to hang out with us today.” She leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed over her chest, a sweet expression on her face. “We’ll have some Christmas cheer and wait for the fat man to dance his way down the chimney.”

I rolled my eyes as my arms pushed into the sleeves of my jacket.

“It doesn't need to be all doom and gloom.”

I inhaled sharply and looked beyond her to confirm we were alone. “I am not all doom and gloom.”

“Mo, I watched you staring at Cedar as she nursed.”

“Yeah, well.” My face burned from the rapid induction of heat and I stepped outside, hoping the cool air would work its way across my cheeks.

“It’ll happen for you. You and Charlie, you’re the perfect couple. It’s meant to happen.” She brushed her fingers through her blonde tresses. “You’ll get pregnant soon.”

If she only knew. My mouth opened, and I wanted the words to fall out, but something blocked them from exiting.

“I’m trying to change this holiday, Mo. Make it better, you know.”

Slowly, I backed up to the edge of the landing and put my foot down on the first stair, unable to form coherent sentences.

“I miss her too.”

I searched my sister’s face, looking for any hint of truth in her words. With Lily, she’d never held back, and the earnestness was evident in her voice. Mine, however, laid open raw and exposed. “Do you? Do you really?”

She shrugged and the weight of the world sagged her shoulders. “Some of us chose to move on with our lives, and not let it be the major factor in deciding what to do or how to celebrate. Mom wouldn't want you moping and whining this way. Mom would want you out there living your best life, and you know it to be true.”

I half expected her to walk back in the house and slam the door, instead, she stood there with an empathetic grin on her face; maybe becoming a mother herself totally changed her outlook on life. My chin tucked into my chest as my hair fell like curtains on my cheeks. I had no response.

Instead of giving her a witty comeback, or smart assed come back, I simply nodded until the right words formed. “Maybe you’re right.”

“I love you, Mona.”

“And I love you too, Lily.” I stepped off the stairs and stood on the sidewalk looking up my little sister.

There was so much I wanted to tell her, so much I wanted to explain, but this wasn't the place, so with a quick little wave I took off and headed back to Jesse's.