Chapter One

 

Suicide wasn’t the answer, and hindsight was always 20/20.

I knew this to be the truth, but in the present moment, giving a giant fuck-you to the people I thought were my friends and running away made me feel better. Made me feel like I had control.

Naturally, it was all an illusion.

I had control over nothing.

No one cared what I did with my life, where I went, or how I destroyed everything in my wake. My future, if I wanted a fresh start, beckoned me with the promise of something new. All I had to do was survive the flight there. It was now or never.

A voice crackled over the loudspeaker. “Final boarding call for Air Canada flight 127, bound for Vancouver.”

Fuck it.

There was no time like the present.

“Just wait,” I yelled to no one, as I pushed through a thick crowd of people.

The urge to take the reins and live the life I wanted – or at least try to – consumed me, propelling me down the lengthy corridors to the gate at the end. There was no way I was missing this flight. Too much was on the line if I had to watch the plane pull away and deal with everything I’d left in the aftermath of my disastrous failure of a life.

I increased my speed and threw my arm through the other strap of my backpack, pulling tight to stop it from slamming against my back with each bouncy step.

I ran double time, rudely and apologetically pushing the people I was unable to avoid out of my way and screeched to a halt in front of the desired gate.

“Wait, please.” Breathlessly, I waved my boarding pass to the flight attendant at the desk.

“I need to see ID.” She clicked on the computer without a glance.

Beyond the window, the plane sat still attached to the jetway, the spotlight on her nose highlighting the blanket of darkness surrounding it. Thank goodness it hadn’t left yet. The potential for a brand new start still lie ahead.

I rooted through the Coach knockoff I discovered in the bottom of a bargain bin at Goodwill, and pulled out my temporarily invalid driver’s license, presenting it with my boarding pass. As I struggled to catch my breath, I swiped my forehead with the back of my hand.

“Seat 34A.” She handed back my effects. “Have a safe flight, Iris.”

Cringing at the sound of my birth name, since I’d long used a nickname, I slouched as I struggled to regulate my breathing while I walked down the jetway. Damn, I was truly out of shape. The crisp August midnight air mixed with a touch of something unfamiliar; the scent of it getting stronger upon approach.

My legs suddenly froze at the sight of the heavy metal door resting off to the side of the mighty jet, ready to seal my fate. Once that door closed, there was no turning back. My new beginning was just a mere five feet in front of me.

Could I really do it?

All I had to do was step on the plane.

Whether to appease the building ache or to remind myself I wasn’t important and had never been, I glanced over my shoulder to the stretched emptiness behind me for one more final check. No one aside from the flight attendant who’d just scanned my boarding pass was in view.

“Come on in, we’re just getting ready for departure.” Another airline worker, with a nametag bearing Wendy, waved in a rush.

My hand shook as I held out the boarding pass, but thankfully, the length of the sleeve kept my tiger stripes from view, although she did stare at my hand longer than I thought was necessary.

“You just made it,” she said with a smile as her hand touched my shoulder. Her head bobbed as she attempted to read the shaking seat assignment, until she grabbed the paper firmly. “You’re at the back, on the right. Window seat.”

A cold sweat washed over me as I left the unsteady jetway and put my foot onto the sturdy floor of the interior of the plane. Passing through the high-priced business class, the passengers glared while I shuffled by their seats, as if I were keeping them from their destinations. But I hadn’t. I’d arrived just on time. Just. The flight wasn’t scheduled to depart for another three minutes.

I stepped beyond the elite seats, into economy where the seats were crammed together, but where most of the passengers sent less than a cursory glance in my direction. Despite the late hour departure, the flight was nearly packed.

The sign above the first section of tightly packed seats indicated row 14. Clearly, at row 34, I was at the far back of the plane, and I shifted my backpack as I inched, reminding myself to breath as I moved towards my escape.

The seconds to change my mind were ticking loudly.

Another flight attendant advanced up the aisle. “Seat?”

“34A.” My voice was as jittery as my legs were weak.

This was going to be a long six-hour flight across the country to my first stop in Vancouver. After a small layover and another short flight, I’d land in Victoria to spend a few hours until my cousin’s friend would arrive and fly me over to Cheshire Bay.

My new residence. No more living in my car.

My cousin Amber offered me temporary shelter and solace. It was the break I needed to start fresh.

The flight attendant walked backwards and pointed to the vacant window seat.

Just my luck, I was sharing the space with a guy about my age, and a decently cute one to boot.

“You can store your bags overtop, or under the seat in front of you.” The flight attendant pointed to both areas.

“In front of me is better.”

My seat mate twisted his legs off into the aisle, allowing me to squeeze into the tiny space I’d paid big bucks for. Dropping into my seat, I didn’t miss his cocked eyebrow, followed by a narrowed gaze as he tipped his head questioningly to the side.

What was his problem?

Avoiding eye contact, I tore my focus inward and begged my heartrate and breathing to slow down to acceptable levels. My heart pounded incessantly, not from the running, but from the rapidly fraying thread I believed was my future.

Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure I wanted the unknown. Even though things were a disaster, everything was familiar. The places, the day to day, the heartache of epic loneliness.

The growing ache switched from a dull pang to weak painful stabs, focused solely on my heart. Was this the end? Was this how I was going to die? From soul-crunching loneliness? At least my original plan gave me a false sense of control over when and how. But this?

It was too much, and I unbuckled, ready to get off. “I’m sorry, I need to go.”

The plane rocked, and I threw my gaze out the window to see what the hell was going on. We were leaving; the plane was moving backwards. It seemed the now portion of now or never had arrived. No turning back.

“Fuck my life.” I whispered as the tears welled up and blurred my view.

My head knocked against the head rest, shifting my messy bun, and I closed my eyes, unable to stop the wave of forthcoming tears.

Voices spoke overhead, pointing out exits and floatation devices, most of which I didn’t understand. All I truly heard was cabin crew doors flight position and cross-check, please.

That’s it, the doors were sealed, and my breath hitched for all that it meant.

“Hey, miss?”

I wiped a damp eye with the edge of my ragged sweatshirt leaving a streak of black from the mascara on the cuff, and I turned to the cute guy, not giving a rat’s ass if he saw me in a cringe-worthy condition. I didn’t know him, and I most certainly wasn’t here for his entertainment. “Yeah?”

“Everything okay?”

“Just frickin’ peachy.” The words rolled out lacking confidence but ripe with sarcasm.

Truth of the matter - I was a total mess. My stomach was in knots, and I truly felt like I was having an out of body experience, hovering and staring at myself from above.

“You look so familiar.” He tapped his chin. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

“Unless you were a regular at Del’s on 86, I’m afraid you’re mistaking me for someone else.” I ran my gaze slowly down and up him, not letting a morsel of recognition light up my face when I figured out who he was.

Truth was an evil bitch.

Whereas he’d changed and morphed from an awkward caterpillar into a handsome butterfly, to the point I barely recognized him, it was the crater above his right eye that gave away his identity. I knew exactly who I was sitting beside.

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