I worked a ten-hour shift in Fountain Valley with the business card for Detective Pierce in my pocket the whole time. I filled prescriptions, processed the staff schedule for the next two weeks, inventoried, counseled clients, and ordered stock, but in the back of my mind was the question: What am I going to do about Keisha? Between Ruby, John, Tori, Ilana, and David, I felt as though my mind had finally cleared. What I was doing was not okay. I had to change this path, but knowing what I had to do didn’t make it easier, just obvious.
I could call the detective and tell him where Keisha was, but that felt like such a betrayal. The other option was to try to talk Keisha into turning herself in. I didn’t like that option either. The chances of Keisha agreeing to go to jail seemed thin, and yet it felt like the better reflection of our relationship. And I would get to see her one more time; it would give us the chance to do this together.
After work, I drove to the hotel. As I pulled up in front of her room, I could see a Do Not Disturb sign on the door but didn’t think much of it. Once I reached the door, I raised a hand to knock just as I heard laughter from inside.
Male laughter.
I was shocked. Keisha had never had visitors when I’d come before, and yet it shouldn’t have surprised me too much. Someone had to be giving her the drugs she needed. I knocked anyway. The laughter cut off abruptly, followed by the sound of movement and hushed voices, barely discernible behind the door. There was a peephole so I knew Keisha knew it was me when she asked who it was through the door.
“It’s Shannon,” I said. “Can we talk for a minute?”
“It’s not a good time,” she said, still not opening the door. “I’m really sick today.”
But not so sick that she couldn’t have company. I realized then that I hadn’t texted her to tell her I was coming, which I had always done before.
“Did you get to your meeting today?” That was one of the things that had given me confidence these last few weeks—that she claimed to be attending her meetings regularly. But after last night, I wondered why it hadn’t bothered me that the meetings obviously weren’t working.
“Oh, yeah, I totally went,” Keisha said from the other side of the door. “It was really good, but then I got sick and so I just need to rest.”
It wasn’t like she hadn’t lied to me before; I should be used to it, right? But this lie hurt in a different way. I was keeping her off the street, but she wouldn’t open the door for me? She would make up a stupid story she knew I would want to believe and tell it so casually?
“Please open the door, Keisha,” I said, more forceful than usual. “If you’re sick, maybe I can help.”
“I’ll be fine,” she assured me, sounding the tiniest bit annoyed.
“Then let me in to make sure you’re okay. That way I can go home and not worry.” What a pathetic truth! If I knew she was okay, then I could be okay. “Keisha, please.”
“Uh, okay, just a minute.”
The was more movement, more whispering, and finally she pulled open the door, but only wide enough to let me slip past and into the room. She was wearing a tank top without a bra underneath it, and a pair of cutoffs hung on her bony hips. Her hair was brushed but she had what looked like yesterday’s makeup on her eyes. She had the distant look of someone high, and her body moved back and forth slightly. I wondered if she noticed it. The room smelled like burnt diapers. The door to the bathroom was closed, likely hiding her visitor.
“See, I’m fine,” she said, smiling, though her eyes didn’t focus on me. “I really need to get some sleep, Shannon. I’m going to go out looking for jobs tonight. As soon as I’m feeling better I’m gonna hit it hard.”
My anger began to dissolve into the familiar fear, but I couldn’t let it rule this exchange. I had to be stronger than that. “Keisha, what’s going on?”
“Nothing. Gosh.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m sick.” She pretended to cough. “And I don’t want you to get it, so you should probably go. But I’m fine, I swear. And guess what, I’m four days clean today, I haven’t used since Friday.” She smiled wide at me, like a little girl awaiting praise. “Aren’t you proud of me?”
I looked at the closed door to the bathroom, then at the bed and finally into her eyes. I could tell her that I wasn’t paying for the room anymore, that I didn’t believe she was going to meetings or applying for work or any of those things. I could force a confrontation and . . . then what? Confront the man in the bathroom too? I felt the tears rising. I tried to blink them back, but if she noticed them she didn’t comment.
“I better go,” I said, turning back to the door, which she was still holding open.
“’Kay,” she said. She followed me across the threshold, hurrying to close the door behind us, though she didn’t shut it all the way. “Oh, uh, could I borrow a little more money? I’m out of food and stuff. I swear I’ll pay you back when I get a job. It’ll give me a good excuse to keep seeing you when I’m back on my feet, ya know?”
“I don’t have any cash,” I said.
“There’s an ATM in the lobby,” she assured me, pointing toward the front desk of the hotel. “You could get some cash from that, right? Not much or anything; I’m fine just eating granola bars, you know. The hotel provides coffee—thank goodness, right?” She smiled that we’re-best-friends smile, and I found myself nodding.
I went to the lobby and paid the three-dollar transaction fee to withdraw twenty dollars. When I knocked on Keisha’s door a minute later, she opened it, pretending to cough again. I held out the money and watched the disappointment on her face. She’d thought I’d give her more—I usually did.
“It’s all I’ve got,” I said, still watching her face.
“Okay,” she said with a shoulder shrug, taking the money as though she was doing me a favor. “Thanks.” She stepped back and started to shut the door. “Um, why don’t you text me before you come over next time—you know, just so I can get ready and stuff.”
“Sure,” I said, still watching her. She closed the door until it was only open about six inches, then coughed again. Was this what John saw when he looked at me? The same fool Keisha was taking me for? In the next breath, however, I played along. “I hope you feel better.”
“I’m sure it’s not serious,” she said. The door narrowed to four inches. “It’s just tough getting clean, you know? But I’m doing it, Shannon. I’m fighting the fight!” She grinned widely at me. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“Sure,” I said automatically as the door closed some more.
“Love you, Shan.” The door snapped closed. The chain slid into the lock, and a few seconds later I heard muffled voices again, more laughter; Keisha’s this time. I couldn’t help but wonder if she wasn’t laughing at me.
“Love you too,” I whispered as I turned back to my car. Once in the driver’s seat, I pulled Detective Pierce’s card from my pocket and stared at it for a few seconds before getting my phone out of my purse and doing the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life.