I’d never kept something like this from John, and it ate at me all morning as we went about breakfast. I wanted John and Keisha to reconnect and find the relationship they’d once had, and I knew that John knowing about Keisha not coming home on time would prevent that. I didn’t know what the most-right thing to do was, and my conscience was raw over it.
I woke her up at eleven o’clock—later than I usually let her sleep, but not so late that John was suspicious. We went to John’s parents’ house for an early dinner. John’s dad had turned seventy-six last week, and this was our chance to celebrate with him. John’s sisters and their families came too—his brother lived out of state—and we enjoyed a nice afternoon together. Though I could tell Keisha was hung over, no one else seemed to notice, and everyone was genuinely glad to see her. It had been awhile since she’d attended a family event, and, as the afternoon wore on, her mood seemed to improve.
After returning home, the four of us watched a Will Ferrell movie together and laughed our heads off. I went to refill the popcorn bowl, and when I came back, John was on the couch, Keisha snuggled against one side of him and Landon snuggled against the other. Seeing my husband wrapped up in his children was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen, and I chose in that moment to let the previous night go completely.
Rather than interrupt them, I went back to the study set just off the kitchen and caught up on some things on the computer: I posted on Facebook about how wonderful it was to have Keisha home, ordered The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks from Amazon.com, and checked some blogs I liked to keep up with—most of them written by medical professionals like me, but with a better sense of humor. With the pending health care reform knocking on our doors, all of us in the business were paying close attention to the changes taking place, hoping they would be good ones overall. So far, I was encouraged; we’d see if I continued to feel that way. The movie ended around nine, and Keisha surprised me by asking if the family could have a prayer together before we went to bed.
“It was something we did in treatment. Do you mind?”
We’d never been particularly religious, though John was raised Methodist and his parents still attended worship services most Sundays, but I wasn’t opposed to prayer, especially if it was something Keisha had found comfort in. We knelt in a circle and held hands. I had Keisha on one side and Landon on the other, which put John and me directly across from one another.
Keisha bowed her head, and we all followed her example. “Dear God, thank you for this day. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive others, and help us to have a wonderful week. Thank you for Dad and Landon and Shannon, for their love and acceptance. Help us be strong and do our best. Amen.”
John repeated the amen, reminding me that it was a typical closing to repeat it. Landon and I said it at the same time a beat later. I was all choked up with emotion, and I hugged Keisha first, then Landon, trying to hide the tears in my eyes.
“Are you crying, Mom?” Landon asked when he pulled back from me. His surprise was warranted since I rarely got emotional.
I blinked quickly, embarrassed. “I think I just have something in my eye,” I said as I stood up.
John laughed, a rich, throaty sound, and grabbed me around the waist before I could escape. Moments later I was draped across his lap, squirming as he tickled me. Keisha and Landon egged him on, and soon I could barely breathe, I was laughing so hard. I finally adjusted my position so I could knee John in the kidney, and with an “oomph” he let go, allowing me to roll to the floor.
“Okay, okay,” I said, still laughing as I got to my feet. “Time for bed.”
John grabbed my hand as I passed the couch on my way to make sure Landon was actually obeying my instructions. I looked at our hands and then into his face, where the tenderness and love I saw there nearly melted me completely. He squeezed my hand. “I love you, Shan,” he said in a tone that said so much more than those four words. The moment filled me with emotion all over again, mostly gratitude at having such a good man in my life, but also a little more guilt. If he knew what had happened last night, would we have had this night? Would he have snuggled with his daughter and his son on the couch? Would he have tickled me while they cheered him on?
I knew the answer to those questions, but I still didn’t see another way of handling the situation than to keep last night to myself. If Keisha continued to stumble, this day would haunt me forever. I could only add one more prayer to the one she’d already offered tonight that her commitment was sincere and that she really was beating this monster inside her. It could be done, I knew it, and she was stronger than she realized. I knew that too. She just had to realize it as well. I hoped and prayed she was moving in that direction.
I hadn’t had as much time with Landon since Keisha had arrived, so I hung out with him after he got ready for bed, lying on the other twin bed in his room and asking him about school and the nearly-finished basketball season. There was a time when he and I would snuggle on his bed together, but a few years ago he’d deemed himself too big for such things. That was when I’d realized he was growing up; it had been harder for me than I’d expected it to be, but I was glad that we still had a special bond. I had to remember that it required me to be invested, however, if I wanted to keep things that way. He was twelve, after all, and prone to the same kind of independence that often spurred me to isolate myself from people.
“So, what girls do you like?”
“Mom,” he said, disgusted. “That’s gross.”
“It won’t be for long,” I told him. “One day you’ll go to school and think, ‘Holy cow, who is that?’”
“You’re totally going to make me throw up, ya know?”
I smiled at the ceiling and then turned onto my side to face him on the other bed. I propped my head up on my hand. “And how is it having Keisha here?”
“It’s cool,” he said, and the sincerity was a relief to hear.
“I’ve been kinda busy with her and missed a lot of your stuff.”
He shrugged, but he looked at the ceiling and not at me.
“I’ll do better, okay?”
“Could you also buy Pop-Tarts? ’Cause that would make me miss you a whole lot less.”
I threw the pillow at him and then insisted on a good-night kiss on my way out of the room.
“I love you, little man,” I said from the doorway, turning off his light.
“I love Pop-Tarts.”